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Lost in the forest



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Thu Jul 17, 2008 10:59 am
acosmist says...



It was certainly one of the worst days of his life. One of the worst.

It was a forest. A damned forest. Right in the middle of the cruel hand of nature, all those trees stealing all the air, all the light. And all those crawling things. Crawling across your body at night. Parasites all over. Under your skin. Eating you. Eating you alive. And things... things... stalking you at night. Watching. Waiting. Stalking. And when the trees cleared, you could see the vultures, circling above your head- Those dark figures against the soulless sky. Looking forward to that feast they'll have when you finally drop dead in this nightmare. Revt shivered, trying not to think about it.

'Too late,' he mumbled to himself, trudging through the dense wildlife.

Endless bark. Dark brown, rough. The stink of the leaves. His world enveloped in green. How many hours had it been? Days, maybe? Perhaps, an aeon had fluttered by.

No, this was certainly not the Women's Island. It would have been so much better if it were. Surrounded by beauties, who you could oogle at all day. And don't forget the fucking. The best par--

A sudden yelp escaped his mouth as his foot caught in a stray root, and the world spun around him as as he fell, face-first, into the mud.

'Arghhh!' He groaned, wiping the mud off his face with his sleeve, which was already torn, grimy, and soil as it was, then proceeded to curse. The mud just made his hygiene level even worse. He grimaced, trying to ignore how dirty he felt. He hadn't bathed ever since he got lost in this hell forest. Revt frowned, scratching his dirty blonde hair, a look of disgust on his face. Hours, days, or aeons? He got up to a kneeling position, smacking his itchy head, probably full of dandruff and dirt and god knows what else...

And then, something at the edge of his vision wriggled.

Images flickered into life. Slimy, wriggling, man eating worms, maggots in rotting corpses, centipedes, big and hairy, a millipede nest... He really didn't want to look... But no... Not knowing was worse...

Oh. Oh. OH SHIT, no, no, NO.... PLEASE NO....

He saw its legs.

Revt stifled a scream, scrambling back blindly with the agitation of a man in mortal danger, back pressed against a tree, cursing and swearing; desperate to get away from the monstrosity which crawled before him.

It was a millipede.

A bloody carnivorous millipede.

His eyes went wide with absolute terror, staring at the millipede, its tiny legs working furiously as it crawled past his boots. His heart hammered like a monster thrashing in its cage, threatening to simply urst. Would the thing crawl onto him? Climb up his arm, up his torso, eating into his skull..? Suck up his brain, eat the eyeballs, crawl out the nose, into the mouth, feast on the lifeless tongue--

But it crawled past, ignoring him as if he did not exist, its tiny head pointing somewhere else, someplace else, but not at him. For a moment, Revt was almost sure that it would suddenly turn back, and fly at him or something... But his fears were not assuaged, and it continued crawling over the fallen leaves, disappearing beneath them a few seconds later, unperturbed by his presence, uncaring...

Revt released a breath he did not realize he held, and his tense body relaxed, albeit covered in cold sweat. No harm done. Goddamn... What an ordeal... For a moment, he was frozen, picturing the way the millipede may have devoured him. Tunnels in his head, devouring his brain, his eyes, crawling out the ear, moving on to the stomach...

Revt cried in frustration, grabbing his head, shaking it violently until the images stopped flashing. Then, he started breathing in deep, thinking himself calm. Calm. He steadied himself, standing on his feet, walking away. I'm cool, I'm cool. No bugs in here, no more. And he focused on those few words as he trotted off, mouthing the words. No bugs. No harm. No bugs. No harm. No bugs. No--

His back started to itch. He groaned in annoyance, reaching up to scratch the offending spot... only to feel something. Hairy, and thick. Is it my hair? But it seemed to be moving slightly.

Moving...

A sudden shiver zipped down his spine. Pangs of terror. His heart accelerated again, as images flashed into his mind again. Of a giant, hairy thing, digging into his skull.

Oh. No. No. No. Not again. No. No.

His hands shook violently, as he reached back to the itching spot hesitantly, afraid of what he would find, his imagination putting fragments of nightmare images together, of giant, man eating spiders, feasting on dead bodies. His heart quickly gained speed, and he could feel the sweat dribbling down his face. Please let it be a stick. Please let it be a stick. Please let it be a stick.

He breathed in deep, and, with forced courage, brought the thing to his eyes.

It was...

A humongous spider.

Revt took a moment to register what the abomination which squirmed between his fingers were. And then he screamed and screamed, screamed like there was no tomorrow; his arm was spasming, his overdriven eyes following the creature as it jerked about wildly, dangling from his finger, its arms reaching out to him...Reaching out... And his brains... Reaching to eat it, to put it into its tiny mouth, laughing manically, spinning a tight cocoon about him as it prepared for hibernation, and when winter came it would crawl through his ear and eat his guts... Crunching sounds...

'GOD DAAAMMMNNN!' He screamed, shutting his eyes, loosing a wild cry of terror as he flung the spider away, still screaming after it, grabbing his head, falling onto his knees.

Away... It... Flies...

Away...

He was breathing heavily, looking down at his trembling hands, his mind reeling in shock. It had been simply a spider. A mere spider. And he had the Jesus scared out of him. His skin was sheathed in the cold sweat he only just noticed, and he felt both the heat of panic's wake, and the chill of raw terror.

A train of thought.

There were so many things in the forest. So many things. So many things he couldn't defend against. So many things you're scared of. Insects. The harshness of the environment. Starvation. Paranoia. Anxiety. Longing.

How could he possibly survive...?

That's because I can't...

And then, he was on the ground, curling up in a fetal position, his chest heaving as sobbing racked his body, his hair wet by his tears of self pity and regret, the memories of his family, his friends, and of the fear which engulfed him as the memories of his life played in his mind. So many wonderful things... So many... So...

Then, five words blazed in his head, incinerating all other thought, suffocating him, hammering at his chest... And he started screaming, screaming, and screaming...

I am going to die.


----


This piece has no inspiration behind it. And it's ridiculously short.

The first story I've posted on YWS, additionally. Or a mini-short... Well. Meh. :O
Last edited by acosmist on Sat Jul 19, 2008 10:07 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:29 pm
NotAllMyTrophiesRFromSftb says...



You are right that was quiet short but full of action and a little bit suspenseful. I couldn't stop reading and wandering what was going to next>good job
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Thu Jul 17, 2008 9:12 pm
mikedb1492 says...



I think this was really good. Your description were nice and I felt uncomfortable when you talked about the bugs crawling into them (Ever since I saw that bug pit scene in the new version of King Kong, those kind of things freak me out a bit). Well, all I've got left to say is that I thought the whole women's island and Sex stuff was a little random in the story. Other than that, though, good job.
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Fri Jul 18, 2008 12:36 am
Xena says...



this was pretty good for what it was.. but short? eh.. ridickuslosly short? noo.. a few grammitical errors here and there ... no biggies.. in fact im not even sure they are errors... but who knows.. you probably know what and where they are.. anyway.. the story was good.. the starting was good, good discriptions.. but it droned.. the first descriptions of the bugs was good.. but then it kept going and then thats all it was.. jsut more, oh no, no bugs, its a forest so many bugs, not saying there arnt any creepy bugs in the forest because i think we all know there is. theres, like you said spiders and theyre poisonous, not to mention snakes, fleas, ticks,.. now you see what im doing.. im rambling on. you had a good start, and when you said this was ridickously short, i was suprised.. what are you used to writing? anyway aloto f the stuff could be taken out,,, and alot of stuff could be added.. keeping it the same length, ridicously short as you mentioned.. and its not taht the droning on wasnt well described adn well written ii guess it was jsut repetitive and didnt contribute anything else to the story. hes in a forest, good, hes afriad of bugs, good, more bugs bugs bugs, hes got no hope.. maybe fill in the bugs with a little diff infomation.. you know what i mean jellybean
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Fri Jul 18, 2008 4:25 pm
Syte says...



and the world spun around him as [s]and[/s] he fell, face-first, into the mud.


'Arghhh!!!' He groaned, wiping the mud off his face with his sleeve, which was already torn, grimy, and soil as he was, then proceeded to curse.
I think you're overdoing it with the exclaimation marks. Just stick to one, please.

His heart hammered like a monster thrashing in its cage, threatening to simply burst.


Climb up his arm, up his torso, eating into his skull..? Suck up his brain, eat the eyeballs, crawl out the nose, into the mouth, feast on hislifeless tongue--



'GOD DAAAMMMNNN!!!!!'
Again, you're over using exclaimation marks.

Throughout the story, you use a lot of elipses. Using them some of the time is fine, but don't rely on them so heavily. For example:

No harm done. Goddamn... What an ordeal... That slimy thing... Crawling onto you... Burrowing into you.... And wriggle in your body, eating all your guts.... And... Eat your brains... And...
I thnk it would be easier for the reader to digest this information if you just used complete sentences.

I think the story was a bit overdone, but the scene would make a good introduction to a novel or a novelette. I don't think that this piece could really make it as a short story because doesn't really offer closure. It's like your just drop the reader in the middle of the action and close off from there. This is fine for an introduction, but not a complete short story.
  





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Sat Jul 19, 2008 10:05 am
acosmist says...



Syte: Thanks for the constructive criticism :D I edited out the mistakes you pointed out.

I put "short" in the title because it was short,not because it was a short story, just so you guys know x_x Pretty misleading, I understand... Sorry D:
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Sun Jul 20, 2008 1:39 am
Dreamworx95 says...



Wow, that was really graphic. One thing is for sure: you have my attention. This is a really gripping way to start a story. There are a lot of things that the reader might want to know, however. For example, what is this guy doing in the forest to begin with and how did he get there? What is the Women's Island? What happened to his family? But I suppose that's all coming later in the story (it better be!). I absolutely love it, but there's a lot of sentences that just run on and on, and you've made the point very clear with all the capital letters so you don't need to add so many exclamation points. It doesn't sound like a story to me, more like a preface. If you plan on writing another chapter I'd really recommend starting all the way from the beginning and working your way up to this scene, because I'm sure the readers are dying to know what the hell happened to this guy. That way, we'll be less confused and more satisfied. Another thing I've noticed is that you used a lot of ...'s. They're fine every once in a while but they get annoying when you see them every five minutes. Also, tone it down with the cussing a little bit.
  





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Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:32 pm
Kobain72 says...



Wow. Immediately I wanted to read the whole thing. I really liked how you built up tension through-out until those last five, shocking words. Gripping stuff. I think the few mistakes have been covered already by other people so I'll leave it at that. Amazing story
  





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Fri Aug 08, 2008 2:09 am
$luckylucas$ says...



Well written, but instead of having bug after bug after bug, mix it up alittle. He needs to overcome some obstacle for this to really classify as an adventure. Maybe you could have some other animal (like a bear or something) that attacks him.
You don't say where he is or what kind of forest he's in (mountain, rainforest, island?). That might help paint a picture. And also, how did he get to this place?
But the important thing is that you wrote it well, so with some touching up this could be a very good short story.
  





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Mon Aug 11, 2008 1:51 am
In_the_Moonlight says...



that was entertaining and suspenseful all at the same time. I can see you writing lots of suspenseful stories in the future.
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Mon Aug 11, 2008 10:40 am
Palip says...



Yes, it is quite a good story, but as people pointed out, you overdid it with the elipses...otherwise, very good job :)
  





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Mon Aug 11, 2008 10:41 am
Palip says...



Is this just the first chapter? Are you going to continue writing? If so, what's the name of the story? P.S. You could do with erasing d bad words for d first chapter :P, at least I prefer it if you do it that way
  








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