Young Writers Society

Yeah, yeah, I know that this forum doesn't encourage introductions, but I'm afraid this needs one. You see, this isn't my work. When a member of my forum wanted to join the fantasy rpg I run, I asked her/him to write a sample piece. I got this amazing piece. With the permission of the author, I am showing it to you. I hope you like it.

*******************************************

she stared at her sword before entering the building. would she find the person who killed her family?

she fronwed as she placed her hand on the hilt staring into the fogged up windows as the wind blew snow around her. though her cloack hide her well, a string of purple hair managed to escape from under her wide brimed hat. she had lots of purple hair… it came from her mothers side of the family… she could still see her mothers dead eyes, glssed over as her severed head sat in a pool of blood…

her father’s side was where Anakiru got her magical, sparkling, silver eyes, for that was what the girls name was: Anakiru. her father, Hikago, was her best friend… before she found him laying dead along with her 12 siblings. Anakiru wished she had never left her families side that day… she could have saved them.

her eyes were not sparling when she busted into the tavern. she knew how to kill, and she was expected to use her skill against her families betrayer. Anakiru was sure to find him in this tavern. ever ready to fight, she took off her cloack, revealing her form, thin and strong clasted tightly in black leather outfit. this was not the attention Anakiru wanted… the person closet to her licked his green lips Anariku recognised him from before, his name was Jungu. she would kill him later, but now he might be useful. Anariku, walking up to Jungu, asking,

“have you seen lun here?” Jungu laughed cruely licking his green lips again and petting her on the leather costume on her arm. Jungu was knonw to favor any pretty oprhan girl: as a space pirate it was his dutry for most of his shipments to pick up and abuse at least one while crossing the galaxy.

“he has not been here for two days, and i have not seen him.” He said. A gust of win blew past Anariku, blowing her purple hair high up towards the ceiling. turning quickly she looked and squinting she turned back to Jungu.

“you lie.” She said as she sliced Jungu in half. *laughs* Anariku had used her favorite sword to kill him, the one that her eldest brother Kelmitso had given her. her other siblings had also each given her a sword, but Kelmitso, the warrior had given her the lightest sword. She was afraid to take Kelmisto’s place as a warrior, but she would do it she would avenge2 her family. she would use her fathers sword to kill the betrayer.

Lun. *thinks* I had been in love with you, how could you betray me? We felt so in love, but you turned it upsidedown. You will pay for this betrayal lover. *growl*

as she walked away from the body of Jungu, she looked up onto the second story balcony towards the bedrooms for the brothell. just as she did, she spotted Lun coming out of the room, his brown hair messy he was buttoning his shirt. In a spilt second Anariku had thrown a sword at him… but ducking it by inches Lun survived killing another person behind him. in the other half a second Lun had too thrown something at her… a black orb: a bomb!

there was a loud explosin as Lun broke through a window upstairs flying into snow.

“lol!” He said.

he had escaped. but was Anakiru still alive?

You've definitely got a basic understanding of Japanese culture. It shows through the way the characters behave, and the way the story starts. Most of your narrative was pretty good. The sentence structure was fairly pleasing to the ear, and you made good choices in your diction.

However, I thought you could have slowed the pace a little. It seemed to start up a little two quickly, especially your first paragraph. You could give us some more details about who this person is and the world he is in. Not in expositionary paragraphs, necessarily, but just have these details exist and leak in to the narrative of the story.

It wasn't very easy to read because of the lack of proper grammar, though. Capital letters are needed at the beginning of sentences, not needed in the pronouns in dialogue sentences outside the quotation marks. So "you lie." He said becomes "You lie," he said. (Though you can use a ! depending on how the character says it.)

By the way, if you want all the characters names to sound Japanese, Lun needs to changed Run, and Kelmitso, as good a name as that sounds, needs to be changed to Kerumitsu. The letter L doesn't exist in Japanese, though the way they pronouce R's, they can sometimes sound like L's, and ts is never followed by any vowel other than U.

And for your amusement, here are the meanings of your characters names, if you weren't already aware of that:

Anakiru: to cut a hole
Hikago: a serene elegy (well, not exactly, but close enough)
Jungu(ri): in turn; order
Run(gu):lung
Kerumitsu: to kick a mystery (again, not exactly, but sort of)

This needs a little work, but by a little I mean it needs to be hit by a sledgehammer a couple times before being put through a paper shredder, where it's remains will be crumbled into a ball, thrown out the window, and land in the sewer where it can decompose in peace with the rest of its family. Then the writer will hurl herself off a cliff without her most prized posession: this story. And she's going to jump without a helmet cuz it would be safe otherwise.

That is, if it's a serious story.

If not, it's the most beautiful thing I have ever written. The shear longing for yesteryears of Anakiru is written poinientlyg (sp?—. "I think it has a "g" in it."- Snoink) as she confronts the depths of her soul with the search of the man who murdered the entirerty of her family. It is certain that she will go on searching until she finds this man: even as a crippled old lady. By then of course, every dang sword that she has recieved from her brothers, fathers, sisters, great-aunts, and pet cats will hang off the sides of her wheelchair as she rolls after— REVENGE! SWEET REVENGE!

With this knowledge—(but is Anakiru still alive?) we know that her character will eventually grow and have a sequel.

Lmao. I like you Sgt. Salt, that was an amusing post!
There are definite grammar problems though, snoink, you should fix that up.

I seem to remember this being written as an example of what NOT to do.

If this were real life, I'd be tearing my hair out and using it to make a new rug. Seeing as this was made as an example of absurdity, my hair is secure.

Until the next critique...

JigSaw wrote:There are definite grammar problems though, snoink, you should fix that up.

Grammar problems? Nah... this is perfect.

Snoink wrote:

JigSaw wrote:There are definite grammar problems though, snoink, you should fix that up.

Grammar problems? Nah... this is perfect.

Blasphemy! *Grabs torches*

Choppy.

And I will assume griff is telling the truth about "what NOT to do"