Young Writers Society

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Umm....

Sorry, but seeing that huge block of writing scared me away, do you think that you could put spaces in between each paragraph, you just press enter twice.

Like

This

And leave a space in between

If you do that, I'll come back and read it.

Whoops, sorry. I forgot about that. I fixed it.

Yo yo yo, TN! How's it going?

Kimmy slowly walked towards the mailbox praying to see a letter from her baby’s father, praying he was alive and well. The little nagging voice was back in her head.

Juxtaposting this might help with impact.

That is why he isn’t writing, that’s why he wont respond.’ It screamed in her head.

A comma after "respond" is more appropriate, as is a lowercase "it."

*Random note* A lot of your sentences are relatively the same in length. Might want to keep an eye on that.

The army hadn’t sent her, her husband’s check.

Getting rid of one of the "her"s and the comma would help here.

All just
had her first name on them.

Any reason why this line is broken up like that?

*Random note* Oh wow, can you break the letter into paragraphs? It's a bit of an eyesore right now.

Er... sorry dear, I just can't read the letter. It's too huge of a paragraph. It's really daunting. Just break that into paragraphs and I'm sure it'll be fine, okay? I scanned it a bit, so no major worries.

Other than your sentence fluency, I have no real complaints with your writing! It's snappy and moves well. Sure, you could use a bit more description, but it's hard to judge since you say there's more to come.

Let me know when you post more!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

No there was no reason for that, but I couldn't seem to find it. I fixed up the letter. When I post more I'll try and remember to tell you. , thanks for the crit.