z

Young Writers Society


1. The Beginning (Fixed up a bit)



User avatar
42 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 42
Tue Feb 05, 2008 4:58 pm
Sweeney_Todd says...



Alicia Bonnie sat on the floor next to her thirteen-year-old daughter, teaching her the properties of Majik involving fire. The child tried to put the fire out once, and failed. She tried again, and again, but still failed.

“No, Anne,” her mother corrected gently. “Pull your fingers straight down, not tilted sideways,” she demonstrated the motion again. “Now, relax, and try again.” Anne tried to copy the motion again over the fire, and the flames went out. “I did it!” the girl exclaimed. “Did you see that? I put them out, mum!”

Her mother smiled, “Good job, Anne. Now,” she challenged. “Light the fire again,” She watched with pride as the child, face screwed up in concentration, pulled her fingers up and turned the dark logs in the fireplace into a bright, cheery blaze. The single mother and girl child spent many a night like this, living alone in a small boarding room above a tavern in the coast town of Charleston, South Carolina. Alicia Bonnie had raised Anne by herself, fully self-sufficient and needing help from no one else to support the two.

Then there was a bang at the door to their tavern room, and Alicia quickly extinguished the flames and hid her daughter in the crawlspace behind the grate, before lighting the fire back to hide her. The door slammed open and flew against the opposite wall as a tall, leering man with pale skin and dark eyes strode into the room and seized Alicia by the throat. “Where is it?” he hissed menacingly. “I know it’s here.”

“What?” Alicia’s mother choked out through his death grip on her throat.

“That child!” he snarled, making Anne jump where she crouched, watching. “That Dhampyre you had! Where is it?!” Anne watched fearfully in her hiding place as the man beat her mother. Suddenly Alicia cried out. “You would kill your own child?”

Anne felt a cold chill run down her back. That evil man was her father. He struck Alicia hard across the face and she fell to the bed as a loud crack resounded throughout the room. The man then turned the room upside down, looking for Anne. Anne held her breath in anticipation as he suddenly looked straight at the fireplace. Finding nothing, he stormed out, leaving her mother behind on the bed. Anne heard his footsteps retreat farther down the hallway, and then the door to the upstairs portion of the tavern was slammed shut. Anne gave the man sufficient time to be far away from her before she extinguished the fire and crawled out from behind the grate to run to her mother. “Mum!” Anne cried out as she placed her head against her mother’s chest, listening. Alicia was barely breathing, and there was hardly proof of her faint heartbeat. Alicia stirred slightly, and spoke, her voice barely audible, “Anne, listen to me,” she swallowed heavily before continuing. “Get the tin under the bed, and put it in my coat on the hook...leave a few coins for the Father...to buy my coffin...”

Anne shook her head, “No...Mum, don’t leave me,” she pleaded.

Alicia took another uneven breath, “I must...”

“No!” Anne took her mother’s hand desperately. Her mother couldn’t leave yet. Anne was thirteen. She had never lived on her own before. There had never been any need to; they had always lived in the tavern, using Alicia’s earnings as a barmaid to pay for their room, food, and what few belongings that they had. Anne fought back tears begging her mother to stay with her. Alicia took another breath and whispered, “Go to Jones...he’ll help you...,” she took one last, jagged breath, “Be careful...Anne...”

Then Alicia Bonnie was gone. Anne sat in a stunned silence on the floor by the bed. Her mother was dead. Anne closed her mother’s eyes as the tears began to fall. She collapsed on the side of the bed, burying her head in her hands and sobbing. What was she supposed to do now?

Remembering her mother’s final instructions, Anne bent down next to the bed and pushed aside the edge of the blanket, revealing a small metal box. This box contained what few valuable items that they owned: a necklace from Anne’s grandfather to her mother, an old Bible, a leather-bound spell book, and a few small coins. Anne stuffed the box into her mother’s coat and then--after a moment’s hesitation--pulled it out again. She took out two of the coins and laid them on the bed, following her mother’s wishes for a coffin. Father Ducheine, the priest Alicia had spoken of, would be along soon for their nightly prayer meetings, and would help Anne bury her mother. Anne stuffed the tin box back into the coat and put it on. The coat was old and dirty from so many years of use. Even despite Alicia’s petite size, the coat was still a little big for an underfed thirteen-year-old. She buried her face in the soft, worn leather and breathed in her mother’s scent, a combination of the smoke from the tavern and the lavender perfume Alicia always wore behind her ears. Anne started crying again. After all thirteen years of her life with her mother by her side, what was Anne supposed to do to survive without her? She had never been without her mother’s help, and now she was completely alone.

There were footsteps in the hall, and Anne feared momentarily that that horrid man may have com back, when Father Ducheine stood in the doorway and let out a small exclamation of shock before calling down the hall to the rest of the tavern, “Alicia’s dead!” There was a collective shuffling of chairs from below, and the entire tavern scrambled up the stairs to help their favorite barmaid. The first patron to enter the room Mark Jones, a first mate originally hailing from Singapore, but recently discharged from the British Royal Navy for drinking on watch. When he saw Anne crying on the floor by her mother, he rushed over and took the frail girl in his arms, trying to console her as his own eyes began to tear up. He nodded to the four patrons standing in the doorway, and the came in as well. The four of them, along with Mark and Anne, stood silently around the bed as Father Ducheine said a mournful prayer over Alicia’s body. Mark picked Anne up and carried her downstairs to the church, so the Father could call some of Alicia’s friends and coworkers in to dress the body for burial. The men from the tavern formed a search party for Alicia’s murderer, using the fearful description Anne had given them, but found nothing. It was as though the killer had simply vanished off of the face of the earth. After the local British officer had been notified, wanted posters were up within a week, with a description of the man and a reward of five hundred crowns offered for his arrest. They also turned up noting. The posters were eventually torn down. Alicia was buried, forgotten, and, after about a year or so, so was her daughter. Anne ran away from the convent she had been living in for a ship heading to St. Kitts, where she hoped to find work as a barmaid and forget the nightmares that had plagued her since her mother’s death.
Last edited by Sweeney_Todd on Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





User avatar
220 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1478
Reviews: 220
Tue Feb 05, 2008 6:06 pm
Sleeping Valor says...



Hey! Welcome to YWS. I hope you'll like it here, feel free to PM me if you find yourself with any questions or in need of a critique. :D
Before I get on wit my critique, I think you should know 2 things;
1) There is a 2:1 rule for reviews verses works. That means for every 1 story you post, you should do 2 reviews. Since you've put up three, this means you're short 4. =P Some people might be picky about that, so be sure to get those reviews done.

2) I can't remember where they suggest it, but in general you shouldn't put up too many works at once, especially not parts of the same story. You can, but it might lessen your chances of getting reviews because people might choose to read just one and not do the others because it's overwhelming. Give your story time to become known before you continue it, it's worked for me. :wink:

Okay! Critique time!

If there are going to be vampires in this story, you get an extra 50% bonus on your 'how much Keek likes this story' score. *loves vampires*

a. Space out your story more. Put another return between paragraphs, like I have between mine. It makes the story easier to read and will save you from losing readers (some people refuse to read stories that aren't well spaced out). Lucky for you, I liked the story so I didn't mind reading it to the end.

b. Again, about returns. I might recommend you put them hyst before new characters talk. I don't know if there's a rule about it but it's how it always is in the books I read.[return]
"Like I just did. see?"

c. Plot! I liked it. Very nice. The only comment I really have is about the girl's reaction to her mother's death. Someone once pointed out to me girls are more emotional than boys, so why doesn't she break down and cry right then and there? I'm sure there's a reason (personality or something), but you should make it clear to the reader. Otherwise, I really liked this story and will probably be reading the next part when I see it.

Nice work!

^_^ Keek!
I'm like that song stuck in your head; I come and I go, but never truly dissapear.

And apparently I also write a blog.
  





User avatar
45 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 45
Tue Feb 05, 2008 7:29 pm
Extraterrestial says...



Hey I'm not much of a critic so ill just say it in few words.

First of all i loved the language you used, and the effect of when her mother died worked well.

Also it seems a fairly original plot, so that's a bonus.

But although said the mother dying bit was good, i think you could have had the mum saying her last few words to her daughter, just give it a really sad scene. but that's just an idea.

overall i thought it was great.
  





User avatar
344 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1075
Reviews: 344
Sat Feb 09, 2008 9:40 pm
Eimear says...



Hey, I really enjoyed reading this, as I randomly came across it, and i tend to believe that that's the best way to find a good story.

Although it wasn't exactly 'spell-binding' It did have a certain something about it, like the promise of a good book in the first couple of pages you read, if you get my drift....

I liked the names, and I liked the way the story built up with tension before the climax. Alot of writers can't manage to get that down, and end up just blurting out all the good bits before the reader's really interested.

Of course, the spacing out of lines and generally tidying up of errors and unesscesary words will truly make this piece shine.

If you take your time with it and make 'The Beginning' your pride and joy, It'l show, so keep on writing, because you've got real talent.

Please PM me with more of your work, as It was a pleasure to read and review.

Eimearxx
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde.
  





User avatar
200 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1190
Reviews: 200
Sat Feb 09, 2008 10:41 pm
MidnightVampire says...



I liked it. I'm sorry I'm not much of a critic (sorry extraterestrial for using your words)

I like the twist where the mother says "Would you kill your own child?"
Good twist.
But if you added this twist a little later (i have no idea if this would fit into your plot...), like maybe she couldn't see his face. I don't know, just a suggestion.

I give you points for using the talking structure (ponders what the word is.. I forgot it.) 'mum' that tells me what time period is. Something I can't seem to do.

You've really got some talent for this, pm me when you continue it.
I realized that I said I'd be gone for only two weeks...but I was gone for much longer.I hope to stay on this time. :)
  





User avatar
387 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 27175
Reviews: 387
Tue Feb 12, 2008 12:42 am
Kylan says...



First of all, ask yourself: is what I'm writing fantasy? If so, please post in the fantasy fiction forum. Please don't make the A/A forum a dumping ground for general interest pieces.

You're not a bad writer. You know how to structure a scene and you know how to do it efficiently, no questions asked. However, speed does not a story make, my friend. I feel like I'm viewing this piece on a television screen with the fast-forward button on the remote mashed down. Things are moving too quickly. I would suggest throwing things into a lower gear and taking the slow way. Remember, this is the beginning of a book, a place usually reserved for structuring characters and emotional build-up. Use the beginning as a chance to familiarize the reader with your characters, instead of this rough-and-tumble devestation on the go.

Going hand in hand with your pacing, is your emotion. I'm sure that when the mother died, you wanted your reader to feel some sort of emotion; pity, sadness, remorse. But I regret to inform you that I didn't care. So the woman was dead. Oh well, the world still turns. If you had structured the story so that we had gotten to know the mother and in turn, the child as well, we may have cared that daddy capped mommy. But like I said, we don't.

As for the end, why did Anne decide to run? She had friends. And what's more, why did she go to all the trouble of packing up and then running across the street to the church? It doesn't make sense. Let me tell you how this would have played out. Assuming daddy is gone - though you didn't make that clear - Anne would have been screaming and sobbing and calling for help. At thirteen you wouldn't have enough lucidity to throw your possessions together, strip the coat off your dead mom, and light out after a loved one died. There would be shock and mourning. Father whatisname would have come up, comforted the kid, and had the body removed from the premises. He would've also sent a 'posse' to look for daddy and maybe string him up by the nearest tree limb while they were at it. It just isn't realistic for Anne to run, and what's more, run across the street.

Anne tried to copy the motion again over the fire


The use of the word 'try' implies that she is going the fail.

Where. Is. It?”


Cut the period crap. If you want quiet emphasis, use a dialogue tag like 'hissed' or 'spat'.

“That Dhampyre you had! Where is it?!”


Is this guy blind? Your timeline of events shows that daddy burst in, and then Alicia hid Anne. He evidently saw her with the kid, so he would have seen her stuff Anne up the chimney too.

The man then turned the room upside down, looking for Anne
.

Be more descriptive please.

Anyway, you have an interesting start. If you'd like me to take a look at chapter 2, wing a PM my way.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado
  





User avatar
126 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 126
Wed Feb 13, 2008 3:39 pm
Blue Fairy says...



I loved it.

you are a great writer. :D

what I would say is space the paragraphs out a bit more so it's easier to read.

I can't wait to read more

Fairy
Formely known as Fairy_twinkletoes_13

Grab a pogo stick and come and....pogo with me!

Brains first, then hard work. That's the way to build a house- Eeyore
  





User avatar
28 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 28
Thu Feb 14, 2008 11:38 pm
Aly_Tobias says...



:shock: Oh lord she's back, back I tell you!

Alright, enough with the stupid stuff.

I know I've read this at school but I am quite sure that I had never heard anything of a "beginning" or "preface" to Anne's wonderful tale. :thud: I do believe I've been held out on over here! Let the mighty penguins of the north smite thee woman! :smt019

Oh to the really serious business. I agree with Kylan...is the man blind? Anne was right there in front of him. How could he not have seen her before Alicia hid her? Try to go back and rephrase that so maybe there is a split second for Alicia to hide Anne or something along those lines.
Crime of the century....[yet to be committed]
  





User avatar
5 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 5
Tue Feb 19, 2008 2:10 am
Skuzm says...



It was great!

The others have pretty much summed everything up.

Keep it up.




Skuz
  





User avatar
104 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 104
Sat Feb 23, 2008 11:25 pm
kokobeans says...



I love this!

You've done a great job setting up a backround and introducing the characters.

I can't really see much wrong. There's a few cliche phrases in there, and your sentence structure could do with a bit of work, but they're things that will improve with practice.

This is a great beginning, keep up the good work. Kudos.

Ps

Part two, part two!
  





User avatar
497 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 6400
Reviews: 497
Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:05 am
Teague says...



Ahoy there! Welcome to YWS! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. ;)

Awesome username, by the way. Sweeney Todd = awesome flick.

Alicia Bonnie sat on the floor next to her thirteen-year-old daughter, teaching her the properties of Majik involving fire. The child tried to put the fire out once, and failed. She tried again, and again, but still failed.

You know what would really be awesome? Combining this paragraph with the next paragraph so that you start off with the action of the fire. ;)

I put them out, mum!”

Mum, when used in this context and any context where it's a name, is proper and therefore capitalised.

Anne watched fearfully in her hiding place as the man beat her mother.

You know what would also be really awesome? Describing the beating with more detail. Violent, yes, more interesting and bound to suck in your audience right away? Also yes.

Quick grammar rule: When someone else starts talking, it needs to be a new paragraph. You have a couple instances where the speaker switches and you don't turn it into a new paragraph.

Her flesh had already begun to cool rapidly.

"Rapidly" is really unnecessary there. It's one of those places where adverbs actually detract from your story.

*Random note* It might help to lengthen this before you kill the mother? It might help with the emotional impact of it. You know, let the reader really connect with the character before BOOM! Man walks in she dies. It's a bit unceremonious.

Your second-to-last paragraph is mostly teling, which is boring. You don't want to just dump exposition on your reader -- it bores them and really detracts from your story. It's best to stick exposition in with the action.

Hmm... it's interesting to see where you're going with this. I'm intrigued by the story. It's decent enough as is, but it would be a lot better if it were longer and I had more time to connect with your characters, which is a crucial element of writing.

Keep at it! More length and more time to connect with characters are the only things you're having trouble with.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber
  





Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 1990
Reviews: 254
Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:39 am
mikedb1492 says...



It didn't get me completely interested, but there was a bit of a magical feeling as I read it. My favorite part, though, was when she opened up the box, and the bible and the spell book were right by each other. Very Christian. Very funny.
  





User avatar
52 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 52
Tue Apr 15, 2008 2:43 pm
Echolair says...



I liked it. Not so appealing as it gets on but somehow just fine. It would've gotten better if the story wasn't rushed though. It did feel like fast-forwarding it to the end.

Just that but seriously, you got potential.

Part two. *crosses fingers*

:)
In heaven there is only you, on earth you are all i want. -Psalms 73:25
  





User avatar
18 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 18
Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:19 pm
chyeahmclovinx3 says...



eeeeeeek !
yay taylor [x
i mean..sweeney_todd
lmfao !
i love youuu.
and how come ive never read this?
did you write this at school?
because i should definatly get to read it when you write moreee.
yay [x
"in spite of everything, i still think people are good at heart" - anne frank.
  








My one true aspiration in life is to make it into the quote gen.
— avianwings47