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One to Midnight



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Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:40 pm
Commando588 says...



“Your turn.” I handed the controller reluctantly to my idle friend. He was still grinning from my mediocre game.
“What! You got something to say,” I retorted. He just sat there and grinned, but nonetheless took the sweaty controller from my hand. I watched him play his turn. Of course he fared much better then I. I mean, come on! He owned the game! But I didn’t care. It was still fun, dying or not. The day had rung bright and cheery, very strange weather for Alaska this time of year. I knew it was summer, but I expected to wear little more then a ten pound jacket. I found out after I stepped of the plane at the Ancrage port that I had packed way past the recommended amount of cloths. Two weeks was a long time away from home. It my first major adventure into teen hood. I still was wondering why my parents didn’t mind me going. I’m only fifteen. I remembered the day that my friend told me that he was moving. It didn’t bother me at first, but I later realized I had lost my best friend. Right way we had began to discuss ways that I would be able to visit, and we simple let it fold out in front of us. I woke from my daydream and looked at my friend, to my surprised he was fast asleep. I took a look at the clock before I slowly and steadily grabbed the controller out of his hand. I didn’t want him to awake; if he awoke it would be his turn again. The clock read 12:40am. I sat down and started to play, but I was soon overtaken by sleepiness. I calmly sat my self on the floor and called to my friend. “Marshal, its time to go to sleep.” Of course he was already asleep, but I wanted him turn of the lights. I was being lazy. Marshal stirred in his sleep but did not wake completely, so I turned the lights of myself. I collapsed on his couch, and was soon fast asleep. I new little about what was going on outside. The countries of the world were stirring.
  





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Tue Mar 04, 2008 8:50 pm
Eimear says...



Hmm....interesting.


Ok, this is a great start, and I mean that. Just a couple of things to note and then you should be full steam ahead.

Firstly, paragraph your peice- i.e. after each couple of lines, press enter twice. It's the main rule for posting up work, simply because it looks more professional and actually makes me want to read.

Secondly, just watch your grammar and punctuation- it's obviously a first draft so no biggy.

Seriously though, the last line?? As they say in Ireland- Class! (Great)

The countries of the world were stirring.



Dude. PM me with the next bit. I want to read on.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde.
  





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Thu Mar 06, 2008 5:00 pm
Sometimesinbetween says...



Ok, a couple typos, but otherwise this is great! :D

Of course he fared much better then I.

'then' should be 'than'.
I found out after I stepped of the plane at the Ancrage port that I had packed way past the recommended amount of cloths.

'of' should be 'off'. And 'cloths' I am assuming should be 'clothes'. :)
I remembered the day that my friend told me that he was moving.

This sentence should begin a new paragraph, seeing as you're changing subjects.
Right way we had began to discuss ways that I would be able to visit, and we simple let it fold out in front of us.

'Right way' should be 'Right away', and 'simple' should by 'simply'. Also 'had began' should be 'had begun'.
I woke from my daydream and looked at my friend, to my surprised he was fast asleep.

This should be the beginning of another paragraph And 'suprised' doesn't need the 'd'.
but I wanted him turn of the lights.

Again, 'of' should be 'off'.

The countries of the world were stirring.

I have to agree with Eimear, your closing line is awesome!
This has great potential. Great job!
You can blame all the proofing on my Mom. She's an English teacher so I've learning to proof myself as well.
-Sometimes-
  





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Thu Mar 06, 2008 8:38 pm
Kaliber says...



I think it reflects the teen nature very accurately. :)

I think you should also space the paragraph and break it up some. it was hard to read mainly because it was a big block of text.

Awesome start though.
not going to mention grammer i think the guy above me got all of em.
"Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope."
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 12:04 am
Seraphim says...



Looks good do far; few grammatical mistakes but it happens to the best of us.
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 9:11 pm
JFW1415 says...



Hello!

Nit-picky part first, and then overall comments below. The numbers that follow highlighted text correspond with the numbered comments.

Image
Image
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 10:17 pm
KJ says...



I think that you did well expressing the teenage emotions, but other than that I was bored. Where is this going? You gave hardly anything to really give an opinion on the plot... if there is a plot. The last line was, I think, the best out of all of them, but you do need to write more to start things.
  





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Fri Mar 14, 2008 11:32 pm
Kylan says...



“Your turn.” I handed the controller reluctantly to my idle friend. He was still grinning from my mediocre game.

“What! You got something to say,” I retorted. He just sat there and grinned, but nonetheless took the sweaty controller from my hand. I watched him play his turn. Of course he fared much better then I. I mean, come on! He owned the game! But I didn’t care. It was still fun, dying or not. The day had rung bright and cheery, very strange weather for Alaska this time of year. I knew it was summer, but I expected to wear little more then a ten pound jacket. I found out after I stepped of the plane at the Ancrage port that I had packed way past the recommended amount of cloths. Two weeks was a long time away from home. It my first major adventure into teen hood. I still was wondering why my parents didn’t mind me going. I’m only fifteen. I remembered the day that my friend told me that he was moving. It didn’t bother me at first, but I later realized I had lost my best friend. Right way we had began to discuss ways that I would be able to visit, and we simple let it fold out in front of us. I woke from my daydream and looked at my friend, to my surprised he was fast asleep. [color=yellow]I took a look at the clock before I slowly [s]and steadily [/s]grabbed the controller out of his hand. I didn’t want him to awake; if he awoke it would be his turn again. The clock read 12:40am. I sat down and started to play, but I was soon overtaken by sleepiness. I calmly sat my self on the floor and called to my friend. “Marshal, its time to go to sleep.” Of course he was already asleep, but I wanted him turn of the lights. I was being lazy. Marshal stirred in his sleep but did not wake completely, so I turned the lights of myself. I collapsed on his couch, and was soon fast asleep.[/color=yellow] I new little about what was going on outside. The countries of the world were stirring.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado
  





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Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:09 pm
Kylan says...




“Your turn.” I handed the controller reluctantly to my idle friend. He was still grinning from my mediocre game.

“What! You got something to say,” I retorted. He just sat there and grinned, but nonetheless took the sweaty controller from my hand. I watched him play his turn. Of course he fared much better then I (1). I mean, come on! He owned the game! But I didn’t care. It was still fun, dying or not(2). The day had rung (3)bright and cheery, very strange weather for Alaska this time of year. I knew it was summer, but I expected to wear little more then a ten pound jacket(4). I found out after I stepped of the plane at the Ancrage (5)port that I had packed way past the recommended amount of cloths. Two weeks was a long time away from home. It my first major adventure into teen hood (6). I still was wondering why my parents didn’t mind me going. I’m only fifteen. I remembered the day that my friend told me that he was moving. It didn’t bother me at first, but I later realized I had lost my best friend. Right way we had began to discuss ways that I would be able to visit, and we simple (7)let it fold out in front of us.

I woke from my daydream and looked at my friend, to my surprised he was fast asleep. -8- I took a look at the clock before I slowly [s]and steadily [/s]grabbed the controller out of his hand. I didn’t want him to awake; if he awoke it would be his turn again. The clock read 12:40am. I sat down and started to play, but I was soon overtaken by sleepiness. I calmly sat my self on the floor and called to my friend. “Marshal, its time to go to sleep.” Of course he was already asleep, but I wanted him turn of the lights. I was being lazy. Marshal stirred in his sleep but did not wake completely, so I turned the lights of myself. I collapsed on his couch, and was soon fast asleep. I new little about what was going on outside. (9)

The countries of the world were stirring.


Bolded words are extraneous and unnecessary. Verbosity should be played down. Also, synonyms for said (re: retorted) should be avoided like the plague and immediately treated with a few healthy taps of the backspace key.

1.) What? Are you in victorian England? Loosen up. Say things the way they are instead of quoting something out of Dickens. "He did much better" serves the same purpose as "Of course he fared much better than I."

2.) Doesn't make much sense. I know what you're trying to say, but you're not saying it right.

3.) What? Rung? How does a day ring?

4.) Never heard a jacket described like this before. Maybe "heavy"?

5.) Ancrage = Anchorage

6.) Instead try, "It was my first teenage milestone."

7.) simple = simply

8.) This is a poor transition. First of all, how could so much time have passed without the MCs friend trying to wake/revive the hero of the story. Daydreams aren't comas. Besides, he wasn't consciously daydreaming either. The narrarator was just bringing the reader up to speed - with a massive info-dump, if I may say - the character wasn't actually doing anything. Try transitioning scenes or paragraphs with dialogue and less jumping action. I want to be gradually lowered into a scene, not tossed.

9.) This entire section is a shopping list. I'm sure you could descibe what the kid's doing with a little more class, yes? This isn't literature, it's something you'd find on your Mom's fridge. Please, please rewrite this so it's a little more involving.

This needs work.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado
  





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Fri Mar 21, 2008 2:24 am
Memento Mori says...



It's very realistic, and the characters are easy to identify with, I'll give you that.

But I agree with KJ. It doesn't really have anything of interest as you didn't introduce the plot.

Yours truly,
Memento Mori
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people who piss you off. Outdo yourself. ^^
  





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Tue Apr 01, 2008 1:24 am
Runawaythoughts says...



OK i dont see how this is an action fantasy but ok.
Now for the fun part heres corrections.
The day had rung bright and cheery,

I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. The day rung.
I stepped of the plane at the Ancrage port that I had packed way past the recommended amount of cloths.

3 things
1) you said of instead of off
2) Anchorage! Anchorage!
3) its clothes not cloths

Right way we had began to discuss ways that I would be able to visit, and we simple let it fold out in front of us.


3 things again
1) Right way... is that supposed to be right when?
2) and simple let if fold out.... is that supposed to be simply
3) It NEEDS A LOT OF WORK!

I woke from my daydream and looked at my friend, to my surprised he was fast asleep.


1) if its 12:03 i wouldnt call it a day dream
2)you wouldn't be suprised to find someone asleep at 12:03


I calmly sat my self on the floor and called to my friend.

but I wanted him turn of the lights.

so I turned the lights of myself.

myself is one word
TIWCE IN A ROW THE SAME MISTAKE!!! ITS OFF NOT OF
Read my stories and please review back!
  








Did you ever hear the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise? I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life... He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful... the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. It's ironic he could save others from death, but not himself.
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