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Golden Gaurd



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26 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 26
Tue Mar 04, 2008 11:02 pm
Kaliber says...



Thank you for reading.

Golden Guard

Chapter 1 edited is at bottom



CHAPTER 2

The next day everybody got up early. They didn't even look at the mess in the dining room as Chase and Ben got the horses bridled and tethered them to the deck that jutted out from the house. Marty rolled out the small wagon from the barn at the side of the house and wheeled it up to horses. Ben hooked them to the wagon and Chase climbed up onto the wagon. Papa and Trudy came out of the house with mixed expressions. Chase moved to the back where he could Look out behind to see if anything had fallen, Ben was beside him and Trudy was behind Ben. Marty and Papa where at the front taking turns driving the wagon up the dirt road.


The trip to the town took almost an hour and Chase was getting anxious. Then the trees broke on ether side of the road and the town popped up in front of them. Papa drove the wagon up to the bar and he helped unload the plow that was going to be fitted with a new blade.

Everyone instantly scattered in to the crowd going their separate ways. Chase hadn't been in the town for a long while. Papas look hadn't changed much in a few years, Chase noted. He had grown a few more wrinkles around the eyes and mouth but he was still the same man he knew.

Chase walked to the General store and bought a box of fifty bowstrings with the coins that Papa had given him. Now Chase had a good amount of free time before Papa would take him to the prospectors.

Chase walked to the other side of the street, To the bar. He stepped inside and nearly fell over when a man he had never seen before ran out. He was dressed in business attire, chase noticed. Like he worked for the Prince. A stray bottle followed him out and smashed a few feet from his head. He twirled around and screamed curses and promises of vengeance. Chase walked in and seated himself on a bar stool and leaned on the table.

Mike, the bartender and his family has been a friend of Chases' entire family for generations. Mike smiled when he saw Chase.

“You know I can't give you any ale. Your Pa would have my neck.” Mike said smiling.

Mike was a big muscular man with a kind heart and a good sense of taste.

“I know, just a Sparkling water, please.”

“So today's your big day huh?”

“How did you know about that?”

“Oh, the whole town knows about it. Its not every day that somebody gets prospected.” Mike pointed out.

“Yea I guess.” Chase sipped at his sparkling water.

“Who was that man who Got kicked out?”

“Oh, hes a Tax collector for the Prince, he wants so much bloody tribute because of the pathetic war the Prince is waging with the south.” Mike said with distaste.

Chase had forgot about the war. The town was to high in the north that none of the war reached the town. The only thing that reminded him of it was the crushing taxes.

“I believe that he threatened that he was going to send the Princes Army after us in search of our taxes, some people here even believe it to be true.” Mike said and laughed as if it where a crude joke.

Chase poured the rest of his sparkling water in the canteen he had buckled to his belt, said good bye and left.

Chase stepped out of the bar and took a look around. The town had one main street with Stores and Attractions built around it. He looked down the street, a group of girls where walking down it talking amongst themselves. He spotted Trudy with them. He noted a trinket in her hand. She spotted him and ran over.

“Hey, ready for the test?” She said teasingly.

“I think I am.” Chase said cracking his knuckles loudly. Trudy smiled.

“So you're finally getting prospected.” A familiar voice said from the small group that had followed Trudy over.

“Yes, Angela I am.” Chase said with a faint smile.

Angela stepped boldly out of the group. She was beautiful,she was a week younger than chase, but acted like she was a year older than him. she had bright Red hair that hung down to the middle of her back. She had a thin face, bright blue eyes that could stare anything down until it was begging for mercy. She was frowning and she held her chin high as if she was in total control of everything that was happening and was going to happen.

Angela suddenly smiled brightly and punched Chase in the shoulder.

Chase faked that he had been hurt. They both laughed and they turned and walked to Sara's house at the end of the town.

Trudy and the group resumed their conversation as they all walked into the bar.

“I heard you where attacked last night.” She said with genuine worry.

“let me guess, you heard Ben bragging that he had almost caught the intruder and that the intruder got a cheap shot on him and that's why he was able to get away.” Chase said rolling his eyes.

Angela smiled and nodded.

“Except he said that he saved you from being run over by the intruders runaway wagon.” She said smiling.

“Well, actually he was asleep the entire time. He didn't even know that we were attacked.” Chase said laughing.

Angela laughed with Chase but they where both cut off abruptly as Papa walked up to them.

“I see that you two have caught up.” Papa said with a faint grin.

“But excuse me Angela, Chase here needs to be tested.”

“Of coarse, I'm sorry if i held you guys up.” Papa nodded and guided Chase into the Wooden house.



Chapter 1 (edited)

Chase sprang awake. He had dreamed of horrid creatures, and the death of his entire family at the hand of these nightmarish creatures. Chase looked out his small doorway, a shadow, it flickered just enough to catch his eye. It was the middle of the night, no one would be up. He slowly lifted himself off his straw mattress. He started moving toward his hunting knife on the small crude desk next to the door. The shadow flickered again. A faint rustling noise swept down the hallway. The images of his family dead from his dream flashed through his mind. He had reached the desk.

Chase reached for the knife, he took it up in his hand, the inscriptions on the cold dark leather caught his eye. They were written by his grandfather, a picture of a Jaguar in the shadow of a tree in mid pounce. He took hold of the handle and barely slid it out when it made the unmistakable sound of metal against metal . Chase froze, there was no doubt that the thing had heard it. The shadow froze. No noise. Then suddenly something crashed to the floor. Chase ripped the knife from its leather sheath. It was about five inches long, Given to him by his grandfather on his thirteenth birthday.

A door crashed shut, Chase ran out, and found that the dining room was a mess with tables on their sides and drawers thrown about. He didn't stop, he ran, the door was bouncing shut, he threw open the door. A fist appeared out of the black of the outdoors, and hit him in the mouth throwing him back into the house. Chase groaned but didn't stop, he leaped up and ran out into the darkness. He heard a crack of a whip and a wagon racing out of the dirt road leading to his farm house.

Suddenly everything was illuminated by the passing of a cloud. The moon let out a silver light that illuminated the farm and everything around it. Chase was close to the wagon. He ran after it tasting the blood from his lip. The wagon lurched forward just as he reached for it. Chase fell behind it, rolling he got up and ran after it again. He was gaining on it, the lone driver looked back, the driver was wearing a black cloak and had a sword at his hip.

Chase caught up to it and dived at the wagon. He wrapped his arms around the back, he jabbed the knife into the bottom and started climbing in. A sudden jerk and Chase fell. He stole a look at the intruder and time seemed to slow, he hadn't been able to see the face of the intruder before, but what he saw now was like looking into death itself. The intruders face was all scared, it barely looked human, The eyes where black,and his mouth seemed to twist into a snarl. Chase continued his fall staring at the smiling intruder. It was the crash on the ground that seemed to bring him out of his trance. He looked up, the wagon was driving madly away then it disappeared behind the bend in the road.

Marty, Chases oldest brother ran up to him. He had dark brown hair that was plastered to his forehead, he was extremely muscular. Marty stared down at Chase with his deep green eyes.

“Didn't get em?” Marty said with sadness.

Chase shook his head. He got up and wiped the blood from his lip and walked back to the house slowly with Marty.

They arrived to find Papa, and Trudy, Chases fifteen year old sister, with her long wavy red hair, and bright green eyes filled with sadness at the sight of the dining room in which the entire family had helped build. Papa was surveying the destroyed room with mixed expressions. The back door swung open and Ben emerged. Ben was tall and lean, he had light almost yellow hair, his Green eyes where still glazed with sleep.

“What happened?” Ben suddenly froze and slowly shrunk to the floor when he saw his prized chair, which he had carved with beautiful designs smashed against the wall.

“Well just sitting here isn't going to get this mess cleaned up.” Papa said hiding all emotions that he might be feeling.

“Who would do such a thing?” Trudy said picking up the leg of the table that Papa had made himself.

“Only a person who didn't care if others lost most of their possessions in a single night.” Papa answered.

Marty savagely punched the wall.

Papa suddenly stood anger filling his face.

“I will have none of that. Just because this has happened does not mean that we can give in to our emotions. We are lucky that he only did this, imagine if he had taken or even killed one of us.” Marty's face fell with shame.

“Yes Father.” He carefully put a drawer back into its correct cabinet.

“Besides, we have something to look forward to, don't we Chase?” Papa said letting a faint grin play across his face.

Chase only grunted in reply. He knew what it was, he was going to be prospected, tested, to find out what type he would be. He would finally gain his place among society and be pronounced a man. Inside, he was happy and exited, but he showed nothing of it outside.

Chase finished clearing up and walked to the Clean room as they called it. It had a small pool of water on a table that jutted out from the wall. Chase Looked into the small pool of water.

Chase was going to be sixteen tomorrow. He was of average height, with a lean build, He looked into his eyes, trying to find an answer to what he would be deemed as tomorrow in his Grey eyes. When he had found none, he took a washcloth and pressed it to his lip. His dark brown hair was plastered against his forehead and he quickly dried it and he walked off to bed. He shut the door and let out a stream of curses. The knife was still in the wagon. The knife that his grandfather had given him while on his death bed. The sheath still lay there. Like a tiger without teeth. It was useless.

Chase climbed into his straw mattress and lay there until a fitful sleep took hold of him.
"Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope."
  





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Points: 1176
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Wed Mar 05, 2008 11:51 am
thunder_dude7 says...



I liked this, good work. It's not nessesary to copy the previous chapter or even post links, as we can just check your portfolio.

My prime concern here is grammar. When you are pointing out ownership of an item, use an apostrophe, like this: "Papa's plow" If the name ends in s or is refering to multiple people, do it like this: "Ross' pot" "The children's toy". You also are shaky in the commas department, which is understandable, they're weird.

Other then that, this was good. Keep it up!
  





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Gender: Female
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Wed Mar 05, 2008 6:03 pm
onceuponatim3xo says...



Good job! :D

The only thing that bothered me was the first paragraph, there were way too many outright statements and it didn't flow as well as it should. You seemed to say a lot "Chase did this..." "Papa and Trudy did this..." Try to fix that part up a bit and make it flow more, like the rest of the story.

Other than that though, good job! :D
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
-Buddha
  





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Points: 1990
Reviews: 254
Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:20 pm
mikedb1492 says...



Then the trees broke on ethre side of the road...

I think you meant to say either, but that word doesn't work in that situation. Just say they broke on both sides, because either means it could be happening on one side or the other.
“I know, just a Sparkling water, please.”

Did they even have that back then?
Chase poured the rest of his sparkling water in the canteen he had buckled to his belt, said good bye and left.

Did he pay?

Other than those things I really liked it. Much better than the previous chapter in my opinion. I'm pretty curious as to what this test he's going to take is all about, so I'll stay tuned.
  





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26 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 26
Thu Mar 06, 2008 6:21 pm
Kaliber says...



Thanks for posting guys.

I'm working on it now.

I know that I like am terrable at grammar, and I hate commas by the way:)

But im working on it. I have most of the third chapter finished. This is where the action starts :)

Stay tuned!
"Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope."
  





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Thu Mar 06, 2008 6:29 pm
KJ says...



“You know I can't give you any ale. Your Pa would have my neck.” Mike said smiling.

Mike was a big muscular man with a kind heart and a good sense of taste.

It would be better as "You know I can't give you any ale. Your Pa would have my neck." Mike was smiling. He was a big muscular man with a kind heart and a good sense of taste.


And the first paragraph needs to be separated a little. There's too many different things happening.

There were a few typos here and there--just go back and look for them and you'll see them.

It was an good addition. Liked it. Keep writing.
Last edited by KJ on Sat Mar 15, 2008 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





User avatar
26 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 26
Thu Mar 06, 2008 7:53 pm
Kaliber says...



thanks for your help guys seriously. i don't know what i would do without you .

(edited)

Tell me if there is still stuff wrong.



CHAPTER 2

The next day everybody got up early. They didn't even look at the mess in the dining room as Chase and Ben got the horses bridled and tethered them to the deck that jutted out from the house. Marty rolled out the small wagon from the barn at the side of the house and wheeled it up to horses. Ben hooked them to the wagon and Chase climbed up onto the wagon.

Papa and Trudy came out of the house with mixed expressions. Chase moved to the back where he could Look out behind to see if anything had fallen, Ben was beside him and Trudy was behind Ben. Marty and Papa where at the front taking turns driving the wagon up the dirt road.


The trip to the town took almost an hour and Chase was getting anxious. Then the trees broke on ether side of the road and the town popped up in front of them. Papa drove the wagon up to the bar and he helped unload the plow that was going to be fitted with a new blade.

Everyone instantly scattered in to the crowd going their separate ways. Chase hadn't been in the town for a long while. Papas look hadn't changed much in a few years, Chase noted. He had grown a few more wrinkles around the eyes and mouth but he was still the same man he knew.

Chase walked to the General store and bought a box of fifty bowstrings with the coins that Papa had given him. Now Chase had a good amount of free time before Papa would take him to the prospectors.

Chase walked to the other side of the street, To the bar. He stepped inside and nearly fell over when a man he had never seen before ran out. He was dressed in business attire, chase noticed. Like he worked for the Prince. A stray bottle followed him out and smashed a few feet from his head. He twirled around and screamed curses and promises of vengeance. Chase walked in and seated himself on a bar stool and leaned on the table.

Mike, the bartender and his family has been a friend of Chases' entire family for generations. Mike smiled when he saw Chase.

“You know I can't give you any ale. Your Pa would have my neck.” Mike said smiling. Mike was a big muscular man with a kind heart and a good sense of taste.

“I know, just a sweet tea then, please.”

“So todays your big day huh?”

“How did you know about that?”

“Oh, the whole town knows about it. Its not every day that somebody gets prospected.” Mike pointed out.

“Yea I guess.” Chase sipped at his tea.

“Who was that man who got kicked out?”

“Oh, hes a Tax collector for the Prince, he wants so much bloody tribute because of the pathetic war the Prince is waging with the south.” Mike said with distaste.

Chase had forgot about the war. The town was to high in the north that none of the war reached the town. The only thing that reminded him of it was the crushing taxes.

“I believe that he threatened that he was going to send the Princes Army after us in search of our taxes, some people here even believe it to be true.” Mike said and laughed as if it where a crude joke.

Chase poured the rest of his sparkling water in the canteen he had buckled to his belt. He payed, said good bye and left.

Chase stepped out of the bar and took a look around. The town had one main street with stores and attractions built around it. He looked down the street, a group of girls where walking down it talking amongst themselves.

He spotted Trudy with them. He noted a trinket in her hand. She spotted him and ran over.

“Hey, ready for the test?” She said teasingly.

“I think I am.” Chase said cracking his knuckles loudly. Trudy smiled.

“So you're finally getting prospected.” A familiar voice said from the small group that had followed Trudy over.

“Yes, Angela I am.” Chase said with a faint smile.

Angela stepped boldly out of the group. She was beautiful,she was a week younger than chase, but acted like she was a year older than him. she had bright Red hair that hung down to the middle of her back. She had a thin face, bright blue eyes that could stare anything down until it was begging for mercy. She was frowning and she held her chin high as if she was in total control of everything that was happening and was going to happen.

Angela suddenly smiled brightly and punched Chase in the shoulder.

Chase faked that he had been hurt. They both laughed and they turned and walked to Sara's house at the end of the town.

Trudy and the group resumed their conversation as they all walked into the bar.

“I heard you where attacked last night.” She said with genuine worry.

“let me guess, you heard Ben bragging that he had almost caught the intruder and that the intruder got a cheap shot on him and thats why he was able to get away.” Chase said rolling his eyes.

Angela smiled and nodded.

“Except he said that he saved you from being run over by the intruders runaway wagon.” She said smiling.

“Well, actually he was asleep the entire time. He didn't even know that we were attacked.” Chase said laughing.

Angela laughed with Chase but they where both cut off abruptly as Papa walked up to them.

“I see that you two have caught up.” Papa said with a faint grin.

“But excuse me Angela, Chase here needs to be tested.”

“Of coarse, I'm sorry if i held you guys up.” Papa nodded and guided Chase into the Wooden house.
"Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope."
  





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157 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1807
Reviews: 157
Sat Mar 08, 2008 4:30 am
onceuponatim3xo says...



Just a few things:

"I know, just a sweet tea then, please."


This needs to match up with the following sentence that you have later on in the story;

Chase poured the rest of his sparkling water in the canteen he had buckled to his belt.


And then just some nitpicky stuff:

"Let me guess, you heard Ben bragging that he had almost caught the intruder..."


L is capatalized

And:

"Of course, I'm sorry if i held you guys up."



course with a u, you had it with an a (which means rough-textured)


Other than that great job! :D
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
-Buddha
  





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Points: 890
Reviews: 9
Mon Mar 10, 2008 11:44 pm
krazykoreandevil says...



overall excellent story. The first chapter is kinda short however. The first chapter is filled with wonderous description, but some gramatical mistakes.


Marty, Chases oldest brother ran up to him. He had dark brown hair that was plastered to his forehead, he was extremely muscular.

should be

Marty, Chase's oldest brother ran up to him. He had dark brown hair that was plastered to his forehead, he was extremely muscular.

Mike, the bartender and his family has been a friend of Chases' entire family for generations. Mike smiled when he saw Chase.

should be

Mike, the bartender and his family has been a friend of Chase's entire family for generations. Mike smiled when he saw Chase. (cause u can't use Chases' unless there are several Chases. ;))


by the way, that was pretty good description ;)



you have many strong points. You are an overall excellent writer, you can use imagery and foreshadowing, (even if you do it unintentionally) and you can entrance a reader. In the first chapter, you might want to write a few more sentences on the job's that Chase could take, and which one he wants. You could describe what Chase's family wants.

also elaborate more on who Ben is. family? worker? friend? age? position in society?
  








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