Young Writers Society

hi

Ryan wrote:I then got a shock as Anthony Swanson’s voice began to talk ‘Are you ready?'

Unintentional rhyme you may wish to remove. Also, I find that fact that his voice is talking, and not Anthony himself, creepy and, consequently, bad.

The style this is written in is hard for readers to understand. Half the time I had no clue who was talking, or what they were talking about. You should definitely revise your spoken parts. Speech is a hard thing to master in writing, because it sounds either too proper or too disoriented. Take this:

‘I shall ask you not to joke about someone like him, he’s a dangerous man, in fact the most dangerous man in the world, you may not realise it now but you will eventually.

That's all one sentence! Put some breaks in there, use periods, do whatever you have to to make it sound more natural.

It would definitely help to post the first six chapters so the audience knows what is going on. I had a hard time keeping up with the story because I wasn't sure how the characters ended up in the situation.

It seems like you have a decent story idea, so you should keep that going. However, write it in a way the readers can fully understand.

Thanks for the tips buddy!
Yes I am sorry that that is all I can post at this time as the rest is being worked on by an editor and will soon be under copyright act 2005. Also that is my rough copy to I am sorry for any inconveniences. But please if you want information on the story, just ask!

The main character in this story is an assassin. It's if HE'S writing the story. So if it says something like 'I wasn't sure whether to pull the trigger now, or wait until the bomb goes off', it is what the assassin is thinking. or even 'I said' after a speech then it was the assassin talking.

Yeah, got that lol

Check out my story in Action/ Advenure for another example of that if you want it, Ryan.

I like the concept, but I gotta say I don't like the fact that there is very little desription--I also agree with Kylie, it's a bit hard to follow.

more?

Editor? Is this to be published?

*laughs* Lucky you, I've decided to edit this piece for you.

Ryan wrote:CHAPTER 7
‘OK, first off let me explain, The menace in my eyes is because one, I made them droopy before and now they’re starting to come back and two, I’m an assassin.
Now this wasn’t my plan at all. My plan was actually to try and save you from getting assassinated by this lunatic here.’

...What is this? Bad grammar and corny phrases. This guy has menacing eyes 'cause he made them droopy?? Sorry, not working for me.

Here those sirens?

"Here" should be "Hear."

I’ll be famous, you’ll be dead, I’ll be the best’
‘What about me?’ asked the Premier
‘Dead’, Anthony snapped quickly ‘Jonathon, keep your eyes on the road, I don’t want to be pulled up for a speeding fine at the moment.’

Punctuation is your friend. When ending a sentence, whether it's one a character is speaking or a narrative sentence, end it with some form of punctuation. Please. And that first line just doesn't work for me.

‘I shall ask you not to joke about someone like him, he’s a dangerous man, in fact the most dangerous man in the world, you may not realise it now but you will eventually.
But the sad thing is my friend, is that you stopped the Premier from being killed, got Anthony arrested, broke into this building, got media swamped all over this place, stole files of the best operatives at this time and so far you have survived. Well now it must end. You’ve peeved Anthony off quite a lot and now it’s my job to assassinate you. Nothing Personal, well, maybe a little.’
I got into combat position as he stood up, and got out his sword.

*shakes head* Not working for me. At all. You need to really work on suspenseful dialogue. This is just really too corny. Your readers will be laughing at the stupidity. Sorry to be so harsh, but if you're really going to get this published, your editor isn't gonna be too friendly either.

...I can't even go through the rest of the piece line by line. Let me just advise you to really watch grammar, punctuation, and capitalization. You have major problems with these. I can only hope the rest of the story is better...

Yes thanks for that, but as I said, I only just wrote it and didn't check the grammar.
Although the grammar has been checked by me and by my editor.
Sorry I was only able to send that copy.
And sorry if it sounded corny to you, but it isn't exactly stuff I made out of my head and you may want to read the beginning to understand the droopy eyes part.
(He had to change apperance)
Any good criticism of the story line?

It's hard to offer good criticism from what we see of it so far. It's rather bare, and we're not sure enough of the characters to tell who is saying what. Like, there are some authors whose characters are so unique that all you have to do is glance at the dialogue and you know who is speaking. For this, we are thrust into the story in the middle of chapter 7, so we have no idea what has happened or even what will.

From what I see of it, it is yet another "I'm an assassin" story. But I don't know enough to really be interested in it, and the small excerpts that you gave were so confusing that it tells us nothing about how this story is unique.

Don't get me started on the grammar...

Yep.

Still not enough for anyone to give a good opinion on it, sorry.

Crysi hit the grammar nail on the head.
And I really don thave any idea whats going on.
I am curious why you are posting excpertps of the chapters instead ofposting the chapters themselves.
Were your previous chapters in similar shape when you gave them to you editor?

I like action, and assasins and gun fights and swordplay, so I am keen on this story, but I really need to see some more to develop any real opinion.

I tutored writing and grammar for two years. Your grammar hurts me. You are guilty of the dreaded comma splice. For example:

"‘I shall ask you not to joke about someone like him, he’s a dangerous man, in fact the most dangerous man in the world, you may not realize it now but you will eventually."

You have this as one sentence. I see at least 3. "I shall ask you not to joke about someone like him. He's a dangerous man, in fact the most dangerous man in the world. You may not realize it now, but you will eventually." If you have a subject and verb, an independent clause, you cannot just stick a comma in there without a conjunction. You either need conjunctions or semi-colons. Also, you shouldn't join more than two independent clauses into one sentence. It gets muddy. There are other grammar sins, but I won't belabor the point. Just remember, even if it is the most interesting story in the world (I am not convinced you have that), no one will appreciate it if your grammar is so bad. It won't be published like that. You come across as either careless or uneducated.

As for dialog, it doesn't come across as natural. To use the same quote as above, people don't generally say "I shall". It is stilted. They would say "I'll". Try using contractions to emulate natural speech patterns. Also, it is not always clear who is speaking.

As for story, the chapters are not complete. There isn't enough here for me to really understand who is trying to kill who and why. Frankly there is not enough here for me to care one way or the other. Why is an assassin in a ice-cream truck with police and media around, but he doesn't want the driver to speed? I was confused. Maybe its just that the reader is thrust into the middle of the story and this would all make sense from the beginning. I just don't know.

Ah.... heres the first one!
excerpts?
Assassin stories are getting much popular, let me guess, this is getting published?
The plot was outragous (good thing!)
And if you do have an editor then I guess you wont need to worry about the spelling and grammar mistakes.
I'm excited and bewildered on why they are all in an ice-cream truck?

I like it!