Young Writers Society

NOTE: This story takes place on another planet that I made up. It is more technology advanced than Earth.

Sirens filled the air, echoing off skyscrapers and ringing out through the city.
Police hover cars zipped in and out of traffic with reds lights flashing. The whole squadron was in hot pursuit. The fleet was laid out through the entire upper city. This was obviously a very serious thing. The target? A teenage boy.
One car’s systems locked onto the fleeing figure, the driver watched the screen as he disappeared around a building. His mouth widened into a grin.
“You can’t get away from me . . . ” He said.
What was so hard about catching him? In less than a second he would be on top of him, then one shot would take down the brat and it would be over instantly.
This was too easy! His hand rested on the trigger, and he maneuvered around the corner.
The target was gone! His scanners tried but could pick up nothing. He slowed and lowered the altitude of the craft so he could look. Nothing. He was gone. His heart sank, he had hoped for a promotion.
Normally the car could detect a person’s DNA signature, but this person, Kevin Starskye, was a shape-shifter.
He was wanted all over the planet, not to mention the galaxy. He had been a fugitive for a few months now and there was a fifty thousand space-dollar reward for his capture. He was a super genius and he made a machine that allowed him to shape-shift.
The officer checked each person’s left hand as he passed, the only way you could tell it was Kevin, was a black, metal band on his left wrist. Suddenly he saw it.
Kevin had disguised himself as an adult man. He looked right at the camera and bolted.
The policeman gunned the engine and followed. “Target sighted!” He said into the radio.
On the ground Kevin had a major disadvantage; the squad car could fly freely above the crowds, but he had to weave in and out of the people.
At least no one else tried to stop him. Kevin veered to the right, with the car in hot pursuit. He squeezed through a vending booth knocking over boxes as he went.
‘How could I have been so stupid?’ He thought furiously.
From behind him the policeman fired a laser shot. It singed the edge of his right leg.
With a cry he fell to the asphalt and returned to his normal thirteen-year-old form.
For a second he laid sprawled on the ground. He returned to his senses and pulled himself up.
He started running again, He refused to stop even though his leg throbbed painfully.
Peoples’ faces widened in surprise as he ran by. Now Kevin was completely exposed and venerable. At least his slim body was faster than his previous one. To his relief the drone of the engine was fading.
Yes! Once again he was home free. He was almost to the alley. Just a little more . . .
He glanced behind him to see if the police car was following.
Thunk! He ran into something solid. He bounced off it and hit the ground - hard.
Before he could react, a big hand closed around the scruff of his neck and yanked him up.
He was held level to his captor’s eyes. They were red with rage.
He kicked the air in a useless attempt to free himself. This was bad - worse than being caught by the police. The creature towered over six feet and was almost as wide. It reached out with its free hand toward Kevin.
‘No way are you touching me!’ Kevin thought. He swung his body back to gain momentum; with gymnast-like skill he planted both feet on ugly’s face and pushed off.
The alien staggered back while Kevin landed on all fours. He didn’t waste a second; he took off once again.
This wasn’t the time to wonder who the creepy alien was. This was the time to escape.
His lungs ached from the lack of air but he kept running. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, he heard the police hover car again.
He had been spotted again. It revved its engine and sped after him. For a split second Kevin thought about giving up, but only for a second. He finally reached the alley and ducked inside.
The police craft swerved to avoid the wall. It spun up into the air. Inside the officer hit his fist on the dashboard.
Safe inside the alley, Kevin fell against the wall panting. He slid the ground, his chest heaved to bring in much needed oxygen.
Dark, wet, and steamy, the alley was the perfect place to hide.
He rested for a minute until he caught his breath.
A sharp pain on his lower right leg startled him. He had forgotten about it during the chase. He shifted to examine it, it looked pretty bad, the shot had missed most of it. It wasn’t too deep, and a wound an inch long went around part of his leg.
Kevin stood up, it really hurt. He needed to get back to his ship. There was no way he could manage enough energy to shape-shift right now, so it looked like he’d have to risk being seen. He made sure that the coast was clear before he stepped out of the alley way. ‘Another typical day.’ He thought. He was almost envious of normal people who didn’t have to watch their backs all the time.
“OK.” He said to himself. “Now where am I?”
Escape was survival, even if it meant getting lost afterwards. He felt angry at the police, why couldn’t they just leave him alone? He needed time to build a machine to get the Anatronzer off.
If he did that than everything would go back to normal - wait, no it wouldn’t.
He had already done other things against the law.
But some part of him thought the once he got rid of the machine than he could make up for the other things.
“Right, maybe I can find a map or something.” He shook his head. “I really need to stop talking to myself.”

Hey Pretty Crazy! I’m octo, and I’m going to review your piece today. I hope you don’t mind, and find some things in here that help you out.

NOTE: This story takes place on another planet that I made up. It is more technology advanced than Earth.

Just to say, this should be left out. What you write in your chapter will tell the reader that this isn’t Earth. Don’t give things away so readily

Sirens filled the air, echoing off skyscrapers and ringing out through the city.

Lovely hook you have here. For some reason, I immediately get a Blade Runner image in my head, a very good thing. It gets me excited, and immediately conflict has been introduced into the story. Personally I’m terrible with hooks, so I’m really jealous of you for writing a good introduction.

Police hover cars zipped in and out of traffic, [s]with[/s] reds lights flashing. The whole squadron was in hot pursuit. The fleet was laid out through the entire upper city. [s]This was obviously a very serious thing.[/s] The target? A teenage boy.

I simply added a comma to the first sentence because I think it might sound smoother than the word ‘with’. As for the sentence ‘this was obviously a very serious thing’, I find it very bland. The previous sentences already illustrate the urgency and importance of the situation. Of course, I can see why the sentence was put there, to provide a transition into introducing the target. Perhaps another sentence would work.

One car’s systems locked onto the fleeing figure, the driver watched the screen as he disappeared around a building.

This is a comma splice here, so a transitional word or replacing the comma with a period would help to fix that.

“You can’t get away from me . . . ” He said.

It’s a very small thing, but there shouldn’t be a space between the ellipses and the closing quotation mark. Also, I’m not quite sure about this, but I’m pretty sure that ‘he’ shouldn’t be capitalized, since it’s a speaker tag and still related to the previous sentence.

[s]What was so hard about catching him?[/s] In less than a second he would be on top of him, then one shot would take down the brat and it would be over instantly.
This was too easy! His hand rested on the trigger, and he maneuvered around the corner.

I feel like the first sentence is unnecessary, because the sentence ‘This is too easy’ essentially the same thing. As for the italicized sentence, the exclamation sort of seems like a change in tone. The police are on a manhunt, and things should be taken seriously. Even if something is important or exciting, the police stay very grave about the situation. The only instance where I see exclamation points are fine would be in dialogue. But this is only personal preference. If the exclamation points seem to work, keep them.

His heart sank, he had hoped for a promotion.

This is a comma splice here. Try a period or a semicolon.

Normally the car could detect a person’s DNA signature, but this person, Kevin Starskye, was a shape-shifter.
He was wanted all over the planet, not to mention the galaxy. He had been a fugitive for a few months now and there was a fifty thousand space-dollar reward for his capture. He was a super genius and he made a machine that allowed him to shape-shift.

Ach, I hate that I can’t quite pinpoint the problem here, but these sentences are more ‘tell’ than ‘show’. I feel like this information can be presented in a more exciting way.

The officer checked each person’s left hand as he passed, the only way you could tell it was Kevin, was a black, metal band on his left wrist.

I think this sentence could be rewritten into something much more fluid, such as- The officer examined the left hand of every person he passed, searching for the black metal band unique to Kevin.

‘How could I have been so stupid?’ He thought [s]furiously.[/s]

Leave out the ‘furiously’. It’s unnecessary, as the thought implies his frustration.

Now Kevin was completely exposed and venerable.

I think the word you want here is ‘vulnerable’, a synonym for exposed. ‘Venerable’ means ‘revered’.

He was held level to his captor’s eyes. They were red with rage.

These two sentences might work better if combined, like so: Kevin found himself held level to his captor’s eyes, red with rage.

Although really, the phrase ‘red with rage’ is a tad cliché, and I’m not sure why the captor’s so angry. In a few sentences we learn this is an alien, but I have no idea why an alien would hate Kevin, or why aliens are worse than police officers.

The creature towered over six feet and [s]was[/s] almost as wide.

The ‘was’ here is quite unnecessary. So, I’ve let some previous instances slide, but remember to keep away from the passive voice as much as possible. It becomes repetitive to the reader to see the word ‘was’ everywhere. Use it sparingly. Go over the story, and underline every ‘was’. Then see if it’s necessary. Find ways to rewrite the sentence. Sometimes it is a necessity, such as ‘He was a shape-shifter.’ There’s really no way around that. For everything else, remember to write with strong verbs, which add dynamics and vibrancy to your story.

He had been spotted again. It revved its engine and sped after him.

I think these sentences should be switched, so the relationship between the previous sentence about the police hover car and the one where its engine revs are closer, making it easier to understand.

Dark, wet, and steamy, the alley was the perfect place to hide.

There’s an adjective overload here, and the sentence is unnecessarily passive. I’d like to see a reason for why the alley is wet and steamy, as right now I’m not sure where the wetness is coming from. Add a small detail there, just to build up stronger images of this city.

Right now I’m totally imagining the gritty dystopia of Blade Runner, but I’m not sure if that’s what the author wants the reader to see. Perhaps I’ve got the completely wrong idea and it’s clean and elegant, although I suppose that wouldn’t work if there are dark alleyways. In general, slip in a few more details about the city as the story goes on. As Kevin leans against the wall in the alley, mention the stains from things unmentionable. There doesn’t need to be an information overload, but add in details where you can. The same applies to characters. The description for Kevin was actually nicely spaced-out for the most part, but there is a section where it feels like an information overload, and that would be the one where I said it felt like too much tell, not enough show.

The tone and voice of the piece turned out nicely. It kept a fast pace, and reached a good medium between light-hearted and serious. Besides the parts where exclamation points were used, I liked it. Besides, the exclamations are not really bad, I personally find them a little distracting. There wasn’t too much dialogue, besides the whole ‘talking to myself’ thing, so I can’t say much about that, but the spoken thoughts seemed realistic, and added a sort of comedic piece to Kevin’s character, as if to emphasize his age.

I’m assuming this is the first part of more to come, since I feel there are too many things to be clarified and explained to leave it as a standalone. If so, this is a great beginning. It sets up conflict, introduces the protagonist, and leaves the reader wanting more. So that’s really well done. There are really only a few stylistic things to work on, and this is a nice way to open up an action/adventure story.

I hope some of my comments helped out a little. If there are any issues you’d like to discuss, please let me know

Best of luck
octo

Hello! I'm new at this, but I'll try my best. Octocoffee seems to have gotten most of the grammar errors.


Sirens filled the air, echoing off skyscrapers and ringing out through the city.

Police hover cars zipped in and out of traffic with reds lights flashing. The whole squadron was in hot pursuit. The fleet was laid out through the entire upper city. This was obviously a very serious thing. The target? A teenage boy.

One car’s systems locked onto the fleeing figure, the driver watched the screen as he disappeared around a building. His mouth widened into a grin.

“You can’t get away from me . . . ” He said. He said? I feel you could add something here. A descriptive word to his voice or how he spoke. Just saying he said makes me like it's just some, plain odd police man with a monotonous voice for some reason. He seems pretty determined to catch this boy so why not try "he whispered, eyes gaining a mysterious glint." or something

What was so hard about catching him? In less than a second he would be on top of him, then one shot would take down the brat and it would be over instantly.

This was too easy! His hand rested on the trigger, and he maneuvered around the corner. Choose either this sentence or the one above, they both practically say the same thing.

The target was gone! Maybe try "Suddenly, the target was gone!" To me, it just sounds weird right now His scanners tried but could pick up nothing. This sounds weird too. Rephrase it to something like "His scanners tried to pick up something, but nothing could be seen/found..."He slowed and lowered the altitude of the craft so he could look. Nothing. He was gone. He was just gone? This doesn't come as a shock or anything? The kid has completely vanished! His heart sank, he had hoped for a promotion. His heart sank? If I had been on the brink of a promotion and the kid got away, I would be super pissed off. You're police officer doesn't seem to have too much emotion. Probably just me though.

Normally the car could detect a person’s DNA signature, but this person, Kevin Starskye, was a shape-shifter. Oh! I love the last name LOL

He was wanted all over the planet, not to mention the galaxy. He had been a fugitive for a few months now and there was a fifty thousand space-dollar reward for his capture. He was a super genius and he made a machine that allowed him to shape-shift. You're telling me, not showing me.

The officer checked each person’s left hand as he passed, the only way you could tell it was Kevin, was a black, metal band on his left wrist. Suddenly he saw it.

Kevin had disguised himself as an adult man. He looked right at the camera and bolted. He looked at a camera? Where is this camera? Wouldn't he have seen the police officer and then bolted, not a camera?

The policeman gunned the engine and followed. “Target sighted!” He said into the radio. I feel you could add more emotion here. Kevin has been sighted and he's in pursuit! This guy as a whole bunch of money on his forehead! I would be pretty nervous and excited if I were after his guy.

On the ground Kevin had a major disadvantage; the squad car could fly freely above the crowds, but he had to weave in and out of the people.

At least no one else tried to stop him. Kevin veered to the right, with the car in hot pursuit. He squeezed through a vending booth knocking over boxes as he went. Huh? Is this the police officer or Kevin narrating now? You need to stick with one character

‘How could I have been so stupid?’ He thought furiously.

From behind him the policeman fired a laser shot. It singed the edge of his right leg.

With a cry he fell to the asphalt and returned to his normal thirteen-year-old form.

For a second he laid sprawled on the ground. He returned to his senses and pulled himself up.

He started running again, He refused to stop even though his leg throbbed painfully. Instead, perhaps try "He started running again, refusing to stop or slow even though his leg throbbed painfully."

Peoples’ faces widened in surprise as he ran by. Now Kevin was completely exposed and venerable. At least his slim body was faster than his previous one. To his relief the drone of the engine was fading.

Yes! Once again he was home free. He was almost to the alley. Just a little more . . .

He glanced behind him to see if the police car was following.

Thunk! He ran into something solid. He bounced off it and hit the ground - hard.

Before he could react, a big hand closed around the scruff of his neck and yanked him up. A big hand? Come on Why not huge or large... big just doesn't seem to fit in here

He was held level to his captor’s eyes. They were red with rage. This would sound better as one sentence. "He was held level to his captor's eyes, which were red with rage."

He kicked the air in a useless attempt to free himself. This was bad - worse than being caught by the police. The creature towered over six feet and was almost as wide. It reached out with its free hand toward Kevin. There is a creature now? All I know is it's size! I want description! I want to be able to picture this in my mind!

‘No way are you touching me!’ Kevin thought. He swung his body back to gain momentum; with gymnast-like skill he planted both feet on ugly’s face and pushed off. The uglies face? What? I thought he was being held by a creature... not an ugly LOL

The alien So we go from creature, to ugly to alien... staggered back while Kevin landed on all fours. He didn’t waste a second; he took off once again. Try "Not wasting a second, Kevin took off again.

This wasn’t the time to wonder who the creepy alien was. This was the time to escape.

His lungs ached from the lack of air but he kept running. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, he heard the police hover car again.

He had been spotted again. It revved its engine and sped after him. For a split second Kevin thought about giving up, but only for a second. He finally reached the alley and ducked inside.

The police craft swerved to avoid the wall. It spun up into the air. Inside the officer hit his fist on the dashboard.

Safe inside the alley, Kevin fell against the wall panting. He slid the ground, his chest heaved to bring in much needed oxygen.

Dark, wet, and steamy, the alley was the perfect place to hide.

He rested for a minute until he caught his breath.

A sharp pain on his lower right leg startled him. He had forgotten about it during the chase. He shifted to examine it, it looked pretty bad, the shot had missed most of it. It wasn’t too deep, and a wound an inch long went around part of his leg. Consider rephrasing this paragraph. The whole thing sounds weird to me.

Kevin stood up, it really hurt. He needed to get back to his ship. There was no way he could manage enough energy to shape-shift right now, so it looked like he’d have to risk being seen. He made sure that the coast was clear before he stepped out of the alley way. ‘Another typical day.’ He thought. He was almost envious of normal people who didn’t have to watch their backs all the time.

“OK.” He said to himself. “Now where am I?"

Escape was survival, even if it meant getting lost afterwards. He felt angry at the police, why couldn’t they just leave him alone? He needed time to build a machine to get the Anatronzer off.

If he did that than everything would go back to normal - wait, no it wouldn’t.

He had already done other things against the law.

But some part of him thought the once he got rid of the machine than he could make up for the other things.

“Right, maybe I can find a map or something.” He shook his head. “I really need to stop talking to myself."


Well, this piece was okay. You had a fine pace and other than the fact that you switched narrators, you didn't have many mistakes Keep writing and good luck !

-Faia

Hey pretty crazy urm im new as well haha but ill give reviewing your story a shot.

Ok so firstly your pace is great! Normally i prefer the slower, more descriptive stuff but you kept this so action packed and fast that I completely forgot about my inhibitions and just enjoyed your story. Its very cinematic, and easy to get caught up in, so overall this is really great!

The only bad points that I can see are as octocoffee said sometimes you tell instead of show, like with "the only way you could tell it was Kevin, was a black, metal band on his left wrist."

Also more description would help the story without slowing it down. This is an entire alien planet, so i want to be able to explore it through your story. As Faia Merth pointed out the alien gets no description at all, and I think that the reader's imagination has to compensate too much for the environment. We have to imagine what he's running through or in, and you don't really give us enough guidance. I'm guessing that Kevin is fleeing through a ground-level urban sprawl, but that's all i'm doing: guessing. Show us!

But still, the way you keep the action moving so well compensates for this, and not in a blatant way. Flesh everything out a bit with a little description, but without slowing the pace down, and this will be even better.

Thanks and please review my stuff when i put it up!

Baboon

Thanks so much everyone!
I will make some changes to the story according to your suggestions. Thank you so much for your help! I'm so glad to know you like it!
Good luck with your stories!

I’m so sorry I haven’t gotten to this until now Pretty Crazy. I completely forgot to check my Will Review for Food thread. *head/desk* And it seems all of the nitpicks I wanted to bring up have already been brought up, so I’ll go ahead and just do a basic overview on some larger points for you.

Opening Line

Sirens filled the air, echoing off skyscrapers and ringing out through the city.

The opening line is one of the most important parts of a story because it’s meant to Hook your reader, Grab them by the throat, and Pull them in. This is best done by making the readers ask question and you’ve done this. I want to know why the sirens are going off, whom or what the cause of the sirens is, and what’s going to happen next. Now, it’s just a matter of spicing up the language, by creating a metaphor or even a simile that catches the attention of your readers.

Dialogue
Okay, though you don’t have a whole lot of dialogue in this chapter, I’ll advise ahead of time that you’ll want to give every character a distinct voice, even your lesser characters. Take for instance the cop at the beginning. Even though he probably isn’t going to be a major player in the story, right now all you have is a very flat, two dimensional, generic cop. Change up the dialogue a bit to make him seem more alive. The same goes for Kevin. Make sure his speech is distinct and alive.

Plot
Right now, this seems very bare bones and that’s because, as it was addressed already, you do a lot of showing rather than telling. Go into detail about Kevin’s surroundings. This will help make your outer space environment seem more realistic as well as drawing the reader in further.

Characters
Right now, Kevin seems to be falling flat for me and it’s because he seems two-dimensional still. Obviously it’s early in the story, and you’ll want to work detail in gradually, but don’t put on mysterious airs for too long. Doing so will make your reader feel as if he lacks a lot of human character, which will disconnect the reader from the story. You already did a good job by adding the fact that he talks to himself a lot. Remember this and use it from time to time to remind us that he’s human…well sorta.

Style
This is where I think you need to put a lot of focus. Right now, you’re telling, not showing throughout most of the story. Check out CastlesintheSky’s article in the knowledge base, Show and Tell for some great tips on how to correct this problem.

Other
Lastly, remember to set defined rules about this new planet. Just like on earth, there are some things that can happen, and things that just can’t. Define these cans and can’ts early in the story and don’t break them. This will turn away readers.
I’m sorry it took me so long to get to your review. But it did give you an awesome BUMP for your story.

PM me with questions or any further help. *tosses a cookie* So long!

~lilymoore

I'm really sorry I didn't do this faster, but here is your review.

Pretty Crazy wrote:Sirens filled the air, echoing off skyscrapers and ringing out through the city.
Police hover cars zipped in and out of traffic with reds lights flashing. The whole squadron was in hot pursuit. The fleet was laid out through the entire upper city. [s]This was obviously a very serious thing.[/s] The target? A teenage boy.

As soon as I read 'hover car' I immediately thought the Uglies series by Scott Westerfeld. I'd be careful with this because that's a popular series so if you had it in mind when you started writing this, be careful. (I don't know if you've even read this series or anything, just pointing it out. )

Pretty Crazy wrote:‘No way are you touching me!’ Kevin thought. He swung his body back to gain momentum; with gymnast-like skill he planted both feet on ugly’s face and pushed off.

Okay. Now I'm really thinking of Uglies.

Overall this is written really well. You've done a really good job with the suspense and starting action of this. I'm already engaged. I want to know more about Kevin. He already intrigues me.
Now with the Uglies thing. Even though it's only two things. It's two kind of big things in the first chapter. If you've never read that series, it's a strange coincidence but be careful. If you have read the series, be extra careful. Even if you love that series, try not you make your story somewhat of a copycat.

Great start though.

-Carly

Hi there! Since you left such a nice review on the first chapter of The Trouble with Titanium, I thought I ought to stop by—and I’m glad I did! (By the way, your avatar is adorable. *is a cat lover* I can’t stop staring at it. XD)

It looks like you’ve got some great reviews already, so forgive me if I repeat something someone else has already said. XD

Sirens filled the air, echoing off skyscrapers and ringing out through the city.

Oooh, I like this as a first sentence, it’s so exciting. I think it does a great job of setting the mood for the coming chase scene.

I’m also a really big fan of the fact that you chose to start the story from the policeman’s perspective, rather than just turning him into some faceless drone of evil. It’s always great to get lots of character’s perspectives on the situation at hand, especially when they’re on opposite sides of the conflict. The policeman’s got to have motives for what he does, after all, he’s not evil. So I liked the fact that you’re giving your main character’s enemies a bit of time for development and interest, and a nice, practical motive (i.e. wanting a promotion.)

One thing about this policeman, though: If Kevin’s a shapeshifter, why is the policeman so surprised that he can’t catch him? He seems a little too confident to make sense to me. *shrug*

I’d also be careful about setting the main character up as a super genius. I know it’s all meant well and he’s a very well-developed, interesting character with plenty of flaws, but “super genius” tends to set off a lot of people’s Mary Sue alarms. Not that he can’t be a super genius—I just think it would be better to show it through his actions; like the inventions he’s made or how he solves problems, rather than straight-up telling us.

The only other question I have is why Kevin wears that bracelet in the first place, if it identifies him. Is he unable to remove it? Does it symbolize something important to him? You don’t have to tell us right here and now in the narration, but I think there should be a reason.

One little grammar nitpick:

On the ground Kevin had a major disadvantage;

I think there should be a comma after ground, to reinforce that we’re transferring to Kevin’s POV.

Otherwise, I really liked this piece. I liked how the chase scene played out—it was exciting and fast-paced but also helped reveal a bit about Kevin’s character—I admit I laughed when he was so busy concentrating on the people behind him that he ran into the car, and his line at the end made me smile.

So in short, it’s a great opening, and I’m excited to read more! See you in the next chapter soon.

Here with the reivew you requested!

Sirens filled the air, echoing off skyscrapers and ringing out through the city.

Love it! Excelent opening.

This was obviously a very serious thing.

This isn't a nessesary sentence - the reader can easily see the situation is serious from the rest of the paragraph.

Following that, the piece is pretty good. I love the idea, and the imagary is very nice. My main concern is with sentences like this:

He felt angry at the police, why couldn’t they just leave him alone?

That comma should be a period. You frequently make this error.

At the end of the piece, we have Kevin here thinking about building a machine to get rid of this "Anatronzer". I have no earthly idea what's going on here - the machine is breaking the law in some way, it seems. But I have no clue what the rest is.

Otherwise, you have quite a solid piece here. Nice work.

NOTE: This story takes place on another planet that I made up. It is more technology advanced than Earth.

You don’t need this ^

Sirens filled the air, echoing off skyscrapers and ringing out through the city.
Police hover cars zipped in and out of traffic with reds lights flashing. The whole squadron was in hot pursuit. The fleet was laid out through the entire upper city. This was obviously a very serious thing. The target? A teenage boy.

The whole squadron was in hot pursuit; the entire fleet was laid out through the city. The target? A teenage boy.
You don’t need to point out how obviously serious this was, we can tell through your writing.

One car’s systems locked onto the fleeing figure, the driver watched the screen as he disappeared around a building. His mouth widened into a grin.
“You can’t get away from me . . . ” He said.
What was so hard about catching him? In less than a second he would be on top of him, then one shot would take down the brat and it would be over instantly.

This was too easy! His hand rested on the trigger, and he maneuvered around the corner.
What was so hard about catching him? The driver wondered, as he maneuvered around the corner, his hand resting on the trigger.
It just felt like this could be shortened or something. No big problem.

The target was gone! His scanners tried but could pick up nothing. He slowed and lowered the altitude of the craft so he could look. Nothing. He was gone. His heart sank, he had hoped for a promotion.

All of a sudden, the scanners went dead. The target was gone! He slowed the altitude of the craft so he could look. Nothing. The kid was gone. He felt his heart sink; he had hoped for a promotion.
I thought the scanners should go off before he realized that target was gone.

Normally the car could detect a person’s DNA signature, but this person, Kevin Starskye, was a shape-shifter.

I would leave this part out entirely. It gives too much information.

He was wanted all over the planet, not to mention the galaxy. He had been a fugitive for a few months now and there was a fifty thousand space-dollar reward for his capture. He was a super genius and he made a machine that allowed him to shape-shift.

Again with WAY too much information. It takes the excitement of the story. There’s no more suspense anymore. I was like- woah who IS this guy? And now I’m just like- oh. So that’s who he is.

The officer checked each person’s left hand as he passed, the only way you could tell it was Kevin, was a black, metal band on his left wrist. Suddenly he saw it.
Kevin had disguised himself as an adult man. He looked right at the camera and bolted.

The officers searched the crowd of people for the fugitive. Suddenly, one policeman caught the glint of black metal from the corner of his eye. The boy was trying to stay disguised as an adult man. He looked right at the camera, and bolted.
That first sentence had way too many commas and I would rephrase that as much as possible.

The policeman gunned the engine and followed. “Target sighted!” He said into the radio.

Try to use a different word instead of ‘said’ like, yelled, or bellowed.

On the ground Kevin had a major disadvantage; the squad car could fly freely above the crowds, but he had to weave in and out of the people.

I’m a tiny bit confused because you are going back and forth from Kevin’s perspective and the policeman’s. I guess I just forget which one you are talking about or something.

At least no one else tried to stop him. Kevin veered to the right, with the car in hot pursuit. He squeezed through a vending booth knocking over boxes as he went.
‘How could I have been so stupid?’ He thought furiously.
From behind him the policeman fired a laser shot. It singed the edge of his right leg.
With a cry he fell to the asphalt and returned to his normal thirteen-year-old form.
For a second he laid sprawled on the ground. He returned to his senses and pulled himself up.

Leave all that ^ in one paragraph.

For a second he lay sprawled on the ground. Returning to his senses, he pulled himself back up, groggily.

He started running again, He refused to stop even though his leg throbbed painfully.

He ran ahead at full speed, refusing to stop even though his leg throbbed painfully.

Peoples’ faces widened in surprise as he ran by. Now Kevin was completely exposed and venerable. At least his slim body was faster than his previous one. To his relief the drone of the engine was fading.

People’s faces widened in surprise as he ran by. Kevin was completely aware how exposed and vulnerable he was. At least his slim body was faster than his previous one. To his relief he heard the drone of the engines begin to fade.

There’s nothing really wrong with any parts of the story, I’m mostly just putting in suggestions. They sound a little better to me, but that’s just my opinion.

Yes! Once again he was home free. He was almost to the alley. Just a little more . . .
He glanced behind him to see if the police car was following.

How about, ‘he glanced over his shoulder to see if the police car was following.’ It’s just a little bit more descriptive.

Thunk! He ran into something solid. He bounced off it and hit the ground - hard.

Thunk! He slammed into something solid and hit the ground hard.
I don’t really like the word ‘bounced’ because that doesn’t really go with solid. I would with either he slammed into it and hit the ground, or fell backwards and hit the ground.

Before he could react, a big hand closed around the scruff of his neck and yanked him up.

Yanked him up off the ground, because you said later Kevin was kicking the air. Or maybe that meant kicking the air because he was aiming for the man and kept missing. You might want to make that part a little clearer.

He was held level to his captor’s eyes. They were red with rage.
He kicked the air in a useless attempt to free himself. This was bad - worse than being caught by the police. The creature towered over six feet and was almost as wide. It reached out with its free hand toward Kevin.

Kevin kicked the air in a useless attempt to free himself. He began to panic. This was bad, he knew; worse than being caught by the police.
I think you should try to fit in a little personality into this part. How did he feel when he was being held up? Was he scared? Or frustrated with himself? Or completely calm and level headed? I thought panic fit well, but it may not fit the character.

‘No way are you touching me!’ Kevin thought. He swung his body back to gain momentum; with gymnast-like skill he planted both feet on ugly’s face and pushed off.

He swung his body back to gain momentum, and with gymnast-like skill, he planted both feet on ugly’s face and pushed off.
I think commas work better here.

The alien staggered back while Kevin landed on all fours. He didn’t waste a second; he took off once again.

This wasn’t the time to wonder who the creepy alien was. This was the time to escape.
He pushed the thought of the strange alien out of his mind- he would have time to think about that later- and focused his attention on escaping.
His lungs ached from the lack of air but he kept running. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, he heard the police hover car again.
He had been spotted again. It revved its engine and sped after him. For a split second Kevin thought about giving up, but only for a second. He finally reached the alley and ducked inside.
The police craft swerved to avoid the wall. It spun up into the air. Inside the officer hit his fist on the dashboard.

The police craft swerved to avoid the wall, spinning up into the air. Inside, the officer hit his fist on the dashboard.

Safe inside the alley, Kevin fell against the wall panting. He slid the ground, his chest heaved to bring in much needed oxygen.
Dark, wet, and steamy, the alley was the perfect place to hide.
He rested for a minute until he caught his breath.
A sharp pain on his lower right leg startled him. He had forgotten about it during the chase. He shifted to examine it, it looked pretty bad, the shot had missed most of it. It wasn’t too deep, and a wound an inch long went around part of his leg.

He shifted to examine it. It looked bad, but the shot had missed most of it. He was thankful it wasn’t too deep, but it still hurt like hell.

Kevin stood up, it really hurt. He needed to get back to his ship. There was no way he could manage enough energy to shape-shift right now, so it looked like he’d have to risk being seen. He made sure that the coast was clear before he stepped out of the alley way. ‘Another typical day.’ He thought. He was almost envious of normal people who didn’t have to watch their backs all the time.
Kevin stood up, groaning. He needed to get back to his ship.

I would leave out the part about him saying ‘another typical day’ and being envious. I kind of get the impression from the story that he was a fugitive and this was a typical day, so you could probably leave that part out.

“OK.” He said to himself. “Now where am I?”
Escape was survival, even if it meant getting lost afterwards. He felt angry at the police, why couldn’t they just leave him alone? He needed time to build a machine to get the Anatronzer off.
Why couldn’t the police just leave him alone? Time was precious, and he needed time to build a machine that would get the Anatronzer off. Then everything would go back to normal. Wait, no it wouldn’t. It was too late to go back now. He had already done other things against the law.

If he did that than everything would go back to normal - wait, no it wouldn’t.
He had already done other things against the law.
But some part of him thought the once he got rid of the machine than he could make up for the other things.

But some part of him though that once he got rid of the machine he could start making up for the other things.
“Right, maybe I can find a map or something.” He shook his head. “I really need to stop talking to myself.”

“Right, maybe I can find a map or something.” He muttered, and then shook his head, “and I really need to stop talking to myself.”







I actually really like this story! I would like more descriptions and detail though, but besides that good job! I can’t wait to read more, this is really interesting 

Also, Kevin seems pretty modest, almost like a goody-goody character. I would like to see him be just a bit more rebellious. It seems like he’s been a criminal for a long time, (at least that’s the impression I got) and I would like that to be more apparent in his personality. But that’s just me. Maybe he’s just a nice guy.

oh and forgive me if this is messy- im new at these reviews!

Hello,
Thanks so much for the request of a review . Im so sorry it took so long I just started school back up, and Im being loaded down with alot. Anyway, heres your long awaited review (it won't be too long but I hope it's helpful)-

There were little mistakes like using this ' instead of a quation mark, and other such grammar mistakes that i think you can easily fix on your own, but if you need any help please feel free to PM me .

Also I read through the other reviews and they pretty much got everything covered. I know this wasn't that helpful, but i do have to say this was a very unique storyline. I enjoyed reading it and that was good. I think there should be much more description. Taste, Sound, Feel, live in the moment. I want to know as many details as possible without being showed everything or having it dumped on me.


Hope this helped
Have a good day
Tiffany