z

Young Writers Society


Powers ::1::



User avatar
83 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1090
Reviews: 83
Wed Jun 04, 2008 10:06 pm
Raimunda says...



A tall man was walking down the street, his steps the only sound in the darkness around him. He was walking quickly, with long strides and sharp taps, caused by the heels of his expensive shoes. The dim street lights flickered over head, casting an artificial orange light over the pavement. The sky above him was cloudy and moonless, and a light drizzle was falling; the kind of halfhearted rain that falls in such a way that it seems like it wanted to do the job properly, but couldn't quite be bothered.

He stopped in front of a three story, red bricked terraced house, and checked the number on the front door. He looked around, and, seeing that there was no-one peeking out of their windows at him, he ascended the steps and stood outside the door.

There was a large white doorbell, but the man did not press it. Instead, he pulled out a mobile phone from his coat pocket and tapped in a few keys. There was a near silent buzz as the phone connected, then one dialling tone before someone picked up at the other end.

The tall man spoke at once.

"Farwell, open up, I'm here. Yes, I got it. No, no I don't think so," on this last sentence the tall man looked around him again, as though he thought someone was following him. "No, there isn't. Now just open the door, I didn't come to freeze to death."

He hung up, and replaced the mobile into his pocket.

A few moments later, a yellow light flicked on behind the translucent door, and the next second, a bolt was withdrawn and the door was opened.

"Peters," A small, chubby man was standing in the doorway, wearing a pair of brown courderoy trousers and a white shirt. He squinted at Peters with his small, watery eyes. He had blonde, curly hair and thin lips, and looked rather like a fat fish.

Peters nodded and Farwell stood back to let him in. The door was shut, and the patter of the tiny raindrops outside were cut out.

The hallway cast light on Peters' long face, with its small brown goatee and large grey eyes. His hair was brown and wet, and he had thick, dark eyebrows.

They were stood in a small dark hallway, about a metre wide, with doors all the way along the right hand side wall, and a staircase at the end. Peters looked around, and unbuttoned his coat.

"This way," Farwell said, hobbling down the hallway. Through a gap between his trousers and his socks, Peter could see a metal leg. He frowned, but said nothing, and followed.

Farwell led him into a kitchen, as dark as the hallway and spotlessly clean. Peters sat down on one of the wooden chairs which surrounded the table, and Farwell sat opposite.

"Well?" Farwell raised an eyebrow. Peters didn't respond straight away, but removed his coat onto the back of his chair. Then he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a big white envelope with the number '6' written on it in red ink. Farwell's face displayed great excitement.

"It took me a long time to find this, Farwell. I hope my work is appreciated."

"Much so." Farwells eyes were glinting. "Dammit, Peters, open the darn thing!"

Peters held the envelope and slit it with long, thin fingers. It opened, and he removed the contents and laid it on the table.

Farwell looked at it and sighed. His eyes roamed over the letters and data sheets, and finally rested on a small laminated colour photograph. He picked it up.

"This is it?"
Peters nodded.
"That's it."


***
Amy McHugh awoke with a gasp, from the dream in which two men had been studying a photograph of her.
Last edited by Raimunda on Mon Jun 09, 2008 12:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I just hit my computer
Because it was being slow
I need my daily Smallville fix
And it will not load the video.
  





User avatar
60 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 60
Thu Jun 05, 2008 2:06 am
GML says...



A small, chubby man was standing in the doorway, wearing a pair of brown courderoy trousers and a white shirt. He squinted at Peters with his small, watery eyes. He had blonde, curly hair and thin lips, and looked rather like a fat fish.

Unnecessary information. If you really think this is important to the character, spread out the descriptors. But I really doubt it's significant to the plot.

The hallway cast light on Peters' long face, with its small brown goatee and large grey eyes. His hair was brown and wet, and he had thick, dark eyebrows.

Same thing here. I know the two men are supposed to contrast, so maybe you could make the comments about the tall, skinny man and the short, fat one, but other than that--none of this matters.

Amy McHugh awoke with a gasp, from the dream in which two men had been studying a photograph of her.

This sentence needs to be rewritten.


Alright. I could quote a lot of things from this story and critique it more, but I'll just say this: your main problem (to me) is telling instead of showing. I'm sure a lot of other writers on this site could talk about this more thoroughly, but I'll give you one example...
Farwell's face displayed great excitement.

You are telling us the emotion Farwell has. Instead, try showing excitement through description. Ex: Farwell's pupils seemed to quiver in anticipation and rose splotched his cheeks. (Sorry, it's late.) But this is much more showing, and I'm sure you'll agree if this is used throughout the writing it's more interesting and capturing to read. You really need to do a rewrite using this technique. There are some instances where you do need to tell, true. But the majoirity of the time should be showing.

A suggestion--chop off the first three or so paragraphs and begin the tale with the first line of dialogue. You should never start out a story with weather (you had some before this, but still...) and I think you can add any details you think necessary after Peters is already talking on his phone.

I hope this story is to be continued...otherwise you've ended it in a dreadful cliche--"And it was all a dream..." I'm sure you've read other stories where this technique is used. And it's a no-no.

I do like the concept of the photo of the girl in the envelope. It makes one immensely curious...
"Jump off cliffs and build your wings on the way down." --Ray Bradbury
  





User avatar
40 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1072
Reviews: 40
Thu Jun 05, 2008 3:39 am
Iya Ythmir says...



The nitpicking has been done by GML so I won't bother repeating it. :D

The concept of the story is nice and exciting, especially with the ending. Though, unlike GML, I'd say you if you really want it to have that kind of ending, then stick with it. Cliche or not, it could be done in a new way. Try rewriting it for it to have a new look and feel - something fresh. You know you're better than this and can go beyond a simple sentence that tells the reader about the girl. You can do it. :wink:

Best of luck.
Always act like a duck on water; appear calm and unruffled, but paddle like the devil underneath.
  





User avatar
15 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1045
Reviews: 15
Tue Jun 10, 2008 12:20 am
3-Damentional says...



The only advise I can give you is to cut down on the unnecessary details and do more to advance the plot. I like the ambiance and mood of the piece.
The imagintion is only your mind trying to set itself free.
  





User avatar
53 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3594
Reviews: 53
Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:06 am
Deifyance says...



Well, i don't know what all the others are thinking. (no offence intended) I personally liked the extra detail, it gave it character. I imagined it as in a movie, all the detail involved helped me create a perfect landscape and characters by which you were narrating. Awesome job. Looking foreward to the others. :D
Check out my current Series: Changing Legacy

Chapter 1
Changing Legacy: Chapter 1 - Disheartening

Chapter 2
Changing Legacy: Chapter 2 - Ambushed
  








To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.
— Proverbs 18:13