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Young Writers Society


Dipped in ink.



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Sun Sep 13, 2009 10:51 am
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gretchen says...



Disclaimer: I tried to write this in the style that L.M Montgomery does, but unfortunataly I think I have made a total mess of it. This is unfinished so please read and tell me if I should scrap it or keep going.
From, Gretchen xx
:smt003

Miss Polly Garet
Young Miss Polly Garet sat moping at the back door. Margrete the old unforgiving maid that she was had found a pile of Polly’s old baby clothes rumpled in the bottom of her dresser and had given them away to the Glens in return for a sewing pattern. They would never fit Polly, and suppose if she wanted to wear them out! Mrs Diana Garet would no doubt let her, it was Margrete’s duty!
As it was, Polly had tried to tell Margrete that they did still fit her, or at least her teddy, but Margrete persisted that she couldn’t just take then back, Polly only four did not grasp this concept. Mother would understand thought Polly sulkily, if she weren’t visiting her relatives, she doesn’t even like them anyway, I heard her tell father so herself! For it was true Mrs and Mr Garet had been visiting her old Aunt Edith whom nobody liked. It wouldn’t be half as bad if it weren’t just Margrete and me, Sulked Polly, as the three older Garet children were all in school. Polly needed to get her clothes! She had the persistence of her mother, that was clear. Really, all along Polly knew it would come to this, gathering her courage she put on her best Sunday dress and headed down the valley to the Glen house. It was dark by the time Polly reached the Glen House and she had tripped several times and ripped her dress. Polly was very shy and found it perhaps most difficult of all knocking on the great wooden door with the fashionable hinges. The lights are on thought Polly good. Soft footsteps neared the door and it was opened by Mrs Glen, a friendly soft-eyed woman.
“You poor child” she cried, “Heavens above what are you doing here so late?” Polly got straight to the point, using her best manners she asked, “Are you Mrs Glen?”
“why yes, child” answered a bewildered Mrs Glen.
“Good” said Polly “Because I’ve come to take my clothing back if you please”
Mrs Glen looked confused for a second but then smiled, “you must be Polly Garet” she said.
“oh yes” said Polly, Horrified that she had forgotten to tell Mrs Glen her name “Yes, My name is Polly”
“I see Polly, well why don’t you come in, I think I have something you would like to see.”
Polly followed Mrs Glen into a small room where two babies were curled up in their cots.
“This is Georgia and Grace” whispered Mrs Glen “Do you mind if they borrow your little clothes for a while? Just until they grow out of them, then you can have them back”
“Oh of course” said Polly “yes, I think that would be fine with Margrete, she was awful upset you know, but she really wanted that pattern”
“I’m sure she was” said Mrs Glen “would you like a ride home in our buggy? I’ll just get David to hitch it up”
After a warm glass of milk, Polly was settled in the Buggy and fast asleep, in fact Polly did not wake until the Buggy stopped right in front of Hillcrest. Margrete and Mrs Garet rushed out of the house “what happened?” asked Margrete but Polly was too tired to explain. She fell asleep on mother, while Mrs Glen told the story.


Lilyheart
Spring was upon the little houses in Drayton but perhaps it was upon one particular house especially, one house where there lived one very large family, with four very imaginative children…
“Look Polly, how beautiful it is to-day!” said Josie, Polly’s older sister with a tooth-less grin at her younger sister. “Can you see that great big bumble bee over there, he lives in one of those purple flowers at violet hutch, the ones that hang down and look just like a little house!”
“Oh” cried Polly the youngest child “does he live there all by himself, just like Margrete?” Polly looked slyly at Margrete.
“Mind your tongue Polly-May Garet you wicked child or I’ll not bake that roll cake that you so like!” said Margrete indignantly.
“Oh but Margrete it’s not called a roll cake” cried Josie almost teary eyed.
“For heavens sake child” clamoured Margrete “If it’s not called a roll cake then what is it called?”
“It’s a Fairy Crumble!”
“Fairy Crumble don’t be absurd!” Margrete marched into the kitchen still very much fuming from Polly’s comment.

“I’m going to be a pirate and have a magic sword!” exclaimed James the oldest child, dashing into the sitting room.
“I” said Samulle’ the second youngest child, drawing it out like a professional “Am going to be lion tamer, and” he drew it out further “I am going to be in the circus”
“You cant be a lion tamer!” snorted James seemingly very amused.
“Why-y not” wined Sam his lower lip began to tremble.
“You’re too little” Josie told him. Now Samulle really began to cry.
“But wont I grow” he whimpered in a tiny voice, lost in all that sobbing.
In came mother her new dress on. Mother always looks so beautiful. Thought James and suddenly began to feel guilty for making Sam cry. “I’m sorry mummy deawums” blurted out James “I’m sorry too” sobbed Josie, but somehow through all these apologies, for there were many, Sam had forgotten all about crying and was playing ‘Round a Ring of Roses’ with Polly! All five of them began to laugh though Polly and Sam didn’t understand why.
“That will always be the way with Sam” said mother “such a happy little man” they all began to laugh again.
* * *
“Where has Josie gone” called Margrete “I can’t see her with the other children”
“She went down to Sandy Bay with Lilyheart. I think” called back mother from the porch.
“If someone would tell me these things!” said Margrete under her breath, she liked Mrs Garet she really did, it was just that sometimes she could be so, so, so vacant, lost in that head of hers no doubt! Margrete was a sensible girl, brought up like that from birth, she had no use for an imagination, what good was it? Margrete’s thoughts were interrupted by a wet little child flinging itself at her knees.
“What” started Margrete sharply, but her heart melted when she saw that the child was crying. “What, is it Josie?’ said Margrete much more kindly. Suddenly it clicked, where was Lilyheart? “Where is Lilyheart?” her voice was still soft.
“Sh-sh-she g-got l-lost o-on the island a-and I broke the raft so I can’t save her” suddenly Josie broke out into choked sobs. Until then Margrete had never known how much she had loved that fluffy little kitten with the blue eyes! Trying to keep her cool composure but failing miserably Margrete rushed out to the porch and informed Mrs Garet. At once Mrs Garet presented them with the idea of using someone else’s raft, but the idea was immediately shot down by Margrete who had baked several cakes for the Drayton annual rafting competition that day.
Sam who had been listening from the doorway now entered the room. “I think I know how to get across” he said but when mother asked him how he just gave her a mysterious look. So down they went, all seven residents of Hillcrest to the River, Sam reluctant to give up his secret hiding spot lagged behind, Mother who noticed this went up to talk with Sam. “Are you sure you can get across?” asked mother “we wont blame you if you can’t”
“I can get across” said Sam revelling in the heroicness of his quest.
Long forgotten was the unease of giving away his hiding place. The group was now following Sam, round this corner over this branch, it seemed forever to everyone but Sam until they reached a bent out tree that curved to the island.
“Absolutely not” said Margrete
but Father cut her short “Let him try” everyone- even Margrete smiled encouragingly. Sam placed one foot onto the tree, then the other. Holding on with both hands he made his was steadily up the tree. Half way up Sam’s foot slipped, everyone gasped but Sam regaining his balance kept climbing. About two metres from the ground Sam slipped and fell onto his arm, a surge of pain shot through is body but he stood and walked dizzily to a gray blob that had to be Lilyheart. Sure enough it was the miserable little creature. Carefully Sam picked him up and put him in his pack. With his good arm Sam crawled up the tree, careful, careful don’t look down Sam looked. Beneath him swirled the currents of the river, he staggered and held on with both arms, pain overwhelmed him but he fought to keep consciousness, slowly, slowly he lowered himself onto the ground. Everyone cheered Sam was a hero, but he took no notice
“My arm” he croaked, Margrete inspected it, it was swollen up to the elbow.
“We’d best send for the doctor” was her final verdict. Father carried Sam and his pack to Hillcrest where they sent for the Starnad doctor, Sam remembered nothing about the whole visit, only after when he was laying in bed a tight bandage around his arm.
“What happened?” he asked Mother who had been knitting next to his bed.
“You broke your arm, dear” Mother replied. “You will have to stay in bed for the next seven weeks”
“School?” asked Sam.
“Definitely not” said mother pretending to be a doctor.
Sam smiled, the Jacob twins would be jealous!

A dreadful mistake.
Daphne Garet reclined in one of the porch chairs, her mousy brown hair spread about her head in messy coils. All the children were in school save Sam and Polly who were playing in the garden. The previous night James had asked her if he may please spend the night with the Jacob twins, who are no doubt the ruddiest boys in the Drayton school. Thought Daphne, but she had not said no, she had said she would think on it. It could be a learning experience, could it not? Daphne decided to talk it over with her husband Gabriel. Rising from thee chair she made her way into his study.
“Gabriel” she called as she entered the room.
“Mm hmm”
“Yesterday James asked me if he could go spend the night at the Jacob twins house…”
“Absolutely not!” cut in Gabriel. “those Jacob twins are nought but trouble!”
  





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Sun Sep 13, 2009 11:52 am
Hippie says...



I presume LM Montgomery is a classical novelist. To be honest, I think you need to get rid of the old fashioned voice. There's a good reason that writing these days is much more direct. Most people can't handle overly complex writing like this.

Is it possible you could cut down on characters? It's hard to keep track of lots of people if they're introduced at the same time. Supposedly the average person can only remember 7 things in their short term memory, so you need to keep it fairly minimalist. Once the reader's got to know a character, you can introduce more. There isn't really a limit to the number of characters, just the number introduced at once.

You also tend to jump around with the Point of View. If you're going to have multiple POV characters, try and stick with the same one through each scene.

I can't really tell you to scrap it or keep going, because that's up to you. If you do choose to keep going, I'd advise you to change the writing style to make it more contemporary, quicken the pace, reduce the number of characters, and possibly remove some unnecessary details.
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Sun Sep 13, 2009 1:54 pm
rustic_rebel says...



This was really nice. I think it could use a little work but it could totally work with a little effort in the right places. First off the MC's I'm not really sure who these are? So i'm guessing it's about all of them. I hate to say this but their emotions don't play out as well as they could, try to work on that but its still pretty good. I guess there is a plot? I can't really find it in here but it is early on. You're descriptions are real nice so keep up the good work. I have to say that this one sentence really bugged me,
said Josie, Polly’s older sister with a tooth-less grin at her younger sister.
You could write it more like this and it wouldn't be as odd.
Said Josie as she flashed a tooth-less grin at her younger sister, Polly.
Anyway great job! Keep writing on this, don't give up just yet it has a good start.
Keira
  





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Sun Sep 13, 2009 4:02 pm
82manycookies says...



Okay it needs some work, i must admit, but it was really sweet. You missed a few punctuation and that's about it. i don't think you butchered the story at all!
~Cookies
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Sun Sep 13, 2009 11:04 pm
HostofHorus says...



Ok, there are some typos in there, and I don't know that I like the Old style of writing. It was a pretty good story though. I say rewrite this part, changing the voice into something more modern, and then continue. Don't ever give up on a story or an idea. Someone is bound to love it.
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