Young Writers Society

This is something I wrote for school. I took it out of a piece of a larger story/novel I was writing, and made it fit the "occasion" that my teacher wanted. Hope you like!

I knew it was there. I knew from the crunch, crunching sound of dead leaves. I knew, but couldn't see. I looked to Kayla, then back to the forest, and back again to Kayla. Her brown eyes met mine, and I could see her thoughts. See what she was going to do. My eyes widened, and I opened my mouth to stop her. opened, then closed. I couldn't say anything. My fear for her safety silenced me. And my love for her opened my eyes. I could see now. See the creature-whatever it was- the creature lurking behind the trees. I could hear the growl of its breaths, and smell the fear of Kayla's heart. The creature growled again. A low, rumbling sound. Like that of a far off waterfall.
Then Kayla began walking, walking towards the black forest. She knew that she was heading for a certain death. And I knew that she knew. The wind came towards me, and I heard its secrets. It told me that the creature was hungry, hungry for us. My heart exploded with my love for Kayla. I ran, ran towards the woods. Forever getting closer, closer, closer still. I hear Kayla's scream from behind me as I ran into the blackness. I felt the sudden, but quick stabbing pain. The pain of death. I could smell my own blood and hear the creature's crunching, crunching my bones. I hear Kayla's screams. And for one second her face flashed before me. Then another pain. The pain of death.

My teacher left a note at the bottom of my paper when he handed it back to me. This is what it said.

Lukan,
Your story ACTUALLY gave me the chills. No joke. The ending was especially vivid. WELL done!

I'm happy for your success with the teacher; it's well deserved.
This piece was very well written, and I enjoyed every bit of it.
I've got some suggestions for future projects:

Repetition
For this kind of short story, your way of repeating certain things fit's in well. However, when you repeated the word "creature", it felt a bit overused. I would be careful with what you repeat, and most of all; how you repeat it.

"But" should indicate difference.
In the end, your character experienced a "sudden but quick pain". To me, sudden and quick are similar words, if not synonyms. I would have switched "but" to "and".

Keep writing!
Your way of expressing the fear and thrill of this scene was spectacular, and you've got a great narrator inside you. Keep practicing and exercising, and your inner voice will become even more brilliant.

Hey there. For this story's shortness, you've sure packed a lot of emotion in

I could hear the growl of its breaths, and smell the fear of Kayla's heart.

Most of your emotional portrayal sounded good. This however, didn't click for me. I think the idea of smelling something on someone's heart (or any other internal organ) is what did it. I know it's not what you intended, but it conjures up the image of someone actually sniffing someone's heart.

Bit of repetition used well can be a good thing. I think you may have gone a little overboard (don't take this as gospel though. It is after all an art, not a science. Just something to consider).

The other issue with your repetition is that it's filled with comma splices. This:

Then Kayla began walking, walking towards the black forest.

should be:

Then Kayla began walking. Walking towards the black forest.

Judging by the shortness, ther was probably a word limit. However, if you can squeeze in an extra couple of sentences, it would be nice to get a better idea of where each person is in relation t each other. At the moment it's confusing as to who's standing where.

Anyway, I'm glad your teacher gave you positive feedback (which you deserve).

This is an interesting piece.
I like how you managed to build up and describe your characters feelings by using their movements and whatnot, you really did manage to pack it with a lot of emotion from start to finish. Now I know, since this was meant for school, that you meant for this to be as short as it was, but if I was you I would seriously think about expanding on your work.
I really love monster stories, so in my opinion I would love to see you bring this monster to life by using your techniques.
PM if you continue with this.