Young Writers Society

This is part of a story I may or may not write. I used it as part of a presentation for my creative writing class. I realize that it may seem a bit Heroes-ish. I realized that after I wrote it. oh, well. comment away.
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I knew who he was even if he didn’t know me…I was just a random girl…a victim he came to torture and kill. The latter something that he didn’t achieve. I’ve heard news of him for years. A sadistic man who preyed on young girls, torturing them and killing them for his pleasure. There was no other motive other than that. It was this that defined him as a suspected serial killer to the authorities. The news said he targeted girls between the ages of 12-19. The age range made them suspect him a rapist at first…but they don’t know how wrong they were. My mom warned me to be careful…but I didn’t listen to her. I never thought that it could happen to me.
I didn’t know what to look for. What was he supposed to look like? He could be any random guy on the street. But I knew his name…Corrado. An alias, surely, but a name all the same. I soon found out. I should’ve known better than to walk down a dark alley. A dark figure was trailing behind me…wearing dark, nearly black clothing. His face was obscured in the shadows. I began to run, but he was faster than most men. He soon caught me. I have never been more terrified in my life. He had a numerous amount of knives. I felt my heart pounding a thousand times faster than normal.
“Don’t be afraid,” he whispered in my ear in an eerily calm voice. The voice of a psychopath.
“You monster,” I hissed, and I screamed as I felt my blood spill onto the pavement.
I felt a rush of relief when I awoke. I was alive…with the only evidence of that madman’s work displayed in gashes all over my body. I steeled myself. He was gonna pay. I would make sure of it.

Hello, there. I'm Hannah. ^^ Nice to meet you.

I'll try to put this as nicely as I can, but I do believe if that you honestly want to use this idea as part of a story, this should be completely rewritten. The first thing you should look at is pacing. This is an important part of the story. If it's not, then allude to it in the actual story and leave this out altogether. If it is, you need to take more time describing it. If you want it to feature in your story, describe what happens instead of telling it to the reader and firing fact after fact at us like bullets.

- There is this guy prowling.
- He preyed on girls.
- My mom said to be careful.
- I went in an alley.
- He chased me.
- I woke up and had cuts and wanted revenge.

That's all I really get from these few paragraphs. I don't feel her being scared, I don't feel the tension in the community before the event, and there's no real display of her not caring about the warnings except that she says she didn't. Also, just the phrase 'dark alley' sings of unoriginality, and even if you need to have her assaulted in a dark alley, make it something more than 'a dark alley'. Make it 'the' dark alley so that we won't forget it. It doesn't mean describe everything to minute detail, but you should inject this writing with some emotion.

Because of the stiffness of the whole beginning of this part, when the narrator says 'you monster', a phrase that I can only read as full of disgust and hate and power, it doesn't fit at all. You haven't led me to believe that the narrator is the kind of girl that would say something like that in face of danger, because you haven't told me about her at all. Because of that, you haven't earned the right to use such a loaded phrase.

If you want this as a quick prologue before you actually tell the story, I'd recommend leaving it out altogether. You can imply these events without having to tell them. Otherwise, you need to take the time to flesh this out into something that makes the reader care about what happens next. You expect them to care just because someone was hurt and wanted revenge, but we don't identify with the characters at all yet.

Let me know if you have any questions, okay? Keep writing!

It's a good idea. But it needs something to make it unique. There are all kinds of stories like this out there. Show us what you have that is different. I'm sure you have some more ideas to add to this. Keep going. And keep writing.