z

Young Writers Society


Slippery when Wet



User avatar
129 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 129
Mon May 16, 2005 10:05 pm
Mattie says...



1
Terri stepped out of the house and locked the door quietly. She turned around hastily, and saw two green eyes looking at her.
“Shit.” she cursed silently.
“You don’t sneak up on people like that,” she stopped, “asshole.”
The figure smiled.
“I wasn’t sneaking, I was coming to get you.”
He stepped forward and bent down, placing a solid kiss on her lips. His black hair that went down to his ears often got in the way of his eyes. He pushed it out, and looked at her. Terri, seeing him looking at her like that looked at herself too in the window by her front door. Two almond shade eyes looked back. Tousled brown hair, full pink lips with a dash of mango shade number three, tan skin that often confused people thinking that she was Puerto Rican.
He laughed, “Got something in your nose, Terri?”
“Brian…” she sighed. “You know we can’t keep doing this.”
She pushed him out of the way and hurried to the front lawn. He quickly followed.
“Sure. It’s for the hell of it, right? Old time sakes?”
He smiled again draping his arm around her shoulders.
“I suppose,” she pushed his arm off. “Just not in front of the guys, okay?”
“Sure. Whatever you say Terri.” He sounded disappointed. Most girls liked to show off their boyfriends, she only wanted to hide hers. Well if you can call him that. She followed behind him as he swaggered down the sidewalk, obviously pissed. He always walked funny when he was mad…or drunk. She laughed quietly. He suddenly perked up and turned to give her a cocky smile.
“Uh-hum. That was not an invitation to charge.” He gave her a wink and pucker of his lips then turned walking further down the sidewalk.
“Jeez…where did they park? Tokyo?” she asked searching for the aqua colored Volkswagen van from the 70s in the darkness. The joke obviously didn’t blow over too well, she thought seeing Brian still walking. He would laugh if he weren’t so pissed off at her warning. He seemed to always be getting mad, mostly when she steered clear of him around friends, or gave a flat out no to his efforts to bring them closer. Tonight though, was an acceptation, seeing as it was the end of school for him until he had to leave for college in the spring on a football scholarship. He also had invited her and she didn’t want to leave him to go off to college with a bad start. She still had one more year to go, and then she planned to attend Indiana University in the fall of 2005. She didn’t always refuse Brian’s offers, but when he acted like a jerk, it was hard not to.
  





User avatar
137 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 137
Wed May 18, 2005 4:35 pm
DarkerSarah says...



I liked your revision. It wasn't much different, but it flows better and it's less intimidating to read because you only included the first part.

Tonight though, was an acceptation, seeing as it was the end of...


It should be "exception" not "acceptation."

Good job! Hopefully you will post the second part up soon!

-Sarah
"And I am a writer
writer of fiction
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones...
Let me go if you don't love me" ~The Decembrists "Engine Driver"
  





User avatar
221 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 221
Thu May 19, 2005 7:01 pm
Kay Kay says...



I remember when you posted it on RK and really enjoyed it then and still do. The only mistake that I found was the same one that DarkSarah found. Good job! Keep up the good work I can't wait to read more.
Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.
--La Rochedoucauld

"An unexamined life is not worth living..."
---Socraties
  





User avatar
37 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 37
Mon Jun 13, 2005 3:15 am
Kylie J says...



I agree, this was well-written. The one thing I would change:
she asked searching for the aqua colored Volkswagen van from the 70s in the darkness.

It sounds like you're trying to use every way possible to describe the car. I'd drop "from the 70s" to give it an easier feel.
PHS marching band kicks butt!
sequential, lieutenant gay man, dr. beat, nickate, jessie, joshie, and xena
if you understand who these nicknames refer to
i pity you
  








*Sad football bagpipes*
— DougalOfBiscuits