Young Writers Society

His footsteps were light and quick as he crossed over on to the virgin snow that spread widely over tarnished grass. Run. Run. Run. His heart thrummed loudly, beating at a wild rhythm not even he could understand. The blood had drained from him and given him the eerie look of a phantom sprinting through the moonlit valley.
He still remembered when he did not have to run. It had been long ago when the world was in dull state of slumber. Back then no one worried about monsters and lived off of the pleasure they surrounded themselves in. Wise men warned that the day would come. They warned that the world will fall to the vile nature of man and that beasts would rise through their horrid works. Only few had listened, allowing the world to set itself up for its own downfall. Within years the cruelty of power caressed the nations and crushed them with an iron claw.
Wars raged, blood was shed, and monsters were created to aid sides. At first the beasts were tame and followed whatever orders were given to them. But they were intelligent and they soon learned how to think properly on their own. They began to wonder why the humans were not serving them and obeying their commands. They came together and turned against the humans, leading to the situation he now faced.
The snow crunched and his feet fell deep with each step. He was no longer able to keep at the highest gait but at a slow walk. His eyes widened at the inability to move with speed. What would he do? How would he survive? Lately, the escapist's biggest trick was running from the monsters that longed to see his blood spilt over the fresh new snow. He had caused trouble for them and now he must pay for those troubles.
His breath became frozen in his throat as the screech if wind-riders echoed in his ears. His dark eyes caught sight of the long strand of white smoke that the jets left behind. Even at night the streaks could be made out. He cupped his thin hands over his ears and tried to regain his former pace.

Hello! Welcome to YWS! I am Jabber, and I will be your critic for the next however long it will take!

My first act for today is reference to the lovely article created by our dear administrator, Nate, entitled Rules -- MUST READ, stating the lovely Eleven Commandments of the YWS Literary Forums. The Fourth Commandment states, "Thou shallt not post thy work until thou hast reviewed two other works."

The second act of the day is a suggestion. Creating polls for your story is not highly recommended. In fact, a good number of members ignore the polls. You can write the question at the end of your entry and get more results than the polls. It's a little strange, I know, but that's the gist of things here.

My third act (The one you've all been waiting for!) is the critique! Dun, dun, duuun!

Grammar and First Impressions

His footsteps were light and quick as he crossed over [s]on to[/s] onto the virgin snow that spread widely over the [?] tarnished grass.

I guess the article is optional, but I'd recommend it. It sounds smoother with it in there.

His heart thrummed loudly, beating at a wild rhythm not even he could understand.

A rhythm he couldn't understand? That doesn't make sense to me. Can you understand a rhythm? Well, I guess you could... It still sounds awkward here, though. I'd replace that bit with something else with maybe an action like ...beating a wild rhythm that echoed in his ears or something like it.

The blood had drained from him and given him the eerie look of a phantom sprinting through the moonlit valley.

The verbs on either side of the and are not the same, which makes this sentence clunky as it is. In fact, I would just take out the and given and insert a [comma] giving.

It had been long ago when the world was in a dull state of slumber.

I hope you don't have anything against articles.

Back then, no one worried about monsters and lived off of the pleasure they surrounded themselves in.

Back then is aside information in this sentence and should be treated as such by inserting a comma around it. Since we do not put commas in the beginning of the sentence, we'll just put a comma after the phrase.

Same here:

Within years, the cruelty of power caressed the nations and crushed them with an iron claw.

But they were intelligent, and they soon learned how to think properly on their own.

Alrighty! In this sentence, you have used one of our awesome-possum FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So). To put a comma in front of the FANBOYS, there must be an independent clause on either side of it [basically a subject/verb on each side]. That is the instance here, so you get a comma.

The snow crunched, and his feet fell deep with each step.

Here's another FANBOYS instance like above. There are independent clauses on either side of the and, so the FANBOYS gets a comma.

He had caused trouble for them, and now he must pay for those troubles.

And another! ^^

His breath became frozen in his throat as the screech if wind-riders echoed in his ears.

A breath became frozen. That's clunky for me. The became is the culprit, I think. His breath froze works better for me.

If: On condition that; in case that
Of: Used to indicate source

Even at night, the streaks could be made out.

Hey-hey! You got a line-by-line out of me! That can either be because it was short enough to do so (which I think was the case) or you didn't have a lot of grammar mistakes at all (which could also be the case)! Good job on that part! ^^

Characters

You have one character, and I don't know him at very well at all. I know he's wandering around in the snow, though I still don't know why. I know he was wandering because of the animals but not the exact reason for him being out there.

Not much to say in this section. ^_^

Show Don't Tell

You'll see this a lot and not just on your work. It's the YWS phrase, I suppose. Here, you took about three paragraphs to tell me the animals are taking over the world. Is there an example that you could back yourself up with? I want to see the animals take over, or at least you can describe it a bit more. It was very info-dumpy.

Overall

There's not much else for me to say. It was very short, so there wasn't much to critique on. I look forward to seeing more of your work around the site, and I do hope you keep on writing! If you have any questions/comments/requests/complaints/etc., PM me anytime. I'd be more than happy to help!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey there,

Welcome to YWS !

I enjoyed reading your work, it's pretty good! At some points it gets confusing, but I'm sure you can solve this by using more detail and more atmposphere. So, keep writing and editing. Remember: no work is perfect at the first try, there's always editing to do! It was interesting, by the way, just to answer your poll.

I think mabye you should not put polls in future stories, rather ask the readers if they like it after you've posted the work. Write it under your story. Polls won't be answered by many people, and it is annoying to scroll down them. Luckily your poll was a Yes or No, rather than a Yes. No. Maybe. Kind of. No way. Definetly. etc, so scrolling wasn't that tiring XD

I hope my review helps you! Keep writing, and happy editing

PM me with anything!
XxxDo