Young Writers Society

Andrew felt his pulse racing, the downtown area was an absolute nightmare. Stores were demolished their items lying about on the road. A gas station had exploded obliterating an antique store next to it, and toppling traffic lights. The concussion waves had shattered the windows of buildings on the other side of the road. A police cruiser with its lights flashing and siren still blaring was parked on a curb. Its front windshield was peppered with bullet holes.
Andrew was thankful that the car was blanketed in shadow. The interior of the car was darkened as if it were tinted, hiding what he didn't need to see. Andrew hesitated, wanting to tell Daniel to stop and check if the cops were alive. Forget it, it's too late. If they were alive they would have called for backup. Judging by all the police cars and cops flooding the downtown area as far as the eye could, see all of Mandan’s police force was already dispatched.
Besides the damage to structures and automobiles, the mayhem of the people was his immediate concern. Stores still standing were being ransacked by mobs of people. The poor owners and employees could only flee for fear of being killed in the raids. "I don't understand how civil unrest could have broken out so quickly," Andrew said. In reality Andrew wasn't surprised he knew not all people had the power of will to suppress their inner beast. Only through experience do I know how it feels to go through a sudden life changing event.
He scanned his chaotic surroundings. The more he looked at it the more scarier the situation became. A cop was standing over a looter cuffing his hands behind his back. One looter was now in custody. Out of how many?
"That's the thing. We have always been living one disaster away from a state of anarchy," Daniel said honking his horn at the swarms of people. One gruff looking man dropped a widescreen television in the middle of the road. A man wearing a raincoat approached and bent down to retrieve the television. The gloves that the man wore wear as black as the television. For a second it looked like he was picking it up for the other man. But when he began to mosey off with it Andrew knew otherwise. The old saying, "There is no honor among thieves" couldn't be more true.
Daniel had no choice but to halt in the road. A car behind them not anticipating the sudden pause grinded to a stop. Its tires squealing like a wild animal. Gruffy shouted out a stream of profanities and punched Raincoat in the back of the head. Raincoat staggered slightly. When he regained his balance he set the TV downtown the road and turned to face Gruffy.
"You have three seconds to back away," said Raincoat shoving a hand into his coat. Gruffy took a step forward and spat in Raincoats face. Raincoat pulled his hand out of his coat brandishing a handgun. Before Gruffy could react Raincoat shot him in the face. The shot boomed like a cannon. Stacey covered her mouth with a hand muffling a scream. Her body shook as she squeezed her hand over her mouth. Tears ran down her eyes and down her cheeks.
Gruffy was dead before he hit the floor. People everywhere dropped what they were carrying and fled the grisly murder. The traffic behind them was driving in reverse in a futile attempt to get away. All they accomplished was bumping into one another jamming themselves together. Andrew's arms trembled with involuntary spasms of shock. He could not believe that they had just witnessed an act of savage cold-blooded murder. All for a measly stolen television. Did evil know no bounds? Andrew was about to find out, because Raincoat was staring right at him as he lifted the TV off the ground. The gun was still in his grasp.
Andrew felt goose bumps on his arms and neck. Andrew couldn't stop his body from shaking. The man's emotionless gray eyes lingered on his, and then shifted to Stacey and Daniel. "What are you kids looking at?!" he rasped. Nobody replied. Raincoat remained were he was blocking the road. Andrews pulse and heart raced, he was truly fearing for his life. This man was crazy. If Andrew had been behind the wheel he would have ran the man down, hoping he'd get the message and get out of the way.
Andrew sneaked a quick peek at Daniel and saw that he was in as much trauma over the execution as he and Stacey were. Stacey still had her hand pressed over her mouth and seemed to be biting into it with her chattering teeth. Her eyes were puffy and reddening. She had already cried enough to last a life time prior to this. Her other hand had her seat belt in a trembling death grip. Her knuckles were white as bone.
"W-why is he j-just st-t-anding there?" Stacey whispered out of the corner of her quavering lips. Raincoat casually lifted the hand holding the gun an inch, as if straining to point it at them while still carrying the TV. At the sound of a siren Raincoat let his gun clatter to the ground. He kicked it next to Gruffy’s limp right hand. Then he shuffled off with the television.
"He made it look like a suicide," Andrew said, watching Raincoat melt into a dark alley. A police car with flashing red and blue lights was coming in fast. Great, now they were going to be questioned for an apparent suicide. The cops didn't even glance at the dead body as they zoomed past on the other lane.

In the first paragraph where it says: "A gas station had exploded obliterating an antique store next to it, and toppled traffic lights."
There are two tenses going on here... if you've got an 'ing' on the obliterating you need an 'ing' on the toppled. Making it: "A gas station had exploded, obliterating an antique store next to it and toppling the traffic lights." (You can work with that a bit more though )

When Stacey is first mentioned (in the sixth paragraph) it seems a bit sudden, as if she appeared out of nowhere. Maybe you could mention her in the part where Daniel and Andrew are talking? Then she won't seem so strange

Also, just for the sake of pace and clarity, put some more commas in there. For example; "Judging by all the police cars and cops flooding the downtown area as far as the eye could see, all of Mandan’s police force was already dispatched." Another example is in the last paragraph: “ "He made it look like a suicide," Andrew said, watching Raincoat melt into a dark alley.”

Awesome story though Fantastic descriptions.

Hi So, let me see what I can do to help you. Before I go into a long critique or whatever, I want to say that I liked this. it's a good idea and has a lot of potential... maybe i can help u realize that potential at least a little bit. Oh, and by the way, are you really an aspiring author? (so, contacting lit. agents and publishers?) because i'm doing the same thing, so i think it's cool that there's someone else here

AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote:Andrew heard Stacey gasp. A police cruiser with its lights flashing and siren still blaring was parked on a curb. Its front windshield was peppered with bullet holes.

Okay, first off, I think that you should introduce Andrew in the first paragraph, even if you just say that 'Andrew took in the demolished downtown area, trying to control his shock and fear.' or something like that. Also, why does Stacey gasp? explain that.
maybe change your second sentence to 'A police cruiser was parked on a curb, its front windshield peppered with bullets (exclude the 'holes'). There was no sign of life inside, but the car's lights were still flashing as it's siren blared--it was too loud in the stillness' or maybe it blended into the loud chaos... whatever.

AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote:Andrew was thankful that the car was blanketed in shadow. The interior of the car was darkened as if it were tinted, hiding what he didn't need to see.

You say the car is in shadow, but later it's on a road and they're in the middle of stuck traffic because of the killer. so... how does that work? And you say 'hiding what he didn't need to see' talking about something inside the car. What does that mean?

Andrew wrestled with the idea of telling Daniel to stop and check if the cops were alive. Forget it, it's too late. If they were alive they would have called for backup. Judging by all the police cars and cops flooding the downtown area as far as the eye could see, all of Mandan’s police force was already dispatched.

The first sentence sounds a little awkward. you could just simply say 'Andrew hesitated, wanting to tell Daniel to stop and check if the cops were alive, but he dismissed the idea.'

AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote:"What are you kids looking at?!"

how old are Andrew, Stacey and Daniel? you don't have to give an exact age, just subtly slid in the fact that they're in their late twenties or thirties or whatever age they are.

Overall critquing:

Now here is where you want to start talking more about your characters--make them real. tell us what they're doing in the town: are they there trying to save people, or as civilians trying to escape? and if they were trying to escape, what are they doing in the downtown area, which you clearly display as being dangerous? do they live there? are they tourists? is there anyone they know that they're particularly worried about? talk also about Andrew's relation to the other people in the car, because right now all we have are names of these people. try to incorporate the answers to these questions in your story.

Also: you're focusing on the broad scene, and then you suddenly are talking about two people supposedly in front of the car. Why didn't the police (who you mention are all around) do anything to stop what was happening? And also, you say that 'people everywhere stopped what they were doing and fled the grisly murder', but that doesn't fit with what you were describing before. i was thinking of a completely ransacked downtown area where riots were running freely. so if people were ransackings tores and forcing shop owners to flee, then no one would really be paying attention to what was going on, much less stop. during riots people die and the rioters wouldn't just stop and run at a gunshot.

that is where people reach a flaw in the story so far: if this place is being rioted, why are people waiting in their cars for the traffic to start moving again? it doesn't make sense, like i said before. you could have Andrew, Stacey and Daniel hidden in the shadows, trying to run away or trying to find someone, but they wouldn't be in a car, nor would the other people who are in the traffic jam.

Throughout the chapter, try to make it clear that this is from Andrew's point of view, though not first person. show us his emotions, how he's feeling, what he's thinking.

if the cops were to investigate the murder, there would be no question of it being a suicide: records would show that the gun didn't belong to the dead man and fingerprints would show he never had his hand on the gun. there were witnesses (all the cars and the cops you mention being around) and finally, coroners can tell from the angle that the bullet entered the body whether the person could have shot himself... and if this person was shot in the head it would be obvious it wasn't suicide.

There is so many looters that the cops are arresting that they are overwhelmed. And the car is blanketed in shadow because the sky is dark because of the storm that had been raging all day. I'll be sure and incorporate that the Raincoat guy was wearing gloves so the finger print thing is out. And the angle of the shot? Well the world is in chaos so the police have much worse immediate concerns than investigating just one crime. Of course my story takes a huge turn where doing such a thing would be irrelevant anyways. The event that caused the anarchy is not limited to the area where the characters are. And what they are doing in town in a truck, not a car is driving to a bar that the girl named Stacey thinks her father may be. Her father being a heavy drinker and all. So she assumed that he would have hid in a room in the bar while the chaos was happening, he wouldn't have bothered going home to find his daughter.

Oh, okay then well good job on the story, i'm liking it so far