Young Writers Society

Finally got a name, please Comment, thanks for reading.



Golden Guard


Chase sprang awake. He had dreamed of the death of his family and nasty creatures. Chase looked out his small doorway, a shadow, it flickered just enough to catch his eye. It was the middle of the night, no one would be up. He slowly got lifted himself off his straw mattress. He started moving toward his hunting knife on the small crude desk next to the door. The shadow flickered again. A faint rustling noise swept down the hallway. The pictures of his family dead from his dream flashed through his mind. He had reached the desk.

Chase reached for the knife, he took it up in his hand, the cool leather felt reassuring in his grasp. He took hold of the pommel and barely slid it out when it made the unmistakable sound of metal against metal Chase froze, there was no doubt that the thing had heard it. The shadow froze. No noise. Then suddenly something crashed to the floor, Chase ripped the knife from its leather sheath. It was about five inches long, his grandfather had given it to him.

A door crashed shut, Chase ran out, the dining room was a mess, tables on their sides, drawers thrown about. He didn't stop, he ran, the door was bouncing shut, he threw open the door and suddenly a fist appeared out of the black of the outdoors and hit him in the mouth throwing him back into the house. Chase groaned but didn't stop, he leaped up and ran out into the darkness. He heard a crack of a whip and a wagon racing out of the dirt road leading to his farm house.

Suddenly everything was illuminated by the moon, Chase was close to the wagon. He ran after it feeling blood trickled out of his mouth. The wagon lurched forward just as he reached for it. Chase fell behind it, rolling he got up and ran after it again. He was gaining on it, the lone driver looked back, the driver was wearing a black cloak and had a sword at his hip.

Chase caught up to it and dived at the wagon. He wrapped his arms around the back of the wagon, he stabbed the knife into the bottom and started climbing in. A sudden jerk and Chase fell. He stole a look at the intruder and time seemed to slow, he hadn't been able to see the face of the intruder before, but what he saw now was like looking into death himself. The intruders face was all scared, it barely looked human, The eyes where black,and his mouth seemed to twist into a snout. Chase continued his fall staring at the smiling intruder. It was the crash on the ground that seemed to bring him out of his trance. He looked up, the wagon was driving madly away then it disappeared behind the bend in the road.

Marty, Chases oldest brother ran up to him. He had dark brown hair that was plastered to his forehead, he was extremely muscular. Marty stared down at Chase with his deep green eyes.

“Didn't get em?” Marty said with sadness.

Chase shook his head. He got up and wiped the blood from his lip and walked back to the house slowly with Marty.

They arrived to find Papa, and Trudy, Chases fifteen year old sister, with her long wavy red hair, and bright green eyes filled with sadness at the sight of the dining room in which the entire family had helped build. Papa was surveying the destroyed room with mixed expressions. The back door swung open and Ben emerged. Ben was tall and lean, he had light almost yellow hair, his Green eyes where still glazed with sleep.

“What happened?” Ben suddenly froze and slowly shrunk to the floor when he saw his prized chair, which he had carved with beautiful designs smashed against the wall.

“Well just sitting here isn't going to get this mess cleaned up.” Papa said hiding all emotions that he might be feeling.

“Who would do such a thing?” Trudy said picking up the leg of the table that Papa had made himself.

“Only a person who didn't care if others lost most of their possessions in a single night.” Papa answered.

Marty savagely punched the wall.

Papa suddenly stood anger filling his face.
“I will have none of that, Just because this has happened does not mean that we can give to our emotions. We are lucky that he only did this, imagine if he had taken or even killed one of us.” Marty's face fell with shame.

“Yes father.” He carefully put a drawer back into its correct cabinet.

“Besides, we have something to look forward too, don't we Chase?” Papa said letting a faint grin play across his face.

Chase only grunted in reply. He knew what it was, he was going to be prospected, tested, to find out what type he would be. He would finally gain his place among society and be pronounced a man. Inside, he was happy and exited, but he showed nothing of it outside.

Chase finished clearing up and walked to the bathroom. At least the bathroom is still intact. He thought as he looked in the mirror.

Chase was going to be sixteen tomorrow. He was of average height, with a lean build, He looked into his eyes, trying to find a answer to what he would be deemed as tomorrow in his Grey eyes. When he had found none, he took a washcloth and pressed it to his lip. His Dark brown hair was plastered against his forehead and he quickly dried it and he walked off to bed. He shut the door and let out a stream of curses. The knife was still in the wagon. The knife that his grandfather had given him while on his death bed. The sheath still lay there. Like a tiger without teeth. It was useless.

Chase climbed into his straw mattress and lay there until a fitfully sleep took hold of him.

Good job, I like the name it flows really well.

i love it but you need to fix a sentence in the first paragraph where it sais

He slowly GOT LIFTED HIMSELF of his straw matress.

but all in all it was a good story!

This was really good, but you should read it aloud to find all your mistakes.

Also, the ending just didn't work for me, sorry, but that's just my opinion. You don't have to change it or anything just correct it.

ST

You made numorus grammatical errors. In order to improve, I reccomend typing everything(Instant messages, posts here, ect.) in word and spell checing it. Always look at the "Explain" option and you will quickly have better grammar.

The other problem would be the description of the characters. Describing them outright is never a good idea. You need to make the description subtle, like this.

Crystal walked on, her light blue eyes sparkling in the sunshine. Crystal's joy to be going to the beach showed as her curly blonde hair flew back as she broke into a run.

This can be tedious, but it will improve your writing by leaps and bounds.

Other then that, I enjoyed this very much. Can't wait to see more!

Anything in bold/italics is either a note from myself or just a note as far as grammar/spelling/capitalization goes. Anything that has a strike out through it just means that it shouldn't be there.

Kaliber wrote: Chase sprang awake (I like this first sentence since it kind of brings the reader right into the story.). He had dreamed of the death of his family and nasty creatures. Chase looked out his small doorway, a shadow, it flickered just enough to catch his eye (this sentence is a little off. Try something like "Chase looked out his small doorway; a shadow flickered just enough to catch his eye."). It was the middle of the night, no one would be up. He slowly [s]got[/s] lifted himself off his straw mattress. He started moving toward his hunting knife on the small crude desk next to the door. The shadow flickered again. A faint rustling noise swept down the hallway. The pictures of his family dead from his dream flashed through his mind. He had reached the desk.

(This sentence's wording is a little off, too. Try something like "Chase reached for the knife; the cool leather felt reassuring in his grasp as he took it" or something.) Chase reached for the knife, he took it up in his hand, the cool leather felt reassuring in his grasp. He took hold of the pommel and barely slid it out when it made the unmistakable sound of metal against metal Chase froze, there was no doubt that the thing had heard it. The shadow froze. No noise. Then suddenly something crashed to the floor[s],[/s] Place a period there instead. Chase ripped the knife from its leather sheath. It was about five inches long, his grandfather had given it to him.

A door crashed shut. Chase ran out, and found that the dining room was a mess with tables on their sides and drawers thrown about. (This entire sentence needs to be rewritten with periods and semi-colons. When you go back to read some of these sentences, read them out loud and watch yourself for when you take a breath so that you know where to put a comma/period/semi-colon.) He didn't stop, he ran, the door was bouncing shut, he threw open the door and suddenly a fist appeared out of the black of the outdoors and hit him in the mouth throwing him back into the house. Chase groaned but didn't stop, he leaped up and ran out into the darkness. He heard a crack of a whip and a wagon racing out of the dirt road leading to his farm house.

Suddenly everything was illuminated by the moon, Chase was close to the wagon. He ran after it feeling blood trickled out of his mouth. The wagon lurched forward just as he reached for it. Chase fell behind it, rolling he got up and ran after it again. He was gaining on it, the lone driver looked back, the driver was wearing a black cloak and had a sword at his hip.

Chase caught up to it and dived at the wagon. He wrapped his arms around the back of the wagon, he stabbed the knife into the bottom and started climbing in. A sudden jerk and Chase fell. He stole a look at the intruder and time seemed to slow, he hadn't been able to see the face of the intruder before, but what he saw now was like looking into death himself. The intruders face was all scared, it barely looked human, The eyes where black,and his mouth seemed to twist into a snout. Chase continued his fall staring at the smiling intruder. It was the crash on the ground that seemed to bring him out of his trance. He looked up, the wagon was driving madly away then it disappeared behind the bend in the road.

Marty, Chase's oldest brother ran up to him. He had dark brown hair that was plastered to his forehead, he was extremely muscular. Marty stared down at Chase with his deep green eyes.

“Didn't get em?” Marty said with sadness.

Chase shook his head. He got up and wiped the blood from his lip and walked back to the house slowly with Marty.

They arrived to find Papa, and Trudy, Chase's fifteen year old sister, with her long wavy red hair, and bright green eyes filled with sadness at the sight of the dining room in which the entire family had helped build. Papa was surveying the destroyed room with mixed expressions. The back door swung open and Ben emerged. Ben was tall and lean, he had light almost yellow hair, his Ggreen eyes where still glazed with sleep.

“What happened?” Ben suddenly froze and slowly shrunk to the floor when he saw his prized chair, which he had carved with beautiful designs smashed against the wall.

“Well just sitting here isn't going to get this mess cleaned up,” Papa said, hiding all emotions that he might be feeling.

“Who would do such a thing?” Trudy said picking up the leg of the table that Papa had made himself.

“Only a person who didn't care if others lost most of their possessions in a single night,” Papa answered.

Marty savagely punched the wall.

Papa suddenly stood, anger filling his face.

“I will have none of that. Just because this has happened does not mean that we can give in to our emotions. We are lucky that he only did this, imagine if he had taken or even killed one of us.” Marty's face fell with shame.

“Yes Father.” He carefully put a drawer back into its correct cabinet.

“Besides, we have something to look forward to[s]o[/s], don't we Chase?” Papa said letting a faint grin play across his face.

Chase only grunted in reply. He knew what it was, he was going to be prospected, tested, to find out what type (type of what? he would be. He would finally gain his place among society and be pronounced a man. Inside, he was happy and exited, but he showed nothing of it outside.

Chase finished clearing up and walked to the bathroom (What time period does this take place in? Up until now I thought it might be a medieval/fantasy sort of thing. If that's the case, then I believe the term for bathroom for that era was outhouse, or something along those lines). At least the bathroom is still intact. He thought as he looked in the mirror.

Chase was going to be sixteen tomorrow. He was of average height, with a lean build. He looked into his eyes, trying to find an answer to what he would be deemed as tomorrow in his Grey eyes. When he had found none, he took a washcloth and pressed it to his lip. His Ddark brown hair was plastered against his forehead and he quickly dried it and he walked off to bed. He shut the door and let out a stream of curses. The knife was still in the wagon. The knife that his grandfather had given him while on his death bed. The sheath still lay there. Like a tiger without teeth. It was useless.

Chase climbed into his straw mattress and lay there until a fitfully fitful? sleep took hold of him.

Overall I did like it, but there are a number of sentences within the rest of the story that are like the ones that I pointed out. The way they're worded is off, and they need to be rewritten.

This was an decent prologue in my opinion. It had action and was well described so it kept me entertained and curious as to what would happen. I like the whole business with his hunting knife. I assume he'll find out who the bad guys are by seeing them with it? Or he'll find their cart because it's still in there?
Anyway, I thought you were a little vague at the end when talking about 'types'. Other than that, though, it was pretty good.

Thanks all, This is mainly meant to be a teaser, and i have rewriten it, along with chapter 2 and most of chapter 3, thanks for commenting.

All in all, it's an interesting plot, and I was entertained by it, but I was distracted by all the grammar errors and the way you put your words in sentences at times. Kaliber pretty much covered it all. But don't leave us hanging! I want to see more.

here is the rewrite and edit. i will post it below chapter 2 when i get to posting it.

Golden Guard


Chase sprang awake. He had dreamed of horrid creatures, and the death of his entire family at the hand of these nightmarish creatures. Chase looked out his small doorway, a shadow, it flickered just enough to catch his eye. It was the middle of the night, no one would be up. He slowly lifted himself off his straw mattress. He started moving toward his hunting knife on the small crude desk next to the door. The shadow flickered again. A faint rustling noise swept down the hallway. The images of his family dead from his dream flashed through his mind. He had reached the desk.

Chase reached for the knife, he took it up in his hand, the inscriptions on the cold dark leather caught his eye. They were written by his grandfather, a picture of a Jaguar in the shadow of a tree in mid pounce. He took hold of the handle and barely slid it out when it made the unmistakable sound of metal against metal . Chase froze, there was no doubt that the thing had heard it. The shadow froze. No noise. Then suddenly something crashed to the floor. Chase ripped the knife from its leather sheath. It was about five inches long, Given to him by his grandfather on his thirteenth birthday.

A door crashed shut, Chase ran out, and found that the dining room was a mess with tables on their sides and drawers thrown about. He didn't stop, he ran, the door was bouncing shut, he threw open the door. A fist appeared out of the black of the outdoors, and hit him in the mouth throwing him back into the house. Chase groaned but didn't stop, he leaped up and ran out into the darkness. He heard a crack of a whip and a wagon racing out of the dirt road leading to his farm house.

Suddenly everything was illuminated by the passing of a cloud. The moon let out a silver light that illuminated the farm and everything around it. Chase was close to the wagon. He ran after it tasting the blood from his lip. The wagon lurched forward just as he reached for it. Chase fell behind it, rolling he got up and ran after it again. He was gaining on it, the lone driver looked back, the driver was wearing a black cloak and had a sword at his hip.

Chase caught up to it and dived at the wagon. He wrapped his arms around the back, he jabbed the knife into the bottom and started climbing in. A sudden jerk and Chase fell. He stole a look at the intruder and time seemed to slow, he hadn't been able to see the face of the intruder before, but what he saw now was like looking into death itself. The intruders face was all scared, it barely looked human, The eyes where black,and his mouth seemed to twist into a snarl. Chase continued his fall staring at the smiling intruder. It was the crash on the ground that seemed to bring him out of his trance. He looked up, the wagon was driving madly away then it disappeared behind the bend in the road.

Marty, Chases oldest brother ran up to him. He had dark brown hair that was plastered to his forehead, he was extremely muscular. Marty stared down at Chase with his deep green eyes.

“Didn't get em?” Marty said with sadness.

Chase shook his head. He got up and wiped the blood from his lip and walked back to the house slowly with Marty.

They arrived to find Papa, and Trudy, Chases fifteen year old sister, with her long wavy red hair, and bright green eyes filled with sadness at the sight of the dining room in which the entire family had helped build. Papa was surveying the destroyed room with mixed expressions. The back door swung open and Ben emerged. Ben was tall and lean, he had light almost yellow hair, his Green eyes where still glazed with sleep.

“What happened?” Ben suddenly froze and slowly shrunk to the floor when he saw his prized chair, which he had carved with beautiful designs smashed against the wall.

“Well just sitting here isn't going to get this mess cleaned up.” Papa said hiding all emotions that he might be feeling.

“Who would do such a thing?” Trudy said picking up the leg of the table that Papa had made himself.

“Only a person who didn't care if others lost most of their possessions in a single night.” Papa answered.

Marty savagely punched the wall.

Papa suddenly stood anger filling his face.

“I will have none of that. Just because this has happened does not mean that we can give in to our emotions. We are lucky that he only did this, imagine if he had taken or even killed one of us.” Marty's face fell with shame.

“Yes Father.” He carefully put a drawer back into its correct cabinet.

“Besides, we have something to look forward to, don't we Chase?” Papa said letting a faint grin play across his face.

Chase only grunted in reply. He knew what it was, he was going to be prospected, tested, to find out what type he would be. He would finally gain his place among society and be pronounced a man. Inside, he was happy and exited, but he showed nothing of it outside.

Chase finished clearing up and walked to the Clean room as they called it. It had a small pool of water on a table that jutted out from the wall. Chase Looked into the small pool of water.

Chase was going to be sixteen tomorrow. He was of average height, with a lean build, He looked into his eyes, trying to find an answer to what he would be deemed as tomorrow in his Grey eyes. When he had found none, he took a washcloth and pressed it to his lip. His dark brown hair was plastered against his forehead and he quickly dried it and he walked off to bed. He shut the door and let out a stream of curses. The knife was still in the wagon. The knife that his grandfather had given him while on his death bed. The sheath still lay there. Like a tiger without teeth. It was useless.

Chase climbed into his straw mattress and lay there until a fitful sleep took hold of him.

I really liked this story. You kept me hooked the entire way through. Besides the few grammatical issues, it was pretty good. Keep writing!