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Dolls



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Mon Aug 03, 2009 9:42 pm
Cobra says...



Toys. That's all they are. Innocent, childish toys. Inanimate objects. Try to hold on to that belief when their plastic fingers twitch. When their sightless eyes stare into your soul. When they stagger slowly towards you to execute their deadly purpose...

I work the night shift at Unitex factory in Oxfordshire. It's not a rewarding job, or one that I particularly enjoy, but it pays the bills. It gets me through the lousy days. Normally it's routine stuff - just walking around with a torch and a baton in case of any trouble. So far it's been pretty quiet; the only trouble I've ever had was a couple of yobbos who broke in to steal a few electrical goods. Can't imagine why - Unitex makes pretty low-quality items which wouldn't be worth half what my torch cost. Anyway, I'm pleased to say I caught the thieves, and despite having a tussle with one of them, I managed to get both of them.
Bashed the one I was fighting in the head and chucked my baton at the other one, who was making a break for it. I'm an ex-boxer - did I mention that?
Anyway, recently Unitex have had a shipment of dolls. So what?, You might ask.
Well, I'm not sure about these. They're not the usual crap that Unitex tries to pass off as quality goods. These are decent - I checked how much it cost to make them and it was over a hundred pounds each! And do you know what's even creepier? They're going at a tenth of what it costs to manufacture them.
6.99 apiece, and despite Unitex's reputation, these dolls are going so fast it's all the manager can do to keep the stock going at the same pace the demand has reached. I bought one of them the other day, just to check. Nothing special about it. Just an ordinary doll, with a hard plastic skin and poleyester clothing.
And yet...and yet I'm beginning to wish I'd never bought that doll. I work weekends as well, but I always leave the store at one A.M. to go home, leaving the other guy to take over the shift. But the thing is, I always feel, when I turn off the light, that the doll is watching me. I would have got rid of it by now, but I'm hoping to open it up and see if there's anything...unusual inside. So far I haven't been able to get inside, but on Tuesday I plan to buy a blowtorch.
Let's see how Unitex technology handles that.

I'm not a paranoid person. Usually I'm practical and think things out logically, but I'm convinced that those dolls aren't normal. It's Wednesday night and I'm not sure that I'll live to see Thursday. I've tried the blowtorch and it just doesn't seem to work. I blasted the doll for a full minute to get it open but then the blowtorch just suddenly cut out. Just stopped working. Then the metal grew hot, so hot I couldn't hold it. As soon as I let go the blowtorch seemed to dissolve into a pool of molten metal, yet when I touched it mere moments later it was ice cold. And I swore that over the sound of the metal bubbling I could hear a childish giggle coming from the doll...
After going to sleep that evening I was plagued by nightmares about that doll.
In my dream, it staggered slowly towards me, eyeless and yet looking straight at me. In the dream it was walking through a battlefield, rifle shots rebounding off its shell, grenades blowing all to hell around it, and it kept on walking, slowly coming closer until its hands reached out...and plucked out my eyes.
That was the point when I awoke, but upon looking across the room, I thought I saw the doll moving. As soon as I looked at it, the toy stilled, then fell off the shelf. I skipped work to take it away. Far away. I finally tossed it into the Thames, to rot there for ever. But now I'm questioning whether I've actually rid myself of it. Now I know that it's not dead. It will find its way back. There's no question of that. The only question is when it will find me again. Outside...outside I can hear its relentless giggle, the sound of its childlike steps across the ground. I can see its silhouette at the window, its tiny figure grossly exaggerated by the light of an almost-full moon. The window. I need to take a closer look, much as it terrifies me. I have to be sure that it isn't just some illusion conjured by my feverish imagination. With trembling fingers I reach for the windowsill, staring into the night. All is still...There! The silhouette! Desperately hoping its not what I think it is, I struggle to make out its owner. For a heartbeat, there is no sound. Then; "Meow." I smile weakly with relief. A cat! That's all it was! Just a cat. I stand up a little taller and wave at the cat. Its head swivels towards me and it arches its back and hisses before running off. The cat is as scared of me as I was of it! Then a dreadful thought occurs to me; the cat didn't really seem to be looking at me. Rather at something below me...Even as I think this, the doll's perfect yet hideous face rises into my line of sight, its childlike mouth twisted into an evil leer, and everything goes black.

I awaken in a state of terror, thrashing around at a horror that isn't there. Slowly I calm down and look around. Everything seems to be normal...then something catches my eye. The doll. It's sitting back on the shelf. Did I simply imagine the events of yesterday? The phone rings and I jump, startled. It's the manager of the factory, and he proves that I didn't by berating me for missing work. I don't want to work at Unitex anymore. I want to quit and get far away.
After I've told my boss, he sighs and tells me to come over at eight-o-clock to sort out the paperwork and get the formalities.
"But...can't I come over sometime earlier? Sometime before dark?" I ask.
"No way you're coming over before the shop closes. I'm far too busy." he replies.

So here I am. Eight sharp, outside Unitex's main entrance. Scared stiff. God, I wish he would hurry up! Slowly, half an hour passes. Then another. Then another. I'm wondering if I should go home, but the doll is there and I'm just not willing to face it. Finally my boss, Mr. Taylor, opens the door and beckons me inside.
"Sorry for keeping you waiting." he sneers. Well, I hadn't expected any better from him - he was quick-tempered and finding a new night guard must have been difficult, especially at such short notice. I step inside and face off to a guy four inches shorter than me. He looks nervous, with constantly watering eyes.
"Um, I'm Eric...yeah, Eric Blake. That's me. Yeah." he says, stuttering over every other word.
"Henry Creed. I'm the old night guard."
"Um, yeah. I, uh, heard." He has a slight American accent and I notice when we shake hands that his are damp and fleshy, with a weak grip. He didn't look like much. My bet is that he won't last the night.

Eventually sorting out the paperwork takes another hour and a quarter. Now it's long past dark - 10.47. Finally, Mr. Taylor strides towards the door to let me out.
"And don't come back unless it's as a customer." he snaps, pressing a button to unlock the automatic doors. There's a muted click, then the lights flicker and go out.
"What?" Mr. Taylor mutters. "These blasted lights; a fuse has probably blown and wrecked the circuit." He presses the remote several more times, as though this will miraculously turn the lights back on. Through the light of an almost-full moon I can dimly see within a five-metre radius. Eric sidles up to me and whispers; "Um, I don't know if it's just me, but some of the toys seem to be, like..."
"Like...?"
"Moving." he replies, and my heart seems to fill with ice at his words.
I whip my head around to look at the toy rack, and I can see shadows shifting as the toys all turn their heads to look at us.
"We have to get out of here, right now." I breathe.
Vaulting over the counter, I race across to the hardware section, quickly finding what I hoped I would - a crowbar. If my dream had any significance, the crowbar would be ineffective against the Dolls, and anyway there were too many to fight. I need this for a different purpose. I turn back towards the door and race towards it but one of the Dolls' boxes falls off the shelf and its arm punches out of the box, grabbing my ankle. I stumble but regain my balance and keep running, dragging the Doll across the polished floor. Finally, screaming out of my way!" I reach it and swing the crowbar at the door, but fear saps my strength and the crowbar bounces of the tough glass, leaving only a scratch. Mr. Taylor doesn't seem to understand what's happening and screams at me as I attack the door for a second time.
"Creed! That is company property and you will stop right now or I swear to God I'll rip your fu-"
He never finishes his sentence. Occupied with shouting at me, Mr. Taylor is oblivious to the fact that the Dolls are now fully animated, and one of them has tottered up behind him and somehow managed to dig its fingers into his spine.
Now it clenches its fists and wrenches its tiny hands out again, bringing with them a torrent of blood and most of Mr. Taylor's spine. The blood-drenched Doll giggles insanely at me, then burrows its way into Mr.Taylor's back, disappearing from sight. I'm terror-stricken, about to turn and flee, when Mr. Taylor's head snaps up. Somehow, by some miracle (or curse) he's still alive. Then he speaks, and I realise how wrong I am.
"We're coming to get you, Henry." he gurgles at me in a childish voice. Then a fresh wave of blood explodes from his mouth and he shudders before speaking again.
"Oh god, Creed, they got me. Don't let them get you, you mustn't!" He shudders again and then it's the Doll speaking, pretending to be the person it's inside.
"Why don't you just give up, Henry? It's much calmer like this. No more worry, no more pain...Come. Join me." It says in that hideous, childish voice.
Then its Mr. Taylor, speaking again for the last time before the doll takes him over forever.
"God, Creed, what are you waiting for?! They're still closing in! Get out of here, before-" His head jerks and I hear the unmistakeable sound of his neck breaking.
Then his body starts moving of its own accord, its actions like a puppet or marionette, slowly forcing itself to its feet. Then it turns and I see the Doll operating him from behind, pulling on his muscles by means of moving him - no, his corpse, there is nothing left of Mr. Taylor there. This horrific sight stirs me into action and I turn and race away, away from the frontal exit, the crowbar left on the ground behind me. My senses have become sharper than ever before. I can hear Eric puffing along behind me, running as fast as he's able.
Not fast enough. Even as we race for the storage room, I hear the Dolls' childish giggles getting closer. Despite my terror, my mind is still focused and wonders how. They can only move slowly, staggering along on their childlike legs. I glance over my shoulder and see Eric, and immediately behind him, half a dozen dolls. Although they seem to still be taking those same, tiny steps, they're covering ground just as quickly as Eric and I. Upon reaching the door, I shoulder-charge it, smashing it open and racing inside. As soon as Eric's inside, I slam the door. Just before it closes I have time to glimpse Mr. Taylor's body loping along with the Dolls, his death expression frozen on his face. My pulse is racing, but I stop to glance around the room and see if there's anything useful. One other door - locked. DVDs - no. Bicycles - unless I'm going to get out of here by running the Dolls over, no. But in a corner..."Screwdrivers!" I cry.
"What?! You think..." I wait for Eric to catch his breath. "You think we can fight them off with screwdrivers?"
"No, you dumbass." I snap. "The door...we can get it open! We can get out of here!"
Comprehension dawns on his face and he grabs one, as do I. We set to work on the door. Everything has gone eerily quiet. Then I hear something from above us. In the air vents...
"Oh, god, they're in the vents!" Eric screams. We work faster, more feverishly.
Then the screws on the vent turn by themselves and fall to the ground with soft clinks. Finally, the door falls off its hinges at exactly the same time as the grille falls to the ground. I catch the door and shove it away, to one side. As I do so, the Doll drops onto my shoulders from behind. I feel its tiny fingers digging into my back, ready to pull out my spine and scream my fear and hatred.
Eric, instead of running for it, grabs the door and shoves it towards me, shouting; "Turn!" I twist around and the door hits the Doll, knocking it off me.
As one man Eric and I run through the doorway. The Doll screams after us, an unintelligible word of hatred. At this signal, the other Dolls charge at the door we entered by and its flung off its hinges and down the corridor after us. It spins towards our heads, and, just in time, I grab Eric, and drag him to the ground.
The door shoots over us, hitting the opposite door and shattering both. The Dolls are impossibly strong, but then again, this whole situation is impossible.
I haul Eric to his feet, the Dolls closing in on us, and we run through the next entrance and into another part of the shop. Finally, the entrance. But even as, our strength flagging, we stumble towards it, I hear giggles coming from behind the shelves. Just as we're about to reach the exit, a Doll staggers out in front of me. Then another. And another. I still keep running. Have to escape! I have to escape! The exit's only ten metres ahead of me. Seven. Five. Four. Three. Just that distance from freedom, a Doll reaches out from its box on the second shelf and seizes my leg in a cast-iron grip. I stumble and with a feeling of horror, of helplessness, land, skidding towards the Dolls.

My slide is halted by a shoe, which lands on my chest. My momentary relief abruptly reverts to horror when I look up and see my saviour's face. I expected to see Eric, but the face that stares back at me belongs - or should I say belonged - to Mr. Taylor. He smiles, blood bubbling out of his mouth.
"We're going to get you, Henry." he breathes, but the words don't fit with his mouth. It's trying to say something different. I can guess what. Without a second thought I kick him and his legs buckle like their strings have been cut.
I can see Eric struggling with two Dolls. He still has hope. I have none. Not unless I can get past Mr. Taylor. Rising to my feet as quickly as possible, I kick him again, snapping his head back. Despite this his fingers still grope for me and he too starts getting to his feet.
I race forwards, barging into Eric and knocking the Dolls off him. He turns tail and flees. It's a good idea. I do the same.
The exit just in front of me. The Dolls just behind. Both of them only a few steps away. And then. A sudden wave of blackness. Crossing my vision. No. I can't faint. Not now. Not so close. But it comes again and strong fingers grasp me, pulling me off my feet, pulling me back, back into the crowd of Dolls.
Strong fingers, grasping, digging into my spine. My eyes widen. I know what's going to happen. But there's nothing, nothing I can do to prevent it. The fingers clench and wrench backwards. Pain beyond agony overcomes me as my spine is torn out and clatters across the floor. I scream, a long, drawn-out scream that seems to go on for eternity. I can feel the Doll writhing, struggling to enter my gaping back wound. The pain dies slightly. I shout, the last words I am ever to speak.
"Eric! Run! Run for your life!"
The last thing I'll ever see. Eric, racing away into the darkness, pursued by a horde of Dolls.
The last thing I'll ever feel. Dolls, scrambling over my body as it moves of its own accord, the Doll moving me from the inside.
The last thing I'll ever hear, the last thing I'll ever know, The Last Thing.
The sickening sound of my neck breaking...and the high-pitched giggle of a demented child.

Toys. That's all they are. Innocent, childish toys. Inanimate objects. Try to hold on to that belief when their plastic fingers twitch. When their sightless eyes stare into your soul. When they stagger slowly towards you to execute their deadly purpose...
Last edited by Cobra on Tue Aug 04, 2009 4:33 pm, edited 3 times in total.
The corpses are piled high around. Blood carpets the floor and flames scorch away the last remnants of humanity. The screams of the damned echo in my head. I smile. I am home.
  





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Tue Aug 04, 2009 3:31 pm
Lilicia says...



Wow. This is amazing! I'm really freaked out now - I don't think I'll ever touch a doll again! I found no grammar mistakes at all, so I can't do much of a review, unfortunatly. Your descriptions were great, the plot was wonderful and original... I especially liked it how you used the same beginning and ending paragraph - it really adds strength to the story. If there was one think I could suggest, it would be to work on the charactar development a bit more. For now, we only know the MC's name, and what he works as. Maybe I'm just being fussy, but I'd like to hear more about him. What does he look like? Does he have a family? How old is he?

Keep writing - you've definitly got talent!

Hope I helped! :D
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen
  





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Fri May 06, 2011 4:32 pm
Redfang18 says...



Holy cow! How did you come up with this? By watching the Chucky series? I am very impressed. I say you should write a sequal to this. Except, write it in Eric's point of view.
Look down and show some mercy if you can.
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man.

~~~Les Miserables
  





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Sat May 07, 2011 6:54 am
Charlie II says...



My god that was creepy! :P

1. Tone/voice
Natural speech is interesting. It's also very difficult to write effectively, and I think you did a very good job, but there are still moments where you need to tighten up your phrases.

6.99 apiece, and despite Unitex's reputation, these dolls are going so fast it's all the manager can do to keep the stock going at the same pace the demand has reached


You almost manage it here -- the start of the sentence is perfect. But, as it continues, the sentence becomes so long and complicated it's hard to imagine that anyone would say that all at once. I think you'd do well to look through Creed's dialogue and try to use as few words as possible.

e.g
£6.99 apiece, and despite Unitex's reputation, these dolls are going so fast it's all the manager can do to keep stock on the shelves


Ok, I'm just trying to make my point here, but you get the idea -- less is more with dialogue. This is especially important with the first person narrative -- try to get it all to the same standard as the first paragraph! :)


2. Suspense
I'm sure you'll have heard the phrase "Show, don't tell". This applies here when we look at the building of suspense and the action scenes themselves. It's very easy to accidentally "tell" the reader about events when you're writing a first person story, so let me try to point out places to improve.

In my dream, it staggered slowly towards me, eyeless and yet looking straight at me. In the dream it was walking through a battlefield, rifle shots rebounding off its shell, grenades blowing all to hell around it, and it kept on walking, slowly coming closer until its hands reached out...and plucked out my eyes.


I thought this was a brilliant part of the story, but I will suggest a few improvements that you could apply to the rest of the story as well.

In my dream, it staggered towards me; eyeless, yet watching me. It walked across a battlefield, rifle shots rebounding off its shell, grenades blowing all to hell around it, and it kept on walking. Slowly. Coming closer and closer until it reached out -- those harsh plastic hands -- towards my face. Towards my eyes...


When I say "don't tell" I'm really referring to bits like: "and plucked out my eyes" or "Pain beyond agony overcomes me as my spine is torn out and clatters across the floor". Sometimes -- in fact, most of the time -- it's best to not say outright what is happening. The mystery of the unknown is a great tool that you can use to scare and surprise your readers. You show that you're capable of this, too:

My eyes widen. I know what's going to happen. But there's nothing, nothing I can do to prevent it. The fingers clench and wrench backwards.


This is an *awesome* section -- you handle the suspense and the horror brilliantly! You see here how not explicitly stating (or telling) what is happening makes it all the scarier?


3. Adverbs/verbosity
Use less. When I watch staggering people, if I see them "stagger slowly" then that's pretty standard -- the slow part is already covered in the verb. The only times I'd want to be using them is to express something that tempers the verb in a different way -- try not to use them to reinforce a verb that can stand up for itself! ;)


4. Conclusion
Overall, very good. I've given you a few things to think about whilst redrafting it, so I'm looking forwards to reading an edited version soon! You have a terrifying premise here, and you really have no qualms about shocking the reader -- I respect that, great job.

As always, PM me if you want to talk about anything I've said.

Charlie
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen
  





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Sun May 15, 2011 6:38 pm
mellophone7 says...



This is an EXTREMELY good horror story. I was so scared when I finished reading it! I noticed a few grammatical errors, punctuation misplaced, etc. but the only big suggestion I would make would be to break up your larger paragraphs. Instead of having a few small paragraphs, and then this one huge chunk of words, just try to break it up some. Otherwise, great job!
"The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean." -Robert Louis Stevenson
"Write or die trying."
JA hatar pisanje.
  





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Mon May 16, 2011 3:10 am
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Cobra, Hawk here for a review!

I have to say, this was a fantastic story -- I'm actually really wishing I hadn't read it before going to bed. >.< Dolls, clowns, mannequins, etc., all give me the creeps, and your story is one of the best horror/suspense ones I've read in a long while. You do such a great job with the imagery, the beginning suspicions of the dolls being alive, and the final animal terror as they're trapped in the factory with those things. Not to mention the right amount of gore and blood, and you're got yourself a beautifully constructed horror story.

I only have a few minor critiques. First, you never really described the dolls' appearance; I don't know if you intentionally left it to the reader's imaginations, but I would personally like to get some more details about the dolls, especially their faces -- were they Chucky-ish? Something in their expressions that seem foreboding? Eyes a bit too wide and pupils a little more slit? Hair, no hair? Those would be some nice visuals to give a base point to build the dolls' image up from there.

As much as I love the way that the dolls took over the body by climbing in and controlling the muscles, I find it kind of hard to believe. I mean, they just rip the spine -- nothing else, no ribs or anything -- out of the back and clamber in, while the human's still living and in some control of his faculties, and then they have to actually kill the guy so he'll stop talking? I can't say that I know enough about human anatomy and what would not kill them, but this seemed a bit far-fetched, from the technical aspect. Just something to think about, since the rest of your story feels so authentic.

A minor grammar issue I'm going to point out is your dialogue punctuation; I noticed you seemed to have consistent problem with it, so I'd like you to read this post by Demeter on where to place those trippy little commas and such. It's very easy to understand, and I use it as a reference all the time.

All right! That's all I've got to say. Once again, great job on writing such a good story -- my heart was pounding through it all. I seriously loved it.

Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot! Keep up the great work. Cheers! :]
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle
  





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Thu May 26, 2011 7:43 pm
Mongererofspoons says...



This story is incredibly scary, I was not expecting the part where the shop owner's spine gets ripped out!
Anyway, this is by far the creepiest story I have read on this site, it should be a new creepypasta. My only qualm however is some of the things that happen seem to be a little to unrealistic to me, for example one of the thieves being taken out by a guy simply throwing a baton at him and the whole controlling corpses thing, but aside from that everything else is amazing.
  








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