Young Writers Society

Tastes Like Strawberries


This story is kinda bad, so beware. Please crit or review or even comment.





I wipe furiously at my blue and gold sweater-vest while attempting to stop the sticky crimson liquid from leaving a stain. My faded brown jacket had received most of the attack, and only a fist-sized pool had stuck on my vest. I place one of my saturated fingers in my mouth and suck enjoyably. Strawberry.

The kid who spilt his ice cream on me starts crying until his idiot mother lets him get a new cone, chocolate this time. She is oblivious to the fact that he'd pouted in line because she wouldn't let him get chocolate. And my favorite freaking sweater-vest ends up victim to a 7-year-old brat.

Luckily, my pants are spotless. I adjust the camera bag dangling from my shoulder and flick a spot of ice cream from the case. My camera is quite heavy with the lens attached and I have to swing the neck strap on to keep it balanced. The plan was to actually get some dessert at Andy's Famous Custard, best place for a sugar rush on the boardwalk, but saving my shirt had taken more time than I was expecting.

He's sitting at a table near the stairs that lead to the beach. His tacky Hawaiian shirt and swim trunks are utterly repulsive with their clashing green and orange colors. Definitely not Arthur Curry. Across from him is a beautiful blonde girl. Her clothes and body posture give off the impression that she's wild and adventurous, but her eyes are distant and bored. Fishboy better make a move, or this whole trip will have been for nothing. Waiting any longer is not an option. I walk slowly to their table.

"Sorry to bother the two of you, but my editor is drilling me for some photos. Do you mind if I get your picture?"

"What kind of photos exactly? We're kind of in the middle of a date here." The pseudo-Aquaman raises an eyebrow and smiles stupidly.

"Well, that's it. I need pictures of couples." I feign a look of desperation. He looks slightly ticked off. Too bad.

The woman he's with looks me up and down then shifts her eyes back to him. "Come on, let him takes some pictures and get on his way."

Thanks a lot, you witch. Maybe I'll let him mess you up a bit. A grin sweeps onto my face for reasons they couldn't begin to understand.

"Whatever. Just make it quick." He returns to a bowl of soupy-looking crap.

I pull the camera away from my chest and find them through the lens, moving myself until a suitable shot presents itself. Click. Click. Click. Three photos should be enough. Placing a notepad on the table along with a pen, I look at them awkwardly.

"What now?" A thin sweat is collecting on his wide forehead. I pull my jacket closer as another ocean breeze rolls over the boardwalk.

"If you want to be in the paper, I need your names. After this I promise to leave." Yeah, the restaurant. I won't let him get away.

Once they give me the notepad with their names on it, I weave through the other tables. I make my way down the stairs leading to the beach and stop just under the wooden structure. My eyes widen at the names they gave me. John Roland and Susan Beckett. Lying means I'll have some fun first. I move between the beams holding the boardwalk, counting. Five over, two left. Five over, two left. The footprints I'd left earlier today were gone now thanks to the high tide. I begin to dig using my hands in a spot marked by a piece of driftwood. The backpack I buried before was still there, only a little soggy. No worries. After grabbing the trash bag from inside, I toss the backpack into the hole.

I sit down on the damp sand and start stripping. I put the sneakers neatly in the trash bag, followed by my jacket, camera, sweater-vest, and white button-up shirt. The wind is stronger here; my chest cringes from the chill. Then the pants come off, and I get to stare at my Ironman boxers for a second. My right hand rummages through the bag, pulling out a different set of clothing, two pieces of rope, and a leather bundle. I begin with the clear rain poncho. It slips on easily and drapes over my shoulders and ends just short of my knees. The plastic is cold against my leg hair. I stand up and shimmy into the rubber overalls, buckling the straps for a snug fit. The sleeves of the poncho only reach the elbows, where the rubber gloves start. I check that the voice recorder is in the front pocket of the overalls. Returning to the bag, I snatch the rubber boots. I make sure to tuck the pants into the boot legs. I pull the hood of the poncho up, put the trash bag inside the backpack, and cover it with sand. Now the waiting game begins.

Half an hour passes and I can hear them walking behind me, drunk and giggling. It won't be fun if he can't think straight. Judging from the sounds, they are further under the platform than me. I listen to them closely. A few minutes of kissing pass. Then he says something softly to which she responds "No". He gets a bit louder.

"You don't know what you want, you're drunk." My heart starts pounding in my chest. I can hear clothing rip.

"Stop it! Get off me!" I hope he's ready.

I unwrap the leather bundle and carefully grip the machete's handle. With the other I grab the ropes, which are neatly coiled. It's dark and hard to see on the way to them. I lay the ropes down and pick up a wine bottle. I stroll over to them. She's attempting to kick him off, to no avail. It's takes a minute to get her attention and she almost screams for help before I bring my left hand, with bottle held tightly, down on the guy's head. He slumps over in the sand, blood trickling on the sand. Now to get rid of her.

"Go, I'll call the police!" I try to make my voice sturdy, don't want to sound excited. She can't see my face in the poor lighting.

She gets up quickly and takes off in the opposite direction of the stairs to the boardwalk. Good. Once I can't see her anymore, I hoist the guy up and push him into the nearest pole.

By the time he wakes up, I've already got him restrained with his arms and legs bound to the wood beam. The right side of his face is glistening with blood; I want to lick it, but now isn't the time for that. He blinks his eyes four or five times to focus his sight, then looks at me.

"What the hell? Why'd you hit me?" He looks so helpless.

"Your name isn't John Roland. You lied to me." Small-talk is always fun.

"So you almost kill me? Did you kidnap me too?" Wow, he's no Einstein.

"Look around, retard. You're still under the boardwalk. And I didn't almost kill you." Cat and mouse.

He gazes around. "So why did you tie me up?" His feet fidget in the sand.

"You were going to have your way with that lady, weren't you?"

"She had too much to drink, she was just messing around. So was I." I tighten the grip on my machete.

"Were you 'messing around' with Linda Parsons? What about Kate Singleton, Amanda Gibbets, Tanya Anthony?" He's done for.

"You trying to get a confession out of me? The police dropped the charges. No evidence. You won't get anything from me." His eyes say it all.

"You know you're guilty. I know you're guilty. And I'm going to punish you for it."

"How exactly do you know I'm guilty?" He has the nerve to smirk.

"I can see it in your eyes. You're addicted, like me. But your substance of choice isn't the same as mine." I pull out the tape recorder with my left hand. "I want you to confess to your sins. Say it all in this recorder."

"Why would I do that?" He's being difficult.

"Because if you don't I'll kill you." I make sure he sees the machete.

"Alright!" He takes a deep breath and begins. "I...I violated Linda Parsons, Amanda Gibbets, Tanya Anthony, and Kate Singleton. I'm guilty."

"Sorry, I wasn't recording." He looks like a kid who just discovered the Santa Conspiracy. Innocent and heart-broken. "Just kidding, man. Lighten up."

"I swear, the cops are going to hunt you down. What you're doing to me is worse than anything I've done."

"Look, you're not the first to give me the "bad guy" speech. It doesn't work. I'm a hero, I clean up the dirt. You, sir, are dirty."

I slash the machete across his throat and warm, sticky blood slurps out. I lean forward so I can talk to him.

"I wish I could go with you. See what it's like dying, you know?" He struggles.

"T-Th-en ki-ki-ll yo-ur-self."

"I have."

I stab his chest quickly, making sure it goes in all the way. The blade comes out with some resistance. I even have to twist it around a little. The tape recorder falls from my hand and rests at his feet. Blood drips on the ground around it. If I change quickly, maybe I'll get home in time for Deal or No Deal.

Manties,

Oh, my gosh, that was freaking better than I could ever have predicted! I was glued to the screen the entire time! This was so fantastically awesome, I can’t even begin to explain how much I love this story already. You have to write/post more, very, very soon. Or I’m going to die, and then no more Brianne.

There are a few things that you can work on, however. Your Slaughter-Man is incredibly awesome. I wish I could come up with someone so awesome. However, he needs a bit more work. He sounds very… teenagerish. That’s not good. He’s probably in his 30s. Make him seem like that. Make him use larger words. He’s obviously a very smart man, or he wouldn’t have been able to kill that man. Try to make him sound a bit older.

My absolute favorite part was:

I want to lick it, but now isn't the time for that.

That part really made me go, “Eeeewww!”

I have included a line-by-line critique in the attachment below. I hope that the grammar pointers can help this story become better. This was seriously, though, Manties, ultra YOUROCKMYSOXDUDE.

-Jared

Mantis!

I made an attachment with my critique. I have all the details in there, so I do hope you find some of it valuable or to your liking. ^_^

Overall

This was an excellent read! Despite all the things I picked out, I really did enjoy this. The Baer was right—it was awesome. ^_^ I really want to learn more about the MC, though. You totally just left me hanging, and now I’m getting anxious here. Do alert me when the next part comes out. I’d be more than happy to look at it!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I love both of you so much! Those review were awesome and helpful. I really need to watch my word repetition, not just with I, but other things too. Same word twice in one sentence...embarrassing. I'll make monuments to you both!

i didnt get the feeling that that guy was really scared.. like he was just like.. OWE.. you hit mje.. why? becfause.. because why. because youre a bad bad man.. oh yea... why did you tie my feet... did you kidnap me too.. jesus.. what next... i hope you didnt stick gum in my ear.. you know how ahrd taht is to get out?.. and so on.. and even when hes got his throwat slaashed hes still thinking of comebacks... or atleast still listnenign intentivley and returning answers and still locked in conversrtations.. oh i wish i could die like you... well then.. have you ever thought of killing yoruself? well yeahh i have, actually... oh what do you mean.. like you have died inside.. or like.. me.. where im a about to die in a few seconds,, as you have slahsed my throaa oh oh ahh arrgggh.. *dead* you know what i mean... adn dang .. this guy aint even that bad. i mean.. if this guy can get them on a date.. or a vacation or whatever.. and they even let him get them drunk.... ay.. this guys no worse then the average frat guy at a kegger... i mea its not like hes jumpoing out at them from dark corners.. or raping little childeren.. i think this gys gotta stop watching deal or no deal and get his priorities straing.. know what im sayin

Hi Mantis! You asked me to critique this, so here I am! Sorry for taking a while to respond.

Anyway, let's go over your story, shall we?

I wipe furiously at my blue and gold sweater-vest while attempting to stop the sticky crimson liquid from leaving a stain.

This is where I would stop, if I were reading this story. Yes, I wouldn’t even get past the first sentence. Evil? Yes.

There are a couple of reasons for this, and I want to go through every reason why I would stop reading, simply because I think it might be helpful for you to see my thought process, as I read this.

I wipe furiously

Adverbs are the spawn of the devil. No, I am being serious. The word “wipe” used alone reminds me of sponges and cleaning and marble countertops. If it is used in relationship with the human body, it reminds me of runny noses and dirty butts. With this word association in mind, you can see that “wipe” is not a really strong word, as far as imagery goes. Yet, at the same time, it draws attention to the ear, simply because of the strong “I” sound. This means that you should only really use it when there is no other word that can replace it. And, because it is so strong in the right place, it needs no adverbs to describe it. So when I see the word “wipe” coupled with an adverb “furiously,” I raise my eyebrows. This tells me that the author clearly has no concept of proper word choice and wants to dress up a perfectly good word with a tuxedo when only a polo shirt and golf shorts are required.

Understand?

Only use “wipe” when you have to. Otherwise, it will seem out of place. And never couple it with an adverb.

Mind you, this may not be so noticeable if it’s located in the narrative somewhere, but because these are the first three words that the reader is greeted with, it makes it that much more horrible. You are killing your introduction... and we haven’t even had the chance to read the whole sentence.

my blue and gold

The first thought when I read this was, why should I care? I am wearing a blue and gold hoodie now. It is nice and fuzzy and it has my former school’s mascot on it. The question is, why should you care? Does this matter? Will this change your life? Probably not. So why are you telling us this little bit of information in your story?

Now, obviously, the reason why you are telling us this is because you want us to form an image of your character. You probably have a very concrete image of your character in your mind. Perhaps you even believe that clothes make the man and that if we knew what he wore, we would be able to see his character and his motive. You don’t want to tell us, exactly who he is, otherwise, you’ll ruin the element of surprise for what is to come (more on that later in the critique). And after all, show, not tell, right?

But you can describe that later. This is the first sentence. The first sentence is supposed to hook us and make us want to read more. These adjectives stop us from this hook. Instead of being hooked, I was exhausted by these words. They were like hurdles that I could pass over, if I wanted to, but it’s much easier just to not read.

Adjectives are hurdles. If they read easily, the reader will fly over them and life will be wonderful. If they aren’t easy, then the reader will not read your story. Life is too short to waste on reading stupid adjectives. So get rid of them. Your objective in this sentence is to hook your readers. Not to make them want to shoot themselves.

Also, if you choose to use those clunky adjectives later on in the story where they would be better placed, make sure they mean something important. And not just “I’m defining my character!” important. For your character, you use verbs and nouns to describe them, because your character’s actions are more important than his clothes any day. Besides, adjectives are weak describers. Verbs and nouns are much stronger and can paint a better picture. In general, verbs and nouns should be used whenever possible and adjectives should only be used when you want a dash of poetry.

sweater-vest

I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate this hyphenated word. It’s clunky and it reads horribly. Say the word “sweater-vest” five times fast. You will notice that it’s a very weak word. There are no strong sounds in it whatsoever, and everything has a soft “eh” sound. A soft “eh” sound isn’t necessarily bad, really, but the problem is that there are three soft “eh” sounds consecutively. This makes the word laborious to read.

I actually would stop reading here. Let’s look at the descriptions so far. You have “furiously,” “blue and gold,” and “sweater-vest.” This is a lot of description for only one verb, “wipe,” which already seems hopelessly misplaced. This shows me that you are not sure how to limit your description in a concise way and, in fact, do not know what to keep and what is simply background information. After all, if this is a hook, it is a very poorly written hook. This is a huge warning signal to me that this story will be a horribly long read and I will hate myself at the end.

And we’re not even done with the sentence...

while attempting to stop

“Attempting to stop” is a cheater’s way out. I am serious. You are being deliberately evasive to the reader. Instead of saying “attempting to stop” you could have used a number of different, stronger verbs to describe the motion of stopping a melted ice cream river from going down further. Instead, you decided that you did not want to hint to the reader that this was, in fact, ice cream, so you decided to be ambiguous in your word choice. Unfortunately, there are two problems I have with that.

1. If you are evasive with me, then you are discarded. I cannot stand writers who use little tricks to try and lead me on with a conflict that is actually not a conflict. Even before reading the following sentences, I knew that you were going to do something “unexpected” to be clever and humorous. And I didn’t care, because I knew that whatever it was, it wouldn’t matter in the long run. Evasiveness is a one-trick pony. Once that trick is revealed, there is no delving into it for a deeper thought. It is simply meant to catch, surprise, and leave for dead.

2. Ambiguous words are inherently weak. Already, you have used very weak adjectives and adverbs to support a weak verb, “wipe,” and now you have an even weaker string of verbs, because they are so ambiguous. So you have a weak sentence, and we haven’t even finished it! Will it ever get stronger? Who knows! But it doesn’t look like it will. And that’s bad. Hooks are supposed to hook you. And if you can’t present your hook in a stronger manner, then you’ll never catch the reader’s interest.

the sticky crimson liquid

This is a brilliant example on how adjectives are weak describers and how nouns are so powerful. Here, you decide to be “cute” and evasive, so you use very specific, very strong adjectives to describe an ambiguous noun, “liquid.” So what does this tell the reader?

Nothing.

Yes, you used the word “sticky.” Yes, you used the word “crimson.” But without a strong, descriptive noun to anchor onto, these adjectives are meaningless and simply add more weight to an already bloated first sentence.

from leaving a stain.

This is perhaps the strongest part of the sentence, as far as the wording goes. It has a strong verb and strong noun, which is always good. Unfortunately, these words don’t really go anywhere. This is the ending of the sentence, which means this is the final impression that we’re given, as far as the first sentence goes, and it should excite us to read more into the second sentence. Instead, it just ends with the thought of leaving a stain.

If this is blood, then this gives us an interesting view of the character and makes us think that he is perhaps a sociopath and that he really doesn’t care. Instead, it is ice cream. So the reader is forced to wonder, after trudging through this paragraph, “So what?”

Listen, I spent three whole pages discussing your first sentence. That is a lot of pages. But I didn’t do this to humiliate you. Instead, I did it because I hoped you would learn something. Those are just a couple of the thoughts that occur to me when I am reading it. I am known to over-read things, and perhaps this just confirms this fact. But still. I want you to put as much effort into your writing as I do in my reading. So basically, I want you to throw your heart and soul into your writing. That’s the only way it’s going to get better.

I will not be nit-picky for the remainder of the critique and rant solely about word choice. You know what I think about adjectives and evasion, so it would be redundant for me to repeat this. Instead, I will talk about the plot and character and exactly how the action is spaced out and what I noticed. But know that there are fundamental problems with your word choice and description, and these problems are really dragging your story down. Read this story very carefully. For every adjective, ask yourself, “Why did I put this there? What noun is it supporting? Is the noun a strong enough without an adjective? Is the noun too ambiguous to deserve an adjective?” Do the same thing with your adverbs. And always ask yourself, “Who cares?” If you cannot answer this question fairly, it’s best to leave it out that bit of writing completely.

I wipe furiously at my blue and gold sweater-vest while attempting to stop the sticky crimson liquid from leaving a stain. My faded brown jacket had received most of the attack, and only a fist-sized pool had stuck on my vest. I place one of my saturated fingers in my mouth and suck enjoyably. Strawberry.

This paragraph fails to describe anything, until the last sentence, which is only one word long. It is fat and bloated and deserves a complete rewrite. Don’t be cute and evasive. You are telling your readers a story, not playing hide and seek. This doesn’t mean you have to tell the readers everything. It just means that you have to be clear and concise.

Here is an example of another beginning:

I cursed, wiping the red glob off and praying that it wouldn’t stain. It was a vest, a brand new vest, and already the kid had ruined it. I licked my fingers experimentally. Strawberry.

I wrote it in first person, past tense, which is what I am used to, but you can see that you can be perfectly vague without being completely obscure. This obviously won’t do, since your story is in present tense, but it at least shows you what your beginning can do, if you write without being completely evasive.

Don’t be cute. Just tell your story.

The kid who spilt his ice cream on me starts crying until his idiot mother lets him get a new cone, chocolate this time. She is oblivious to the fact that he'd pouted in line because she wouldn't let him get chocolate. And my favorite freaking sweater-vest ends up victim to a 7-year-old brat.

Why does she not let him have chocolate the first time and she lets him have chocolate the second time? This doesn’t make sense. And mind you, it’s a little thing, but little details add up.

Always spell out small numbers. Write out the word “seven.”

The word “freaking” is too strong to be used as an adjective to chocolate. Worst yet, it gives the speaker a juvenile flavor, which makes it seem unrealistic when he finally starts slashing the man, mentioned later. Do not fall in the trap of using popular words in literary fiction. It will make your writing obsolete and constrict your character in an archetype that you may not want.

Luckily, my pants are spotless. I adjust the camera bag dangling from my shoulder and flick a spot of ice cream from the case. My camera is quite heavy with the lens attached and I have to swing the neck strap on to keep it balanced. The plan was to actually get some dessert at Andy's Famous Custard, best place for a sugar rush on the boardwalk, but saving my shirt had taken more time than I was expecting.

This is another problem with being evasive. You had it set up (however lamely) for a conflict that involved ice cream and a little kid. So... the question was, what is going to happen to the little brat? By being evasive, you put too much focus on the ice cream part, which leaves us wondering why, if it was that important, aren’t you paying attention to it afterwards? Did our hero just forget? Or did the author decide to stick the scene in, just because it sounded cool?

Focus more on the conflict. When you want to have an interesting but not plot-dependent scene, don’t focus on it entirely and make it into this long, laborious scene. It’s supposed to amuse for a short time, so let it amuse for a short time. When you start up with the conflict, make sure the reader knows about it, as far as what the main character is thinking about the main conflict. Don’t be evasive.

Also, the plan? Come on. Don’t lie to us. When you get to the “plan” part, the sentence drags, and now that I’ve reread this story several times, I am annoyed that you make it seem like he’s simply someone who wants to eat dessert. This is obviously not the case, and I don’t enjoy being lied to in such an obvious manner. Be vague, if you want, and make it seem like he’s waiting for the opportune moment, but don’t lie.

He's sitting at a table near the stairs that lead to the beach. His tacky Hawaiian shirt and swim trunks are utterly repulsive with their clashing green and orange colors. Definitely not Arthur Curry. Across from him is a beautiful blonde girl. Her clothes and body posture give off the impression that she's wild and adventurous, but her eyes are distant and bored. Fishboy better make a move, or this whole trip will have been for nothing. Waiting any longer is not an option. I walk slowly to their table.

The Aquaman reference is ridiculous and it makes no sense within the context of what’s happening. Either describe why this character is being referred to as the anti comic book hero, or don’t bother. The same advice goes with “Fishboy.” Don’t be obscure in a geeky manner if you will not explain yourself or describe the man further.

Do not say “body posture.” That is a meaningless description that says nothing. Instead, tell us how she positions herself. That way, we’ll get a better picture of her.

Also, we do not know why she stays with him. You do not hint about wealth and we have no idea of what he looks like or how old he might be. I am guessing he isn’t particularly attractive from the Aquaman reference, which makes me feel that he must be rich, though I may be wrong. In any case, you don’t give us any clues on why this gorgeous blonde should be with him and it doesn’t make sense. So give us clues. Make us believe that this is a plausible situation.

Fishboy seems to refer to the narrator, but it’s rather ambiguous. However, I don’t like it when characters refer to themselves in third person. I am slightly hoping this isn’t the case, but it would make sense, especially considering that the next sentence doesn’t specify who can’t wait any longer and, in the sentence following that, the narrator moves closer to the scene. In any case, it’s very confusing and you should sort out who is who.

And for which character is waiting not an option?

"Sorry to bother the two of you, but my editor is drilling me for some photos. Do you mind if I get your picture?"

How does he say this? Obviously, he has a camera with him, so this might be considered plausible to a first time reader, but having read the story, I know that he later kills this man. So this is a lie. How does he pull this lie off? He has to do something, since this man, whoever he is, is probably smart, having gotten away with raping so many women, and is also probably a good judge of character, for the same reason above. Otherwise, he would be in jail. So he is not stupid and can probably catch a lie. So how does this juvenile with a camera get away with it?”

"What kind of photos exactly? We're kind of in the middle of a date here." The pseudo-Aquaman raises an eyebrow and smiles stupidly.

Haha. Now you’re trying to make this guy stupid, possibly so your main character can beat him up more easily. Or maybe this guy is only pretending to be stupid? That would be awesome. Except, because I’ve read ahead, I know better than to expect that. That would be too interesting.

This is disappointing.

"Well, that's it. I need pictures of couples." I feign a look of desperation. He looks slightly ticked off. Too bad.

This is telling us what is going on. You want to show us what exactly is happening. He feigns a look of desperation... so he wasn’t desperate before. Which means that this should be shooting warning signs to Aquaman. Except that Aquaman’s an idiot. So he only looks “slightly” ticked off, whatever that means.

I sort of want to stab out my eyeballs at this point, by the way.

The woman he's with looks me up and down then shifts her eyes back to him. "Come on, let him takes some pictures and get on his way."

Grammar mistake. Takes should be take.

Thanks a lot, you witch. Maybe I'll let him mess you up a bit. A grin sweeps onto my face for reasons they couldn't begin to understand.

This paragraph is really lame in several different ways. Why does he think of her as a witch? Her dialogue is not offensive towards him, and since we are assuming that they don’t know each other, then it is perfectly reasonable to think that this sort of dialogue is not unexpected. So what’s he all huffy about? I mean, in John Updike’s story, A&P, the narrator calls everybody names, and you expect that because he’s a rebellious little snot who thinks he is better than everyone else, even though he’s just a kid, stuck in a job he hates. So this guy ends up sounding even more like a kid. It’s very unrealistic to think of him later wielding a machete.

Then you have the “mess you up” part. We don’t know that Aquaman is a rapist. Really, we don’t. You don’t give us enough clues. In fact, after reading this story, I believe that if this babe hung around with him for that long, she must have been lovers with him. Otherwise, why would a gorgeous blonde hang around a weird guy? They must be lovers. And I know he’s supposed to have raped several other women, but I think that the narrator is lying to us. I mean, he did it before, so why not now?

In any case, I don’t care. I don’t really care about the characters. They have flat dialogue and they don’t really seem to be interacting with each other in a realistic way, if they interact at all. When he grins “for reasons they couldn’t begin to understand” I would have the woman and man maybe squint at him or ask him what was so funny or do something to prove to me that they are human (really) and give me some idea of their personalities. For dialogue, the offhand comments tend to be the most revealing.

So this part just doesn’t make any sense. It also happens to have the dramatic tension of a wet spaghetti noodle. Make the characters care that they are interacting with each other. Is Aquaman “slightly” ticked off? Well, prove it. Maybe he fidgets with his napkin and glares at this guy. Does this girl care about anyone? I don’t know. Show us her reactions to stuff. They are dragging down the story.

And I know that Aquaman’s going to be dead anyway, and who gives an oink about developing his personality, but right now, your narrator is as flat and thin as a sheet of crisp paper, and that’s bad. You need to show off his character quickly, and the quickest way this is going to happen is if you show how he interacts with other characters and how they interact with him. The way they treat him or look at him will show us what kind of man (or boy, seeing that he acts very juvenile at times, machete or no) they perceive him to be, and their perceptions can help us form an opinion of who your main character really is. And if they have different perceptions of him, then fine! This would be more realistic. Maybe Aquaman recognizes him from somewhere, but doesn’t quite know where, so that’s why he’s “slightly” ticked off. And the girl doesn’t care because he’s just another guy.

Give this more spice. Right now, cardboard looks more appetizing.

"Whatever. Just make it quick." He returns to a bowl of soupy-looking crap.

The last description is by far the best description in the story, just because it’s vivid and gives you an absolute image on what exactly he’s eating. Unfortunately, it describes something that really doesn’t matter in the long run. If you could pull off this description in more places, it would be fabulous to the tenth degree.

I pull the camera away from my chest and find them through the lens, moving myself until a suitable shot presents itself. Click. Click. Click. Three photos should be enough. Placing a notepad on the table along with a pen, I look at them awkwardly.

What does this shot look like? Describe their expressions. It would be pretty cool if the woman transforms from being bored to being radiant and the narrator muses how much more beautiful she seems and why this man probably picked her. And maybe the man would realize who this character is, but would be unable to act. Except then he might put off raping the girl or something, unless he’s really stupid. Which he might be. Who knows?

"What now?" A thin sweat is collecting on his wide forehead. I pull my jacket closer as another ocean breeze rolls over the boardwalk.

Why is he sweating? Give us a reason. The reason above would be fine, except then he would have to have another reason to go down. Because he hopefully isn’t that stupid. I hope/wish/pray...

"If you want to be in the paper, I need your names. After this I promise to leave." Yeah, the restaurant. I won't let him get away.

The last two sentences really make no sense to the first time reader and they are especially irritating for the second/third/fourth time reader. It’s just corny. I can see how it’s supposed to reveal the conflict in a slightly subtle way where the main character introduces it, but it really doesn’t work. It would be best to see the whole thought process and why exactly your narrator is thinking that instead of having these witticisms spouted off after every piece of dialogue. Really. In fact, the witticisms are kind of stupid. So get rid of some and instead, make us more aware of the character dynamics. This will make it so much more interesting, trust me.

Once they give me the notepad with their names on it, I weave through the other tables.

WAIT! STOP!

And I know that I am interrupting a paragraph, but you just missed an opportunity that would give you so much more conflict and drama and character development and everything else awesome you can think of. And if you would only do it, you would be so much better off and this piece of writing would be stronger and we would have a better idea of who your characters are and...

Don’t just tell us that he gets their names and leaves. Tell us how he collects their names. Does he do so politely? In a rush? How do the other characters react to him? This can show us so much information about the individual characters. For instance, what if your dialogue goes like this:

“My name is John Roland.” My eyes rise from my clipboard, showing off some surprise.

“John Roland?” I repeat.

He looks nervous. “John Roland,” he says. I bite my tongue. Hard.

So this is showing you that there is something that the main character knows, yet it’s not completely obvious. And it shows that the main character holds a certain amount of power over this guy, which is wonderful, because it makes it more of a cat and mouse chase. Which means you don’t have to constantly say, “cat and mouse” forty bazillion times in the next part (which, by the way, should not be separated from this part because the ending here is not a natural cliffhanger, but more on that later).

Also, it does another wonderful thing. It makes your narrator hold a certain amount of mystery without making him make snide remarks which are supposed to be really witty but really really aren’t and are actually kind of stupid.

Um... sorry about that. To the critique!

Once they give me the notepad with their names on it, I weave through the other tables. I make my way down the stairs leading to the beach and stop just under the wooden structure. My eyes widen at the names they gave me. John Roland and Susan Beckett. Lying means I'll have some fun first. I move between the beams holding the boardwalk, counting. Five over, two left. Five over, two left. The footprints I'd left earlier today were gone now thanks to the high tide. I begin to dig using my hands in a spot marked by a piece of driftwood. The backpack I buried before was still there, only a little soggy. No worries. After grabbing the trash bag from inside, I toss the backpack into the hole.

See? You wouldn’t have to do the whole “eyes widening” stuff and “lying” stuff if you simply combined this information is the narrative! Awesome, isn’t it? So do that instead. This isn’t a complete info dump, but you can integrate it so easily into the story that you should do this.

While I was reading this, I couldn’t help but wonder why exactly his exact position was important. There was no clue that positioning would be good beforehand and it really just makes no sense. Why is he being so specific in where he is? What does he expect? Instead of telling us his movement, make us aware of why he is moving. This will actually heighten the suspense.

And I know right now you’re thinking that if the reader knows everything, there will be no sense of surprise when he actually gets to the guy. This is actually very wrong. Right now, the suspense that you are aiming for is the suspense that a blind person gets when he trips on a rock. That blind man isn’t expecting the rock, and when he trips and falls on his face, he’s very surprised. But a better suspense for literary fiction is something called “dramatic irony.” That is, the reader can see and understand what will happen, but the situation is so dramatic that it creates tension naturally. You have a very intense drama coming up. A man is going to kill another man. Is that not dramatic? So don’t use little tricks to try to hide it from the reader and make it sound like someone is tripping. This is beyond that. Instead, show us the characters and how they react to each other. That will make things so much more dramatic and real.

I sit down on the damp sand and start stripping. I put the sneakers neatly in the trash bag, followed by my jacket, camera, sweater-vest, and white button-up shirt. The wind is stronger here; my chest cringes from the chill. Then the pants come off, and I get to stare at my Ironman boxers for a second. My right hand rummages through the bag, pulling out a different set of clothing, two pieces of rope, and a leather bundle. I begin with the clear rain poncho. It slips on easily and drapes over my shoulders and ends just short of my knees. The plastic is cold against my leg hair. I stand up and shimmy into the rubber overalls, buckling the straps for a snug fit. The sleeves of the poncho only reach the elbows, where the rubber gloves start. I check that the voice recorder is in the front pocket of the overalls. Returning to the bag, I snatch the rubber boots. I make sure to tuck the pants into the boot legs. I pull the hood of the poncho up, put the trash bag inside the backpack, and cover it with sand. Now the waiting game begins.

Oh. My.

I am going to pretend I didn’t read that. That was all... wow. That sucked. A hundred and ninety nine words of how somebody undressed. Wow. That’s special.

Um... get rid of that. Really. You can simply say, “I made sure nobody was looking before changing my clothes, making sure the tape recorder was in the front pocket of my rubber overalls.” See? Concise and it didn’t bore us to death.

But seriously, this is just ridiculous. Some details are better off not knowing. You don’t want to drag down your drama with little details that nobody really cares about. You want to keep it moving. If his clothes matters that much, then space it out within the narrative so that it is put in without being a blob of text about clothes.

Half an hour passes and I can hear them walking behind me, drunk and giggling. It won't be fun if he can't think straight. Judging from the sounds, they are further under the platform than me. I listen to them closely. A few minutes of kissing pass. Then he says something softly to which she responds "No". He gets a bit louder.

If he can hear her say no, then why can’t he hear what Aquaman is saying? (And yes, I am still calling him Aquaman, but that was so... random and silly and slightly stupid that I can’t think of him as anyone else.) It just seems weird, because if they’re kissing, she’s probably going to be breathless and the first time she says no, she’s really not going to say it loud. She’s probably going to... breathe it, if you know what I’m saying. Like, it’ll rustle off her lips. And if he can hear their kissing... well, yeah. Maybe if he mumbled it, it would make more sense, but then...

Well, just make him hear what he says. Or you can just have him feel her up and she can gasp and say no, but then he can laugh at her and tell her she’s drunk.

"You don't know what you want, you're drunk." My heart starts pounding in my chest. I can hear clothing rip.

...clothing rip?

CLOTHING RIP?

Wait, so this guy is supposed to be an experienced rapist, so experienced that the police couldn’t find any evidence against him, yet he’s ripping this girl’s clothes off? Come on! This is stupid. This doesn’t make sense. Unless, of course, the clothing is the narrator’s rubber overalls and it’s because his heart is pounding too much.

No, but seriously. No clothes tearing. And the heart pounding in his chest is clichéd. Come up with other descriptions that can describe his feelings better. Does his hands get sweaty. Does he absent-mindedly grab the tape recording? Or maybe he only pats the tape recorder and smiles? Do something with it! Generally, you avoid clichés because they do not show you what is going on. And this is bad.

"Stop it! Get off me!" I hope he's ready.

Instead of the last sentence, you should say how he’s getting ready to strike. That would be much more action packed and less clichéd.

Also! You should combine the other part with this part. This isn’t a strong enough cliffhanger to really make you want to continue you on. So if you include more, then this will be better and make the flow seem much more logical. And yeah, you might say, “Well, I split it up for YWS!” Don’t do this. Simply put together as it should be. If you’ve done your job right, then they’ll be caught anyway and they’ll have to read it. I mean, you’ve probably read this whole critique, no? This is the twelfth page, and yet you’re still hooked. Now, obviously you have an interest in reading this, because it will help you, maybe, but if the story is compelling enough, they’ll read it because if they don’t read it, they’ll feel like they’re going to die. I once read a ten thousand word short story straight through, just because it was that intense and dramatic. And that was on the web and it was a YWS member’s story. So it can happen.

So yeah. I’ve only gone through the first part of your chapter, really, but you probably already have a pretty good idea of what you can do to tweak it and what I would say about the second part. So this is good, I think.

And I hope you did pull something out of this critique. I realize that it’s six times longer than your story, which is rather ridiculous. I also realize that you may possibly want to strangle me at this point. But I hope that this will help you (eventually) and make writing more fulfilling for you. It'll take a lot of heart and soul, but you have that. The rest is just writing.

So... quickly!

Brief Checklist

First sentences should provide a strong hook.

Don’t be evasive. Tell the reader what is going on.

Character are people. They will interact with each other, like people.

Stupid characters should not be allowed to exist.

Adjectives are weak describers. Stick with nouns and verbs for power.

Describe the important things, like character reactions and introspective thoughts.

When you get to the dramatic part, don’t slow down.

Put your heart and soul into your writing, always.

And last... the Aquaman reference is really lame. Like, extremely lame. Make it less silly... please?

I hope this helps!

Hey kiddo!
of course I had to read this because it's titled Slaughter-Man. I love slaughter, and I love men, so clearly this was all set up to be a winner. And in the end, it didn't *really* disappoint. Not really. Yet I felt that it could have been much clearer. The events that transpired weren't all that complicated. Guy takes pictures, walks down to the beach, kills a motherf**ker. Yet you state it in such intricate details, and I can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. The guys a sociopath, clearly, and that's great, don't get me wrong, so I can accept that he's all bothered about his skirt and the shades of brown and blahblah, but it gets a tad annoying when you want the plot to progress.

BEST sentence in the whole thing, "Maybe I'll let him mess her up a bit first," (to that extent). That's awesome. We're not sure at this point if he's working for someone or what, so maybe the "him" is some kind of mob boss or distant, wicked relative. We don't know, and it makes it all the more sick when we realize later.

A small fact: maybe the girl, drunk as she was, didn't WANT her so-called rapist to get thwacked over the head. Her response is typical, but no one is typical, so it doesn't work. Maybe she's really concerned. Or maybe she's more afraid of the killer than the man. Or maybe she's in love with her rapist but doesn't know it. Maybe she's mostly just worried. Yet she'd be really drunk too, right? So just running off...that doesn't make sense. She might stumble or she might be too confused to do anything.

you know?

just saying, when factoring these things out, no killer would automatically assume the cooperation of the woman. Not to mention she's seen him. Okay you say she can't see his face in the dim light, but I don't buy it.

Also, this likely would have been more interesting if the guy had just been your random sociopath instead of a vigilante punisher. But you take what you get I guess.

I read this expecting something sick, and I suppose I got it. ^^;
the attention to small details, "deal or no deal" etc., is what makes it realistic, so I can't say I don't like this, but I still feel like it needs work, if only for the sake of clarity.



sorry this is a kind of jumbled comment. ^_______________^ It's late here.

Have you ever read the book "Darkly Dreaming Dexter"? It is very similar, he has a blood lust and to quench it he kills people, but only criminals and people who got off of being convicted for technicalities and such. Dexter was made into an Showtime series and it was really good, I believe the third season is next. But, I find this story way better than the book. I first watched an episode of the show and THEN read the book, which may have hindered my good opinion of the book. In comparison it was crap.

Your story in comparison to said book, is ten times better. I loved it. Your first post ended with a nice cliffhanger, and before I scrolled down, I hoped and repeated "Please let there be another part!". I really want more installments. Something about it is addictive. I hope to see more of your work.

Hey Mohinder!

So, everyone has pretty much covered all my issues – one bad thing about being so terribly lax about getting my crits done, really – but I’ll see what I can do about a general crit for you, my dear Mohinder!

I think Snoink has my feelings down the most, out of your commentators. Most importantly, she is really, really right about that first paragraph. I tried to stick it out! I really did, but it put me off, a lot. I did keep reading but it took a couple of tries. I generally like your attempts at imagery. They’re swift and clear, and I know you’re making the story easier to get swept up in which rocks. The problem is that you started too strong for some of us to handle. We looked at all the words and baulked. I’ll say now, I actually have this same problem a lot. I like description. In fact, I love it. So, I often put too much in, so much that you can’t read the story for all the words. It ends up being a matter of what images are most important to that section of the story. I’m not saying consider all your words – I often don’t – but I think if you read over it and have a look at it, you might realise that it’s... clunky to read through.

There’s some unreality in your characters; the girl ran away too quickly – I feel as though I’d ask something or stand around in fright if that happened to me. I know I’d be too stunned to move for a few seconds. She also protested awful quick. I mean, yes she didn’t want anything to happen, but he had to have been doing something a little more than just touchy feeling her to get her to scream. I mean... okay, in perspective? He’s fondling her: She says, “please don’t” and puts her hands up. We’ll assume he keeps kissing her – as any sensible distraction agent would – and then he does something shocking like... er... grabbing her crotch. Now *that* would get her started with a screamed, outraged: “Get off me!” cue pushing and shoving and slobbering and whimpering.

Aquaman in general was so... casual, somehow, it felt as though he didn’t quite feel the pressure he should have been feeling. If he was drunk I’d expect a whole lot of yelling before he got the point. Remember that alcohol numbs the senses, so cutting on him might help a little, but cold water would do wonders. Shock him.

The killer himself seems slightly ridiculous. But I think that’s more because we can see so many of his thoughts. He can be thinking all of what you have him think – we just don’t need to know it. If he thinks Aquaman is lying, then a raised eyebrow and a confirmation works so much better than “he’s lying to me... “ kind of thing. Because that adds to suspense. What people don’t know worries them, you know, so when we don’t know exactly what this guy is thinking, it will worry us that little bit more.
All of the above said: I kind of liked this. It was, at least, interesting. I definitely approve of the direction you’re moving in. This feels so much more charged than your other work, it’s wonderful. So definitely keep it up!

If you’d like to rant at me, or have any questions or anything, pm me. ^^ I’d be glad to try my best to help.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.