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Chase was working in the fields when the bell for dinner was by his little sister, Trudy, She's Fifteen. Chase started the long walk back to the old farm house that was his home.

Chase lives in the upper country, where its good for farming, but it was no where near water. This was a serious problem for the local farmers of the little town which chase belonged to.


Marty, chases older brother whom had just turned twenty, raced ahead of chase making small leaps over the growing corn. Chase smiled and sped up keeping pace with Marty.

"You’ll never beat me you know that right?" Chase teased as he raced ahead of Marty.

The house was nearing fast. But suddenly his feet were swiped out from underneath him. Chases mount filled with dirt, he lifted himself up but suddenly was slammed down on the ground again, He looked up and saw Marty running up to the house. Chase lept up and ran after him spitting soil from his mouth.

Chase entered the house a few minuets later to find that everyone was sitting down already. Papa looked up and shook his head disapprovingly. Marty hid a smile as Chase walked to the bathroom to clean out his mouth.

Chase joined Marty, Trudy, Ben, and Papa at the dinner table. The house they lived in was made of wood with a few furnishings that Papa had bought from the Sales Men that traveled to the town every year with new things to sell at discount price. The furnishings where old and Ragged but they were conferable. Marty, and Trudy had their own room, but Ben and Chase had to split one.

"The plow hit a root and the blade buckled, so I'm heading to town to see if the blacksmith will get us a new one." Marty started.

Papa just nodded and slid Marty a few Coins.

"Oh, and i need to to stop at Jerry's and get a box of bow strings, i ran out yesterday." Chase said between mouthfuls of Potato.

"Well, you boys can leave tomorrow morning hen i head down to town to get some supply's." Papa said to both of them.

"Can i come?" Ben said curiously.

"I think you can, we might as well bring Trudy too, She needs a new pair of boots."

Ben smiled and dug into his venison.

Trudy was strangely quiet, she had not said a word about going to town, and that was he favorite thing to do. Chase knew what she was worried about.

Chase had only turned Sixteen a week ago, and Trudy had a week until she also turned Sixteen.

"I suppose we can also go get you tested with Sara." Papa suddenly said with a cracked voice.

Chase rose and Hugged Papa has hard as he could. He was going to find out what Type he was.

There are six different Types a person can be. there is: the Mage, Shifter, Fighter, Enchanter, Shade, and Druid. Chase was going to find out what type he was tomorrow, from the prospector, who would test you. A person is supposed to be tested a week or two after his or her sixteenth birthday, to in a few weeks, Trudy would also be tested. But it was not always happy news. Shades, where deemed as a Mixed Blood, since they are a mix of basically all types. They can bend in with shadows, so can druids, They can cast a few spells, so can Mages, They are also stronger than a normal Human, they get that from the fighter, they can communicate with animals, although not as well as a true druid. They are also adept at making poisons and potions, as is the enchanter, but they have something non e of the others have, Accuracy. They can, with the right training hit a worm crawling out from a tree fifty feet away with a arrow. but that is not the only thing to worry about, there have been cases where a boy or girl would gain two types instead of one, this was also deemed as mixed blood. and so are born into slavery.

This is also why Papa was unnerved, Chase was good with his bow, even though he had no training in it. and if he was deemed a Shade, or a duelist he would be put into slavery.

But Chase had no worry about it. He thought he would end up being a Shifter, who could shape shift to a animal, or a druid, who could control nature.

Ben stood up abruptly, he stretched and said goodnight to everyone, took his dishes to the wash tin and went to the room that they shared. Marty soon followed him grumbling about his long day tomorrow. Chase said good night to Papa and Trudy and went to his room.

"So your getting tested tomorrow." Ben asked with genuine curiosity.

Chase nodded.

"Any idea of what you'll be?"

"Nope, i haven't a clue." Chase undressed and climbed in his small bed on the far side of the wall.

"Well i hope you get something you'll like." Ben said with a little sadness.

only a month ago Ben had gotten tested and was deemed a Shifter. He hadn't learned how to talk to animals yet or to even Shift into one. He was not happy with it. He wanted to be a fighter like Marty and Papa who immediately got training in weapons.

Marty was don't with his Type Schooling. He had been Trained by the Captain of the local Militia. Marty hoped to join and rank up and become a captain soon. but Ben had no chance, Local Militia only recruited young Fighters and Mages and Hired Enchanters to make healing Elixirs and Enchant their weapons.

Chase fell asleep and dreamed of being a Fighter and becoming a local hero.

Chase was working in the fields when the bell for dinner was by his little sister, Trudy, She's Fifteen.

What a horrid opening sentence. You basically tell us everything, very poorly. Ok, his name is Chase, he's a field worker, perhaps a farmer, with a fifteen year old sister named Trudy who rings dinner bells. Where's the intrigue in that? There's no shocker, no surprises, no 'oh no' factor. You tell us too much and you don't tell us well, so we close the cover and keep on moving through the bookshop aisle.

First sentences are the first impression. You wouldn't walk up to your parents in law with green teeth, stringy hair and wearing nothing but a moth eaten potato sack. So why start a story with the same standard?

I'm going to be honest with you, I had no desire to continue. You need to lift the standard of your first line to near perfection. May I suggest keeping the "oh no" factor in mind while starting a story. The "oh no" factor is where you write something that makes readers think "oh no", "uh oh" or "what?".

If you need more information, I recommend paying the following link a visit.

http://writingfiction.suite101.com/arti ... irst_lines

Hope that helped. I look forward to reading what you come up with.

This was good, although there were a few things I'd like to point out.

Chase was working in the fields when the bell for dinner was by his little sister, Trudy, She's Fifteen. Chase started the long walk back to the old farm house that was his home.

Chase lives in the upper country, where its good for farming, but it was no where near water. This was a serious problem for the local farmers of the little town which chase belonged to.

Your opening paragraphs start out with explanations of everything - this is a very simple beginning and I'd advise that you'd change it. To help explain what I'm saying, I'm going to reference Harry Potter because you most likely know what it is;

So, do you think that you'd like to read Harry Potter if it had started out like this:

Harry Potter was a young, average boy, who lived in English suburbia. He lived with his aunt, uncle, and cousin, whom all hated him. Harry seemed to have a very simple life, until a letter arrived.

Since Harry lived in Suburbia, he recieved mail very quickly, but his uncle - who despised him, stole his letter from his hands....


And on and on, anyway, would you rather read that or something with more pizzaz, more suspense, more of a mysterious beginning, that makes you think "what's going on, I'll have to read more"


Sorry about the random example but I'm not really sure how to say this, I guess what I mean is that you need to build up the story and explain things subliminally in the writing as you go.


The same goes for other sentences in the story, not just the beginning, you've got to try to very subtly hide the facts in the story.



That's really the only thing that bothered me, except for a few spelling and grammar mistakes:

The furnishings where old and Ragged

ragged isn't capatilized

"Oh, and i need to to stop at Jerry's and get a box of bow strings, i ran out yesterday."

Whenever you say i it's capatalized to I.

Chases mount filled with dirt,

instead of Chases, it is Chase's with an apostrophe.

The furnishings where old and Ragged but they were conferable.

*Comfortable


Really that's all I could find for spelling and grammar.


Great job! I enjoyed this, although I would like it if you'd slow it down more and let the character's explain some things instead of you listing all of the facts.

Hey there! I don't think I've seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.

Chase was working in the fields when the bell for dinner was by his little sister, Trudy, She's Fifteen.

There are a couple important flaws here. One, this is an incomplete sentence. Two, this sentence does nothing but tell. You want to show us that Chase is working in the fields. What's going through his head? What specifically is he doing? Let us crawl around inside his head a bit.

*Random note* Be sure you're always capitalising names.

Chase lives in the upper country, where its good for farming, but it was no where near water. This was a serious problem for the local farmers of the little town which chase belonged to.

Info dump. Totally not necessary.

The house they lived in was made of wood with a few furnishings that Papa had bought from the Sales Men that traveled to the town every year with new things to sell at discount price. The furnishings where old and Ragged but they were conferable. Marty, and Trudy had their own room, but Ben and Chase had to split one.

A couple things wrong here -- one, why is "ragged" in capitals? Secondly, comfortable* not conferable. Also, this paragraph is also an info dump.

There are six different Types a person can be. there is: the Mage, Shifter, Fighter, Enchanter, Shade, and Druid. Chase was going to find out what type he was tomorrow, from the prospector, who would test you. A person is supposed to be tested a week or two after his or her sixteenth birthday, to in a few weeks, Trudy would also be tested. But it was not always happy news. Shades, where deemed as a Mixed Blood, since they are a mix of basically all types. They can bend in with shadows, so can druids, They can cast a few spells, so can Mages, They are also stronger than a normal Human, they get that from the fighter, they can communicate with animals, although not as well as a true druid. They are also adept at making poisons and potions, as is the enchanter, but they have something non e of the others have, Accuracy. They can, with the right training hit a worm crawling out from a tree fifty feet away with a arrow. but that is not the only thing to worry about, there have been cases where a boy or girl would gain two types instead of one, this was also deemed as mixed blood. and so are born into slavery.

Also an info dump. You don't want to just list stuff like this all at once. You want to introduce it to the reader at the right time, and gradually. No one likes sitting through a giant, lecturing paragraph.

"So your getting tested tomorrow." Ben asked with genuine curiosity.

You're*, and that should be a comma after "tomorrow."

Your main problem is the whole showing vs. telling thing. All you do is tell. You don't show anything, which is 94830 times better. No one wants to just be told "The dog wanted a bone so it barked. The end." It's boring.

You need to spice this up -- let us inside your character's heads. What are they thinking? What are they feeling? Not to mention you need to add detail -- setting and specific detail would be nice. But remember to avoid info dumping.

So definitely work on your grammar, info dumping, and telling.

If you have questions, feel free to PM me!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

"Well, you boys can leave tomorrow morning hen i head down to town to get some supply's." Papa said to both of them.

Supplies, not supply's. When, not hen, and all I's (when referring to a certain person) capitalized.

"Can i come?" Ben said curiously.

That doesn't make much sense. Try something like, 'Ben asked, a curious look on his face' or just put, 'Ben asked.' And remember, capital I.

"So your getting tested tomorrow." Ben asked with genuine curiosity.

Usually if people ask something, there's a question mark. Maybe you should put 'said' in there instead.

I'm sure you'll get better quite quickly, as long as you take all the advice the reviews give.

Good luck,
Sela