Young Writers Society

This is simply something I did for a writing exercise, but I am thinking of writing a story about it. I would LOVE any suggestions and opinions.
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There stood the pirate galleon Phantom Mist owned by the notorious James Sterling. It stood before me tall and mighty. Its large ivory colored sails flapped full in the wind. The main mast stood high above the ship with many ropes tied to it leading to sails and riggings, and a large black Jolly Roger flag sat atop. The rusty cannons creaked as they were turned my direction. The dark, dangerous ship loomed over me. She had come out of nowhere in complete silence. She was rightly named. Small powder monkeys could be seen running back and to, up and down the decks. The ship made an eerie low groan as her rudder was turned slightly to the south. Dark blue waves lapped against the side of the ship immediately turning to white foam. Just then, Sterling could be seen standing on the fighting deck. The captain was nearly as grand as his ship. His long black hair blew in the sea breeze replacing the powdered white wig formally worn by ship captains. He wore a kingly black robe covered with red and yellow embroidery. A long white strip of lace hung around his neck with two large pistols tied to each end. He leaned on the railing studying our ship for a moment before shouting commands to the crew below. I picked a terrible day to be aboard a navy sloop. The ship let out another terrible groan as she was turned to a strategic spot, all port side cannons facing us. My heart jumped into my throat as I heard the captain yell that one fatal word, “Fire!” I ducked as the three center cannons shot straight into our hull. I could hear the sickening sounds of breaking timber and smell the burning scent of smoke from the cannons. We were retreating, but the wind was not on our side. Our small sails dangled helplessly. I stood aghast at the stern of the ship still staring at the smoking iron cannons. If Sterling planned on looting our ship he would soon be disappointed. We had little cargo on board. The ships great hull stood mocking me. I knew we didn’t match her in speed or power. She let out another mighty groan as she was rammed by a large wave. This time it wasn’t just a groan. It was a war cry. I could hear the gushing sound of our lower decks filling with salt water. I could see Sterling motion to one of the cannon’s men and knew what was coming. Chills shot down my spine as I once again heard the breaking of timber. I fell to the deck and was engulfed by gray cannon smoke. The last things I heard were trampling feet, the shrill order to abandon ship, and Sterling’s deep booming laughter. Everything went black.

okaaayy. i liked the fact that you made use of the English language by not using overly cliche words, phrases and descriptions.

i would locate the main character on a boat in the beginning of the piece because we as the reader need to locate ourselves in the setting

try using different sentence structures because there wasn't a lot of variety and that tends to make literature choppy.

i noticed you using slightly older English and phrasing, that helped establish time frame and fit the piece well.

looking forward to seeing more!

Thank you so much! I do plan on writing a beginning to it as well. This actual piece would probably come a little later in the story. I only wrote it for a Duke TIP writing activity, and I ended up liking more than I thought I would.

I agree with alot of the things that Squishy points out -- it's very refreshing to read even a snippet of a story with so few cliches. I also like the way that you go about writing in the 1st person -- I've found that, oftentimes, reading a story written from a 1st person perspective can be rather confusing, but you've managed to combine the personality associated with your character's perspective with the easy-to-understand phrasing of more usual writing styles. I found the descriptions to be very efficient -- they didn't drag on, though they painted a picture in a reader's head. (One which can become very personal to said reader, without hurting the story. Very nice.) My only bit of criticism would be the beginning of the action -- your character seems rather calm for someone being fired upon. (Although, admittedly, it can be hard to portray fear from a 1st person perspective.) Unless, of course, that ties into the concept behind the character in the first place.

At any rate, this was a nice little piece to read, and I'll be looking for more.

Good... but here comes the harder feedback.

Initially, the picture you give the reader by describing the Phantom Mist as tall and mighty does not give us the sense of darkness and danger you later change the picture of the ship to. Try changing some wording to let us begin our mental processing with the image you intend... not one of a ship with fluffy white sails that just happens to be tall and mighty. We don't know what we are seeing until you give us something to look at.

Now, I also was not able to pick out your main character. As this was just a writing exercise, if you develop it into a full-fledged story, that is something you definitely want to focus on.

You had great details, but you did not express the big idea. You know... the point.

So do give you the two thumbs up to continue this into a story. You have given yourself a lot to work with. Good job!