Young Writers Society

Execution: Executed

Dalen dared to look up at the special crowd that gathered in the courtyard. This wasn't a public sentence, no, he got the good one. The guillotine's silver blade glimmered, skillfully crafted for optimum efficiancy.

His hair was long now, a shy, novice beard creeping at the sides of his face. Despite the mud that coated his cheeks, circles at the bridge of his nose, his dark eyes still beamed with the same potency as any man ever called himself free.

One year ago he was taken into the prisons, where he waited out his time. He always swore that he would find a way out - wholeheartedly that he would live, that they would never get the better of him. But now, now it was safe to say things where looking pretty grim.

Judge Frodo Mortus looked down his egg-shaped nose with a pout of vicious delight, savouring the moment that he got to look into his victims eyes. All except for this one, he was different. This one did not beg, nor cry or even look away. He would though, the blade would make sure of that.

He smirked and raised his hand.

Dalen took a deep breath and glanced to the hooded executioner at his side, who nodded to Frodo. The rope was released, the blade came crashing down.

Dalen was jerked backwards by a large fist that grabbed the back of his neck - head still in tact, thankfully.

'Get up an run you idiot!' The executioner scowled, snapping the rope that bound his hands and kicking him towads a faceless peasant wearing an brown cape. A brown cape; the originality of these peasants still astounded him.

The moment they came into contact the stranger grabbed him in one arm, a falling rope in the other, and they soared into the air.

When the large bag of powder on the other end hit the ground, a puff of white powder swallowed the execution stand.

They ran across the wall that separated the northern and southern districts for no more than a few seconds before he realised the extent of the damage his body had taken. His mind told him, willed him to move forward, whilst his legs followed the instruction. Bashing against the wall he tripped lower and lower until collapsing to a crawl.

'Bloody hell mate.'

His vision faded to zilch and a static-like silence enveloped him.

Yeh, you too, mate.

---

This is the opening to a story I'm working on, though I probably won't post any more for a long time. I'm mainly wondering what people thing of it as the opening to a novel, does it catch your attention? What do you think of Dalen? Or should I rethink the whole thing?

hmmm... your writing style can be 'bouncy' at times but you get your point across. This story really caught my attention you did good on that part! But you went into alot of detail were you didnt need it and not enough were you did. You had just a few mistakes but nothing that isnt easily fixable! Great start I can see that it, and you have amazing potential!

No No. No need to re-think the whole thing. I think this is an amazing start to a novel. Very exciting and thrilling. The descriptions were great, though I would like to know more about Dalen. You described his appearance very well but I felt I wanted to know more about his personality. And remember 'show' us, don't 'tell' us.

All except for this one, he was different. This one did not beg, nor cry or even [s]4[/s]look away.

I especially liked this sentence for this is one sentence that gave me a lot on Dalen's personality.

As for the '4' right before 'look'. I think that was a typo...???

So yes definitely continue with this. And if you post more on this story, let me know. I'd like to read it.

It's a great start, you should definitely continue.

The part where he said/thought? "Newbs what took you so long", I thought you were insulting me. Honestly. That part was a little fuzzy about what happened. I got the feeling that his head rolled off, and then he got up and ran away.

I was hooked and throughout the whole thing was wondering why's he in prison, is he going to get away, what's next, etc. You really made me instantly connect with the character.

Dalen seems like a strong person, but he has his faults and that makes him relatable. (One, he was in prison, Two, he couldn't escape.) He's not your average I-can-escape-from-anything Robin Hood hero. Very nice.

I especially liked the Judge being named Mortus. I love when people use allusions that I can understand (hard to understand allusions are good to, but it's nice to let people know what's going on sometimes!). I think that in the few short sentences, you defined the Judge very well.

Good job, and keep it up. Sorry that I don't have a lot of criticism, I know how that makes people feel but really, I can't find much to complain about.

Hey there, Tag!

1.) Does it catch your attention?

To an extent. There's a possibility that I would have enjoyed this more, had the writing been more clear and succinct. What you gave us was a bogged down soup of words and indistinct images. I also think that your premise for this opening scene is somewhat cliche. An execution escape is not necessarily the best place to start your novel. Sure, you hit us with action first (which was a smart move), but this idea has been used so many times.

2.) What do you think of Dalen?

He's kind of boring. There's nothing particularly special about his personality. It's not as if you've given us much information about him or thrown any internal dialogue (or external, for that matter) around for us to gnaw on. Right now, he's just a face. A well-described face, if I may say so, however.

3.) Or should I rethink the whole thing?

Possibly. You should definately rewrite it. It's extremely difficult to read. You have some good descriptions and a great vocabulary, but the way you wrote it is incredibly confusing.

This wasn't a public sentence, no, he got the good one.

What? What does this mean? "He got the good one."? What the heck is a good one? Please, try to be more descriptive and/or leave this sentence out.

Despite the mud that coated his cheeks, dark circles at the bridge of his nose, broken and torn apart as he appeared, his dark eyes still beamed with the same potency as any man ever called himself free.

Here you have some extraneous/ nonsensical details here. Consider this: "Despite the mud that coated his cheeks, dark circles at the bridge of his nose, his dark eyes still beamed with the same potency as any man who ever called himself free." Better, ja?

One year ago he was taken into the prisons, where he waited out his time. He always swore that he would find a way out - wholeheartedly that he would live, that they would never get the better of him. [s]But now, now it was safe to say things where looking pretty grim.[/s]

Ack. Backstory. Backstory kills, especially in an action oriented scene. I would save this particular tidbit for a little later in the story.

[s]egg-shaped[/s] nose with a pout of vicious delight

This description kind of caricaturized the judged. Made him into a cartoon character. Cut 'egg-shaped' and get rid of the 'pout'.

All except for this one, he was different.

Structural problems. "All except for this one. He was different."

Newbs, what took so long?

This line is seriously out of place, considering your time period. Now, if Dalen is actually a modern character transported into a midevil world, than I'm okay with this. But otherwise, cut it fast.

'Get up an run you idiot!' The executioner scowled, snapping the rope that bound his hands and kicking him towads a faceless peasant wearing an brown cape. A brown cape; the originality of these peasants still astounded him.

Wait. Is the executioner talking? If so, make that more clear. Also, find a different way to describe the peasant's wardrobe. I'm really not liking your edgy, sarcastic narration.

Anyway. Keep working. Keep writing.

Over and out.

-Kylan

I loved it! I really enjoy reading books that take place around this time period. It reminds me of a bunch of other books I've read though it has a strange originality to it. Really marvelous job. I like the character Dalen and although he was sentenced to death he seems like a nice enough person. overall I think this would make a great opening; catchy, actiony, and very well written. If I picked up a book that started with this, I would buy that sucker within seconds of finishing!

This is very good, but you could describe the characters more. Also, try to make up your own names and characters because Frodo made me think of LotR. Some of the stuff is confusing and thus not very realistic. We know the prisoner was being exceuted, but is it a 1,000 steps from the ground--or maybe 10? Good storyline, needs more clarification, a deeper dig and a bit of polishing.

Tag! My first advice is to give this piece a quick run through for grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Small things like:

...skillfully crafted for optimum efficiancy.

With a misspelled "efficiency," and:

...back of his neck - head still in tact...

With an incorrectly separated "intact" are an easy catch for a spell check or even with a simple run through reading aloud.

Your style is very accessible; I like that. You perhaps overuse adjectives, though that is mostly a subjective opinion.

As for your questions:

...does it catch your attention?

It does. Death and narrow escapes are usually good attention grabbers.

What do you think of Dalen?

To be honest, there is not enough of a character here to leave an impression.

Or should I rethink the whole thing?

Go with your instincts. This is only a beginning.