Young Writers Society

I had a dream last night of a wolf like animal bounding through the woods, flanked by two muscular men. It then went on to show a clearing and I was suddenly the victim, caught in a bush. It was really quite odd.

Be harsh, be kind. Whatever, I just want honest reviews

***
The murky woodland began to ooze abhorrence, all in admiration for Eric’s equanimity. Cold and alone, he stumbled through the forest, occasionally glancing up at the rapidly darkening sky beginning to fear the worst.

Clutching at his neck desperately, he was alleviated to discover his pendant still present. Its intricate carvings feeling like silk against his dirt caked skin he tucked it back under his tattered shirt and patted it down.

Without warning the silence was pierced by a malicious growling. Rigorous alarm surging throughout him, Eric scrambled for a bush and fell into its displeasing grapple.

What remained of his shirt had now been completely torn in his haste, but it had proven wise for he heard a rustling. Prying the branches aside, his vision fell upon a large dog. It was sniffing the ground, gristle lining its teeth as it let out a low snarl.

Stagnant, Eric’s eyes gradually adjusted to the insufficient light and he realized the dog was not alone. A towering figure stood over it, a huge hand running over the dog’s muscular torso, setting it to ease.

Every muscle in Eric’s body screamed to be released from the tight hold he forced upon them, but he did not move. Knowing very well if he did then he would be no more than a pile of blood and bones.

The figure suddenly bent down at the knees and seemed to whisper something in its ear. The dog emitted a soft whine and bent its head, as if obeying a command.

Before Eric could move, the dog was rearing on its two legs. It’s front legs suddenly growing longer until they resembled that of arms, the same horrific event reoccurring through its legs. The dog howled as its fur began to retract, revealing skin that glistened with sweat.

The dog had now gone. In its place stood a man with his hands clutching at his face, ruptured breathing rippling through his muscular frame.

“Somebody is near, Luc” the man spoke, letting his hands fall from his face. His voice was grating and Eric cringed as the man named Luc spoke.

“Excellent” he replied, pulling something from his pocket.

Stunning Eric, a hiss broke the implausible quiet. An unexpected light pierced the dark and it was then that Eric’s blood ran cold.

Luc’s face was loathsome, an aura of severity about him. A deep scar ran from his eye down to his lip, accentuating a heavily broken nose. Two coal black eyes were barely visible beneath his severely low eyebrows and his head was of skin, not a trace of hair ruining his rigid appearance.

Luc held the match to a branch and handed it to the other man, instantly illuminating the surrounding area. The man was an exact duplicate of Luc, but his face was not scarred but was hidden in thick stubble as Eric had expected.

“I smell it too Darius” Luc held his nose in the air and breathed in deeply, “It’s hiding”.

Terror draped its shadowy cloth over Eric and he was trapped. There was nowhere else to hide. If he tried to fight, these two men could easily overcome him and running was just as impractical.

Darius stepped forward, several twigs breaking under the immense weight. Those twigs would be Eric’s legs if he dared move.

Within little more than two strides, Luc had cleared the ground between them and now stood in front of Eric’s feeble sanction. Inhaling fervently, Luc closed his eyes.

It was then that he met the daunting black eyes he had dreaded since he had perceived them. A slight smile crept over his face, emphasizing the deep wound he bore.

“What do we have here?” A vice like grip ripped Eric from the bush and flung him onto the rough forest floor.

Both men stood over him. They both were much bigger than Eric had first thought, and the thoughts of fighting he had once had were now completely gone. Darius shoved a boot in his side, and Eric groaned. He had never broken a bone, but the crack of his ribs told him otherwise.

“So you’re the one we’ve been sniffing out?" A deadly smile creeping over Luc's face...

Okay, I told you I'd point out the purple prose, so here's a few examples!

The murky woodland began to ooze abhorrence, all in admiration for Eric’s equanimity. Cold and alone, he stumbled through the forest, occasionally glancing up at the rapidly darkening sky beginning to fear the worst.

Clutching at his neck desperately, he was alleviated to discover his pendant still present.

Without warning the silence was pierced by a malicious growling. Rigorous alarm surging throughout him, Eric scrambled for a bush and fell into its displeasing grapple.

Those are just the first three, but there's plenty of places you do this. Too many adjectives! Rigorous alarm? I don't think that quite fits the meaning of "rigorous." It does mean "harsh," but it doesn't match the definition you're looking for. You could just leave it at "alarm" and be much better off.

That's just one example. ^^ My advice on this point is to focus more on character development and exposition than showing off your fancy vocabulary. Too many big words is jargon, and you lose your meaning.

Also, you don't explain why the character is freaking out in the beginning. All we have is a random guy freaking out. Not very interesting. You could benefit from some exposition before plunging into this thing with the two guys. And on that subject, your pacing is way too fast. I have no connection whatsoever to your character, so I can't really care about him. So this whole situation he's in is very uninteresting to me, because you haven't given me the chance to attach to this character and identify with him.

And the guys being there to "sniff him out" is kind of random and unexplained as well. I'm not sure if this piece has a "to be continued" element, but as it is, it doesn't explain anything about what's going on. Sure, there's ways to do that and have it be interesting, but since I haven't connected with your character, it doesn't quite work.

My advice is to focus less on the OMG THIS IS EVIL AND HE'S PANICKING and focus more on the "Why does my reader care?" aspect, because it seems you've lost that element for the sake of a dark flair.

One last tidbit -- when you have dialogue, such as:

“I smell it too Darius” Luc held his nose in the air and breathed in deeply, “It’s hiding”.

There should be a period after "Darius" but before the quotation marks (because the dialogue is its own sentence, and the narration that follows isn't a speech tag), after "deeply" should be a period (the next bit is a separate sentence), and the period at the very end should be inside the quotation marks (since the quotation itself is a complete sentence)

Gramatically correct, it should be:

"I smell it too, Darius." Luc held his [...] breathed in deeply. "It's hiding."

You make this error a few times.

So! Recap:
-Fewer adjectives
-More character development & exposition
-Keep an eye on your dialogue grammar!

PM me with any questions. ^^

Peace, love, and prosperity,
Teague

The murky woodland began to ooze abhorrence, all in admiration for Eric’s equanimity.

I have no idea what this is supposed to say. The woodland hates how Eric is calm? Looks like you just plugged in words from a thesaurus.

Clutching at his neck desperately, he was alleviated to discover his pendant still present. Its intricate carvings feeling like silk against his dirt caked skin. He tucked it back under his tattered shirt and patted it down.[/quote] Run on.

Rigorous alarm surging throughout him, Eric scrambled for a bush and fell into its displeasing grapple.

Rigorous alarm? What? Rigorous means precise, tough. Like, I take rigorous classes in high school. Wrong usage. I'm to lazy to look up what grapple means xD My vocabulary is not quite that big.

What remained of his shirt had now been completely torn in his haste, but it had proven wise for he heard a rustling.

What? His shirt was proven wise? The 'it' becomes a misplaced modifier.

A towering figure stood over it, a huge hand running over stroke[b] the dog’s muscular torso, setting it to [b]at ease.

Every muscle in Eric’s body screamed to be released from the tight hold he forced upon them, but he did not move.

Wait a second, who is 'them' in this context? It's unclear.

Before Eric could move, the dog was rearing on its two legs. It’s front legs suddenly growing longer until they resembled that of arms, the same horrific event reoccurring through its legs. The dog howled as its fur began to retract, revealing skin that glistened with sweat.

Ewww. Nice imagery!

Stunning Eric, a hiss broke the implausible quiet

How is the quiet implausible? I think it's very plausible in this case. I would be speechless if something like that happened.

“So you’re the one we’ve been sniffing out?" A deadly smile creeping over Luc's face...

So that's it? I feel cheated. Are you going to keep going with it, or is this it? Perhaps I need to read this again when my brain is actually working (it's almost 3 AM here) but I didn't find the ending satisfying at all. What's going to happen next?

Either case, my one advice to improve this story is to take out all those fancy adjectives because they have no place in the story. They stand out, most of them not even in the correct context, and they jarr the reader from the story.

If you were telling this story from an English professor's point of view for example, maybe words like that could actually work. But most of the time, your story doesn't need it.

That being said, there were some descriptive elements here that were nice and I liked the pacing. It's a creepy kind of story, which falls along my taste. Work on this

~ Audy

It's a good idea, though you've not revealed much of the story so far. You do need to watch your word choice, though. I think that you're trying to use too many big words, but are unsure of how to do it. Simplify. There's nothing wrong with simplicity, and it's often even more powerful than complicated literature. A few things I noticed:

The murky woodland began to ooze abhorrence, all in admiration for Eric’s equanimity.

I'm not exactly sure what to make of this...? I don't think something can be abhorred in admiration nor can abhorrence ooze in my opinion. If you're going to keep it, it should be, "in admiration of Eric's equanimity."

glancing up at the rapidly darkening sky beginning to fear the worst.

Requires a comma between sky and beginning.

Clutching at his neck desperately, he was alleviated to discover his pendant still present.

Don't try to use overly-complicated words if you're not sure of their meaning. You should say that, "he was relieved," not alleviated, or you could say that, "his fears were alleviated."

Its intricate carvings feeling like silk against his dirt caked skin he tucked it back under his tattered shirt and patted it down.

You need a comma in between skin and he.

Without warning the silence was pierced by a malicious growling.

Comma after warning I think.

Rigorous alarm surging throughout him, Eric scrambled for a bush and fell into its displeasing grapple.

No...just no. Alarm shouldn't be rigorous. Rigorous means strict or rigid. There is no such thing as a bush's displeasing grapple. A grapple is a fight and to grapple is to fight or struggle. Watch your word choice.

but it had proven wise for he heard a rustling.

What, "had been proven wise?" Don't forget the been and explain what you mean here. You also need a comma after wise.

Stagnant, Eric’s eyes gradually adjusted to the insufficient light and he realized the dog was not alone.

Just get rid of stagnant. It's incorrectly used and unecessary.

Every muscle in Eric’s body screamed to be released from the tight hold he forced upon them, but he did not move. Knowing very well if he did then he would be no more than a pile of blood and bones.

Join the two sentences together by adding a comma between them and get rid of the then and replace it with a comma.

The dog emitted a soft whine and bent its head, as if obeying a command.

I don't think that the comma in this sentence is necessary. Also, change, "the dog," to it and change the, "it," from the previous sentence to the dog. That way we know exactly what you're talking about before you move onto pronouns.

Before Eric could move, the dog was rearing on its two legs.

Say, "two hind legs." Sometimes, it's better to be specific.

It’s front legs suddenly growing longer until they resembled that of arms, the same horrific event reoccurring through its legs.

Say, "It's front legs suddenly grew longer." You don't need the, "that of," as it doesn't make any sense anyway. Reoccurring isn't a word. You're thinking of recurring, which is an adjective, not a verb. Through is a word, but it doesn't really work there.

ruptured breathing rippling through his muscular frame.

Ruptured means open or burst, etc...Ruptured breathing?

“Somebody is near, Luc” the man spoke, letting his hands fall from his face. His voice was grating and Eric cringed as the man named Luc spoke.

“Excellent” he replied, pulling something from his pocket.

When you include a quote, you need to put a comma after the quote and before the ending quotation mark in the place of a period before you can continue the sentence. Exclamation points and question marks should still be included, though, but not periods unless it's the end of both the quote and the sentence that it's included in, if any.

Stunning Eric, a hiss broke the implausible quiet.

I would not use implausable there. It's kind of wrong.

accentuating a heavily broken nose.

Good description. Accentuating is used perfectly here.

but his face was not scarred but was hidden in thick stubble as Eric had expected.

Don't use, "but" twice in a row like that.

“I smell it too Darius” Luc held his nose in the air and breathed in deeply, “It’s hiding”.

Comma after Darius, and put the period at the end inside the quotation mark.

Darius stepped forward, several twigs breaking under the immense weight. Those twigs would be Eric’s legs if he dared move.

Say, "under [/i]his[/i] immense weight." I like the comparison of the twigs to Eric's legs.

Eric’s feeble sanction.

I don't even know what you're trying to say.

It was then that he met the daunting black eyes he had dreaded since he had perceived them.

Who is the he in this sentence? Remember that sometimes, pronouns just won't do it.

A slight smile crept over his face, emphasizing the deep wound he bore.

Expand on this. How did the smile emphasize his wound?

They both were much bigger than Eric had first thought

Switch around the words both and were.

He had never broken a bone, but the crack of his ribs told him otherwise.

It didn't tell him otherwise. He still had never broken a bone as this was the first. Say that, "the crack of his ribs told him that was no longer true," or something like that.

A deadly smile creeping over Luc's face...

Crept, not creeping.