Young Writers Society

Okay I revised and edited so it should be okay now. You all can still critique if you like though...

The Dream Snatcher~

The sky is no longer a light blue anymore, no longer filled with the childish animal clouds. The sun has been long gone, not waiting for me to put my pajamas on.
I slide into my covers as my parents lean down to place an affectionate peck on each cheek.
“Good night Sandy,” they say, while turning my lights off. Straight away I’m plunged into an infinite darkness.
I look up at my dream catcher and stare. I hope that my dreams from the previous night will creep back as that imaginative movie that flows across my eyes.
Instead I am stuck with the large green monster peeking at me from inside my closet. I cannot breathe anymore. The fear is putting a clamp down on my lungs.
“Mama,” I croak softly. I can barely hear myself. I close my eyes and think of things I like. Ice cream, hot air balloons, puppies, and colorful things. But they are all consumed by that large green monster that peeks at me from inside the closet.
So I open my eyes and look out my window. A spindly arm of a tree branch is scratching at my windowsill. My eyes are frozen on this wicked sight.
“One…two…three…” I begin counting sheep as best as I can. But that large green monster is still peeking at me through the closet.
I glance up at my dream catcher that shifts slightly in the wind of the revolving fan. The cold makes my eyes shut slowly, but they quickly open again. The spindly arm want’s to be let in my room.
“No,” I utter quietly. The horrifying scratching sound stops. I am charged with energy. I have power now. I am no longer afraid. I could beat these monsters of the night.
As I sit up in bed I feel dizzy. I’m cast into a warp of moving figures climbing in through my window.
The shadows are hiking up my walls and are trying to intimidate me. They stretch taller and taller until they are spinning around on my revolving fan. They are trying to take my dream catcher down. I get up and fight them.
I throw my stuffed bear at the ceiling but they take advantage of the fan and throw my teddy bear to the ground. I then toss up my unicorn and it lands on the wooden floor in a sinuous heap with a soft thud.
My stuffed dog is next. It gets caught in the fan blade and it stops. Now the shadows have no weapon. But I am far from victorious.
The large green monster has its long arms wrapped around the closet door. It’s opening it and is now hanging in mid-air. I stand my ground, holding my dream catcher.
The large green monster isn’t so big anymore. Its long arms shrink and it remains hanging in midair.
“I am not afraid of you,” I declare. It drops to the floor and the lights turn on.
As I stand triumphantly at the edge of my bed my parents walk in.
“Sandy, what are you doing?” my mother asks. I quickly stumble down from my bed and rush into my mother’s open arms. I give her a warm hug as she wraps her arms around me.
“I won Mama. I beat the monster,” I say. I point over at my closet. She is baffled at my victory.
“Sandy I thought you told Nana that you were going to wear this tomorrow.” She said walking over to the green heap. “Why is it in a pile on the floor?” she picks up the enemy.
“But it was giving me nightmares,” I said. I looked down at my dream catcher and frowned. I quickly handed it to my mama and went over to my bed.
“Sandy, don’t you want this anymore?” my mama said, turning it over in her hands. Shake my head vigorously, no.
“Dream catchers catch your dreams and they don’t give them back,”

Wow, this i really good. The last sentence was perfect! I really liked how you explained your feelings of fear. I even liked how the enemy was your clothes that someone gave you, I thought that was a nice twist in there. I liked how you said your mind with what even I used to think when I was a kid. You did a very nice job. Keep writing more stuff like this, I love it!

Hi, Skittles! I'm Sunny, and I shall be your reviewer today.

Skittles wrote:The sky is no longer a light blue anymore, no longer filled with the infamous (This is used incorrectly, I believ. "Infamous" means something that is famous for a bad reason. Animal-shaped clouds do not qualify for this adjective.) animal clouds. The sun, it’s has been long gone, not wanting to wait waiting for me to put my pajamas on.

I slide into my covers as my parents lean down to place an affectionate peck on each cheek.

“Good night, Sandy,” they say, turning my lights off. I’m instantly plunged into an infinite darkness. (The reason I took out "an infinite" is because it sounds strange when put so closely to a word like "instantly".)

I look up at my dream catcher and stare at it. I hope that my dreams from the previous night will flow back as that imaginative movie that flows across my eyes. (All of this is a good attempt at nonconventional description, but it makes no sense. Plus, you have the word "flow" twice in one sentence. Just rephrase it so it's less confusing.)

Instead I am stuck with the large green monster, that peeks peeking at me from inside the closet. I cannot breathe anymore. The fear is shutting down my lungs.

“Mama,” I croak softly. I could can barely hear myself. I close my eyes and think of things I like. Ice cream, hot air balloons, puppies, and colorful things. But they are all consumed by that large green monster that peeks at me from inside the closet.

So I open my eyes and look out my window. A spindly arm of a tree branch is scratching at my windowsill. My eyes are frozen on this wicked sight. (I love this description. Good job. )

“One…two…three…” I begin counting sheep as best as I can. But that large green monster is still peeking at me through the closet.

I glance up at my dream catcher that shifts slightly in the wind of the revolving fan. The cold makes my eyes shut slowly, but they quickly open again. The spindly arm wants’ wants to be let in my room.

“No,” I utter quietly. The horrifying scratching sound stops. I am charged with energy. I had
have power now. I was am no longer afraid.

As I sit up in bed I feel dizzy. I’m cast into a warp of moving figures that are climbing in through my window.

The shadows are climbing (You used "climbing" in the previous sentence. Suggest a change.) up my walls and are trying to intimidate me. They stretch taller and taller until they are spinning around on my revolving fan. They are trying to take my dream catcher down. I get up and fight them.

I throw my stuffed bear at the ceiling but they take advantage of the fan and throw my teddy bear to the floor ground. I toss up my unicorn and it lands on the wooden floor in a sinuous heap with a soft thud.

My stuffed dog is next. It gets caught in the fan blades and stops it. Now the shadows have no weapon. But I am far from victorious.

The large green monster has its long arms wrapped around the closet door. It’s opening it and is now hanging in mid-air. I stand my ground, holding my dream catcher.

The large green monster isn’t so big anymore. Its long arms shrink and it remains hanging in midair mid-air.

“I am not afraid of you,” I declare. It drops to the floor and the lights turn on.

As I stand triumphantly at the edge of my bed, my parents walk in.

“Sandy, what are you doing?” my mother asks. I quickly stumble down from my bed and rush into my mother’s open arms. I give her a warm hug as she wraps her arms around me.

“I won, Mommy! I beat the monster,” I say. I point over at my closet. She is baffled at my victory.

“Sandy, I thought you told Nana that you were going to wear this tomorrow.” She said walking over to the green heap. “Why is it in a pile on the floor?” She picks up the enemy.

“But it was giving me nightmares,” I said. I looked down at my dream catcher and frowned. I quickly handed it to my mama and went over to my bed.

“Sandy, don’t you want this anymore?” my mama said, turning it over in her hands.

“Dream catchers catch your dreams, and they don’t give them back.”

OVERALL: This was very good. I do agree, you write excellent short stories. Your descriptions are wonderful, and most of the time they are original. My suggestions would be to watch your tenses. I noticed this was in present tense; sometimes you slipped up and put in some past tense. Just watch that. And also, your commas. Sometimes they aren't where they are supposed to be and sometimes they aren't there at all.

PM me for any questions, and good work!

~Sunny

Hi!
This is some great writing.

It captures just what bad dreams and imagination can do.
And the last line, is brilliant.

Its just so true, everything I thought, alone at night with only my mind for company.
I think this is an awesome short story, but if you tried to turn it to a novel or book, it would lose all its character.

Keep writing!

Definitely worthy of a gold star. This could be a short book for children, and I'm saying that as a compliment. You write in a way which pulls me in, and I recognize myself in Sandy. I hope you write more stories about Sandy and his life.

You have the usual problems that every writer suffers: grammer!!!!!! How many times do I have to tell you?! You're driving me mad!

Other then that, the story is very good and I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!!!!!

PS (Tell Sandy to try a nightmare catcher.)

PSS (stop stealing my names)

this story was so coooooooool!!! I really loved it....
i had written a story like this two years back... the monster under my bed had come out to be my dog!
do write more stories like this one

Thanks you guys...I revised it and took what you guys said and definetely applied! Please feel free to review it, because I think I changed some of it. Oh and if you like it please say so!!!

Comments in red.

Skittles wrote:Okay I revised and edited so it should be okay now. You all can still critique if you like though...

The Dream Snatcher~

The sky is no longer light blue, Took out anymore because it was redundant. no longer filled with childish animal clouds. The sun has been long gone, not waiting for me to put my pajamas on. The last part kind of dangles. Fix it?
I slide into my covers as my parents lean down to place an affectionate peck on each cheek.
“Good night Sandy,” they say, while turning my lights off. Straight away I’m plunged into infinite darkness.
I look up at my dream catcher and stare. I hope my dreams from the previous night will creep back as that imaginative movie that flows across my eyes. Wha...? I don't get this sentence.
Instead I am stuck with the large green monster peeking at me from inside my closet. I cannot breathe anymore. The fear is clamping down on my lungs.
“Mama,” I croak softly. I can barely hear myself. I close my eyes and think of things I like. Ice cream, hot air balloons, puppies, and colorful things. But they are all consumed by that large green monster that peeks at me from inside the closet. Repeated. Find another way to word it because the repetition isn't working.
So I open my eyes and look out my window. A spindly arm of a tree branch is scratching at my windowsill. My eyes are frozen on this wicked sight.
“One…two…three…” I begin counting sheep as best as I can. But that large green monster is still peeking at me through the closet. The repetition works here.
I glance up at my dream catcher, which shifts slightly in the wind of the revolving fan. The cold makes my eyes shut slowly, but they quickly open again. The spindly arm wants to be let in my room.
“No,” I utter quietly. The horrifying scratching sound stops. I am charged with energy. I have power now. I am no longer afraid. I could beat these monsters of the night. Eh, I'm not loving the past few sentences.
As I sit up in bed I feel dizzy. I’m cast into a warp of moving figures climbing in through my window.
The shadows are hiking up my walls and trying to intimidate me. They stretch taller and taller until they are spinning around on my revolving fan. They are trying to take my dream catcher down. I get up and fight them.
I throw my stuffed bear at the ceiling but they take advantage of the fan and throw my teddy bear to the ground. I then toss up my unicorn and it lands on the wooden floor in a sinuous I'm pretty sure that's not the adjective you want. :/ heap with a soft thud.
My stuffed dog is next. It gets caught in the fan blade and it stops. Now the shadows have no weapon. But I am far from victorious.
The large green monster has its long arms wrapped around the closet door. It’s opening it and is now hanging in mid-air. I stand my ground, holding my dream catcher.
The large green monster isn’t so big anymore. Its long arms shrink and it remains hanging in midair.
“I am not afraid of you,” I declare. It drops to the floor and the lights turn on.
As I stand triumphantly at the edge of my bed my parents walk in.
“Sandy, what are you doing?” my mother asks. I quickly stumble down from my bed and rush into my mother’s open arms. I give her a warm hug as she wraps her arms around me.
“I won Mama. I beat the monster,” I say. I point over at my closet. She is baffled at my victory. Baffled is not a word a little girl uses.
“Sandy I thought you told Nana that you were going to wear this tomorrow,” she said walking over to the green heap. “Why is it in a pile on the floor?” she picks up the enemy.
“But it was giving me nightmares, A little child doesn't know that. She thinks it's a real monster; she doesn't think it's a dress giving her nightmares. It'll confuse her to know that it's just a dress.” I said. I looked down at my dream catcher and frowned. I quickly handed it to my mama and went over to my bed.
“Sandy, don’t you want this anymore?” my mama said, turning it over in her hands. Shake my head vigorously, no. That last sentence isn't the sentence pattern a little child knows.
“Dream catchers catch your dreams and they don’t give them back,”

Final thoughts:

If it wasn't for the whole fighting the dreams thing, I never would have guessed this was a little kid narrating. She sounds old. Fix the voice. It sounds old from the first sentence, at least a teenager.

The plot is okay.

You can tighten up the fight scene by using short, choppy sentences. It makes the whole thing move faster.

All this is my opinion so don't take it as something definitive. PM me if you have questions.

Sincerely,

Kara

A good title that fits with the story. It was very simplistic which is what you would expect from a young child. At times though it seemed slightly unfoucsed. It didnt see to flow properly for me, seemed rather clumpy if you get what I mean. Highlighted the irrational fears that children have and the terrifying effect that the night and the dark can have of the simpilist things like a tree branch or a green piece of clothing. All in all, an ok read.

So I really really really liked this! It depicts the struggle a child has with their overactive imaginations and fears perfectly. I wish I was as brave as Sandy when I was a child, I never thought to fight the monsters instead of being overcome by them. I think this story has a good message, even if it's simple. I love the whole thing with the dream catcher. Althought dream catchers or generally only supposed to catch your bad dreams and not give them back, not good dreams. But this story kind of gave you the feeling that Sandy wanted to keep ALL of her dreams, not just the bad ones. I think you did a really great job with this. It was written very simply but I think it fits the story because of the childish theme. So really, what I've been trying to say this whole time is: I LOVED IT! Keep writing! This is brilliant!

~time8keeper

Hi, Skittle! This is sooo beautiful... one of the cutest thing I've read in my whole entire life. You describe everything soo... well and clearly. Being totally honest... I loved it!

The sky is no longer a light blue anymore, no longer filled with the childish animal clouds. The sun has been long gone, not waiting for me to put my pajamas on.

Wow! Now that's what I call "being creative"!

“Sandy I thought you told Nana that you were going to wear this tomorrow.” She said walking over to the green heap.

There should be a comma between the dialogue and the tag line instead of a period (the words used to identify the speaker: "he said/she said")

“Dream catchers catch your dreams and they don’t give them back,”

There should be a period instead of a comma, because the next words are not "He said, She said, Maria said, John yelled... etc."

Hope this helps!

Thanks so much Solvalery, it's did help!

It was a pretty good story. It really captured a childs perspective on bad dreams. The voice didnt really match the character all too well though, that is if your character is in fact a child and not just someone rolling on somethin fierce.

Your story was good. I am always a sucker for the monster in the closet. I am not going to go though and tell you your punctual errors and spelling faults, seeing everybody already beat me to it. The only thing i would have like to seen more in this is a better description on the girl, a little better look at the monster, and the setting, via the room. I like to get a good visual of what im reading. Other than that, your plot was baller. Keep up the good work.