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Tue Jun 10, 2008 9:28 pm
Raimunda says...



A.N what number am I on, 4? 6-3...This on is about Subject 3. Hip hip hooraah. Aah, this is an interesting one. But you have to read to the end to find out the power.




"For Lords sake, woman, where's my food?"

Charlotte and her mother exchanged glances as they picked up the plates and the saucepan. Charlotte smiled at her Father as they left the kitchen and entered the dining room, where he and Charlotte's younger brother David were sat, waiting.

Charlotte's mother laid the food on the table, and they all sat down. David grinned up at Charlotte, and stuck out his tongue.

"Now, who's saying Grace?" their Father asked, eyeing his children pointedly. Charlotte looked at David, who quickly spouted a prayer, and then their Mother ladled out mashed potatoes onto the dishes.

"Is this the third time we've had potatoes this week?" their Father asked, staring disappointedly at his plate.

"We used up all our meat tokens."

"Bloody rationing."

"Bloody war!" piped up David, and his Mother glared at him.

"David, what would God say?"

"Ah, leave him be, Laura," their Father said. "He's going to be a fine young man. Fight for our Queen, will you, boy?"

David nodded, spooning potato on his fork.

"I'd fight for the Queen," Charlotte said, staring out of the window in a distracted fashion. Her Mother and Father smiled.

"You could be a nurse, dear," her Mother said.

"That's not what I meant."

"Leave the fighting to the men, dear. We're much better suited to the house."

Charlotte forked some potato, and stared at it absently. "I know, Mother. I only really wanted to see what it was like. See the world and the war and everything."

"That's my girl," Charlotte's father said, smiling, and wolfing down his meal. "If you were a man, Charlotte, you'd be donning a Victoria Cross."

"If she were a man," David said thoughtfully, "she'd be called Charlie. Or Charles."

The entire family smiled. David started pretending to shoot his sister, and had to be asked again what God would say, to which he replied; "It's nicer in heaven, and there's meat."

***

The bomb siren went off as they were clearing up the meal, and David groaned as the stretched out 'Yaaawwwwn' of the alarm rang outside.

"Charlotte, David, gas masks," said their Father, who was already running to the cupboard to retrieve the pack of blankets and candles. Their mother collected coats from the kitchen, and they all rushed out of the front door, and into the melange of people rushing down the street.

It was cold and dark outside, and people with small torches or candle stubs were hurrying along, wrapped in blankets or clutching books and pillows. Babies could be heard crying in the arms of their mothers, and drunken old men were arguing as they ran along the pavement.

The town was a small one, but big enough to need a large shelter, and it was a few streets down from their house. Father chivvied them all along, and by the time the bomb shelter came into view, there was already an assembled mass outside it, with wardens shouting at them all, as people pushed through, wanting to get to a bench.

A distant 'boom' echoed through the air, and there was sudden silence; the townsfolk been called to shelter many times before, but mainly because London was being attacked, and they were considered close enough to be in danger. None of them had ever heared a bomb before.

Davids small, cold hand closed around Charlotte's, and she knew at once how scared he was. She squeezed it, and they pushed themselves through into the shelter, where they moved to the far corner. Their parents arrived after a few minutes, and sat beside them. Their Mother brought out the Bible and started reading to David.

Charlotte wondered if the bomb shelter would hold up if a bomb fell on them. She had a feeling it wouldn't, and she moved closer to her brother. She decided that if a bombing was imminent, she would lie on top of him, and use her own body as a shelter. Maybe, she pondered, we'd be better off just making huge holes in the ground and sitting there. Or we could live in the sea. Did they bomb the sea? She didn't know. She knew it was big. We'd probably be safe there, she thought.

There was a collective gasp in the shelter as another distant 'boom' sounded. Then there was another, and another, louder and louder. They're getting closer.

David clutched her hand again, and Charlotte felt her father's hand on her shoulder, and she was grateful. She knew she wasn't as strong as him. She wished she knew more than how to cook and clean. She wished she knew how to be so... in control, like her Father was. She felt useless in this situation. Trapped in a lesser body.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Charlotte's heart rate increased, as the bombs grew closer and closer. She could feel the tension in the silent shelter, and not even the cry of a baby disturbed the silence.

BANG

The shrill of woman's screams trilled around, as a huge blast rang around them. There was no doubt; it was close.

It was too close.

Charlotte began to shake. Be brave, she thought. Be brave, for David. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't stop the tears which were leaking out of her eyes. Fear tears.

"It's alright, Charlotte," her father whispered. "God is watching us."

But Charlotte needed more comfort than from someone who she couldn't see. She had never been so scared before, so terrified. She felt almost paralysed with horror.

BANG. BANG. BANG. BAN-

The noise cut out, and Charlotte was suddenly nowhere. She wondered if she had died, but then-

"GET OFF THE ROAD!"

She screamed, as shapes whizzed past her at dizzying speed, and she threw herself backwards as angry people in the shapes- the cars, she realised, although they looked so... unreal- yelled at her. She landed on cold stone, a pavement, an alien pavement, and people around her were pointing, and laughing, and wearing strange clothes...trousers on girls, boys in baggy materials and wearing such odd hats...

Charlotte scrambled up, and a sense of panic overwhelmed her.

Where am I?






A.N again. Um, they were in the first world war. Just so ya know.
Last edited by Raimunda on Wed Jun 11, 2008 5:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:30 pm
spiral*notebook says...



Wow. At first, with the whole potato and meat ration thing, I wasn't sure where you were going with it and I was like, ummm....but wow. That was really well done. I loved how real Charlotte's thoughts felt, and the way she and David talked to each other at the beginning was perfect because, again, it was really real and worked. Sorry, I'm not really good with words right now. :) I really really liked it! The only thing is at the very end I was kind of confused, I don't get what happens...maybe I just need to read more...so write more! ~Mechi
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Thu Jun 12, 2008 4:45 am
Jiggity says...



"For Lords sake woman, where's my food?"


That just sounds odd. Substitute 'Lords' with 'Gods'


where he and Charlotte's younger brother David were sat, waiting.


Charlotte's mother laid the food on the table, and they all sat down. David grinned up at Charlotte, and stuck out his tongue.


Comma splices - there are two here. Get rid of them. They are not needed before or after 'and'. There are heaps of there so make sure you go through the piece and fix things up.

The shrill of a woman's scream[s]s[/s] trilled around


Or: The shrill of women's screams trilled around. I believe the first is better.

'BANG' - is a big, huge no-no! Do not write out sounds. Describe them. It looks so very amateur when you do that.

There is a moment when you mention the screams of children, only to moments later silence them for the sake of dramatic tension. Be realistic. The babies would still be screaming and it would actually come off with more tension if you kept that up - the shrill cries of children and mothers as the steady, insitent bombing continued, getting closer and closer. Whereas, the way you've done it makes it very obvious what your intention was and thus robs the moment of its impact.

I was actually surprised by this. I thought it was, for your age, fairly well written. You've definetly got talent. And your dialogue is first class, apart from that very first hook-up. I thought you did very well with this.

Kudos.
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