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Masked Blood



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Sat Sep 13, 2008 2:04 pm
Dr. Tick Tock says...



Before I begin, a little introduction speech.

First of all, I wasn't really sure where to put this, so I put it here. It seemed to match the best. Second, if you know me (which few of you do, at this moment), you'll know I have a pretty formal way of talking. However, my writing tends to be completely different. It's much simpler, and less Shakespearian (as my friend calls my choice of speaking- it really isn't Shakespearian but she is sitting right beside me and is terribly joyous that I used "her word"). And, third, this story is one of the first chapter novels I've tried writing in a long, long time. So any help at all would be wonderful! I'm hoping to one day publish this story, as I'm already attached to the characters and I enjoy writing them.

Thank you, and I hope you enjoy "Masked Blood".
~Doctor



Chapter One
He wasn’t my father. He told me from the beginning that I wasn’t his real child; I wasn’t anyone’s child. I was a genetically mutated fetus from a test tube, experimented on to come out the way the other scientists wanted. I hadn’t come out right, though, which is why they still experimented. My intelligence level was higher than they expected, which has its pros and cons, but they had not intended for me to grow two extra eyes below my normal set.
Father cared for me, though. He fed me and bathed me and told me stories to make me fall asleep. Sometimes he hurt me, when he gave me shots of strange fluid, or took my blood. He said it was for the benefit of the ‘others’, and myself. I wanted to know who ‘the others’ were, but he would not say. I did not question further.

I remember the night clearly, sitting on my bed and staring at the barred window. The voices outside the door seemed unusually loud for a conversation that was meant to be quiet.
“Are the others dead?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
Father knocked on the door, something he always did. And, as he always did, he came in without waiting for my reply. I was eleven, then. He had a needle, which I was used to, but this one filled with a liquid unfamiliar to me. And I didn’t like the strange look Father was giving me.
“Lucas,” he said.
“I heard your conversation,” I told him emotionlessly.
“Lucas,” he repeated, this time in surprise.
“You killed the others.”
“You don’t know what that was about.”
“I am not stupid.”
He frowned. “Of course not. I never said you were. This is just another test we have to do.”
“I do not want to die.”
“You won’t.”
He was simply telling lies now- it was too obvious to miss. I pretended to play along. I tilted my head and narrowed my eyes. “Do you promise?”
“Of course. Why would I kill you, Luke? I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I choked on the words, but got them out smoothly. I held out my arm dutifully and he stepped towards me, taking my wrist.
“It will make you sleepy. You’ll just sleep for a little bit, that’s all.” He pressed the needle to the blue vein showing prominently under my pale flesh.
It was so easy it was almost fun. I grabbed the shot from his hand and with one quick movement stabbed it through his chest and injected it. Maybe it missed the heart; I don’t know. But he fell down, either way, his eyes rolling back and his mouth still open to let out the scream that was too late in coming to come at all.
I stepped over his body and crept out the door.
He had never been my father.

Now I just needed a plan to escape. I could think of nothing, but I knew I had limited time until someone found the body, so I dashed as quickly as I could between shadows and empty hallways, making my way towards what I hoped was the entrance. I had walked the halls several times, but always with an escort who kept a tight grip on both of my wrists. It was nerve-racking to be wandering the halls alone.
There was a shout from the other end of the lab, faint but loud enough to hear the tone of shock. I didn’t hesitate; it was my cue to start bolting- and I made it pretty far before I was noticed.
“Hey, you!” It was only one scientist. He was too fat to do much except lumber after me like an over-sized penguin, but I picked up speed anyway, ignoring his shouts for help. Now I didn’t bother avoiding occupied hallways; I dashed through whichever hallway was more convenient, filled or not. It was easy to dodge the outstretched hands, as everyone’s moves were so predictable that it was simply a matter of ducking and dodging.
I finally spotted the entrance, which I had only seen once several years ago. It looked the same, however, and no one had locked it yet, which they should have if they knew one of their precious experiments was loose. I burst through and kept running, my breath dry and rough against the back of my throat. I didn’t stop, nor did I think of stopping until I was out of the woods surrounding the lab and on the other side of town. I slowed, hiding in the shade of a tree, and leaned against my knees, panting. My heart beat wildly, and I felt dizzy and dehydrated, but I gripped my knees tighter and grinned through my heavy exhales. I was free. I was free.

I wandered along the edge of the woods, making my way between towns. My legs were sore and shaking, but I kept walking, struggling to get away completely. I finally collapsed on a park bench early in the morning, several towns from the lab, and blacked out.
When I awoke, a woman was talking to me.
“Hello? Little boy? Are you lost?”
I sat upright, blinking my eyes open groggily and turning to look at the lady. Her clothing was strange and colorful- nothing like the white coats and suits the scientists wore.
She froze on the spot, staring at my face with her mouth still open to say something else. For a second I was confused, and then I remember my mutation. I was a monster to these people.
The woman stumbled back, a look of horror and fear on her face. And then she froze again, looking expectant, as if knowing I was going to jump up and eat her and she was just waiting for me to make the move. Instead I covered my face with my hands and jumped off the bench, darting further into town- which wasn’t exactly a smart move. No one paid much attention to the boy darting through the crowd, however, and I made it safely to a back alleyway.
It stunk of trash and a scent unfamiliar to me at the time, but which I later discovered was the obvious scent of animal droppings. I curled up against one of the brick walls, feeling nauseous and overwhelmed. How could I walk around with an extra set of eyes? I’d be slaughtered.
Some sadistic god was on my side; as I was thinking this something slid from the top of the trash can by the entrance of the alley and lightly fell to the cement. At first I was uninterested in it; but when some light was thrown upon it, a thin white line ran across its surface.
I must sheepishly admit my interest in shiny objects was the only reason I crawled forward and lifted the fallen item up from its area.
A plastic mask, still in perfect shape. It was plain black, and obviously made for a kid. I gently covered my face with it. The only things it exposed from my face were my top eyes. I pulled the elastic string over my head and slipped out into the streets again.
No one looked twice at the little boy with a mask on. They knew better than to question children antics. I smiled to myself as I strolled through the streets at my leisure, taking in the different people and clothes. Most of them were Caucasian or African American, and they all wore colorful clothes. I slipped easily through the crowd, finding my way back to the park. The woman I had frightened was gone, and I sat down on the same bench I had woken up from. I didn’t worry about the lady; if she said anything, people would think she was just a nut case, but I figured she’d most likely keep the experience to herself.
I stood up again when I spotted a forest trail that looked vacant and not well traveled, and I started down it. It was only several minutes until I came upon a pond like I knew I would- most trails lead to some sort of water. Kneeling down in the muddy banks, I stared into my reflection. The mask fit almost perfectly, if it wasn’t just slightly too large for my thin face. Still, it was sturdy enough to last me a while. I could find another shop with better masks after I got sick of this one. It was plastic, after all, and it was entirely black, which was a good color, but too boring for my taste. I liked intricate designs like those on the book covers Father would sometimes bring in and read to me. He couldn’t any more, of course, which I knew I would sorely miss until I could somehow obtain a book of my own to read.
I stood up and made my way back into the town.

A quick study of the people gave me enough information to guess my future options. As at the lab and in the books I read, adults had the most power. Elders were grudgingly respected, but not well listened to, and children were under the whim of their older companions. So finding someplace to stay was out of my choices- I was not in the right circumstance to chance trusting the adults, who in all their indulgence and pride didn’t realize how close minded and stupid they really were.
As for the children, I had never associated with kids my age, or even close to it, so I didn’t dare go near them until I had studied them further.
All this led to one conclusion: I was alone.
Last edited by Dr. Tick Tock on Sun Sep 21, 2008 6:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Sat Sep 13, 2008 10:16 pm
Prokaryote says...



Hi Doctor! :)

I hadn’t come out right, though, which is why they still experimented[s], Father told me.[/s]


You can cut that part out safely.

*

“Are the others dead?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”


Perhaps you could make this a tad more clear; I only realized when his father came in that he had been eavesdropping.

*

I held out my arm, and he stepped towards me...


... escort, who kept a tight grip on both of my wrists.


I made it pretty far, before I was noticed.


I burst through, and kept running


Her clothing was strange, and colorful.


You can ax those commas.

*

... too late in coming to come at all.


This... sounds good at first but it doesn't actually make sense.

*

It was only one scientist, who was too fat to do much except lumber after me like an over-sized penguin.


I would make it like this:

It was only one scientist. He was too fat to do much except lumber after me like an over-sized penguin.


The penguin description is great.

*

I picked up speed either way...


Either way...? What?

*

I didn’t stop, I didn’t think of stopping until I was out of the woods surrounding the lab, and on the other side of town.


Make that first comma a semicolon and kill the second one.

*

A black plastic mask, still in perfect shape. It was plain black...


Only mention the mask's colour once to avoid that nasty repetition. I'd cut out the first "black" and call it good.

*

Some suggestions/comments:

Slow down. Breathe. Not every sentence needs two commas; not every sentence needs one comma. Variety is spicy. The section where he's escaping? Not very suspenseful -- every sentence seems to have the same length and structure. Suspense is sharp and pointed; don't be afraid to make your paragraphs and sentences shorter to accommodate this.

Your dialogue is good. It's to the point and not burdened by excessive tags. You give us enough description to imagine what the characters are feeling without slowing down the actual conversation. Thumbs up.

Lucas seems terribly unperturbed. Is he meant to be emotionless? I get that feeling, but I'm not sure how I feel about the main character being a stoic throughout the whole story. Since this is in the first-person, we can only see the world through his eyes. If he's boring, the reader will probably get bored, too.

"Though" and "however." Keep an eye on your usage of these. Too many and they quickly become irritating.

*

Overall: I'm curious to know where you're going with this! Unfortunately there's not much character development in this chapter, and I'm hoping there'll be more ahead; but you started with action, which is a good hook. Aside from the few annoyances I mentioned, I do like your "simple" writing style. I'd say in terms of description you could toss in a few more metaphors and similes, things to add some colour -- I loved the penguin bit. ;)

PM me when you post the second chapter, yes? ^_^

Prokaryote
  





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Sun Sep 14, 2008 3:17 pm
Dr. Tick Tock says...



Thank you, Pork! That's actually the first official critique I've ever gotten. It really opens your eyes, doesn't it?

I'll fix all those errors you pointed out.

... too late in coming to come at all.

This does make sense if you think about it. The "father's" scream came too late, so it didn't come at all. Perhaps it just makes sense in my own malformed mind. I'll try to fix it.

A black plastic mask, still in perfect shape. It was plain black...

Of all the times I reread this, I never once noticed that! Thank you for pointing it out ^ ^. I'll be sure to fix it.

Commas-
I do have quite a usage of commas; I've never realized that before. I'll be sure to keep a future lookout for any overloads.

"Though" and "however"-
I use these a lot in my real life conversations as well. A bad habit, I suppose. All those years of teachers drilling sentence-connecting-words into your head. Will fix.

Emotionless Lucas-
Actually, yes, he is supposed to be emotionless. Scientists never really show emotion, so neither did he those first years of his life. The only way he knew emotion was through those books he read. In the next chapter (which is later in his life) you'll find more emotion.

Well! I'm off to edit! Thank you, again, for the critique, My Porky! I give you virtual cookies.

~Doctor
  





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Thu Sep 18, 2008 1:51 am
Livinginfantasy says...



INTRODUCTION
Hey Doc! It's Fantasy, and as promised, I've come to review a piece of yours. As you can see, I've separated this into seperate parts... It's what I usually do when I feel like giving an in-depth review. I don't have clever titles like some other members (I wish I did!), but I guess the basics will do, eh?

NITPICKS
Prok has some points that I agree with, but I only glanced at his post so forgive me if I repeat anything.

He had never been my father.

Escaping was a bit more challenging, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I knew I had limited time until someone found the body, so I dashed as quickly as I could between shadows and empty hallways, making my way towards what I hoped was the entrance. I had walked the halls several times, but always with an escort who kept a tight grip on both of my wrists. It was nerve-racking to be wandering the halls alone.

What an odd transition. I feel that there should be some text between these two paragraphs. Jumping from the stabbing and Lucas escaping like that can get disorienting.

I finally spotted the entrance, which I had only ever seen once before, and several years ago.

At first I didn't get this. I think it will read better as: I finally spotted the entrance, which I had only seen once several years ago.

I was free. I was free.

I don't like this being added to that paragraph. It doesn't sound right. Perhaps make these sentences their own paragraph?

I wandered along the edge of the woods, making my way between towns. My legs were sore and shaking profusely,

Profusely? Uhhh... that isn't a strong adjective here. It doesn't fit, actually. When I hear that word, I think sweat or extraneous. Maybe try another word or just cutting that out.

I wandered along the edge of the woods, making my way between towns. My legs were sore and shaking profusely, but I kept walking, struggling to get away completely. I finally collapsed on a park bench early in the morning, several towns from the lab, and blacked out.

I woke up towards the evening, a woman talking to me.

Another example of your disorienting transition. Some text needs to between these paragraphs; make the transition smoother.

Some sadistic god was on my side; as I was thinking this something slid from the top of the trash can by the entrance of the alley and lightly fell to the cement.

Haha! I really liked this bit. Sadistic god just sounds so fitting right now.

No one looked twice at the little boy with a mask on. They knew better than to question children antics. I smiled to myself as I strolled through the streets at my leisure, taking in the different people and clothes. Most of them were Caucasian or African American, and they all wore colorful clothes. I slipped easily through the crowd, finding my way back to the park. The woman I had frightened was gone, and I made my way to one of the forest trails. I didn’t worry about her; if she said anything, people would think she was just a nutcase, but I figured she’d most likely keep the experience to herself.

I came upon a pond like I knew I would- most trails lead to some sort of water. Kneeling down in the muddy banks, I stared into my reflection. The mask fit almost perfectly, if it wasn’t just slightly too large for my thin face. Still, it was sturdy enough to last me a while. I could find another shop with better masks after I got sick of this one. It was plastic, after all, and it was entirely black, which was a good color, but too boring for my taste. I liked intricate designs like those on the book covers Father would sometimes bring in and read to me. He couldn’t any more, of course, which I knew I would sorely miss until I could somehow obtain a book of my own to read.

Odd Transition! And trails? What trails? You've never mentioned trails before!

TIPS
Yes, Prok is right... Variety is something you are lacking big time my friend. Mix it up, please! Fragments are okay when used correctly and effectively, and commas don't need to always be there. There are other types of punctuation. Not saying that you should cram them all into one story, but you get what I mean.

Which brings me to my second point. Before you posted this, did you read it aloud to yourself or someone else? If not, you should start. Doing that can help you spot mistakes and odd phrases/wording.

Which bring me to my third and final point. Work on your transitions. You jump from place to place. Throughout a story (or any piece of writing for that matter), everything needs to run smoothly. Unless it adds to the story, then go ahead and do it. But that doesn't apply here.

OVERALL
An interesting story I must say. But it's a little too bland. There needs to be some color in here. All it is right now is black and white.
Will there be more? If so, I have to read it. I must see how Lucas deals with this. I like his lack of emotion. But, you do need to add something to keep readers interested. Maybe another character? I dunno, do as you please.

CLOSURE
Brought to you by LIF. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'm sure I've made some typos or didn't really explain something fully.

Oh, and one more thing... from what I see, your writing does kinda fit into the science fiction category. Well not kinda. It does fit into the science fiction category.
*runs before she pops a blood vessel*
  





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Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:38 pm
SIC says...



Ehh whatsup doc?
Nice story you wrote here. Honestly I am impressed. I do sort of like how it starts out sort of in the middle so the story unravels as you go, so its not easy to guess in the begining. The only thing I really didn't like about it was the massive spaces between quotes, and not making it clear who is talking, and when.
one particular part I dont like is
I remember the night clearly, sitting on my bed and staring at the barred window.

“Are the others dead?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”


It makes the reader think that the one sitting at the barred window (lucas) is asking if the others are dead, rather than that he is eavesdropping.

“Lucas,” he said.

“I heard your conversation,” I told him emotionlessly.

“Lucas,” he repeated, this time in surprise.

“You killed the others.”

“You don’t know what that was about.”

“I am not stupid.”

He frowned. “Of course not. I never said you were. This is just another test we have to do.”

“I do not want to die.”

“You won’t.”


I espicially like this part because it sounds like something that would really be said in the situatuion.
AFTERMATH
It was an impressive story and can't wait to read more of your work.
You should feel special, because this is the only story i've really gone "in depth" with while reviewing. Im glad I found this, and I cant wait for the next chapter.
Good luck and hapy writing!
~SIC
A.K.A. The random kid who has an extremely weird obsession with Mindless Self indulgeence but better known as SIC other wise.
  





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Sun Sep 21, 2008 6:24 pm
Dr. Tick Tock says...



I edited and posted Chapter One again for you guys, if you want to bother rereading it. I spent most of the morning reading, rereading, and editing minuscule problems. Feel free to critique this one as well! All your critiquing definitely helped me, and I give all of you my gratitude for giving my story your time! The second chapter will be up soon, I hope. I just have to finish a few more paragraphs from it.
  





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Sun Sep 28, 2008 8:02 pm
$luckylucas$ says...



This is a really interesting idea. It belongs more in sci fi, but I like the mutated aspect to Lucas. You should describe the mutation in Lucas a little bit more--other than the four eyes, is he a regular human? Maybe you could go into more detail in chp 2, which I want to read.
When Lucas escaped you wrote that he went through several towns and wound up falling asleep "several towns from the lab." I have a hard time imaging a little boy making his way so far at night time, and its not very realistic. Perhaps you could write that he walked past one small town, or maybe found a way of transportation to this town, but saying that he walked so far isn't convincing.
You used the semicolon ; too much. It's a punctuation that should only be used when absolutely necessary--commas and periods work better.
Other than these small things you did a very good job writing it, and the actual story plot is much better than most that I've read lately.
  








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