Young Writers Society

English docks. 2167 AD. 11:51 Pm

Vyper hung from the chain, overlooking the cargo dock. He concentrated hard. He could feel his gun in his holster, in danger of falling if he tipped too far. Where was the sound of that insanely annoying voice? That high pitched weasel Hawkshire should be making sure not the slightest ant got within ten meters. The coward. Vyper jumped off the chain, and fell thirty feet before landing behind a wall. Being a half Sinefesh had it's advantages. The Sinefesh were a race of creatures that were the cousins of vampires. Full sinafesh were three metres tall and could take the form of demons. They could walk up walls and breathe fire.

The best talent? They could fly.

Their forms were almost invincible, due to enhanced healing abilities, but they hated light. Vyper was only half Sinefesh, but was very powerful already. He was brought out of his thoughts by a hammer of a gun being pulled back, twelve inches from his ear. He snatched the gun whilst ducking and sending a kick into the crotch of his attacker. The man wailed in pain and fell. He pointed the gun at the kneeling man's head, pulled up grabbed his chin and pulled up his face and leaned down, nose to nose with his assailant. The man looked up.
"Never do that unless your victim is blind and deaf. Things like that might happen. Can't you kill a man? Jeez," Vyper almost shouted into his face. The man was almost crying in either pain or fear. "How old are you? Twenty? Thirty? Loads of time left in your life. So don't work for idiots like Hawkshire. Next time i see you, you die. Quit this idiocy and start something like stamp collecting. something where the family jewels don't get smashed." The man nodded and stumbled off. Vyper watched him, tempted to shoot him for his stupidity alone. Then he heard gunshots. He counted five. This meant hawkshire. Who would choose him as a successful drug runner? He sprinted to the noise to see a man walk off. Bodies were on the ground. He rolled over one with a knife in it's shoulder blades, and saw hawkshires eyes looking up, as if made of glass. He stabbed on to make sure. A thick liquid, gloopy and sticky, spurted up. yep. real. someone had taken his kill. HIS KILL. That was just not fair. He picked up the body, ripped off the head and threw the head into the sea. He hurled the body through a cargo hold. Smashing through, it exploded into pices of red, bloody gore. lovely. Vyper walked slowly. He decided to take the credit and the money anyway. Being an assassin was a tough job, but someone had to do it.

Read-as-I-go comments:

England docks. 2167 AD. 11:51 Pm

I think you should reconsider some punctuations in this opening. And is the setting really called 'England docks'? Or is it a dock in England, in another words, an English dock?

he concentrated hard. he could feel his gun in his holster.

Where are the capitalizations of the first word of the sentence?

they could walk up walls and breathe fire. and they could fly.

I think that should be merged as one sentences.

~~~

So far, your sentences are very choppy, I suggest using a variety of structures to create more interest.

~~~

"Never do that unless your victim is blind and deaf. otherwise that will happen. can't you kill a man? jeez," Vyper almost shouted. the man was almost crying in either pain or fear. "How old are you? twenty? thirty? loads of time left in your life. don't work for idiots like Hawkshire. tonight, you live. next time you die. quit and start something like stamp collecting."

AH! Who's saying what? Break dialogues into different paragraphs unless you have the skills of Jonathan Safran Foer. D:

he counted five. this meant hawkshire. who would choose him as a successful drug runner? he sprinted to the noise to see a man walk off. bodies were on the ground. he rolled over one with a knife in it's shoulder blades, and saw hawkshires eyes looking up, as if made of glass. he stabbed on to make sure. a thick liquid spurted up. yep. real. someone had taken his kill. HIS KILL. that was just not fair. he picked up the body, ripped of the head and threw the head into the sea. he hurled the body through a cargo hold. it smashed through and exploded into pices of red, bloody gore. lovely. Vyper walked slowly. he decided to take the credit and the money anyway. being an assassin was a tough job, but someone had to do it.

That sounded like a rambling of many ideas into one giant chunk of text. Consider breaking it apart and pace it more slowly.

~~~

Overall, there are lots of grammar things you need to fix. Of course, that's up to your own editing. Try to grow a habit of proofreading, it saves time for the reviewer and also for yourself.

Secondly, don't throw all your wonderful ideas into a mumble jumble of walls of texts. Give some depth to it. Give some time for everything to happen naturally. So far, your story was all 'this happened, that happened...' We don't even know why your character was there, nor do we know how he feels. So expand on your ideas!

Thirdly, break up your thoughts into paragraphs!

Well, good luck.

The first thing I noticed right off the bat was there was absolutely no capitalization in the beginning of the sentence. Seriously, dude.

You could write this masterpiece. Just a brilliant story. It could be publish worthy. No one is going to care about the story if it doesn't have good grammar. Listen to your school teachers. They know what they are talking about when they say capitalize the first letter of the sentence.

You need to go back and do that. I am not going to take this story seriously until the capitalization is done. You are 13, I know that, but still. Didn't you use a spell and grammar checker? It would've caught all of those mistakes. If not, then use one. It will save you LOADS of time and effort.

Vyper jumped off the chain, and fell 30 feet before landing behind a wall.

Write out the word 'thirty'. The actual number 30 looks slight amateurish. That's not good.

I like the plot you have going here. Don't let this critique get you down -- it's only one guy's opinion. But really, before you do anything else, please go back and capitalize the first letter in every sentence. It will make a world's difference in this piece.

Good luck.

-Jared

Hey Arek! I will be your little friendly reviewer...

Capitalization is Key
You must, MUST, capitalize at the start of every sentence. It's part of those things that make a writer a good writer. It's necessary.

Vyper was only half sinefesh

If that's a race,it should be capitalized.

Paragraphs
Paragraphs start when you change focus, topic, description, all that. Your problem here is that you have these major block paragraphs or "text walls" that are very deterring to the reader. Try to split these up into smaller paragraphs, according to what I told you paragraphs are.

HIS KILL.

Don't capitalize like this, italicize.

You need to rewrite this with basic grammar rules applied. I hope to see you post again - PM me if you have questions!

~ Clo

Hi
This has potential to turn into a really great story, but i do think that you might need to break your paragraphs down a little bit more, and in some places like

"Never do that unless your victim is blind and deaf. things like that could happen"

you need to put capitals letters (...deaf. Things like....)
But its good!