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A Lone soul



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25 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 25
Mon Jan 28, 2008 2:22 am
Commando588 says...



Katharine rolled down the window. She herself was cold for the air condition was blowing in full force, yet she had cold sweat running down the side of her face. She was driving down a deserted road in the desert of New Mexico. Normally the desert is hot, but at that moment the sun was setting below the west horizon, and the air was sixty or so degrees. The air in the car felt musty and heavy. Opening the window did little to relieve the stagnant air. Katharine was suffocating not under just the air, but also under the horrible thoughts that ran through her mind; thoughts that she could not let go of; thoughts of her past that had haunted her since before a time that she could remember. And that was the reason that she was know driving down that lonely road, away from the past that she wished so desperately to leave behind. Sadly, she wasn't sure where she was going and that didn't matter to her. She watched the sunset. She also watched the first of the stars peek their heads out of the nighttime sky. She wanted to believe with all her heart that she could run from her problems, but she knew that it would only be a matter of time before the people of Earth figured out her past. She was scared. She had right to be. She looked down at the map that rested on her lap. She was headed towards Gallop, New Mexico, and she would arrive in under an hour. Since Gallop was not to Katharine's liking, chills of discomfort shot through her entire body as she drove down the cold deserted roads. The first Highway entrance that she saw was the one that she entered. She continued to drive as the same felling of discomfort flexed through her body. As she drove she saw no signs except one that was about ten minutes down the road from Gallop. It said one thing and one thing only: You are now driving down highway 666.

Katharine didn't dare look out the side windows of her car nor did she look out the back window. She kept a steady, but at the same time, weary gaze at the road in front of her. She didn't stop or brake at all, and in no time at all she reached the dangerous speed of eighty-five miles an hour. As she drove, the feeling of dread rose higher and higher in her mind. Soon she was almost in shambles with worry. She was so worried that she almost didn't notice the faint light that illuminated the road a mile or so ahead of her. As she drew near, she noticed the minuscule outline of houses, and the bigger outline of the looming courthouse. Almost everything inside of her wanted to keep driving and leave 666 behind, but her exhausted mind told her to sleep so she turned off the main road and entered the town. On the first patch of turf that she passed sat a single sign. A single iridescent light bulb lit the words on the billboard: “Welcome to Trenton, New Mexico." A shiver cascaded down Katharine's spine, but she forced her self to keep driving. She wasn't even sure why she shivered, but she would soon find out.

After only ten minutes of being in the town, Katharine already hated it. She drove down the main street in discomfort. None of the houses on the left or right side of the road had any porch lights on; neither were there any lights on in the houses. She kept driving until she reached her destination. In the town of Trenton there was one motel, and this is the one that Katharine pulled into. She ground to a halt and pulled the keys from the ignition. She didn't really want to get out of the car; she felt safe in it. But after five or so minutes, she was so over taken by sleepiness that she forced herself to get out. The gravel under her feet made a crunching sound as she slowly pace herself towards the door of what looked like the living quarters of the owner. Hesitantly, she rang the doorbell twice and then waited. She waited for three minutes and heard no sound from the indoors. Katharine readied herself once more to ring it, but before she could the door swung open. A short fat man in his pajamas stood before her. Right when he appeared, he looked like he was going to scream at her, but after he saw who she was, he stopped. "I'm sorry, can I help you?" he said.
“Um, yes, do you think I might be able to get a room tonight?” He just stood and stared at her before he broke out laughing.
“Can you have a room? Of course you can have a room, young lady.” Slowly he turned and motioned for her to follow him into the place that must have been the main lobby. The room they entered was about the size of a large shed. The only things in the room were a desk in one corner and a small arm chair in another. As the man walked around to the other side of the desk, he retrieved a small key. The man handed her the key and told her the price of the room. He then pointed down to a clipboard that lay on the desk and told her to sign her name. After she did so, she wrote a check paying for the expenses. Katharine then gave him the check and he motioned at the door on the other side of the room. He commented before she left,
“After you get outside the door, you will come out in a court yard. Your room is number thirteen on the right.” After saying these words, he began to exit via a door that was behind the desk. Before he could leave, Katharine asked the question that was nagging her that whole night. “Isn’t it sort of disturbing living by a highway named 666?” The man didn’t say anything he just looked at her. As he stared into her eyes, a grin crept across his face. He left without a word, yet Katharine was too tired to be disturbed. She walked to her room and collapsed on her bed. In a matter of seconds, she was sound asleep. She would wake for nothing.



This is the beginning and i've got more! Tell me what to improve on!
  





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41 Reviews



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Reviews: 41
Tue Jan 29, 2008 12:36 am
Billy says...



First of all, this needs to be spaced out more. You need more paragraphs and you need to leave a line between each one. Start a new paragraph when you start a new idea. For example:

Katharine rolled down the window. She herself was cold for the air condition was blowing in full force, yet she had cold sweat running down the side of her face. She was driving down a deserted road in the desert of New Mexico. Normally the desert is hot, but at that moment the sun was setting below the west horizon, and the air was sixty or so degrees. The air in the car felt musty and heavy. Opening the window did little to relieve the stagnant air.

Katharine was suffocating not under just the air, but also under the horrible thoughts that ran through her mind; thoughts that she could not let go of; thoughts of her past that had haunted her since before a time that she could remember.


but also under the horrible thoughts that ran through her mind; thoughts that she could not let go of; thoughts of her past


I think you should change 'thoughts' to 'memories' here.

And that was the reason that she was know driving down that lonely road, away from the past that she wished so desperately to leave behind.


You should drop the 'And' at the beginning of the sentence, it's unnecessary. Change 'know' to 'now'.

but she forced her self to keep driving.


Herself, not her self.

But after five or so minutes, she was so over taken by sleepiness that she forced herself to get out.


You should start a new paragraph here and drop the 'But'.

A short fat man in his pajamas stood before her.


Put a comma between 'short' and 'fat'.

He commented before she left,
“After you get outside the door, you will come out in a court yard. Your room is number thirteen on the right.”


You shouldn't start a new line here.

Finally, the first paragraph seemed too emotive to be written in the third person to me. You should cut down on things like 'with all her heart'. You could also just switch to first person, but from what you've posted so far, third person seems better to me.

I'd like to see what happens next, so PM me when you've got the next part posted.

-Billy
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. - Yossarian, Catch-22

Wide-eyed stupid.

If you're gonna rule the world, you've gotta get up early! - Joel S. Dickens
  





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Reviews: 34
Tue Jan 29, 2008 12:44 am
CaitE Baloney says...



I think that this was fairly well written and with a bit more editing could become a very good story. I think that you should take a look at the first paragraph a little more to make it flow a little better. Other then that I feel that it was a pretty good story and keep up the good work.




-Caitlin
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader."-Robert Frost

"Dreams are the future in rough draft."
  





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Tue Jan 29, 2008 3:08 am
Whisper91 says...



Remarks or corrections are within the braces/{}.

Katharine rolled down the window. She herself {This is odd. In could be something like this: Even with the cold, air-conditioned air blasting in her face, she still had sweat pouring/running down the side of her face.} was cold for the air condition was blowing in full force, yet she had cold sweat running down the side of her face. She was driving down a deserted road in the desert of New Mexico. Normally the desert is hot, but at that moment{,} the sun was setting below the west horizon{.}, and the air was sixty or so degrees. {Why is she sweating? Is really hot enough for that?} The air in the car felt musty and heavy. {Musty means cool/warm and moist, like a moldy basement. Personally, my experiences are with cool, moist basements. =) } Opening the window did little to relieve the stagnant air. Katharine was suffocating{,} not {just} under just the air, but also under the horrible thoughts that ran through her mind; thoughts that she could not let go of; {“of” isn't really necessary} thoughts of her past that had haunted her since before a time that {I would take out “that”; proper English, but I would take it out for style/variety) she could remember. And that was the reason that she was know {sp} driving down that lonely road, away from the past that she wished so desperately to leave behind. Sadly, she wasn't sure where she was going and {use “but”} that didn't matter to her. {As she watched the sunset, the first stars peeked their heads out from the night sky.} She watched the sunset. She also watched the first of the stars peek their heads out of the nighttime sky. She wanted to believe with all her heart that she could run from her problems, but she knew that it would only be a matter of time before the people of Earth figured out her past. She was scared. She had right to be. She looked down at the map that rested on her lap. She was headed towards Gallop, New Mexico, and she would arrive in under an hour. Since Gallop was not to Katharine's liking, chills of discomfort shot through her entire body as she drove down the cold{,} deserted roads. {She entered the first visible highway entrance.} The first Highway entrance that she saw was the one that she entered. She continued to drive as the same felling {spelling} of discomfort flexed through her body. As she drove{,} she saw no signs {until she was about ten minutes for Gallop.} except one that was about ten minutes down the road from Gallop. It said one thing and one thing only: {The “and one thing only” is awkward.} You are now driving down highway 666.

OK, I wanted to read more, but until there are no spelling errors or other obvious faults, I'm not going to. You've got me interested, so you don't have to worry about that, but you're continually distracting me with the spelling errors. There were a few other things, but the spelling is a big one. Let me know when you re-read, revised, re-read, revised, re-read, editted, re-read, revised, re-read, editted, re-read, finalized, and I'll be happy to take a look again!
- Whisper91
Motive, according to & through Triple G, determines value.

Isaac Mullins Copyright © 2008
  





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Sat Feb 02, 2008 12:50 am
Kylan says...



Okay. The main problem with this piece was your structuring. You write in a strange, convoluted style with sentences that kind of wind their way around the page. Much of this is also short and choppy, as well. Work on extending your sentences, toning down the verbosity and taking a few grammar courses. You need them. Really.

Commando588 wrote:Katharine rolled down the window. She herself was cold for the air condition was blowing in full force, yet she had cold sweat running down the side of her face this sentence is disgusting. It's worded almost as if you were foreign and decided to run this through an online translator so your english speaking peers could understand. Well, translator or not, we still don't understand. Consider this, "She was cold and yet she had sweat running down the side of her face." She was driving down a deserted road in the desert of New Mexico deserted desert...give me a break. Normally the desert is hot, but at that moment the sun was setting below the west horizon, and the air was sixty or so degrees this sentence was entirely irrevelant. Cut it out. The air in the car felt musty and heavy. Opening the window did little to relieve the stagnant air. Katharine was suffocating not under just the air, but also under the horrible thoughts that ran through her mind another nasty sentence. Consider: "The air was not only suffocating Katharine, but the horrible thoughts that were running through her mind as well"; thoughts that she could not let go of; thoughts of her past that had haunted her since before a time that she could remember. And that was the reason that she was know driving down that lonely road, away from the past that she wished so desperately to leave behind. Sadly, she wasn't sure where she was going and that didn't matter to her. She watched the sunset. She also watched the first of the stars peek their heads out of the nighttime sky. She wanted to believe with all her heart that she could run from her problems, but she knew that it would only be a matter of time before the people of Earth figured out her past. She was scared. She had right to be. She looked down at the map that rested on her lap. She was headed towards Gallop, New Mexico, and she would arrive in under an hour. Since Gallop was not to Katharine's liking, chills of discomfort shot through her entire body as she drove down the cold deserted roads. The first Highway entrance that she saw was the one that she entered. She continued to drive as the same felling of discomfort flexed through her body. As she drove she saw no signs except one that was about ten minutes down the road from Gallop. It said one thing and one thing only: You are now driving down highway 666. she, she, she, she! Tone down the pronouns, my friend.

Katharine didn't dare look out the side windows of her car nor did she look out the back window. She kept a steady, [s]but at the same time,[/s] weary gaze at the road in front of her. She didn't stop or brake at all, and in no time at all she reached the dangerous speed of eighty-five miles an hour. As she drove, the feeling of dread rose higher and higher in her mind. Soon she was almost in shambles with worry. She was so worried that she almost didn't notice the faint light that illuminated the road a mile or so ahead of her. As she drew near, she noticed the minuscule outline of houses, and the bigger outline of the looming courthouse. Almost everything inside of her wanted to keep driving and leave 666 behind, but her exhausted mind told her to sleep so she turned off the main road and entered the town. On the first patch of turf that she passed sat a single sign. A single iridescent light bulb lit the words on the billboard: “Welcome to Trenton, New Mexico." A shiver cascaded down Katharine's spine, but she forced her self to keep driving. She wasn't even sure why she shivered, but she would soon find out.

After only ten minutes of being in the town for some reason, this town strikes me as a small place. In ten minutes, and with only one hotel, going 80+ mph she would have passed through the town and be halfway to the California coast, Katharine already hated it. She drove down the main street in discomfort. None of the houses on the left or right side of the road had any porch lights on; neither were there any lights on in the houses. She kept driving until she reached her destination. In the town of Trenton there was one motel, and this is the one that Katharine pulled into. She ground to a halt and pulled the keys from the ignition. She didn't really want to get out of the car; she felt safe in it. But after five or so minutes, she was so over taken by sleepiness that she forced herself to get out. [s]The gravel under her feet made a crunching sound [/s] = Gravel crunched under her feet as she slowly pace herself towards the door of [s]what looked like[/s] the living quarters of the owner. Hesitantly, she rang the doorbell twice and then waited. [s]She waited for three minutes and heard no sound from the indoors. Katharine readied herself once more to ring it, but before she could[/s] the door swung open. A short fat man in his pajamas stood before her. Right when he appeared, he looked like he was going to scream at her, but after he saw who she was, he stopped. "I'm sorry, can I help you?" he said.

“Um, yes, do you think I might be able to get a room tonight?” He just stood and stared at her before he broke out laughing.

“Can you have a room? Of course you can have a room, young lady.”

Slowly he turned and motioned for her to follow him into the place that must have been the main lobby. The room they entered was about the size of a large shed. The only things in the room were a desk in one corner and a small arm chair in another. As the man walked around to the other side of the desk, he retrieved a small key. The man handed her the key and told her the price of the room. He then pointed down to a clipboard that lay on the desk and told her to sign her name. After she did so, she wrote a check paying for the expenses. Katharine then gave him the check and he motioned at the door on the other side of the room. He commented before she left,

“After you get outside the door, you will come out in a court yard. Your room is number thirteen on the right.” After saying these words, he began to exit via a door that was behind the desk. Before he could leave, Katharine asked the question that was nagging her that whole night. “Isn’t it sort of disturbing living by a highway named 666? contrived dialogue” The man didn’t say anything he just looked at her. As he stared into her eyes, a grin crept across his face. He left without a word, yet Katharine was too tired to be disturbed. She walked to her room and collapsed on her bed. In a matter of seconds, she was sound asleep. She would wake for nothing.



This is the beginning and i've got more! Tell me what to improve on!


One last thing before I leave. You describe ad nauseum. Overwhelming description has it's place, but not in a story. Tone it down a little. Your reader is not an idiot. He has an imagination.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado
  





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46 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 46
Sat Feb 02, 2008 7:48 pm
ThanatosPrinciple says...



Whoa, that's really creepy. I would hate to be locked up by myself, all alone! Very good words and similies. Creeeeeeepy! Cool I liked it!
With this magical drrrink I shall RULE THE WORLD! Mwhahahaha!
  








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