Young Writers Society

Hey guys this is my first post hope you like it!


He seems to always be there whispering in my head. I can never see him, just hear him. I feel his presence all around me, I feel as if he is my shadow that never goes away, he stays. It was the year 2006 when I found out who he was the day started pretty normal, I was walking to school in late April the road was hard against my feet, I almost stepped into a large pot hole filled with water, it had been raining all night . The wind was blowing hard. I pulled my hood over my head to try to warm up. I was almost at school when he started whispering in my head. I put my pink ipod head phones in my ears to try to drown him out. It worked for a few minutes until his voice grew louder. I just wanted him to stop I never told my parents about him because my mom and I where never close and my dad didn't have the time or the patience to talk to me, so I kept it to myself. I had no real friends at school, they where all just to good for me I guess, it didn't bother me though, I prefer to be alone. I reached my tall grey school at last,I hurried inside the long hallways seemed even longer today, people every where talking I cast my vision farther I saw a bully threatening a kid with his fist for lunch money, I never really hated bullies I felt bad for them, my classmates and I all crammed into the classroom. Everyone sat down, the teacher started to read from a book, I didn't pay attention.how could I? he kept on whispering in my head, I couldn't stop him. I just sat, hoping his voice would go away. finally, after about 15 minutes, it went away. I felt relief sweep over, me I felt now that his voice was gone I could focus now. I tried to remember what we had talked about yesterday so that maybe I could catch myself up on what the teacher was saying.




Horse

WOW! i really like it! you should make more lol danceing elephant

Hi, I shall review your story since you reviewed mine.
You have a lot of sentences that could be shortened. It would make it easier to read if there were more periods and commas and stuff. I'm just going to add what I think should go in. (It will be the stuff in bold and in parentheses)

He seems to always be there whispering in my head(.) I can never see him(,) just hear him(.) I feel his presence all around me, I feel as if he is my shadow that never goes away(,) he stays.
It was the year 2006 when I found out who he was. the day started pretty normal(,) I was walking to school in late April(.) (T)he wind was blowing hard(.) I pulled my hood over my head to try to warm up. I was almost at school when he started whispering in my head(.) I put my ipod head phones in my ears to try to drownd (drown) him out(.) It worked for a few minutes until his voice grew louder(.)
I just wanted him to stop. I never told my parents about him because my mom and I where never close(,) and my dad didn't have the time or the patience to talk to me(,) so I kept it to myself. I had no real friends at school(,) they where all just to good for me(.) I guess it didn't bother me though(,) I perfer (prefer) to be alone.
When I got to school I hurried inside. (replaced comma with period) My classmates and I all cramed (crammed) into the classroom(.)
Everyone sat down, the teacher started to read from a book(,) I didn't pay attention(.) How could I(?) He kept on whispering in my head(,) I couldn't stop him(.) I just sat(,) hoping his voice woul (would) go away(.)
Finally(,) after about 15 minutes(,) it went away(.) I felt relief sweep over me(,) I felt now that his voice was gone(,) I could focus now.
I tried to remember what we had talked about yesterday(,) so that maybe I could catch myself up on what the teacher was sayng saying.

Great start. I already want to know what happens next! But what is the voice saying? Please tell us readers a few more things about this the settings. Like outside, tell us how wet and rainy it is, are there puddles on the ground? Same for the school too, what does it look like?
Anyway, keep writing!

Thanks guys





Horse

Very good. I'd really like to see shorter sentances and it a little more broken up. Pretty Crazy did a really good job, make sure you look their review over. Keep up the good writing!

~Voice

Well done! This is good. You just need to edit a few things (PrettyCrazy pointed them out) but other than that its great, making me want to read more.
In noticed one thing which hasn't been pointed out

I never told my parents about him because my mom and I where never close

[b]'where'[/b[ should be 'were'.
Can't wait to read the next part.

hey!
I'll review your piece today.

It was nice, a good start I have to say. The intrigue that you created around the voice was really nice, it keeps us interested in the story and the character. To be honest the voice is much more interesting and I would recommend you to try to expand that and add some feelings of your MC towards the voice.

The main issue I saw in your piece was your sentence structure and your grammar. You have to proofread your piece before posting because there were many grammar mistakes that made the piece very hard to read. as for your sentence structure, first of all, most of them were short sentences and others always started with I. I don't say that it is wrong to start with I but if you repeat that in every sentence the piece becomes too monotonous and the sentence structure will be all the same. So try combining long sentences with short sentences and different beginnings for each one.

Who is this he? and why is he in your head? Where were you going with this story and what were you trying to get the reader to see in your perspective? those are the questions I am asking myself at the moment. You need to have description of your characters and their surroundings or you will not get people to read your work they will only skim it. You don't want that. You want others to notice you as a writer. Work on these things and then post something else I'm sure you will attract a lot more writers if you take these few simple things and put them in your piece.

Hi horselover. Here to review for you.

He seems to always be there, whispering in my head. I can never see him, just hear him. I feel his presence all around me, I feel as if he is my shadow that never goes away, he stays. It was the year 2006 when I found out who he was(.) The day had started pretty normal, I was walking to school in late April, the road was hard against my feet. I almost stepped into a large pot hole filled with water, it had been raining all night . The wind was blowing hard. I pulled my hood over my head to try to warm up. I was almost at school when he started whispering in my head. I put my pink ipod head phones in my ears to try to drown him out. I liked this line It worked for a few minutes until his voice grew louder. I just wanted him to stop, I never told my parents about him because my mom and I where never close and my dad didn't have the time or the patience to talk to me, so I kept it to myself. I had no real friends at school, they where all just too good for me I guess, it didn't bother me though, I prefer to be alone. I reached my tall grey school at last,I hurried inside the long hallways which seemed even longer today, people every where talking. When I cast my vision farther I saw a bully threatening a kid with his fist for lunch money, I never really hated bullies I felt bad for them, my classmates and I all crammed into the classroom. Everyone sat down, the teacher started to read from a book, I didn't pay attention.space here How could I? he kept on whispering in my head, I couldn't stop him. I just sat, hoping his voice would go away. Finally, after about 15 minutes, it went away. I felt relief sweep over, me I felt now that his voice was gone I could focus now. I tried to remember what we had talked about yesterday so that maybe I could catch myself up on what the teacher was saying.

OMG! So many mistakes are there dear. It seems like someone has handed me a rough draft with no punctuations, spaces, commas. Even rough drafts are better. Either you didn't proof read it or you don't know where to put what. Also when you can start off with a new sentence you cram it into the same sentence. It looks like never-ending line of words. You need a lot of grammar practice. I understand you're twelve so don't stop posting your posts and let us help you out.
As for the story, all this while I was so busy nit-picking on grammar that most of my attention on story wasn't there. But I'm liking your concept and it can be translated into a good story. HE..he...was all I saw. Never mind, work on the flaws and you'll get there. KEEP WRITING!

I had a pretty hard time following, everything was kind of jammed together. It was alot like thinking on ritalin