Young Writers Society

Far-fetched. We all knew it! Never doubted that the man would fail. Well, until he showed up and changed his ways. Once again, I was surprised, but he ready to show us what he had. Careful discernment told us that he was lying through his teeth. I took a while to tell us that we where wrong. Terribly wrong. The stars where low that night, same as there voices. Lower then the sound of the wind that caressed their dark silhouettes in the cold night air. They where talking. I could tell that much from the distance that I was. The man that we all thought would fail was the one on the right of the bench in the middle of the park that I was standing in at that moment. My friend, Markus, was sitting next to him. They where engaged in deep conversation. That was the last time that I saw that man. Markus would soon thereafter get sucked into the little game that was afoot. Ready to escape the world that he now lived in. Ready to run was not a good mind set when a man like Robert Thompson was in town, or in that matter, the country. Don’t get me wrong! I loved Markus like a brother, but the way that he was acting now made me angry, very angry. A touch of good fortune would be the only thing that would help me in a time like this. But there is no such thing as good fortune. My name is Jonathan Menro, and this is my story.

Far-fetched. We all knew it! We never doubted that the man would fail--[<this is a double dash, in word it should turn into one long one. I think this is how to use them. =P I think.]until he showed up and changed his ways. [s]Once again,[/s] I was surprised, [don't tell us once again if you didn't tell us about the first time =P] but he was ready to show us what he had. Careful discernment told us that he was lying through his teeth. I took a while to tell us that we were wrong.[I think you mean 'It took us a while to figure out that we were wrong'] Terribly wrong.

The stars where low that night, same as their voices. Lower then the sound of the wind that caressed their dark silhouettes in the cold night air. They where talking--I could tell that much from the distance that I was. The man that we all thought would fail was the one on the right of the bench in the middle of the park that I was standing in at that moment.[whoo. Long sentence. Maybe cut it in two.] My friend, Markus,[no comma] was sitting next to him. They where engaged in deep conversation. That was the last time that I saw that man. Markus would soon thereafter get sucked into the little game that was afoot.[maybe put a comma?] Ready to escape the world that he now lived in. Ready to run [maybe put little quote marks 'ready to run'] was not a good mind set to have when a man like Robert Thompson was in town, or [s]in[/s] for that matter, the country. Don’t get me wrong--I loved Markus like a brother--but the way that he was acting now made me angry, very angry. A touch of good fortune would be the only thing that would help me in a time like this. But there is no such thing as good fortune. My name is Jonathan Menro, and this is my story.

Quoted the whole thing to save time, I should be studying for exams. >.<

Interesting story. You don't tell us much about what the man's supposed to be(but obviously isn't) failing at, but I guess that will come later.

It looks good. To give you an opinion on the plot, I'd need to see more. But what you have here looks promising, and I think you started out very well (good hook! I love good hooks ^_^).

I have to run, but keep up the good work!

^_^ Keek!

This is a good start. However, it was hard to understand what was going on. Also the writing was too grouped together, which made it hard to read. Another thing which made it hard was there were no specific details, like what you were expecting the man to fail at. That part was unclear.

This is a good start. However, it was hard to understand what was going on. Also the writing was too grouped together, which made it hard to read. Another thing which made it hard was there were no specific details, like what you were expecting the man to fail at. That part was unclear.

Good but, it is kind of confusing though. Keep working on it. Well done

"Far-fetched. We all knew it! Never doubted that the man would fail. Well, until he showed up and changed his ways. [s]Once again, [/s][s]I was surprised, but he ready to show us what he had. Careful discernment told us that he was lying through his teeth. I took a while to tell us that we where wrong. Terribly wrong. [/s]The stars where low that night, same as their voices. [s]Lower then the sound of the wind that caressed their dark silhouettes in the cold night air.[/s] They where talking. [s]I could tell that much from the distance that I was. [/s][s]The man that we all thought would fail was the one on the right of the bench in the middle of the park that I was standing in at that moment.[/s] My friend, Markus, was sitting next to him. [s]They where [/s]Engaged in deep conversation. That was the last time that I saw that man. [s]Markus would soon thereafter get sucked into it. [/s][s]into the little game that was afoot. [/s][s]Ready to escape the world that he now lived in. Ready to run was not a good mind set when a man like Robert Thompson was in town, or in that matter, the country.[/s][s] Don’t get me wrong! I loved Markus like a brother, but the way that he was acting now made me angry, very angry[/s]. A touch of good fortune would be the only thing that would help me in a time like this, but there is no such thing as good fortune. My name is Jonathan Menro, and this is my story."

I'm sorry but so much of this is unclear, awkward and not needed. You don't even have a title which leads most of us to believe you have not created and outline or even know where it is going to go.

Keep the opening simple and thats what I tried to do. Striking out all the awkward and not critical stuff. I assume this Robert Thompson is the central figure of conflict within the story, replace 'man' with his name. Don't bring all this 'fail' stuff into the opening of the story. If you are telling a story you don't waste the plot or try to tell it on the opening.