Young Writers Society

That night I lay asleep in my room, waiting. I didn’t like the way I felt right now. I couldn’t really tell what was different about his night. I just felt different. Like a new feeling had entered the community. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a good feeling. Like many nights before I lay on my soft bed and day dreamed about the days activities. But something stopped me. This night was different, new to us all.
I stared at my ceiling, wishing I were by the river, walking along its pristine waters.

I shuddered. I had never felt such an emotion. I was uncomfortable. Miserably even! I got out of bed quickly and walked hurriedly to my room’s door. Exiting, I looked down the hallway. My ears were met with complete silence. I resumed breathing.
“Parents asleep, I’m good to go!”

My footsteps were quiet as I stepped lightly down the smoothly paved walkways. I was headed directly for the river, not knowing why I was traveling in the direction I was going. Normally I would take the main route and the only reason I did so was because my small school was along that route. But tonight I decided to spice things up a little. After all, school was again tomorrow. As I traveled I realized something for the first time. This was the first time I had been out of my dwelling at night. It was completely against the rules to leave ones dwelling at night. But the most significant thing about the whole adventure was the feelings I experienced while doing it. I wasn’t sure how to place it. The best I could come up with was Fun.

The night grew on as I walked by the cool, calm waters of our community’s small river. Everything was perfect, but I know soon that the bright sun would be peaking its head over the horizon. I turned to go, but something came to my attention. I couldn’t tell what it was at first, but after a moment it became very bright. It was far way, many miles to the north. I could tell it was coming from a distant community, but I could not tell what distant land the light came from. As a stood and stared I began to worry. It seemed to completely consume the entire horizon.

I stood there until I heard a familiar sound, that of a distant airplane. With this new revelation of sound I could begin to see that small airplanes dotted the horizon above the bright lights. I had very little information about the bright lights, but I know the presence of airplanes over a community was strictly off limits. I ran. I didn’t look back. And had I, I would have seen that the airplanes were consumed by the light. And if I had known more, like I do now, I would have known that the lights in the distance were fire.

This was kind of dull. There were a lot of grammar mistakes. And the fact that he actually said something out loud when he was sneaking out is unrealistic. I liked the last two paragraphs. But you might want to work on your hook. Oh, and is there any particular reason why this kid is running away?

Need more to develop plot and character.

You repeated many times the word feel (in any verb tense: felt, feeling, ect...).
Try other word.

Ok, I am not sure if I am rigth, but remember, ACTIVE setence, no passive.

Look:

The night grew on as I walked by the cool, calm waters of our community’s small river.

Yeah, you should to work in your beginning paragraoh since it no hook me.

Hmm.... in some respects, I thought it was interesting but the plot and character are a little hazy. The reader knows absolutely nothing about the character so we can't really relate.

If you haven't already, sort out what is actually happening and write it with more character development and depth.

However, I did like the first paragraph, the way he/she was thinking about the day and stuff.

Well, I'm not going to lie, this needs some work.

First thing, in the first paragraphy, who's we?

You had some grammer and puncuation mistakes.

Some more detial and description on the plot, setting, and characters will really top it off.

Don't give up, it'll be great with a few retouches!(: (:

Just a tip, first person usually isn't used in this sort of genre of English well. Maybe a diary or something would be a different thing but this doesn't work.
- i like the thought process of all this forbidden stuff, kinda reminds me like farenheit 451, REMOTELY.
I also think you need to develop you character, as of now he/she is just I. Only if you want he/she to start naming details of herself, your kinda screwed. One good thing though i like the sentence about the stream, good details.

I just felt different. Like a new feeling had entered the community

WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN! Community? idk work it out. and i agree with the others, this needs a lot of work.

I have to agree that this needs a lot of work.

The reader really knows nothing about the character: why they are running away, if it is a guy or a girl, what they are waiting for (actually, is that one to run away?).. Lots of unknowns. Therefore, there is very little connection to the character by the reader, so we really don't care about the fire or whatever it is that is getting the planes. What is that, anyway?

*is confused*

Some description would not be amiss (what the house sounds like at night to a person who is trying to sneak out, how the air smells outside).

This can be good. It just needs some work.

Good luck with it!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

I think you need to focus on the character a bit more. Also, "Miserably even" I think you meant MiserablE.

I am now going to look at part 2...

~SishBee~
x

As I read this, it gave me a sense of suspense. That's a good trait that every story must have...(in some way). I also would like to congradulate you on how you focused on every move you made instead of jumping to the end and telling us what's about to happen. Great peice of work.

Hey

Overall I think this is an average story. But the way it's been written seems to show me you have something worthwhile to write- you just can't get it out the way you want to... I can 100% relate

The second sentence hit me and I had trouble reading everything from thereon.

1st sentence

That night I lay asleep in my room, waiting.

lay is past tense.

But you follow on and say

I didn’t like the way I felt right now

Yes, your verbs are correct in this sentence but the adverb is wrong. Very wrong.
It would be more accurate and flowing if your sentence looked a bit like this

I didn’t like the way I felt just then

At a quick glance, the whole first paragraph feels wrong. It feels dead, lifeless. There are no vivid words describing actions or thoughts, only plain English words stumbling over themselves.

That night I lay asleep in my room, waiting.

(sorry bout the first sentence again, it's in the right place for a crit )

He was asleep...wasn't he? Alseep, waiting? This just didn't make sense to me.

tell what was different about [s]his[/s] this night. I just felt different

Different? What a writer's cop-out! Sorry, but there's a whole language out there and you use different? The dullness and lack of originality seems to be emphasised as this is the second time you've used the word in a space of two short sentences running into each other.

Also, you describe the night as being different, and follow on with 'I just felt different'...You've even changed the subject and destroyed any relation the two differents may have had.

Check out an online thesauras

Your story screws my eyes. It's jaggedy even.
There are so many sentence skeletons.

For instance:

I | shuddered.

I | was \ uncomfortable

I | resumed | breathing.

And they are all in the same paragragh. That's ok to an extent, but it portrays a shallow, almost immature, disposition of the writer and is uncomfortable for the reader's eyes.

“Parents asleep, I’m good to go!”

I don't like this bit. You say 'parents'? Sounds very sterile and emotionless to me. We all know what parents entail..perhaps you could skip this 'parent' step and get on with that. Something descriptive, picture-building, emotion-building, and maybe you could even go for thought-provoking. There is so much you can put subconsciously under the mat of your words, and you'd be amazed how much this contributes to an entire story.
Authors don't sit down and say, 'Right, I want this exact emotion here in this sentence, and this one here, and so on.' They will have an idea of what they want to create , yes, but they work freely with it and I think they may even let themselves feel something of what their characters are feeling- I know I do alot of the time.
All I'm trying to say is, make you story alive and realistic...not empty and fake.

And had I, I would have seen that the airplanes were consumed by the light.

I like this Gives me a good picture to relate with.

The last paragragh is my favourite- perhaps you had warmed up a bit by then


Work on longer, better flowing sentences and be careful about using the same dull word over and over again. Variety is very important.

Hope I could be of some help

Keep writing so I can see you rip through you imagination with more force lol.

Peace V

I must admit, I was extremely bored by this story. But, to be honest, I would not say that it was the actual story-line that was boring me, only the dry/dull writing. Which is good, because that means you can go over it and make it interesting simply by substituting new words and constructing more vivid and meaningful paragraphs/sentences.

I like the fact that the character does not recognize fire when they see it, it makes for a good question for the reader to ask. Why would he/she not recognize fire? What kind of life would cause someone not recognize fire? I like that question.

Just focus on visualizing what the character is seeing, it will help you think of better descriptions.

The story is good, work on the writing....^_^