z

Young Writers Society


The takeover Account one



How do you like it?

Yes I did
1
33%
No I did not
2
67%
 
Total votes : 3


User avatar
12 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
Tue Feb 26, 2008 4:09 am
Ghostwriter says...



I was use to sliding through life, ever see those kids that just sit there staring at something when they should be doing something?
That was me.
I was also the kid you would see walk to and from home alone.
Always sat by himself.
But not anymore.
Ever since that day, My life has led to this.
That was then.
Now?
Let’s start at then.
It all began when I was walking to school…
TAKEOVER.

I walked to school thinking of what the day will be like when Mrs. Ross finds out about my art project.
I looked at the middle school and noted that it was nothing special. It was big and housed a 1000 kids but that was all that separated it from the other schools.
Except for the kids who don’t even know who Winston Churchill was. And the same kids strange habit of throwing rocks at me.
Right now I hope their well.
The school then had nothing special going on.
Until that happened.
I was annoyed about the Goose who were crapping on the sidewalk when a large boom came to my ear. The geese flew off at the sound.
I Looked up and down and left and right.
There was nothing there. And the Loud boom was gone.
I shrugged and continued walked to the school….and then a thing from the sky hit the football field.

Contrary to reports, I wasn’t the first one to the crash site, I was just one of them. The team was going out for a running when it landed in the middle of the field. No one was hurt when it crashed but it scared most of them off. The only ones who stayed were the ones who couldn’t move.
I was more then happy to run away as well but my natural curiosity is fierce.
I walked across the crashed fence, onto the field and to the crater.
Or hole.
The thing didn’t show a trail or even a large amount of dirt. It was more like someone shot the earth with something.
The hole was about the size of a large plate and seemed almost harmless.
“ it’s cool!” I shouted to the shocked football players.
“ It look’s like something is digging deep in the earth!” I Then took a another look at the hole. Something was glowing inside it.
I ran to the announcers box that our school has and then found a flashlight under the seat. Must be how they read in the dark when the lights out.
I rushed to the hole and aimed the flashlight down the hole…and was shocked.
“ Somebody get help!” I Shouted and reached down the hole with both of my hands and pulled out a girl.
She was covered in slime and I couldn’t see her face but could tell from her body form.
“ 911!” I yelled again and putted her on the ground.
I checked her pulse and saw that she was breathing.
“ Come on!” I groaned and picked her up again.
I then began to rush for the school.
Maybe I should have left her in that hole if I knew what was going to happen.

I took her to the nurses office and left her on the resting couch.
“…You know I don’t know what’s wrong with her?” The nurse said shakily.
“ Yeah, I know. Why don’t you call the police and a ambulance?”
The Nurse just threw her hands up and walked to the phone.
I Looked down at the girl and wiped off the slime off her head…and took a step back.
“ What is it?” the nurse asked.
“ I think we don’t need to call the ambulance.” I gulped and looked at the girl.
She had no face. No eyes, no mouth or nose, just a blank.
I sighed and then sat down on a chair and took a deep breath.
I looked at the girl again and then saw her chest rise up and down.
“ what in the world are you?” I whispered.
The girl then stood up.

I Yelped and the nurse looked up.
The last thing she saw was the girl aiming her hand at her and the slime came off it and attached to her eyes.
The nurse yelled in pain as the slime grew over her in five seconds. She was wrapped like a cocoon.
The girl looked at her hand with interest. I slowly began to walk to the door leading outside.
The girl then heard the doorknob turn. She turned around and quickly raised her arm. I opened the door and quickly closed the door.
“ Oh my god…” I gasped and then the door began to open.
I kicked the door closed.
“ What’s with you man?” A 7 grader laughed and pushed me away.
“ NO!” I shouted but he opened the door…and got slimed right on his chest.
Everyone yelled in surprise and then in pain as the girl slimed them all.
Except for me.
I wasn’t there when the girl slimed them all. I Ran out of the school and into the parking lot.
“ Call for help…” I groaned and dialed for 911.
“ Police department.”
“ Listen! I need you to send someone in the local middle school! I need someone here right now!”
“ Okay…Calm down…just tell me…What? Hold on, something is knocking on my door.”
I ran away from the school as fast as I can before she got back on.
“ Kid, I need help myself! There coming in the room! AHHHHH!!!”
The cell phone said the call ended.
“ Oh my god…” I sighed and looked around to see that I practically ran back to my apartment.
“ Thank god!” I yelled and walked inside and saw no one was home.
I looked around quickly for anything to defend me against these things.
I found a bat.
I couldn’t help but think that we should have prepared for this.
I took some sunglasses and putted them on. I walked outside and looked down the street and heard a noise.
It was the girl.
She stood there and watched me.
“ You want to take me down?” I yelled at the girl. I took the bat and readied myself.
“ Come on!”
I then felt something hit my back.
I dropped the bat and looked behind me.
It was the nurse.
But she didn’t have a face.
I Looked back at the girl.
“ Oh no…”
The girl was surrounded by my whole school.
They were all faceless.
“ This sucks…”
that was all I said before the slime covered my mouth.
I then ran back into the apartment and turned on the news.
“ As we watch these creatures appear all over the United states, from Texas to Washington D.C., These things are apparently trying to take over the whole world…I advise you to lock the door right now and wait for help…”
Those were the last words I heard before the slime cover my ears.
My legs were covered in slime and sticked itself to the seat.
The last thing I saw before my eyes were covered was the girl standing in front of the window. She suddenly had beautiful eyes and a mouth.
She was smiling.


The Takeover is not over….
  





User avatar
497 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 6400
Reviews: 497
Tue Feb 26, 2008 4:30 am
Teague says...



Hi there! Welcome to YWS. My name is Saint. =D

Here on YWS, we have a rule about doing 2 critiques for every piece of literature you post. Please be sure and keep this 2:1 ratio, as it helps ensure that everyone gets a critique and it increases your chances of getting a critique in return -- most authors feel the need to repay their critiquers with a critique of their own. ;)

Also, please put a blank line between each of your paragraphs -- including between dialogue paragraphs. It makes reading a lot easier and attracts more readers. Just a general rule of thumb that's mostly common courtesy. :)

While I have you attention, be sure to give these two links a look-see!
Rules. Must read!
A handy posting guide.

Once you've taken care of all of that, send me a PM and I'll be happy to come back and give you a proper critique! :D

Much love.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber
  





User avatar
922 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 42011
Reviews: 922
Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:36 am
GryphonFledgling says...



This was interesting. It was very vague and it could use a little more fleshing out, but it was interesting.

I liked how you were setting up the character. But I didn't really see how that tied into the story later. We meet the character and then they die. There wasn't much growth or conflict. It was scary, but I didn't care much about the character.

Also, I was a bit confused by one of your sentences. You mention that "contrary to reports" the character wasn't the first to the site. Contrary to what reports? Maybe you could elaborate on that a bit more. It seems like there was no time for any reports to go out, since everyone was getting slimed.

Also, the nurse is covered almost instantly, but then when the kid is slimed, there is a long while (enough for him to get home) until the slime completely gets him. Maybe you should edit this so that the sliming is a bit more consistent. If there is a reason why his slime took longer, mention it. Otherwise, either don't have him get slimed until he sees the girl at the end or something.

Anyway, good luck with it!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





User avatar
12 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
Wed Feb 27, 2008 3:06 am
Ghostwriter says...



Who said the character, the story, were dead?
  








"My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together."
— Bishop Desmond Tutu