Young Writers Society

“Where are you taking me.”

Thomas coughed, shivering slightly. He still recalled the frigid cold water he was in only moments before. Igor tightened his grip on his shoulder as they passed a group of female students running towards the door to their left. Cabins on either side of them bordered the entire hallway and a long red mat now soaked from the feet of the wet students connected the two sides.

Shouting filled the air from the room the girls had entered.

“Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight!” The chanting grew fainter as they walked on with the occasional roar of laughter being heard.

The chandeliers above them moved gently with the ship’s motion. The yellow light from above gave the entire hallway a golden aspect to it and every other wall that did not encompass a door was covered with paintings bearing the likeness of an older teacher in uniform. As they turned into the right corridor they came to a stop in front of a black knob less door that gleamed in the light.

“Igor!” a female voice called out. “Our teacher wants to see you.”

Igor turned around, partially blocking his view, and nodded curtly.

“Who is your friend?” she asked.

He turned around immediately finally allowing Thomas to see what was going on. They were both staring at him intensely, she brushed her long brown hair to the side as Thomas felt even ore intimidated.

“Well come on now, what’s your name?” the girl asked again.

“Oh right, Thomas, Thomas Pinewood” he finished, coughing at the end. The salty water he had gulped down was beginning to irritate his throat.

“Mind if I call you Bob then?”

“Ah actually yeah I do….”

“Bob it is then!” she interrupted as she turned around and began to sprit away.

“Thomas right?” Igor asked as he slapped the door twice. Thomas gave a nod as the door opened slightly. “That’s good, I thought I had heard a, different speech, from Valerie.”

Thomas felt Igor firmly grip his shoulder again as they entered the dark room. Several glowing blue circles emanated around a navy desk that was positioned in the middle.
As they entered the dark room two grey hands gripped Igor around his neck trying to drag him towards the desk. Thomas’s eyes switched to the man at the desk as he dashed his wand from side to side; mimicking the motion of the hands Igor struggled to pull free. In an instant Thomas’s eyes met his as the hands immediately disappeared, causing Igor to fall backwards. The glowing circles on the floor had begun to dim by the second as his vision was failing. At last only one blue circle remained emanating on the floor around the desk. He stepped backwards in the direction he had entered then the last circle dimmed.

“Now Igor, what do have to say for yourself,”

“Nincs semmim hoz mond érted....”

Thomas’s felt his heart rate increase/pound as he lost complete vision of the door and anything around him.

“He will tell Bagintons Academy,”

“Memoria homályos!”



“Poor guy….”

“What happened to him?”

Thomas woke up in a sweat as he gripped the bed sheet. He sat up and wiped his eyes. His glasses had been removed. As he fumbled around him for them he heard Charlie’s voice call out.

“Thomas, Thomas! Get out of the way you, yeah, you’ll be the sorry one!”

“Charlie!" He called out, just making out the blurry figures of the people grouped around him.

“Christ, What happened to you!” he heard Charlie exclaim as he peered around to see him scratching his blond hair.

“No clue, Where am I?” Thomas replied as he leaned to either side of the bed.

“Ah, the ship’s resting ward, have you lost something?” Charlie asked as the door behind him slammed.

“I can’t find my glasses?”

“They're on your forehead….”

“Excuse me, Excuse me!”

The small crowd turned to elderly man who had just entered the door “Just a word, that we are still on a scheduled deadline to rendezvous our guests with the Nottingham Griffins!”

The crowd booed as the man continued, “more preparation is needed for tonight’s feast, all paws on deck, Husky’s Unite!”

“I don’t trust that guy,” Charlie murmured, “gave me a look, when I accidentally bumped into him at a dead-end."

Alright, let's get started.

They were both staring at him intensely and the fact that her long brown hair made her seem even more intimidating, did not help the situation.

How is long brown hair intimidating? Just wondering.

Igor asked as he slapped the door twice

I think 'slapped' isn't a good word to use here. Use 'knocked on the door' instead of 'slapped the door'.

“Charlie! He called out...

You forgot the second " after Charlie.

This was pretty good and well written, but I felt like I'd just been thrown into a world where I know absolutely nothing. Like when that one guy pulls out the wand. I had no clue what was going on. I hadn't even known there was magic involved in this story.

Anyway, pretty good job so far. I might read the next part when it comes out.

I was a little confused the entire time. They have school on a ship? And there's magic?

I liked your writing. Your style was really great. But I really was confused as to what was going on in the chapter. Take your time and explain things a bit better. It's okay for the chapter to be longer than it is.

You did a great job with writing though. I really do like your style. *is a bit jealous*

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

I didn't really understand anything of what was happening. I like a story where it just dives in... but I have to be able to grasp where I am and who the characters are once I'm into it. While I read this I just felt lost, and like I was scrambling to get these little details being thrown at me.

Slow it down a little. Introduce these people.

Keep writing.

It's interesting enough, but I agree with the other critiquers that it's a little hard to follow; the characters aren't really given any introduction. The idea of a school on a boat is cool, though.

My suggestions are in red. You use the word "as" A LOT so you should probably cut back on that.

“Where are you taking me.” Is there a reason there's a period instead of a question mark?

Thomas coughed, shivering slightly. He still recalled the frigid cold water he was in only moments before. Since “frigid” and “cold” mean the same thing, you only need to use one of those words. Also, if he was in the water only moments before, the word “still” doesn’t seem necessary. Maybe you should change this to something like: “Thomas coughed, shivering slightly from the frigid water he’d been in only moments before.” Igor tightened his grip on his shoulder as they passed a group of female students running towards the door to their left. Cabins on either side of them bordered the entire hallway and a long red mat now soaked from the feet of the wet students connected the two sides.

Shouting filled the air from the room the girls had entered.

“Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight!” The chanting grew fainter as they walked on with the occasional roar of laughter being heard.

The chandeliers above them moved gently with the ship’s motion. The yellow light from above gave the entire hallway a golden aspect to it and every other wall that did not encompass a door was covered with paintings bearing the likeness of an older teacher in uniform. As they turned into the right corridor they came to a stop in front of a black knob less door that gleamed in the light. This paragraph seems full of awkward wording. I can’t seem to come up with an exact suggestion for you, but “a golden aspect to it” should be shortened to something…like maybe the first sentence should be something like “The yellow light from above gave the entire hallway a golden glow” and then there should be a new sentence for the walls, or something like that? The word “encompass” doesn’t seem to fit and “bearing the likeness of an older teacher in uniform” seems unnecessarily long; this could just be “paintings of older teachers in uniform.”

“Igor!” a female voice called out. “Our teacher wants to see you.”

Igor turned around, partially blocking his view, and nodded curtly.

“Who is your friend?” she asked.

He turned around immediately I think maybe there should be a comma here but it might be optional finally allowing Thomas to see what was going on. They were both staring at him intensely. She brushed her long brown hair to the side as Thomas felt even more intimidated. I think it would be better if "as" were changed to "and" or if this was a separate sentence: "They were both staring at him intensely. She brushed her long brown hair to the side. Thomas felt even more intimidated.

“Well come on now, what’s your name?” the girl asked again.

“Oh right, Thomas, Thomas Pinewood[color],[/color]” he [s]finished[/s] said, coughing at the end. The salty water he'd gulped down had started to irritate his throat.

“Mind if I call you Bob then?”

“Ah actually yeah I do….”

“Bob it is then!” she interrupted as she turned around and began to sprint away.

“Thomas, right?” Igor asked as he slapped the door twice. Thomas gave a nod as the door opened slightly. “That’s good, I thought I had heard a, different speech, from Valerie.”

Thomas felt Igor firmly grip his shoulder again as they entered the dark room. Several glowing blue circles emanated around a navy desk [s]that was positioned[/s] in the middle.

As they entered the dark room two grey hands gripped Igor around his neck trying to drag him towards the desk. Thomas’s eyes switched to the man at the desk as he dashed his wand from side to side; mimicking the motion of the hands Igor struggled to pull free. <--not sure I understand this sentence In an instant Thomas’s eyes met his as the hands immediately disappeared, causing Igor to fall backwards. The glowing circles on the floor had begun to dim by the second as his vision was failing. At last only one blue circle remained emanating on the floor around the desk. He stepped backwards in the direction he had entered then the last circle dimmed.

“Now, Igor, what do have to say for yourself?”

“Nincs semmim hoz mond érted....”

Thomas’s felt his heart rate increase/pound as he lost complete vision of the door and anything around him.

“He will tell Bagintons Academy,”

“Memoria homályos!”



“Poor guy….”

“What happened to him?”

Thomas woke up in a sweat as he gripped the bed sheet. He sat up and wiped his eyes. His glasses had been removed. As he fumbled around him for them he heard Charlie’s voice call out.

“Thomas, Thomas! Get out of the way you, yeah, you’ll be the sorry one!”

“Charlie!" he called out, just making out the blurry figures of the people grouped around him.

“Christ, What happened to you!” he heard Charlie exclaim as he peered around to see him scratching his blond hair.

“No clue. Where am I?” Thomas [s]replied[/s] said as he leaned to either side of the bed.

“Ah, the ship’s resting ward, have you lost something?” Charlie asked as the door behind him slammed.

“I can’t find my glasses?”

“[colore=red][s]Their[/s] They're[/color] on your forehead….”

“Excuse me, Excuse me!”

The small crowd turned to elderly man who had just entered the door “Just a word, that we are still on a scheduled deadline to rendezvous our guests with the Nottingham Griffins!” not sure this is the right use of the word "rendezvous"

The crowd booed as the man continued, “More preparation is needed for tonight’s feast, all paws on deck, Huskies unite!”

“I don’t trust that guy,” Charlie murmured. “Gave me a look, when I accidentally bumped into him at a dead-end."

LOVE your style! but as soon as I started to read I was sorta like 'whoa!' A school on a ship? thats what it is right?
oh well, It was very interesting but.... introduce these people!