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Young Writers Society


Worthy of Love



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Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:02 am
Commando588 says...



Sorry its so long! I tryed to space it more, it used to be a couple of paragraphs. It may not be that well writen, i'm not sure. But what I do know is it needs some major Editing. And i was hoping you guys could help! Like I said, it may not be that well writen, but stay tooned! I'm pretty sure its going to go some where interesting... hopefully! :D



A wind. A breeze. A stream. One hope. One way to cope. A thing never seen by human eyes. A dream swept up by a human mind. A beautiful thing that was created to impress. An object of worship, not meant to be what it is. My dream, not theirs. It sounded so good to them actually, that they wished it was theirs.

Ignorant of their gift, to much focused on others. Idiotic, that’s what I said. They didn’t believe me. Who would believe someone like me? Kid, teen, dreamer. Friend? I'm not so sure about the last one. Am I? Was I?
Perhaps I was too focused on the world and not enough on them. But whose opinion matters the most? Defiantly not mine! Can something be so weird that the people that once loved you don’t? Yes, that’s the way it seemed. Me, a cornerstone? No, the man who gave me this so-called gift.

Time seemed to have never started in my life, it seemed like it was always there. Never stopping, never beginning, but if you want to think about it deeply you will find one answer. Creative... design. Its there. But I guess it’s your choice about what you want to think. Right or wrong, we all believe so many different things. But I didn’t come here to criticize your religion. That’s not my way.

I’m sorry this terrible curse has come to you. but it did. It happened and now there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing. Life seems to be gone in the wind. One word can change a country. One word that Michel Carter could not stop from being spoke. I hated every moment of it. I was the one going to have the easy life. But in times like this, who does?

Hold on. I’m going to have to finish this faster then I was hoping. I’m sorry for this. I’m sorry for everything. For trying and failing. I need not another chance, for I would screw it up just like last time. I want to say one more thing to the world before I’m gone. I fear that soon they will find us. But remember my friends, I started out with nothing but family, God and friends. I need a predecessor, a willing friend, to continue my legacy. And I pray that this man will fare better then I.

I want you, my friend to take my place. To save what I couldn’t. To save us. To save everyone. To save yourself. And remember my friends, God still loves us.


End transmission.


Message sent: March 1, 2009.


I was there that day, staring blankly at the screen that emited the brodcast. I listened to everything that man had to say. The sound of the his voice was sweet. A kind tone that wanted to say that he loved you. Michel Carter he called himself. He had called himself that since his first patriotic appearance back at the end of 2008. I liked him. He reminded me of my family. Michel wasn’t his real name. We all knew that. We didn’t know his first name, though. Michel, he said, was just the coolest name he had ever heard. And in times like this one could, and had the right, to change ones name if he pleased. I’m not really here to tell you about his story. Allthough, his ties into ours so much that it would be a very difficult task to separate them completely.

My friend told me to sit down and write this. He said that one-day the world would want to know what went done here. He was apparently quoting some movie that I never saw. I trusted him about this writing thing. I told him there was more likely better thing’s to do with my time. He told me to trust him and went on his way. I wouldn’t see him for a while, four months to be exact. Four other men went with him, four of my best friends. I would miss them, but they had a job to do. So did I; I had to try to survive.

Sincerely, A friend


This note was discovered at 4:10 Pm Friday, May the 22, 2023. Along with this note, roughly 30 other collections of notes where found. This First note was the beginning of the rest, an introduction to almost 30 peoples story’s. The Participants of the notes told of their individual actions. The last entry taken was writen on May, 2010. After this date, the owners of all thirty Note books were considered dead. All Except one.
Last edited by Commando588 on Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:06 pm, edited 4 times in total.
You can only be Lost in one place for so long. After awhile you just call it home.

I could say a thousand words and break your heart. Or I could never say one, and break it just the same.
------------
  





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Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:52 am
Nate says...



Aye, you do need some serious editing!

Firstly, this ain't long. Read a few other stories around here, and you'll find the yours is actually short ;)

Grammar...

Their vs. There: Their refers to a person. There refers to a place.

"My dream, not there’s. It sounded so good to them actually, that they wished it was there’s."


Should be:

"My dream, not theirs. It sounded so good to them actually, that they wished it was theirs."

Spelling Mistakes:

You misspelled Carter as Crater when you first introduced him.

Altogether has one l. No more, no less.


Other Stuff...

This is too confusing right now. You open up with a transmission, then that transmission is in a note, which is discovered in 2023? That's hard to understand. It's kind of like having a dream within a dream. Right now, I don't know if this is taking place in 2009 or 2023.

The message was broadcasted on every AM frequencies except two. New York city, and San Francisco. The AM frequencies were disrupted at 1:34 Am mountain time.


Too much information, and a bit impossible. You can jam an AM frequency, but the person sending it can't say, "I want this to be heard in Newark, but not New York City." You also want to say 'all' instead of 'every.' Here's a rewrite:

"The message was broadcasted on all AM frequencies before it was disrupted at 1:34 a.m. mountain time."

Keep on working with this and developing it more.
  





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Mon Mar 24, 2008 3:04 am
Ghostwriter says...



This doe's need some editing. But this is quiet excellent starting topic.
It makes you wonder what the 30 note's are about.
However, the Beginning was a bit confusing. I'm pretty sure it just need's a bit of editing to make it clear.

I give this a 4 out of 5. I can't wait for the other storie.
A person's heart is like a painting.
Because it's fragile, yet it bring's the greatest emotions to you.
  





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Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:08 am
deleted6 says...



Firstly, Nate is right this is very very confusing. You start out with a long kinda cliche beginning. It's not so bad, but I had no idea it was a video. Put that whole bit into italics. Your grammar ain't really that great. And this moves too fast. Feel like I'm on a train trying to read it on signs I past.

You never get clear understanding of years. What year is inside the video. Or even yet the character, I never really saw them. They all seem sameish. It's just so damn confusing.

My advice is proof read this, follow Nate suggestions, try to make year leap clearer with details like. Just so jumpy. Even if the start was tiny bit cliche. It was still rather well written.

Good luck
VSN
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]
  





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Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:38 am
Aedomir says...



Hiya!

Mind if I take a look? Thought not...

I loved the opening paragraph, very well written, and an excellent catch.

gift, to much


'too', homophone :wink:

Ignorant of their gift, to much focused on others. Idiotic, that’s what I said. They didn’t believe me. Who would believe someone like me? Kid, teen, dreamer. Friend? I'm not so sure about the last one. Am I? Was I? Perhaps I was too focused on the world and not enough on them. But whose opinion matters the most? Defiantly not mine! Can something be so weird that the people that once loved you don’t? Yes, that’s the way it seemed. Me, a cornerstone? No, the man who gave me this so-called gift.


Sorry for the large quote. I liked this part, but it was too much of an info dump, very heavy and I found myself very confused. Having said that, it is 9:00 in the morning...

Its there.


Add an apostrophe after 'It'.

General Impressions

Like Nate said, I think you really need to focus on homophones, and might I add; apostrophes. This was a great opening, but it was very heavy and it hurt my head. :?

Again, I would echo that I found it very confusing. Was this story set in '09 or '23? I am guessing the latter, but this needs to be more clear. Perhaps some simple formatting could do that, but I am unsure.

Either way, keep writing!

~Mark~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
  





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Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:42 pm
GamesEnd says...



Grammatically and spelling i agree with what the others said it is still pretty rough (but my spelling and grammar are rough too) but The concept is interesting and i think something that you can most definitely work with. The thing that threw so many people is the tense shift and it would really help if it started with a "voice" like a 3rd party narrator that came and went between the parts because it would really help to tie all of this together. also i am kinda wondering in what format you are going to release the thirty are you going to giver them as they vaguely relate to each other or in some kinda of chronological order? I ask because the info dump you did could just be an on going thing that you thrown in to the letters as it goes kinda like clues to your world. But on a whole i really like the pirate broadcast thing as a device it opens open a way to express opinions in the piece without compromising the story arc.
  





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Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:09 pm
blacktiger3915 says...



They all took the words right out of my mouth. Serious editing is needed. I was so bad that I can't tell if the story was good or not. I know that with more practice you will be a great writer! :)
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf.
  





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Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:17 pm
Commando588 says...



Ok! Well, lets start witht he dates. I know it might sound confusing, but maybe if i explained myself a little you guys could help some more to make it clear to the scanner.

So if you take a look you will see that the first paragraph was a brodcast. Under the transmission you will see that message was sent in 2009. The story then turns into the perspective of the first note taker. This is sort of a prologe. The first note taker is talking about the transmission that happened some time after the message was sent.

Then things start to get confusing. The last part was less of the story and more of what i want you guys to here to keep your attention. The last part actully is when all thirty notes are found by some form of government in the year 2023. The notes have been taken and the writers are suposidly dead. Except one.
You can only be Lost in one place for so long. After awhile you just call it home.

I could say a thousand words and break your heart. Or I could never say one, and break it just the same.
------------
  





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Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:17 pm
KJ says...



One hope. One way to cope.

Didn't like how this rhymed.

Overall, I had no idea what was going on. I know you just explained, but you shouldn't have to explain to the reader. The reader should be able to gradually understand from the writing.

I honestly don't know how I felt about this. I didn't hate it, but I didn't like it either.
  








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