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BlackRise (Updated)



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Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:20 am
SashaandCale says...



(Here it is. I did some adjustments. Should I continue posting or does this one need more work?)

I awoke, panting; Another nightmare to add to the list- every day it just gets worse and worse. This has been going on every since I met him, Andrew; I looked around the room nothing but pure darkness. I sighed noticing there was no moon out tonight. I reluctantly pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep only to wake up to another nightmare.

...

I locked the door behind me as I headed off to school. I placed my keys securely in my front pocket. I already missed the bus, my father was off at work, my brother had a hangover, and my mother she had died when I was little due to a physiological disorder or in other words committed suicide. I have to walk four miles to school.

"This is ridiculous."

I took out my phone from my tight pocket.

"It's 6:50, great." I said aloud. I didn't bother rushing; I knew I was going to be late anyways. A few minutes passed. I was finally out of the noisy plaza and into the calming neighbourhoods. I still had a long way to go. I don't mind. I walked in the silence of the early morning. My curly hair danced in the breeze. The smell of sweet flowers filled my nostrils. I walked into a section of gorgeous Oak tree's lining the brick wall of the high standard neighbourhood I had now entered. All of a sudden I got an urgency to glance up and I did. In the distance I could see something dangling from one of the far Oak trees. My pace quickened.

It was large. As I got closer I could make out long blond hair, short arms and legs.

"It's a body of a child." I whispered in utter horror.

I ran towards it. The girl looked around eight years old. Covered in bruises and cuts the little girl hung lifeless from the tree, swung over a thick branch. I was afraid to touch her but I had to make sure she was dead. I raised my hand to her chest. I held my breath. No pulse. I grabbed my phone and dialled 911. All of a sudden a hand was upon me, squeezing my neck with no mercy. My phone dropped.

I could hear the 911 operator on the other line. I tried to speak but couldn't catch my breath.

It was the girl, she had jumped down from the tree. Her small hands were wrapped around my neck. I tried to push her, hit her; anything but I was too shocked to even move my body. Her eyes were hardly visible. Only hollow black holes. I stared into them in interest. Her white face so small, so innocent?

"Ha. He hasn't told you yet? That's great! I might be dying but at least I can have one last try." She said her voice so innocent but her words so disturbing.

"I can't believe you guys are that close and he keeps his secret from you." She laughed.

"St...op." I managed to say through harsh breath's. She giggled as if she were playing with a toy.

"I can't say his name but let's just say he's the guy your in love with."

She smiled.

I couldn't breathe. All of a sudden her grip loosened and loosened.

"No, no! Not yet!! I'm almost done!" She yelled.

I watched as her body started to dissolve as if being swallowed up by fire, slowly crumbling down, her body being dragged by the breeze.

"I'm not the only one of my kind you'll encounter!" She roared as her mouth slowly crumbled away. I watched the rest of her body vanish. All that was left was a pile of ashes. I stumbled onto the floor, gasping for air. I felt dizzy and weak. I couldn't get up. Everything was spinning around me. As if things couldn't get any worse I began to sob.

"That poor little girl."

I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

...

When I woke. I was lying on the floor besides a pile of ashes. I guess I really didn't dream what happened. I grabbed my phone and quickly scanned through my call log. The last call I made was yesterday. That can't be I called 911 today, I heard the operator. I know that happened. I still have the red hand marks around my neck and ashes to prove it. I must be going crazy? I gathered up my thoughts as I opened my book bag.

"I'm not going crazy. I can't be." I shook my head in fear.

I pulled out my lunch, just a small sandwich and threw it over the brick wall, keeping only the plastic bag. I used my hands to get all of the ashes into the bag. They were hot so it took me longer than expected. I stuffed it into my book bag. Then without warning I burst into tears.

"What's wrong with me?" I yelled.

I buried my face in my hands. For the next few minutes that's all I could do, cry. I finally got the courage to stand up.

"I have to be strong, I have to believe in my self."

I listened as the tardy bell rang for second period. I have to find who "he" is. Once I find him I'll know I'm not alone in this situation and I already have an idea on who it is. I hurried across the street into school. Let's just hope my acting skills are as good as my lying skills.
"Be the change you want to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi


"Happiness is like a butterfly the more you chase it the more it will elude you but if you turn your attention to other things it will come and sit softly on you shoulder." Thoredu
  





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Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:57 am
xLogan says...



I don't see any change but go to the last version of this story and look at all the mistakes I pointed out! :)


Logan.
"People are afraid to die, but are also afraid to live."

[•_•]
robot fayce
  





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Sun Nov 29, 2009 8:16 pm
CaitlinGrant says...



Hey! I like this story, and i think it has a lot of potential. At some parts, though, it's confusing. for example, you mention Andrew in the first sentence, and then you never refer to him again, not even in foreshadowing or anything. i would have thought that since she had nightmares after meeting Andrew, that while she was walking she might think about him a little or something like that. also, in the end when the girl says that 'he' is the boy she's in love with, then shouldn't the main character know who the boy is, instead of just saying she has an idea? idk, that didn't make sense to me.
some small things about word choice:
'Her eyes were hardly visible. Only hollow black holes. I stared into them in interest. Her white face so small, so innocent?'
I don't think that if this happened to someone they'd be staring at the eyes with 'interest', you know? maybe something like terror. Also, i think you could probably blend the first two sentences here together to make something like:
'her eyes were hardly visible, only black hollows in her small white face'. that way, you don't have to add the last sentence in the part i pulled out. the question make after the word innocent... i'm not sure why thats there either, since she's not asking a question. also, you alternate between the character feeling sorry for the girl and using words like innocent, to then saying she was trying to hit her to get away and was terrified... try and be more clear about her emotions towards the girl.
other than that, there isn't much i have to say. i definitely like this story and i think it has a lot of potential, so i'll be looking for the next chapter! Oh, by the way, if you need a story to review, feel free to check out mine, fire on water!! I have the first three chapters up and would definitely appreciate a review. don't feel obligated, though. :D
'I didn't know that I could ever forgive him for everything he'd done to me. Now that I looked back on it, that he'd put a child through such torment seemed even worse. But right now, it wasn't him I was forgiving or thanking. It wasn't even about him.
I was forgiving myself.' -Speak Into Silence
  








u can't have villains exist just 2 b villains
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