Young Writers Society

In sooth, I must concur with Lady Boni; 'twas with the purest of mine owne intentions to make it a European tale.

(So I haven't spoken Olde English lately.... Haha)

~Tarver

Hhhmm…where to start? Well, first of all, the story was really good in its overall aspects. The movements in the story were easy to follow and interesting. For such a short story it was easy to identify and picture the characters. From the very beginning, it was a captivating and intriguing story and it never lost that quality as its plot developed. It really is quite an amazing story for how short it is. I like how it has a definite conclusion too. HOWEVER, I, unlike most of your other critics, believe that it needs some major polishing.

Here are a few of my suggestions, but I’ll have to get into the nitty gritty things later:

In the beginning you described the duke as jovial and then later he is very dark, scheming, and perpetually grumpy. Since it is a SHORT story I think you should keep his moods consistent and just stick with the solemn part of his personality.

Also, I found it confusing about who was Eli’s girlfriend. It seemed strange that Braea was the one to invade Eli’s space and get within two inches of his face and not have her be the girlfriend or at least not know where the girlfriend was.

Then there are issues within the plot itself. I think that this Duke guy, would have simply decided to have Barclay executed or murdered and have been done with it. If his disposition was as you described, to see peasants as lowly, not worth his boot property, then he wouldn’t mull over what to do with this silly guy so much. Also, the transition into what is going on with Barclay that night and whether or not he has killed the other players is hazy. Is Barclay truly demented or is he just acting as part of the scheme to kill the duke? Are the 3 players actually phantoms who kill the Duke at the end? How does the whole purpose of Barclay’s ambition and Eli’s suicide tie in with the assassination plan?

The bones of the story are a little weak at this point, they need some restructuring and support. However, the skin of the story is awesome. It’s great how you described so much within so little text. You took us through a banquet in a medieval manor castle to the duke’s living quarters in 10 pages and still kept us interested; that’s great.

Well, that’s it for now, but if you want me to really take it a part for you and make pointed suggestions, then just let me know. Thanks for sharing, it was a good read.
-Brooke

Hey,
that was an awesome story, really nicely done. In regards to the Dukes temperment, you dont necessarily need to stick to one mood; that would be boring. What you need to do, is introduce the new mood with reasons backing up the shift. eg "...based on (something, something), he began to see the peasants in a new light"- Do you see what I'm saying?
Otherwise 'twas an awesome story

Wow. I am massively impressed. As I've noted many, many times, I am a sticler for historical accuracy and, though you didn't specify which time period this is, there wasn't any detectable era-hoppings. As far as criticism goes, I think everyone else has just about got it, though I think maybe some of the language could have been a bit more authentic, but I'm nit-picking.
Breae was brilliant. I can see her so vividly in my mind; I know people like her *shudder*. And the way she used her tambourine as emphasis was excellent. I think she and Barclay were the best of your characters (I'd like to see more of Elijah. Perhaps you could add a bit at the beginning as a prologue-y type thing. Maybe a chapter or so on the conditions of the peasants and the extent of their oppression).
I definately think you should continue it and in the event that you do, I'm excited to see what you'll do with it.
Much luck and praise

The horror never stops.