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Invasion of Israel



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Thu Dec 31, 2009 1:07 am
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



(The family in the piece below consists of devote Jews. Don't let the religious hints put you off though, they aren't too big. The setting is in an Israeli desert. No neighbors for miles. Part of a novel where everyone was already introduced and described. Though, I know it still seems odd how they react. Remember this is a fantasy story)

Eitan and his family watched the bird of prey in the tree. The eagle had grown deathly still and its keeping its beak shut was much worse than its blood curdling shrieks. Jonina stood up on her tip toes trying to get a better look at the eagle perched on the tree. The animal was as still as the car parked under the tree. Eitan bent down next to Jonina and said, "Do you want a closer look at the birdy?"
"Yes, big brother. Please?" she said tugging on his shirt sleeve.
Eitan crouched down and let Jonina climb on his back and helped her get on his shoulders. When he was certain that she was secure he picked himself up off the ground. Ochria smiled. The stars and moonlight bathed Eitan and his family in it's ghostly white light. The eagles predatory eyes glowed like ambers.
"Hi, birdy. I can see you. Can you see me to?" Jonina said curling Eitan's hair. Eitan winced when she accidentally pulled a strand of hair off his scalp.
"Sorry big brother."
"It's OK Jonina, I was supposed to be getting a haircut soon anyways," Eitan said.
"You got a hair cut three days ago," Zeev said. Eitan looked at his brothers mane of dark hair. Now he's the one in real need of a hair cut. Strange whooshing and roaring sounds could be heard coming from the north. Where they air planes? Travelers passing by on vehicles? Or just the wind?
What wind? The night was as breezeless as any. It was chilly, but not windy. "Namir what is it?" Ochria said grabbing a hold of her husband. Namir wrapped an arm around his wife and held her close.
"Zeev, Eitan, Jonina come to your parent’s side please I don't want to be apart from you when they get here," Namir said his voice full of emotion.
This is really happening! The attack is underway! Eitan trembled with fear.
"Daddy? What do you mean?" Jonina said sniffling. Eitan felt a tear moisten a small area of the skin on his right arm. He looked down at and saw a tiny shiny droplet of water on the upper side of his forearm.
"Jonina, whatever happens do not be afraid," Namir said. Jonina began to tremble all over and became heavy on Eitan's shoulders. He crouched down and told her she could get off.
"No big brother I'm scared," she said refusing to get off and gripping clumps of his hair in each of her tiny fists. Zeev walked past Eitan his feet shuffling in the dark.
"Jonina get off your brother and come here, I want you by my side," Ochria said. Eitan was amazed by how authoritative yet compassionately motherly her voice was. Jonina instantly let go off Eitan’s hair and slid down his back. When she was off he jumped to his feet and took a spot next to his brother who was to the right of Namir.
"Are you afraid Eitan?" Zeev said. Eitan looked at him uncertain about what to say. The sounds became more defined and there was no more doubt about what they were. Hundreds and hundreds of super sonic jet engines were rumbling from the northern star moon lit sky.
"Do not be afraid for that is doubting and shows that you are of little faith," Ochria said. Yes, mother. Zeev patted Eitan on the back and then shoved his hands in his pockets. Eitan took a step forward from the line and looked at each member of the family. His father looked ten years older, not age wise, but intellectually like he knew the outcome of what was bout to take place. We all know how it's going to end... at least this part.
Jonina clung to her mother tears streaming down her cheeks from her little brown eyes. His mother was holding the crying girl close to her whispering, "Everything is going to be OK."
"But why mommy? Who is coming?" Jonina said.
"Shh, shh Jonina just close your eyes." She did, they blinked open and closed to let out the tears that were still coming. The noise of the planes was now a multitude of jumbled echoing booms.
Zeev gasped. "There they are!" A miles wide formation of fighter, bomber, and stealth planes was coming in fast. His heart only had time to beat four times before they were already flying overhead. The covered the sky like a cloud of blocking out most of the stars and moon. Their combined engines all screaming at once tearing his ear drums to shreds.
He looked up in both fear and awe. Some were flying low others were tiny dots in the sky. The fighters were equipped with machine guns and missiles, the stealth air crafts which were flat like sting rays didn't have any visible weapons, the bombers were armed with massive bombs. Some of the larger bombers were carrying unusually massive warheads.
"They have nuclear weapons!" Zeev said. The planes were all going by so fast and yet they kept on coming their ranks never seeming to diminish in numbers. There must have been thousands coming in! Most of them were noticeably Russian air craft. His little sister’s cries were almost completely drowned out by the roaring birds of prey. Namir hugged his wife close to him and wrapped another arm around Zeev. Eitan heard him say, "Eitan, come stand next to your brother."
His voice seemed to be coming from quite a distance. Eitan turned around and with a shock realized he had taken a number of steps forward away from his family without noticing. He took two steps toward his family and then a massive tremor knocked him off his feet. He landed hard on the ground his elbow digging into the dirt. He let out a groan that he could not hear.
The ground continued to tremble under him so he didn't even bother trying to get up. Something behind him crackled groaned and crumbled. Eitan knew what that noise was. The house was gone. He looked up into the sky and saw that it had become a green and black. The moon and stars were no where to be seen. The clouds swirled like a supernatural sky cyclone. The temperature had become a combination of both cold and brutal heat. Just like in the dream. After one last tremor Eitan got to his feet ignoring the throbbing in his side and elbow.
Suddenly the green and black sky was lit up with millions of red and orange dots which were descending as fast as raindrops. Fire and ice fell from the sky hitting the ground with sizzles and thuds. Explosion from above lit up the ground. Eitan walked backwards keeping his eyes to the scene in the sky. He bumped into one of his family members and stopped. "They're shooting at each other?!" Zeev said.
Dozens of planes that had their wings torn apart by the fire and ice and were falling toward the ground spewing flame and smoke. Fireballs erupted in every direction and debris rolled and tumbled on the ground as the planes continued to crash one after the other. Their bombs exploded along with them sending a plume of dirt and rocks. Planes were randomly firing off missiles and shooting their machine guns at each other as the storm of fire and ice continued to rain upon them. Many great bursts of orange and red flames bloomed like fiery flowers under the green and black swirl of the sky.
"Get back!" Namir said tugging on Eitan shirt. Eitan and his family all backed up as a colossal fighter plummeted down in their direction spinning out of control leaving circles of smoke behind it. The jet smashed into the earth nose first exploding and showering the area about three hundred feet in front of them in flaming chunks of shriveled up metal. A circle of leveled dirt had formed around the crashed jet.
Eitan was astounded to see that the eagle that had called them out into the open was still in the tree seemingly oblivious to what was going on in the sky. Bright white lights flashed in the sky, and then monstrous purple and red fiery mushroom clouds appeared in the sky expanding faster than the speed of sound. Many of the planes were instantly obliterated by the nuclear bombs that were exploding in the heavens.
Night became day and the air itself seemed to have become liquefied as a turbulence wave swatted the planes out of the sky like flies. The great tsunami of super heated wind sent a wave of sand that roared like a tornado toward Eitan and his family. Eitan could not move a muscle. His family was as equally paralyzed as the flaming war machines fell from the sky. The hundred foot high wave of dirt began to dissolve a mile in front of them. The dirt and sand cloud lingered like a phantom.
Hundreds of planes crashed at once sending fountains of flame from the ground. Thousands more hurling through the air being tossed by the tremendous power of the nuclear blasts. Bombers, fighters, and stealth air crafts crashed all around them. One spun on its side and its wing dug a ditch in the ground not thirty feet from where Eitan stood before being disintegrating into dozens of metal pieces.
Just as it had been raining fire and ice it was now raining planes! Even those that were not hit by the turbulence wave fell straight down from the sky like boulders. "It’s the electrical magnetic pulses! Their planes have no more power!" Namir shouted as the planes slammed down around them. Some no more then twenty feet away.
The screaming of thousands of sputtering engines and explosions was pain beyond pain for Eitan's eardrums. Their eyes were being supernaturally protected against the blinding lights of the explosions. And the heat and explosions did not so much as flutter a hair on their heads. As this was all happening fire and hail continued to patter down around them. Not a single hail stone or stray bolt of flame came within three feet of them.
When the last of the invaders met their end the supernatural green and black swirling storm clouds vanished. The moon and stars returned as God flipped back on the light switch of the world. Eitan watched his mom fall on her knees and thank God.
An innumerable number of black smoke columns were rising into the sky from the wrecked planes. The ground looked like lava under the glow of all the fires. He couldn't tell where the night sky started because the smoke was just as dark. Joninas soft sniffles could be heard over the charring flames.
He turned to look at his little sister who was being rocked back and forth by his father who was on his knees beside her. Zeev had his hands over his head and was surveying the area. "I know this was supposed to happen, but I still can't believe so many lives had to be lost no matter how evil," he said.
Eitan looked at the ruins that was their temporary home. It was like a giant sledgehammer had bashed it into the ground. Like those exaggeratedly large hammers that were used in American carnivals to win prizes. When he got enough of the damage his eyes locked on what was under the tree. The car.
"Look! The car is fine!" he said. Ochria was already back on her feet looked at the car and then quickly at the house. Namir peered over the still crying Jonina and his eyes bulged open in surprise. Zeev was still as expressionless as before. And than it just came to Eitan, what are we going to do now that the house is gone? If the bombs rendered all the planes useless that means the car was also permanently put out of service.
The eagle that had been on the tree swooped down and landed on the hood of the car with a soft plop. Eitan stared at it curiously, and marveled at what it did next. The eagle seemed to point it's wing right at where his father was soothing Jonina and then lowered its wing and brushed the hood of the car. In other words it was telling them: Stop moping around and use the car it works, I assure you. Forget about the electrical magnetic pulse. Use your brains, you were spared from all the falling planes, the heat from the bombs, and the radiation. So if you were protected against all that why can't your car be protected against electricity destroying pulse waves?
His father understood it to and turned Jonina around to face the eagle. The eagle raised it's right wing and waved at her. Jonina smiled at the bird and waved back, Namir doing the same. Then she giggled. Nothing was more beautiful than a child's laughter.
Last edited by AspiringAuthorA..M. on Sun Jan 03, 2010 6:02 pm, edited 6 times in total.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26
  





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Thu Dec 31, 2009 3:38 am
carelessaussie13 says...



AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote:(The family in the piece below consists of devote Jews. Don't let the religious hints put you off though, they aren't too big)

The eagle had grown deathly still and its keeping its beak shut was much worse than its blood curdling shrieks. Jonina stood up on her tip toes trying to get a better look at the eagle perched on the tree. The animals was a still as the car parked under the tree. Eitan bent down(Bent down to what? Bent down to the little girl by his side.) and said, "Do you want a closer look at the birdy?"
"Yes, big brother. Please?" she said tugging on his shirt sleeve. (She seems pretty young to be pronouncing "big brother". Plus that sounds kind of funny. I understood that they were siblings without being told.
Eitan crouched down and let Jonina climb on his back and helped her get on his shoulders. When he was certain that she was secure he picked himself up off the ground. Ochria smiled. (Ochria? Where did Ochria come from? I had no idea she was there. I was jerked from the narrative by having to add a person to my mental picture of the scene) The stars and moonlight bathed Eitan and his family in it's ghostly white light. The eagles predatory eyes glowed like embers.
"Hi, birdy. I can see you. Can you see me to?" Jonina said curling Eitan's hair. Eitan winced when she accidentally pulled a strand of hair off his scalp. (It's really hard to rip a strand of hairout, especially for a young kid)
"Sorry big brother."
"It's OK Jonina, I was supposed to be getting a haircut soon anyways," Eitan said. (Ths is adorable! I just got very fond of Eitan! Good job!)
"You got a hair cut three days ago," Zeev said (Zeev? Again, you're putting people in the scene without warning. Where is Zeev standing? What has he been doing this whole time?). Eitan looked at his brothers mane of dark hair. Now he's the one in real need of a hair cut. Strange whooshing and roaring sounds could be heard coming from the north. Where they air planes? Travelers passing by on vehicles? Or just the wind?
What wind? The night was as breezeless as any. It was chilly, but not windy. "Namir what is it?" Ochria said grabbing a hold of her husband. Namir wrapped an arm around his wife and held her close. (Namir appeared out of nowhere, too.)
"Zeev, Eitan, Jonina come to your parent’s side please I don't want to be apart from you when they get here," Namir said his voice full of emotion. This is really happening! The attack is underway! Whose thoughts are these?
"Daddy? What do you mean?" Jonina said sniffling. Eitan felt a tear moisten a small area of the skin on his right arm. He looked down at and saw a tiny shiny droplet of water on the upper side of his forearm.
"Jonina, whatever happens do not be afraid," Namir said. Jonina began to tremble all over and became heavy on Eitan's shoulders. He crouched down and told her she could get off.
"No big brother I'm scared," she said refusing to get off and gripping clumps of his hair in each of her tiny fists. Zeev walked past Eitan his feet shuffling in the dark.
"Jonina get off your brother and come here, I want you by my side," Ochria said. Eitan was amazed by how authoritative yet compassionately motherly her voice was. Jonina instantly let go off Eitan’s hair and slid down his back. When she was off he jumped to his feet and took a spot next to his brother who was to the right of Namir. I recommend more description of their surroundings. Somewhere in here I lost the sense of the backyard and the eagle.
"Are you afraid Eitan?" Zeev said. Eitan looked at him uncertain about what to say. The sounds became more defined and there was no more doubt about what they were. Hundreds and hundreds of super sonic jet engines were rumbling from the northern star moon lit sky. Hundreds and hundreds of supersonic jet engines? You'd think they'd be out of their minds with terror, crying hysterically, or just plain dumbfounded. They don't seem very concerned.
"Do not be afraid for that is doubting and shows that you are of little faith," Ochria said.
Yes, mother. Zeev patted Eitan on the back and then shoved his hands in his pockets. Eitan took a step forward from the line and looked at each member of the family. His father looked ten years older, not age wise, but intellectually like he knew the outcome of what was bout to take place. We all know how it's going to end... at least this part.
Jonina clung to her mother tears streaming down her little brown eyes.I think you mean, down her cheeks from her little brown eyes. His mother was holding the crying girl close to her whispering, "Everything is going to be OK."
"But why mommy? Who is coming?" Jonina said.
"Shh, shh Jonina just close your eyes." She did, they blinked open and closed to let out the tears that were still coming. The noise of the planes was now a multitude of jumbled echoing booms.
Zeev gasped. "There they are!" A miles wide formation of fighter, bomber, and stealth planes was coming in fast. His heart only had time to beat four times before they were already flying overhead. The covered the sky like a cloud of blocking out most of the stars and moon.There are already hundreds of jet engines. You'd think this whole star-covering business would have already happened. Their combined engines all screaming at once tearing his ear drums to shreds.
He looked up in both fear and awe.You tell me this, but it doesn't feel like real emotions. Make the reader feel fear and awe viscerally. Some were flying low others were tiny dots in the sky. The fighters were equipped with machine guns and missiles, the stealth air crafts which were flat like sting rays didn't have any visible weapons, the bombers were armed with massive bombs. Some of the larger bombers were carrying unusually massive warheads.
"They have nuclear weapons!" Zeev screamed.Zeev doesn't seem like the screaming type. The planes were all going by so fast and yet they kept on coming their ranks never seeming to diminish in numbers. There must have been thousands coming in! Most of them were noticeably Russian air craft. How can they tell?His little sister’s cries were almost completely drowned out by the roaring birds of prey. Namir hugged his wife close to him and wrapped another arm around Zeev. Eitan heard him say, "Eitan, come stand next to your brother." Don't they have anything better to worry about than their standing order?
His voice seemed to be coming from quite a distance. Eitan turned around and with a shock realized he had taken a number of steps forward away from his family without noticing. He took two steps toward his family and then a massive tremor knocked him off his feet. He landed hard on the ground his elbow digging into the dirt. He let out a groan that he could not hear.
The ground continued to tremble under him so he didn't even bother trying to get up. Something behind him crackled groaned and crumbled. Eitan knew what that noise was. The house was gone.WHAT??? OMG OMG OMG THE HOUSE JUST BLEW UP!!! Eitan doesn't seem very bothered, though. He looked up into the sky and saw that it had become a green and black. The moon and stars were no where to be seen. The clouds swirled like a supernatural sky cyclone. The temperature had become a combination of both cold and brutal heat. Just like in the dream. After one last tremor Eitan got to his feet ignoring the throbbing in his side and elbow.
Suddenly the green and black sky was lit up with millions of red and orange dots which were descending as fast as raindrops. Fire and ice fell from the sky hitting the ground with sizzles and thuds. Explosion from above lit up the ground. Eitan walked backwards keeping his eyes to the scene in the sky.Really? He didn't cover his head with his arms or try to protect his little sister? He bumped into one of his family members and stopped. "They're shooting at each other?!" Zeev said.
Dozens of planes that had their wings torn apart by the fire and ice and were falling toward the ground spewing flame and smoke. Fireballs erupted in every direction and debris rolled and tumbled on the ground as the planes continued to crash one after the other. Their bombs exploded along with them sending a plume of dirt and rocks. Planes were randomly firing off missiles and shooting their machine guns at each other as the storm of fire and ice continued to rain upon them. Many great bursts of orange and red flames bloomed like fiery flowers under the green and black swirl of the sky.
"Get back!" Namir said tugging on Eitan shirt. Eitan and his family all backed up as a colossal fighter plummeted down in their direction spinning out of control leaving circles of smoke behind it. The jet smashed into the earth nose first exploding and showering the area about three hundred feet in front of them in flaming chunks of shriveled up metal. A circle of leveled dirt had formed around the crashed jet.
Eitan was astounded to see that the eagle that had called them out into the open was still in the tree seemingly oblivious to what was going on in the sky.I'm sorry, but that's crazy. Any sane animal would be running for the hills. Bright white lights flashed in the sky, and then monstrous purple and red fiery mushroom clouds appeared in the sky expanding faster than the speed of sound. Many of the planes were instantly obliterated by the nuclear bombs that were exploding in the heavens.
Night became day and the air itself seemed to have become liquefied as a turbulence wave swatted the planes out of the sky like flies. The great tsunami of super heated wind sent a wave of sand that roared like a tornado toward Eitan and his family. Eitan could not move a muscle. His family was as equally paralyzed as the flaming war machines fell from the sky. The hundred foot high wave of dirt began to dissolve a mile in front of them. The dirt and sand cloud lingered like a phantom. Does it really look like this? If you've seen it, if it really does, then, WOW. But I'm having trouble believing that all these colors could actually happen.
Hundreds of planes crashed at once sending fountains of flame from the ground. Oh my gosh. Are the neighbors okay? Consider what's happening around the blown-up house.Thousands more hurling through the air being tossed by the tremendous power of the nuclear blasts. Bombers, fighters, and stealth air crafts crashed all around them. One spun on its side and its wing dug a ditch in the ground not thirty feet from where Eitan stood before being disintegrating into dozens of metal pieces.
Just as it had been raining fire and ice it was now raining planes! Even those that were not hit by the turbulence wave fell straight down from the sky like boulders. "It’s the electrical magnetic pulses! Their planes have no more power!"Namir is considering electromagnetic impulses in the atmoshphere when his family is surrounded by falling airplanes and bombs? Really? Namir shouted as the planes slammed down around them. Some no more then twenty feet away. And this has no effect on our dear family? Jonina isn't crying or screaming or anything?
The screaming of thousands of sputtering engines and explosions was pain beyond pain for Eitan's eardrums. Their eyes were being supernaturally protected against the blinding lights of the explosions. And the heat and explosions did not so much as flutter a hair on their heads. As this was all happening fire and hail continued to patter down around them. Not a single hail stone or stray bolt of flame came within three feet of them.
When the last of the invaders met their end the supernatural green and black swirling storm clouds vanished. The moon and stars returned as God flipped back on the light switch of the world.

In summary, I was struggling the whole way through to believe the story. People kept appearing out of nowhere, the family was totally nonchalant about being bombed... you know, this could be really great. All you need to do is hold all the strands together. In every single moment you need to know how every family member is reacting, even if you don't write it. You need to know what is happening on the ground around the family. It's hard, it's absolutely hard to keep a handle on all these things at once, but when you're writing about something that's happening faster than anyone can read the lines, you've got to be completely in control of the scene. Please edit this, because I honestly think that this could evoke a truth of war that not many people know. I'd be happy to take another look at it, so PM me when you've edited. Best of luck!
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark
  





User avatar
182 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 37408
Reviews: 182
Thu Dec 31, 2009 4:11 am
AspiringAuthorA..M. says...



OK, I'll edit this as soon as I can. And, I have a different section where people who weren't expecting the war witness it happening, and they are very, very terrified. Unlike these people who saw it coming.
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26
  








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