Young Writers Society

Stepping out of his cabin, drunk, with shotgun in hand.
"Yall fuckin' with the wrong house!" he yelled into the darkness of the surrounding forest.
He cocked the shotgun and a shell fell onto the porch floor.
Watching the woods closely. His eyes, attempting to see in this blackened air.
He hears occasional, sudden movements from every direction. He doesn't flinch, his drunkenness dulls his fear.
Leaves shake and rustle. Twigs snap in an echoing pulse through the forest.
The man realizes abruptly that he is significantly out numbered. This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump.
This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump.
His hand reaches back towards the wall of his cabin, searching for the crack of the door.
Reaching inside he flips the switch for the porch light.
Quickly he turns again to see his threat. and what he sees is much more frightening than some mischievous teens.
In the clearing before him stood an entire pack of wolves. An entire pack of wolves, and a man.
This man stood in the dead center of the pack. no shirt, no shoes. only torn black shorts that were once long pants.
his hair was long and fell all around his face, and he glared at the man with the shotgun with the most piercing, burning glare.
The man on the porch was awestruck by this sobering and fearful sight. Confused and worried by what the outcome of this night may be.
He stuttered but was able to speak. "The hell you want? You got no business here!"
This enraged the man with the wolves, It was seen on his face. He filled his lung in a furious breathe.
The wolf man closed the gap between them in a single moment. the speed at which he moved off put the drunken man.
He was able to fire a single shot but it was to no avail. The Wolf man struck the gun with his arm with devastating force.
The gun was sent flying into the dark sky. The man stood shocked, completely dumbfounded. His fingers, twisted and broken by the blow.
He fell backwards into his cabin, crawling back on his elbows.
His assailant stepped in, staring the man deeper into his state of dread.
"What the hell i got that you want? Ive never done a damn thing!"
The wolf man peered across the room. there he saw the days hunt. A gray wolf that the man had shot that day.
The man followed the others face to the table. Stricken with the reality that had befallen him, he began to beg for his life.
The wolf man placed his foot on the drunkards chest, and bent down so they were face to face.
"I'm sorry!" he cried. "I didn't know!"
The wolf mans eyes became increasingly furious and insane. A growl bellowed from deep in his chest. the growl of a wolf.
"please." the man whined.
The wolf mans hand rest gently around the others neck.
"Please." he said again.
His grip tightened.
"Please!"
The mans throat was ripped from his neck.
Blood spurt onto the floor.
Gurgles were heard for a moment before this man bled out on his own floor for his violent act.
The wolves were gone now, and so was the carcass of the days hunt.

Hi! Before I critique, I'd like to say welcome! I hope you find YWS to be everything you'd hope for in a writing site. If you every have any questions, feel free to PM me. Also, I don't know if you've read our rating policy, but anything with the F*word needs to be rated R. Since I found this on the home page, I'm guessing you rated improperly.

Onto the crit.

Stepping out of his cabin, drunk, with shotgun in hand.

This isn't a complete sentence. Now I know about fragments and all that, but I'm sure this isn't what you were intending. Improper grammar can really hinder the enjoyement by the reader of your story, so I would make sure you go through this a few times and correct all the grammar problems. I'll point out some the major one, but be sure to go through yourself as well to fix everything else.

Watching the woods closely. His eyes, attempting to see in this blackened air.

More fragments.

He watched the woods closesly. His eyes attempted to see in this blackened air.

See, just change a few words around and everything becomes sparkly and coherent. ^_^

The man realizes abruptly that he is significantly out numbered. This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump.

This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump.

You literally wrote the same sentence twice. XD Sorry, couldn't resist. But seriously, if this is intentional, please change this. Repetition doesn't always work, especially when you're using a long-winded, awkwardly phrased sentence such as the one you have there.

Reaching inside he flips the switch for the porch light.

You constantly switch from present to past tense throughout this entire piece. Please try to keep it consisitent when you rewrite, as it's a real pain to read when this happens.

In the clearing before him stood an entire pack of wolves. An entire pack of wolves, and a man.

You already told us there's an entire pack of wolves. Now just tell us there's a man, without the second wolf introduction.

The man on the porch was awestruck by this sobering and fearful sight. Confused and worried by what the outcome of this night may be.

It's one thing to say he felt these things. Instead, show us he felt these things. You know, try to describe his physical responses to the scene (i.e sweating, stumbling back, etc.)

The wolf man placed his foot on the drunkards chest, and bent down so they were face to face.

"I'm sorry!" he cried. "I didn't know!"

You make it sound like the wolf man is saying this. Instead of the "he" in the dialouge, use the main characters name (does he have one?) so that we don't get confused.

The mans throat was ripped from his neck.

? Please, this is bordering on the ridiculous. No one can just cleanly rip another man's head off. That's just silly. And isn't his neck and throat the same thing? :/

You can still kill him off, sure, but maybe in a slightly more believable way?

Hope that helps!


[s]BlackGhost[/s]

Hey, welcome to YWS. Before we start, I want you to know I only read a bit of the other critique so don't be surprised if I repeat stuff. With that said, here we go.

The man realizes abruptly that he is significantly out numbered. This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump.
This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump.

You said "This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump" twice.

"The hell you want? You got no business here!"

I'd throw in the word "What" at the beginning of the first sentence. Even with his bad grammar, it doesn't sound right at all without it.

This enraged the man with the wolves, It was seen on his face.

You need a period after wolves instead of a comma.

Here's a couple other things I found:
1) This is in present tense, but at times you switch to the past tense that's commonly used. You'll have to choose one or the other (I'd suggest past sense (But I'm biased since I use it (Your choice)))
2) You described the wolf man quite well, but the wolves were simply describe as wolves, the man with the gun wasn't described, and the surroundings were only described as 'dark'.
3) At the beginning, you can call the man with the gun by name since it seams like it's from his point of view. You, me at times, and a lot of writers do what you did, but I find that it harms the fluidity of the piece if you can't call someone by name. The wolf man, however, is an exception since you need to choose a point of view for this part (Which I suggest be the guy with the gun). Also, the Wolf Man already sounds like a name, if not a title.

That's about all I found wrong with this piece. It was a good quick read, and did entertain, so good job. Keep it up.

Okay I am going to critique it so here goes, and also make sure you rate it R because you did use very strong language.

Stepping out of his cabin, drunk, with shotgun in hand.
Okay I really don't understand this sentance, maybe you should reword it differently. Something like He stepped out of his drunk and holding a shotgun.
"Yall fuckin' with the wrong house!" he yelled into the darkness of the surrounding forest.

He cocked the shotgun and a shell fell onto the porch floor.

Watching the woods closely. His eyes, attempting to see in this blackened air.
Thats a fragment of a sentance. And I the sentances don't make sense.

He hears occasional, sudden movements from every direction. He doesn't flinch, his drunkenness dulls his fear.

Leaves shake and rustle. Twigs snap in an echoing pulse through the forest.
You could connect these two sentances very nicely I think. Such as The leaves shake and rustle, twigs snap in an echoing pulse through the forest. See just use a comma instead of a period.

The man realizes abruptly that he is significantly out numbered. This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump.

This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump.
Okay you have already said this, I suggest you take this sentance out.

His hand reaches back towards the wall of his cabin, searching for the crack of the door.

Reaching inside he flips the switch for the porch light.

Quickly he turns again to see his threat. and what he sees is much more frightening than some mischievous teens.
Use a comma instead of a period. Otherwise I think this is a great sentance.
In the clearing before him stood an entire pack of wolves. An entire pack of wolves, and a man.
Okay again you repeat the same thing back to back. Don't do that. Just take it out.
This man stood in the dead center of the pack. no shirt, no shoes. only torn black shorts that were once long pants.
Use commas, not periods.

his hair was long and fell all around his face, and he glared at the man with the shotgun with the most piercing, burning glare.

The man on the porch was awestruck by this sobering and fearful sight. Confused and worried by what the outcome of this night may be.

He stuttered but was able to speak. "The hell you want? You got no business here!"

This enraged the man with the wolves, It was seen on his face. He filled his lung in a furious breathe.
Okay change breathe to breath.

The wolf man closed the gap between them in a single moment. the speed at which he moved off put the drunken man.
Capitilize and use the commas not just the periods!
He was able to fire a single shot but it was to no avail. The Wolf man struck the gun with his arm with devastating force.
Okay this sentance doesn't exactly make sense so try rewording it.
The gun was sent flying into the dark sky. The man stood shocked, completely dumbfounded. His fingers, twisted and broken by the blow.
Reword this one and shocked and dumbfounded mean the same thing so use only one of the words. The man stood completly shocked, his fingers were twisted and broken by the blow.

He fell backwards into his cabin, crawling back on his elbows.

His assailant stepped in, staring the man deeper into his state of dread.
I don't get this sentance.
"What the hell i got that you want? Ive never done a damn thing!"
I don't get this sentance either, change the punctation and capitilize your I.

The wolf man peered across the room. there he saw the days hunt. A gray wolf that the man had shot that day.

The man followed the others face to the table. Stricken with the reality that had befallen him, he began to beg for his life.

The wolf man placed his foot on the drunkards chest, and bent down so they were face to face.

"I'm sorry!" he cried. "I didn't know!"

The wolf mans eyes became increasingly furious and insane. A growl bellowed from deep in his chest. the growl of a wolf.

"please." the man whined.
Capitilize.
The wolf mans hand rest gently around the others neck.
Use the apostraphe.

"Please." he said again.

His grip tightened.

"Please!"

The mans throat was ripped from his neck.

Blood spurt onto the floor.

Gurgles were heard for a moment before this man bled out on his own floor for his violent act.

The wolves were gone now, and so was the carcass of the days hunt.

Okay I am going to critique it so here goes, and also make sure you rate it R because you did use very strong language.

Stepping out of his cabin, drunk, with shotgun in hand.
Okay I really don't understand this sentance, maybe you should reword it differently. Something like He stepped out of his drunk and holding a shotgun.
"Yall fuckin' with the wrong house!" he yelled into the darkness of the surrounding forest.

He cocked the shotgun and a shell fell onto the porch floor.

Watching the woods closely. His eyes, attempting to see in this blackened air.
Thats a fragment of a sentance. And I the sentances don't make sense.

He hears occasional, sudden movements from every direction. He doesn't flinch, his drunkenness dulls his fear.

Leaves shake and rustle. Twigs snap in an echoing pulse through the forest.
You could connect these two sentances very nicely I think. Such as The leaves shake and rustle, twigs snap in an echoing pulse through the forest. See just use a comma instead of a period.

The man realizes abruptly that he is significantly out numbered. This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump.

This startling drunken discovery causes him to literally jump.
Okay you have already said this, I suggest you take this sentance out.

His hand reaches back towards the wall of his cabin, searching for the crack of the door.

Reaching inside he flips the switch for the porch light.

Quickly he turns again to see his threat. and what he sees is much more frightening than some mischievous teens.
Use a comma instead of a period. Otherwise I think this is a great sentance.
In the clearing before him stood an entire pack of wolves. An entire pack of wolves, and a man.
Okay again you repeat the same thing back to back. Don't do that. Just take it out.
This man stood in the dead center of the pack. no shirt, no shoes. only torn black shorts that were once long pants.
Use commas, not periods.

his hair was long and fell all around his face, and he glared at the man with the shotgun with the most piercing, burning glare.

The man on the porch was awestruck by this sobering and fearful sight. Confused and worried by what the outcome of this night may be.

He stuttered but was able to speak. "The hell you want? You got no business here!"

This enraged the man with the wolves, It was seen on his face. He filled his lung in a furious breathe.
Okay change breathe to breath.

The wolf man closed the gap between them in a single moment. the speed at which he moved off put the drunken man.
Capitilize and use the commas not just the periods!
He was able to fire a single shot but it was to no avail. The Wolf man struck the gun with his arm with devastating force.
Okay this sentance doesn't exactly make sense so try rewording it.
The gun was sent flying into the dark sky. The man stood shocked, completely dumbfounded. His fingers, twisted and broken by the blow.
Reword this one and shocked and dumbfounded mean the same thing so use only one of the words. The man stood completly shocked, his fingers were twisted and broken by the blow.

He fell backwards into his cabin, crawling back on his elbows.

His assailant stepped in, staring the man deeper into his state of dread.
I don't get this sentance.
"What the hell i got that you want? Ive never done a damn thing!"
I don't get this sentance either, change the punctation and capitilize your I.

The wolf man peered across the room. there he saw the days hunt. A gray wolf that the man had shot that day.

The man followed the others face to the table. Stricken with the reality that had befallen him, he began to beg for his life.

The wolf man placed his foot on the drunkards chest, and bent down so they were face to face.

"I'm sorry!" he cried. "I didn't know!"

The wolf mans eyes became increasingly furious and insane. A growl bellowed from deep in his chest. the growl of a wolf.

"please." the man whined.
Capitilize.
The wolf mans hand rest gently around the others neck.
Use the apostraphe.

"Please." he said again.

His grip tightened.

"Please!"

The mans throat was ripped from his neck.

Blood spurt onto the floor.

Gurgles were heard for a moment before this man bled out on his own floor for his violent act.

The wolves were gone now, and so was the carcass of the days hunt.

Hi Armed--

First, the rules: One of such rules is that we require you to review more than you post--that is, for every new piece you post, we ask that you critique two pieces by other authors. Seeing as you have three of your own works posted, it looks like you're six reviews behind! That said, on to your story.

Nice scene! Short and sweet, with a clear beginning an end.

The thing that irked me most about it was the lack of consistency in your tenses. You open the story in the past tense ("He cocked the shotgun and a shell fell onto the porch floor."), then slide into present a bit later ("He hears occasional, sudden movements from every direction."), and back to past to close it up ("In the clearing before him stood an entire pack of wolves."). I would stick to past tense on this one, simply because it conveys action better than present tense, in my opinion.

There are a lot of very minor errors in your story; I think it would benefit from a thorough run-through, checking for missing apostrophes, incorrect verb forms, and the like. Everything is very small, nothing terribly detrimental to the story itself.

On a slightly more subjective note, I agree with Ghost in that you should describe the wolf pack, the hunter, and the setting more clearly, even if it's rather dark. Describing the hunter will give us a clearer image in our minds when we're reading, and will likely invoke a stronger emotional response to the danger he's in and his ultimate death at the end of the story. Describing the wolves--how many there are, their demeanor, etc--will give us a better sense of just how much danger the man has gotten himself into.

Food for thought! Let me know via PM if you have any questions for me about this critique or YWS in general.

Welcome.

--Hunter

Welcome to the Young Writers Society !

I hope this place will be what you've been looking for in a writer's website PM me if there's anything you're not sure about, or don't understand regarding rules, or how things generally work around here. You've got to rate this R, and review 2 pieces of work by other people (should've done so before you posted anything, really, but you can always catch up now.) because there's a 2:1 review:posting ratio.

Alright, on to the story. It was a nice, short scene, and I liked it. The concept was awesome, with the wolf-man mutant

Here's some suggestions on how to improve your work. Do not be discouraged by anything I say, because, by all means, I think you should keep writing. It's a website for improving your work, so I try to give as much food for thought as I can.

What happened to paragraphs?
Your story is good, and overall I enjoyed reading it, but you should really work on the format. Paragraphs aren’t optional, they’re mandatory, you NEED them. This one line after one line format you’ve got going is less easy to read, and tends to put some people off from reading it. Format is nearly as important as good writing.

Dear old description.
You’ve got to work on the SHOW DON’T TELL theme, and throw in some description here and there. What is he wearing? Is it cold outside? Is it a humid summer night? Where’s the moonlight, the stars? Is it cloudy? Is the shotgun heavy, slipping from his weakened hands? Is the alcohol numbing his thoughts down to simplicity? Elaborate more on your character, because we don’t know him, or his atmosphere, very well.

Who is he, really?
Your character is basically a man, of some adult age, who drinks, has a gun, and owns a house in the woods with a porch. That’s the extent of our knowledge. Try to tell us more. Does he have a beer belly? Big muscles? Stubble beard? Is he sweating? There’s a lot you can work into your story to improve it quite easily. There are plenty of sentences you have that can be improved by a single word or phrase.

CaPiTaL lEtTeRs!!
You have a tendency to forget to capitalize the first word of sentences. Try to pay attention to this, it makes you look unprofessional. Its simple things like that that help shape people’s opinions of your work, and they’re easily improved. If you’re writing in a word document, do not ignore the green squiggly lines that underline some words. Right click on them and solve the problem!

There's more in the attachment. Let me know if there's a problem opening it, it happens sometimes.

PM me for anything!

XxxDo