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Vyper: soulless



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Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:38 pm
Arekkusu says...



Vyper walked through the woods, brushing off flies. Stupid Germany. Why did he have to be in the forest with the most bugs in Germany?
Crack. A twig snapped behind him. He spun, raised his gun, and aimed it behind him. He saw a flash of a dark coat, which disappeared behind a tree. He ran to the tree, and, rounding the corner, he looked where he was sure a figure had been before. He looked up, as leaves fell into his face. He aimed up and shot a few bullets into the thick shrubbery at the top. Nothing happened. Unfortunately, he didn't see the drop of blood, escaping from the suppressed flow, fall to the ground. But the sound of it hit the floor, and found it's way into the hearing of Vyper's Sinefesh ears. He spun, and shot bullets into the top of the tree, one, two, three, four, five times. This time a small movement caught his eye, amidst the small trickle of blood that desended upon him. What creature could take that many shots and move so slowly, without a cry of pain? Then it hit him, and Vyper saw a blur as he shot backward and hit another tree. He looiked up sharply as a black clad figure touched the ground gently. Oh, ****. He should of guessed. Another sinafesh. He had been called back to the elders to prepare for war against the Werewolves, but had refused to go, becuase, when he left the Elders at fifteen years old, he had been garunteed the freedom of life before returning at twenty- five. He had refused to return early, as he had been ordered by the elder to return three weeks previously by his father, the head Sinefesh, to return to his seat on the council. After refusing, the Elder had sent Sinefesh to capture him, and he had maimed them. He now started to regret that choice, as he stared at the creature towering above him. The man's face was covered by a gas mask.
"VYper." The voice was harsh and gravelly, but that might have been the mask.
"Hello," Vyper replied calmly, "And who the hell might you be? Have we met? I hope we haven't. I hit the people i meet under circumstances like this."
"I have been sent by a higher power."
"Hmm, was it Vlad Dracul? Stupid idiot." This person was annoying him now, Vyper thought.
"I answer to no man."
"Good. But i'm a Sinefesh, Not a man. So tell me if we've met." the man stayed silent. "Are you ugly?" Vyper enquired "Lets see your face." The man started walking round the patch of land, and Vyper mimicked him, always keeping opposite.
The man Removed his mask. Underneath was a white face, with eyes of fire, the mark of a full Sinefesh. There was a diagonal scar running down his face, from his left eye, which was sewn shut, down to his chin. THe weapon that did it must of been silver, otherwise it would have healed, however recent. Then Vyper remembered.
"Vice." he uttered, and, drawing a silver knife in a pouch on his leg, Vyper charged.

Vice met his knife with one of his own, and stabbed at Vyper. Pulling out of the way, Vyper spun his and hacked at Vice's head. Vice knocked it aside with his arm, and sliced at Vyper's stomach. Vyper let himself fall back, just dodging, and kicked up. Vice roared and bent over, as Vyper heaved forward and, spinning it so the blade was down, stabbed, aiming to catch vice in the back of the head. Vice punched him and Vyper drew back, as they circled each other once more. Vice had tried to stop Vyper leaving at fifteen. It just so happened Vyper had been holding a silver signature sword, and had spun round, Cutting open Vice's face. He hadn't met him again until now. Charging again, Vyper cut at the flesh of Vice's neck, but Vice ducked out of the way just in time. Vice jumped forward and kicked Vyper, who once again went flying back and hit a tree. Feeling faint, Vyper looked up as Vice attacked, going in for the kill...



-Arekkusu
Last edited by Arekkusu on Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I dont help people on work. Then, if it sucks, i don't get blamed. Haha people. Haha
  





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Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:54 pm
thatannagirl says...



First off, I don't want to spend my time critiquing rubbish. Period. This isn't rubbish; it has a potential to be a decent beginning.

Grammar nitpicking:

a twig snapped behind him

Capitalize.

He looked up, as leaves fell into his face

Edit out the comma.

Hmm.

This just seems unnecessary.

Turning to continue
I would phrase this differently.

shot bullets inot the top of the tree

into

one, two, three, four, five.

Maybe you can add "times" to the end of this to avoid confusion.

Vyper saw a blurr asa he

blur & as

He looiked up sharply

looked

sinafesh

Should this be capitalized if they're a breed or race?

refused to go, becuase, when

because

But i'm a Sinefesh

I'm

The man Removed his mask

Should that be capitalized?

THe weapon that did it must of been silver

The

Cutting open Vice's face

cutting

Also, you should work on placement of your periods. Reread it out loud and see where natural pauses are.

Now for the plot/storyline:

Vice had tried to stop Vyper leaving at fifteen.

You don't explain this at all. Stop him from doing what? Maybe he can have a flashback.

Anyway, don't give up, and next time maybe do spell check. :wink: Interesting story; it makes me want to read more.
Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~E.L. Doctorow
  





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Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:35 am
Cobra says...



Right, this has potential to be a really dramatic fight scene but you have several spelling and grammar errors, most of which thatannagirl pointed out. Apart from that, you need to explain more about the situation Vyper's in as the story goes on. Why is he in Germany? Who is Vlad Dracul?(I'm guessing he's Dracula but you need to explain that) Just add in more info about what's happening and correct your grammar and you'll do fine!
The corpses are piled high around. Blood carpets the floor and flames scorch away the last remnants of humanity. The screams of the damned echo in my head. I smile. I am home.
  








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