Young Writers Society

Sometimes I come dangerously close to understanding myself.

When I think about things, or when I press my face against the cold glass of the bus window, the more I realise that the human mind might just be the greatest masterpeice ever to have been considered.

Take for example, me. It's a royal peice of abstract art. On the surface, there's the everyday worries, like hunger and distress, fatigue and the residue of childhood dreams, stewing up a bitter brew.

Below that stagnant pool of water and under the manic ripples, insanity swims amongst charming company. Love. Love that I'm not sure of, love that I want, and the love that I never asked for.

And then there's dissapointment, which leads to questions that bounce around with no hollow echoes that reply. This builds up energy, passion and anger.

But then there's the stuff that scares me. Four things spell out what's engrained so deeply in me, i know I'll never change.

Home.Atonement.Time.Empathy.

Four things I threw away. What's left?

Hate.

The person who strolls around my self conscious when I'm not there looks after all this, like the lapping of the tide when the fisherman's asleep.

It's a mess. But it's what's lurking behind these criminal eyes, and it's the card I was dealt with.

So there you are Mr. Pyschologist, with your leather shoes and trimmed, hard fingernails.

That's the thoughts of a psycopath.

Odd? Yes.
Is it bad? No way!!
This was very intriguing. I guess that's the right word.
What I really liked was the stucture and word choice. Also, your intro really hooked me. I loved that first sentence.

The person who strolls around my self conscious when I'm not there looks after all this, like the lapping of the tide when the fisherman's asleep.

Similie! I *heart* similies! Especially one like this.

But, I felt your character was just... empty. Yes, you described thier mental state, but I felt something was missing. I really didn't get a feel of who they were, other than what you pointed out.

I think you should extend this. I really need more. I feel deprived.
Shall I look for more?

This is really good! It's interesting how you display the thoughts, and your choice of words is very good. Just one comment:

These four words:

Home.Atonement.Time.Empathy.

Space them out like this:

Home. Atonement. Time. Empathy.

Otherwise it doesn't read.. comfortably, if you get what I mean.

It's really interesting, keep writing !!!

Xxx Do

Sometimes I come dangerously close to understanding myself.

good start here

When I think about things, or when I press my face against the cold glass of the bus window, the more I realise that the human mind might just be the greatest masterpeice ever to have been considered.

Take my mind for example, [s]me[/s]. It's a royal peice of abstract art. On the surface, there's the everyday worries, like hunger and distress, fatigue and the residue of childhood dreams, stewing up a bitter brew.

Below that stagnant pool of water and under the manic ripples, insanity swims amongst charming company. Love. Love that I'm not sure of, love that I want, and the love that I never asked for.

I'm not sold on the imagry of a calm murky pool with a rushing river under it, although I understand where you're coming from

And then there's dissapointment, which leads to questions that bounce around with no hollow echoes that reply. This builds up energy, passion and anger.

I think that there is so much more in your mind that just love and dissapointment, and the reader needs a glimpse of it.

But then there's the stuff that scares me. Four things spell out what's engrained so deeply in me, i know I'll never change.

Home.Atonement.Time.Empathy.

Four things I threw away. What's left?

Why were they thrown away? The juxtaposition of these four emotions isn't clear either.

Hate.

The person who strolls around my self conscious when I'm not there looks after all this, like the lapping of the tide when the [s]fisherman's[/s]fisherman is asleep. (in that case fisherman and is cannot be combined. simple gramatical error.

[s]It's a mess.[/s](It's a mess just doesn't sound right) But it's what's lurking behind these criminal eyes, and it's the card I was dealt with.

I'm not really getting what you are trying to say in this last paragraph

So there you are Mr. Pyschologist, with your leather shoes and trimmed, hard fingernails.

great sentence!

[s]That's[/s]These are the thoughts of a psycopath.

I think you can end it with a stronger statement that this.


Overall, I really really like this piece - but 'liking' it doesn't necessarily mean anything most of the time. I understand the premise, the spinning thoughts, the eclectic mind (this is found not only in psycopaths, but in regular intellegent people as well - unless 15 years down the road I discover that I am a psycopath...then your assumption would be spot on. Anyway, this can use some editing, but just look through and fix the blocks in flow (you have minimal grammer errors.) good job and kudos

A little odd reading two sentences per space.
You shouldnt space it out like this


It seems more like a poem

Rather than a story.

Still prety cool tho

Very good short story. I like your decription and how you express your feelings. Job well done! You have talent growing!

Not bad.

One thing though. Is it some sick, scary moment to find excitement from by the readers or is it typically a one time interview with some psychopath?

I'm not sure it's as convincing as it should be. Accentuate the baleful touch of isolation [whatever emptiness the psycho is feeling], makes sure it even captures your attention. And that attention shouldn't last til the end of the story. It should hook the readers for hours.

Just that but good attempt. Hope to see more of your works. You got it going in you.

<3 JACE