Young Writers Society

"You were suppose to be dead." He gasped for air. I pressed my foot harder onto his throat. He sends me a begging look, "Please, don't." He choked out
My foot stops pressing. I lean so that I'm over him.
"Give me one reason why I shouldn't?" I glare at him, and hear him swallow.
We stare at each other. Thousands of memories sweep into my mind. If I didn't deserve to live, neither should he. Then I see a smirk forming on his lips.
"Because I have something to live for. You have nothing. No family, no friends, no hope, no leads, no-" I couldn't take it, I kick his already bruised and blooded side. He is silenced. I sit down next to him, I toss him a careless and knowing smile.

"No, I do not. But I can tell you one. I have nothing because I care enough to not get the people I love involved in what I do." I pull out my knife that was concealed in waist. He eyes the knife carefully. I chuckle at this- "This knife will not be your downfall Mr.Croftin." He still made no move to get up and run away, mostly because he knows the knife then will be his downfall. "You see, you and me are nearly the same." I smile a little at that. Who knew that my target would be like me? "But the only that's different is that you are careless. As you can tell from your situation." I look at him and chuckle a little. He still looked at me like I was crazy. I wasn't I was just simply doing my job.

"And how am I careless?" He questions. I stare at him for a while then go back to playing with my knife.
"Judging the fact you have been taken down by a a woman twice as small as you and the fact the you cannot answer my one question that your very life depends on." I hear his sharp intake of breath.
"What was the question?" I didn't answer him for awhile. Then suddenly I straddle him with my gun, that was next to my knife on my waist, slammed down on his chest.
"Where is Dimitri Browningfield?" I say slowly.
"Who is he? An old boyfriend?" He chuckled at that, I press the gun more into his chest. "You're going to have to do a better job, I've had a gun pionted at me before."
My patience was running low, I toss my gun and bring my knife swiftly over his chest. Creating blood to appear. He gasped at the blood and squirms.
"Where. Is. Dimitri. Browningfield?" I raised the knife as if I planned to kill him. I didn't. Yet. He screams a little.
"Okay! Okay! He's in London! I talked to him yesterday! London England!" He screamed in a panicked voice. I smile and lean down to kiss his forehead, something I always do before a male target is about die.

"Thank you. I don't know to repay you. Any ideas?" Like all the other fallen targets, he thinks about it.
"Could you let me go so I can see my family again?"
"Just one question." He looks up at me curiously.
"What?"
"What family so you have?" He then looks a little shy.
"Just a dog."
"What a lucky dog." I get off of him and gesture for him to leave. He gets up slowly, due to his injures, gives a careful nod and walks away.

Not even ten feet away, I pull back my knife and let it leave my fingertips. He falls down with a groan. I walk up to him and pull him up so I can look at him.
"That's another thing we don't have in common- I don't keep promises to killers. Or turn my back on one." I kiss his forehead and drop him. The cops would soon find him and so I had to clean up my mess. Leaving no prints, blood, or hair of mine. It was a quick job, since I've done it for nearly ten years.

The sun wasn't anywhere close to revealing itself. I walked down the dark streets and turn down an alley. I stop in my tracks.
"You were suppose to be dead." The figure whispers at me. I smile and laugh a little. Recalling Mr. Croftin's words.
"That's funny. Your partner said that to me only a few minutes ago."
"Where is he?" He takes a few steps forwards, excepting me to take steps back. But I do not. I will stand my ground.
"Down the alley in 5th street."
"You didn't. did you?"
"I did."
"You bitch."
"He came after me!"
"No, he didn't." He fought.
"I was walking-" He threw himself at me, causing me to lose balance and stumble. He pinned me down.
"You will pay for this."
"You can't kill me Dimitri. I know you can't. Hey, how was London?"
I didn't receive the answer I wanted. He threw me a punch and i collapsed to the ground. Unable to move.
"I'm sorry Violet." He whispers and then leans down over me. His hands traces over my bruised cheek, but then all of the sudden. The knife that was always a resident on his waist was now on the my throat drawing blood.
"You know our history is deeper than blood, Dimitri." I whisper, not expecting him to hear me. But he stopped mid-stroke and his lips are now next to my ear.
"And that's why this history has to be erased. Goodbye Violet."
"Goodbye Dimitri."

This is very cool and well written, I'd love to see where this goes. I personally would inject a little more description and setting, but that's probably just me It definitely works, i like your quick dialogue and pace, which keeps everything moving smoothly and keeps us reading. The only thing that i find slightly 'off' is how Mr. Croftin fluctuates so easily between terror and flippancy in the face of death: ""Who is he? An old boyfriend?"" then a moment later "He screamed in a panicked voice." But since he gets killed off pretty sharpish it probably doesnt matter lol.
I have the first part of a story involving assassins/hitmen up at the moment too, please review

Baboon
P.S tbh i feel a bit sorry for the dog

You spelled pointed wrong, and you need to use a semicolon instead of a comma:

jessabelle4C wrote: "You're going to have to do a better job, I've had a gun pionted at me before."

You're also having a little trouble with your punctuation. You are leaving out some periods and commas here and there. When I see missing punctuation, it tells me this writer wrote this story in a hurry and didn't even bother to look it over and make it better. In other words, you're telling me you don't want to be a writer.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but incorrect puntuation is one of my pet peeves. It's the same for a lot of other people. Plus, you're going at this story in the, "he said, she said" perspective. A little more description, more complete sentences, and good punctuation is all this story needs. Then, you've got it down.

Hey, GPS here.

I pull out my knife that was concealed in waist.

I think this would look better like this;

I pull out my knife that was concealed in my pocket.

Or something like that. It doesn't make any sense otherwise.

I wasn't I was just simply doing my job.

I wasn't, I was just simply doing my job.

"And how am I careless?" He questions.

Maybe this would be better?

"And how am I careless?" He asks.

"Judging the fact you have been taken down by a a woman twice as small as you and the fact the you cannot answer my one question that your very life depends on." I hear his sharp intake of breath.

Hmm...

"Judging the fact you have been taken down by a woman half your size and the fact the you cannot answer my one question that your very life depends on." I hear his sharp intake of breath.

My patience was running low, I toss my gun and bring my knife swiftly over his chest. Creating blood to appear. He gasped at the blood and squirms.

'Creating blood to appear'? *shakes head*

My patience was running low, I toss my gun and bring my knife swiftly over his chest, causing blood to appear. He gasps at the blood and squirms.

It was a quick job, since I've done it for nearly three years.

It was a quick job, since I've been doing it for nearly three years.

There was one other thing I noticed. You were swinging between past-tense and present-tense quite a bit, and it confused me. I'd advise fixing it.

all-in-all, I like it, good job!

I hope I wasn't too harsh.

Happy YWSing!

I think you've got a great scene here. Apart from going over it for sentence structure (you missed a few words in some places), I think some more description would help. Make sure it isn't description just for the sake of description though. Make it add to the atmosphere. Gloomy shadows, grimy puddles etc. Those little details would bring this to life, and give the reader an idea of where it's taking place. At the moment the reader only finds out it's in an alley when she says it to the other person she meets.

Also give some description of the physical reactions of the characters. In that situation the victim is bound to be glancing around nervously for some form of escape, and the killer's heart is bound to be racing.

The victim seems a little inconsistent with his view on the situation. One moment he's scared, and the next moment he's defiant, for example, the old boyfriend comment.

"Thank you. I don't know to repay you. Any ideas?" Like all the other fallen targets, he thinks about it.
"Could you let me go so I can see my family again?"
"Just one question." He looks up at me curiously.
"What?"
"What family so you have?" He then looks a little shy.
"Just a dog."
"What a lucky dog." I get off of him and gesture for him to leave. He gets up slowly, due to his injures, gives a careful nod and walks away.

This section of dialogue is confusing because you say the victim's reactions on the same line as the killer's speech. Usually if there is an action on the same line as speech, one assumes the person doing the action was also the one speaking.

That'll be all from me. Bye.

Great job!! I was hooked!! i think you should write more!! (sorry, that's what i always say, trust me ik i've been typing it but it's TRUE)

I know i don't have any criticism, but i think ^^^^ those people up north pretty much covered it. So i'll just tell you that it's great and I think you should stick with this type of story, because you're good at it. you should incorporate your "Guardian angel" poem somewhere into this storyline if in fact you continue on with it.

thanks!
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