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Young Writers Society


Race of the Werewolves



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Reviews: 516
Mon Feb 04, 2008 9:33 am
chocoholic says...



This really isn't my thing, but my little brother wanted a story about werewolves for his birthdy, so I did my best. I would really appreciate any comments you can make on it. And of course, because this is such an important piece, I'll critique anything of yours that you want critiqued. I need this all before the seventh, so a few days, unfortunately.







David sat in the garden, playing with his ball. It was getting late, and the moon was shining brightly.

“David McDonald, come inside at once!” his mother called.

David looked up, a cheeky grin playing on his face.

“No mummy. You come out here!”

David’s mother sighed and closed the door. The boy’s father would be home soon, and he would sort David out. Outside, David threw his ball up in the air, but it didn’t come straight back down. Instead is lay a little way away from him.

No sensing anything odd, the small boy stood up and ran towards him ball, but didn’t reach it. Suddenly a great beast jumped out and took a swipe at David, who stood rooted to the ground.

The monster, which was actually a werewolf, snarled and bit David on the shoulder, before bounding off into the woods. David ran back into his house and hurriedly tried to explain to his mother what had happened. But his mother didn’t understand, and treated he wound with water and a bandage before sending David off to bed.


David was a nice boy. For eight he was very tall, something his parents often talked about with a chuckle, as he had been very short until he was five.

Everybody liked David. He did well in his lessons and tried his hardest, but was always ready to have fun. He was very polite, although he was very private.

“Would you like to come to my house tonight, David?” his best friend, Colin, asked.

David nodded.

“I’d love to. What time should I be there?”

Colin thought for a moment, and then answered, “Five.”

Exactly one month after that night in the garden David got very twitchy.

“Stop it,” his mother said sharply. “Now go to bed. The moon will be up soon.”

David nodded and walked upstairs to his room, where he dressed in his night-clothes and climbed into his large bed. His mother didn’t come up, and David was beginning to feel ill.

“Mum-”

David stopped in mid-shout as his body began to get larger, his face elongated and his legs and hands became huge and developed claws.

“What on earth is happening?” he muttered to himself, looking down. His clothes ripped and hair appeared all over his body. A minute later he lost all sense of himself and crashed through the door, bounding down the stairs to where his parents sat calmly, talking and working.

“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

David took a snap at his father, but he ducked and ran into his office. He was a doctor, and grabbed the first thing he saw, which fortunately was a bottle of wolfs bane. His wife was still screaming, so he ran back into the lounge and threw the glass bottle into his son’s body.

It trickled down his throat, causing the beast to shrink back to his normal height, but still look like a werewolf.

“Mummy?” he tried to say, but all the family could hear was a deep growl. Realizing that he couldn’t talk to them, David went back to his room and lay on his bed, hoping that he would be normal again the following day.


“Mother, can I spend the night at Colin’s house?” David asked his mother that afternoon. “He invited me and said I should be there at five. Please mother.”

Isabella nodded.

“Of course you may. I’ll send for the carriage to take you.”

David threw his arms around his mother’s waist.

“Thank you mummy.”

David packed his things in a case and the carriage arrived. David kissed his mother on the cheek and climbed in. The carriage moved off, the horses slowly padding along.

David arrived at Colin’s house in a matter of minutes. A servant was waiting outside. She took David’s case and led him into the drawing room where the family was waiting. Colin looked up and smiled.

“Take Mr. McDonald’s case up to my room,” Colin said to the servant, who nodded and went to perform her duties. Colin stood up.

“Mother, father, this is my friends David. David, these are my parents.”

Mr. Cornwell shook David’s hand, and his wife smiled and bowed her head a little.

“I hope you find yourself at home,” she said. “Dinner will be at six o’clock sharp. Now go and play.”

David and Colin ran up the stairs and into Colin’s room, where the two boys began to play.

At six o’clock on the dot David and Colin were sitting in the dinging room, about to begin eating their dinner.

“How are your parents, David?” Mr. Cornwell asked.

“Well,” David said. “Thanks for asking.”

The four made small talk over dinner, vegetable pie.

“There’s not any meat, is there?” David commented. He was anxious for meat. The reason wasn’t apparent to him, he just really felt like eating some meat that night.

Mr. Cornwell shook his head.

“Sorry David, but the hunters failed to get anything today.”

David nodded and waited for his friend to finish so they could be dismissed. When they were, the two went back to Colin’s large bedroom and changed into their nightclothes.

Soon afterwards Colin and David climbed into the beds and quickly fell asleep with the moon shining down on them. Colin slept well, but David kept moving around and moaning. Finally, his eyes snapped open and the small boy stared at the moon, letting the light take over his body.

David’s clothes ripped and he grew larger, as he did every month. But this time he hadn’t drunk wolfs bane that night, and he wasn’t in the right state of mind. Howling, he took a swipe at Colin.

The other boy woke up just in time to jump out of bed and run down to his parent’s room.

David bound after him. Colin slammed the door, waving his parent’s up.

“What is it, son?” Mr. Cornwell asked.

“David, he’s- he’s a werewolf,” Colin panted. “He tried to kill me.”

Mr. and Mrs. Cornwell jumped out of bed and helped barricade the door. Colin was sitting on their bed, shaking like mad.

“Where is he?” Mrs. Cornwell asked.

Her husband put his ear to the door and then turned back to his family.

“Just outside the door.”

It was two years before when David had escaped. Usually he was fine in his wolf form. His parents gave him wolfs bane every full moon and he waited it out until he returned to his human form. But this month his father discovered that he had no wolfs bane.

So instead of being clam, David was a wreck, wanting to kill and destroy. His parents had locked him in one of the dungeons, but that was hardly going to hold him.

David crashed through the door and ran up the stairs until he reached the front door. He walked though it and down to the town.

Not many people were out. A cat or two prowled the streets, which David quickly and carefully disposed of. But apart from that the town was quiet. The moon shone down brightly, and the leaves rustled in the wind. David sniffed, his eyes locking on one particular house.

It was owned by a poor family, the Connell’s. They had five kids, and only their father made any money. David’s mother sometimes helped out their mother when she was in town.

It wasn’t hard for David to knock down the flimsy door, sending pieces of wood flying. Two seconds later the family was screaming.

“Please don’t hurt us,” their father begged. “Leave us in peace.”

But David couldn’t understand what the thin man was saying, and ripped his arm off.


Mr. Cornwell unlocked the door and pushed it open. David jumped, but the family ran from underneath him, Colin just voiding being bitten.

“This way!” Mr. Cornwell shouted, and ran down the corridor, closely followed by his family with the wolf on their tail. Nobody was ever sure how long they ran, but it would have had to be a long time. Finally they reached the kitchen.

Mrs. Cornwell grabbed a stick of mistletoe and threw it at the wolf, who screamed. It burned his eyes, snout and arms so much that he was left sitting on the floor and growling for minutes. The Cornwell’s used this time to run out to the grounds.

“Quick, get in the shed,” Mr. Cornwell said. “We can wait here until morning.”

The family got in and the door was locked. It was dark and cramped, but the family stayed silent.

Back in the kitchen, David was recovering. He gained back some of his strength and, smiling in the only way a werewolf can smile (evilly), he stood up and started sniffing the ground, trying to find the scent.

The smell led David outside. It was early in the morning, but the moon was still shining brightly. David stopped in front a small shed. Inside, the family heard him grunting, and held their breaths.

In mere moments the shed was in pieces, and Mrs. Cornwell was feet above the ground, screaming her head off.

“Put her down, you great beast!” Mr. Cornwell shouted, brandishing a pitchfork he had picked up from the ground.

Just as David opened his mouth, making to eat the woman, she fell to the ground and landed, unharmed, with a loud thump. Mr. Cornwell tended to his wife, while his son stared at his friend, amazed and shocked.

Unnoticed, the sun had come up, and David was shrinking into his human form. He fell to the ground, breathing slowly.

“I’m so sorry,” Mr. McDonald said, appearing in the yard. “He and his mother didn’t realize, and I only just got back from my trip.”

Mrs. Cornwell knew well enough that if she said anything it would be rude, so she stormed into the manor. Mr. Cornwell turned to Mr. McDonald.

“You kept it secret, and it almost killed us,” he said, annoyed. “I will have to report this, you know? Your son almost killed my family!” Mr. McDonalds opened his mouth, but Mr. Cornwell held up his hand.

“I know, he wasn’t in his right mind, but you neglected to tell us, and you endangered the safety of my family. Please, just take your son home.”

Mr. McDonald nodded.

“Again, I’m very sorry. I’ll pay for any damage to your house.”

Mr. Cornwell took his son inside, and Mr. McDonald took his son home, hoping it would be the end of everything.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
  





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31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 31
Mon Feb 04, 2008 6:15 pm
Whisper91 says...



Remarks and other add-ins are in braces:


David sat in the garden, playing with his ball. It was getting late, and the moon was shining brightly.

“David McDonald, come inside at once!” his mother called.

David looked up, a cheeky grin playing on his face{,} “No{,} mummy{,} {y}ou come out here!”

David’s mother sighed and closed the door. The boy’s father would be home soon, and he would sort David out. David threw his ball up in the air, but it didn’t come straight back down. Instead i{t} lay a little way away from him.

No{t} sensing anything odd, the small boy stood up and ran towards hi{s} ball{.} {He} didn’t reach it. Suddenly a great beast jumped out and took a swipe at {ground-rooted} David.

The monster, a werewolf, snarled and bit David on the shoulder, before bounding off into the woods. David ran back into his house and hurriedly tried to explain to his mother what had happened. {H}is mother didn’t understand{. After} treat{ing} h{is} wound with water and a bandage{, she} sen{t him} off to bed.

David was a nice boy. For eight{,} he was very tall{. H}is parents often talked about {this} with a chuckle, as he had been very short until he was five. Everybody liked David. {Although shy, he was very polite.} He did well in his lessons and tried his hardest, but {he} was always ready to have fun.

“Would you like to come to my house tonight, David?” his best friend, Colin, asked.

David nodded{,} “I’d love to. What time should I be there?”

Colin thought for a moment and then answered, “Five.”

Exactly one month after that night in the garden{,} David got very twitchy.

“Stop it,” his mother said sharply{,} “Now go to bed.” {The full moon part you have here needs to be put somewhere else. Why would his mom make a statement like, “Wow, it's a full moon”? It's kind of random.}

David nodded and walked upstairs to his room, where he dressed in{to} his night-clothes and climbed into his large bed. His mother didn’t come up, and David was beginning to feel ill.

“Mum –” David stopped in mid-shout{.}

{H}is body began to get larger, his face elongated{,} and his legs and hands became huge {with} developed claws.

“What on earth is happening?” he muttered to himself, looking down.

His clothes ripped and hair appeared all over his body. A minute later{,} he lost all sense of himself and crashed through the door, bounding down the stairs to where his parents sat calmly, talking and working.

“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

David took a snap at his father, but he ducked and ran into his office. He was a doctor and grabbed the first thing he saw{. F}ortunately{, it} was a bottle of wolf{'}s bane. {H}e ran back into the lounge and threw the glass bottle into {How the heck did the guy get the liquid down the wolf's throat? That's kind of weird. Why not just throw it on the beast? Pretend contact with wolf's bane causes the change.} his son’s body.

It trickled down his throat, causing the beast to shrink back to {the boy's} normal height{. He} still look like a werewolf.

“Mummy?” he tried to say, but all the family could hear was a deep growl.

Realizing that he couldn’t talk to them, David went back to his room and lay on his bed, hoping that he would be normal again the following day.

“Mother, can I spend the night at Colin’s house?” David asked his mother that afternoon{,} “He invited me and said I should be there at five. Please{,} mother.”

Isabella nodded{,} “Of course you may. I’ll send for the carriage to take you.”

David threw his arms around his mother’s waist{,} “Thank you{,} mummy.”

David packed his things in a case{,} and the carriage arrived. David kissed his mother on the cheek and climbed in. {Soon t}he carriage moved off, horses slowly padding along.

David arrived at Colin’s house in a matter of minutes. A servant wait{ed} outside. She took David’s case and led him into the drawing room where the family was waiting. Colin looked up and smiled.

“Take Mr. McDonald’s case up to my room,” Colin said to the servant, who nodded and went to perform her duties.

Colin stood up{,} “Mother, father, this is my friend David. David, these are my parents.”

Mr. Cornwell shook David’s hand, and his wife smiled and bowed her head a little.

“I hope you find yourself at home,” she said{,} “Dinner will be at six o’clock sharp. Now go and play.”

David and Colin ran up the stairs into Colin’s room, where the {they} began to play.

At six o’clock{,} David and Colin were sitting in the dinging room {on the dot}, about to begin their dinner.

“How are your parents, David?” Mr. Cornwell asked.

“Well,” David said{,} “Thanks for asking.”

The four made small talk over dinner, vegetable pie.

“There’s not any meat, is there?” David commented.

He was anxious for meat. The reason wasn’t apparent to him{. H}e just really felt like eating some meat that night.

Mr. Cornwell shook his head{,} “Sorry{,} David, but the hunters failed to get anything today.”

David nodded and waited for his friend to finish so they could be dismissed. When they were, the two went back to Colin’s large bedroom and changed into their night{-}clothes.

Soon afterwards{,} Colin and David climbed into the beds and quickly fell asleep with the moon shining down on them. Colin slept well, but David kept moving around and moaning. Finally, his eyes snapped open{,} and the small boy stared at the moon, letting the light take over his body.

David’s clothes ripped{,} and he grew larger as he did every month. But this night he hadn’t drunk {his} wolf{'}s bane. Howling, he took a swipe at Colin.

The other boy woke up just in time to jump out of bed and run down to his parent’s room. David bound after him. Colin slammed the door, wa{k}ing his parents up.

“What is it, son?” Mr. Cornwell asked.

“David, he’s – he’s a werewolf,” Colin panted{,} “He tried to kill me.”

Mr. and Mrs. Cornwell jumped out bed and helped barricade the door. Colin was sitting on their bed, shaking like mad.

“Where is he?” Mrs. Cornwell asked.

Her husband put his ear to the door and then turned back to his family{,} “Just outside the door.”

It was two years before when David had escaped. Usually he was fine in his wolf form. His parents gave him wolf{'}s bane every full moon{,} and he waited it out until he returned to his human form. But this month his father discovered that he had no wolf{'}s bane {left}.

So instead of being clam, David was a wreck, wanting to kill and destroy. His parents had locked him in one of the dungeons, but that was hardly going to {stop} him.

David crashed through the door and ran up the stairs until he reached the front door. He walked though it and down to the town.

Not many people were out. A cat or two prowled the streets, which David quickly and carefully disposed of. {A}part from that{,} the town was quiet. The moon shone down brightly, and the leaves rustled in the wind. David sniffed, his eyes locking on one particular house.

It was owned by a poor family, the Connells. They had five {children}, and only their father made any money. {When she was in town,} David’s mother sometimes helped their mother.

It wasn’t hard for David to knock down the flimsy door, sending pieces of wood flying. Two seconds later the family was screaming.

“Please don’t hurt us,” their father begged{,} “Leave us in peace.”

But David couldn’t understand what the thin man was saying and ripped his arm off.

Mr. Cornwell unlocked the door and pushed it open. David jumped, but the family ran underneath him{.} Colin just voided being bitten.

“This way!” Mr. Cornwell shouted, and ran down the corridor, closely followed by his family with the wolf on their tail.

Nobody was ever sure how long they ran, but it would have be{en} a long time. Finally they reached the kitchen.

Mrs. Cornwell grabbed a stick of mistletoe and threw it at the wolf, who screamed. It burned his eyes, snout and arms so much that he was left sitting on the floor and growling for minutes. The Cornwell’s used this time to run out to the grounds.

“Quick, get in the shed,” Mr. Cornwell said{,} “We can wait here until morning.”

The family got in and the door was locked. It was dark and cramped, but the family stayed silent.

Back in the kitchen, David was recovering. He gained back some of his strength and, smiling in the only way a werewolf can smile, he stood up and started sniffing the ground, trying to find the scent. The smell led David outside. It was early in the morning, but the moon was still shining brightly. David stopped in front a small shed. Inside, the family heard him grunting{. They} held their breaths.

In mere moments{,} the shed was in pieces, and Mrs. Cornwell was feet above the ground, screaming her head off.

“Put her down, you great beast!” Mr. Cornwell shouted, brandishing a pitchfork he had picked up from the ground.

Just as David opened his mouth, making to eat the woman, she fell to the ground and landed, unharmed, with a loud thump. Mr. Cornwell tended to his wife, while his son stared at his friend, amazed and shocked.

Unnoticed, the sun had come up, and David was shrinking into his human form. He fell to the ground, breathing slowly.

“I’m so sorry,” Mr. McDonald said, appearing in the yard{,} “He and his mother didn’t realize, and I only just got back from my trip.”

Mrs. Cornwell knew well enough that {to say anything would be rude}, so she stormed into the manor. Mr. Cornwell turned to Mr. McDonald.

“You kept it secret, and it almost killed us,” he said, annoyed{,} “I will have to report this, you know{.} Your son almost killed my family!”

Mr. McDonald opened his mouth, but Mr. Cornwell held up his hand{,} “I know, he wasn’t in his right mind, but you neglected to tell us, and you endangered the safety of my family. Please, just take your son home.”

Mr. McDonald nodded{,} “Again, I’m very sorry. I’ll pay for any damage to your house.”

Mr. Cornwell took his son inside, and Mr. McDonald took his son home, hoping it would be the end of everything.


Overall, this is completely comic. The style of writing isn't exactly good, but it seems real, as if you were telling a story. Your younger brother will be very happy.
Motive, according to & through Triple G, determines value.

Isaac Mullins Copyright © 2008
  





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28 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 890
Reviews: 28
Mon Feb 04, 2008 8:26 pm
Cheeky Coconut Smoothy Lo says...



I saw a lot of mistakes, but I think Whispers91 caught them all before I could get to it. That being said, I don't really like this kind of storytelling form either, but since this is geared towards your younger brother, I guess it makes sense.

Rather making it overly complex or beautifully detailed, it should flow and be light hearted for YA readers. Just watch the use of adverbs and adjectives, I do remember reading 'very' several times when used to describe the boy.

Another note, the action and a lot of the descriptions did lack, something I wish you would have improved upon for the initial attack with the werewolf. A lot of little details not needed to the story, detracted from the point. I would see how much you could remove from the story to make it a quicker read and more interesting. It seems like you were setting yourself up for a novel, and ended with a short story.
  








If you run now, you will be running the rest of your life.
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