Young Writers Society

He hit the wall at half pace, not quite enough speed to get himself all the way over. He’d done this last time and Ben Cain cursed himself for not remembering to fix his run up. He hauled himself over the rest of the wall and had to roll as he hit the well manicured grass on the other side.

As he crouched in the shadows, Cain examined the house before him. It was huge, unnecessarily large, with huge, floor to ceiling windows fitted with switchable glass. The front porch light was on and so were the sensor lights surrounding the house, so he’d have to be more careful than usual.

Cain slipped the night vision goggles off his head and onto his face and the world faded into a sickly green hue. He pulled the Heckler & Koch Compact Tactical USP pistol from his thigh holster and checked for load out of habit. He tightened the silencer just that little bit more and began to creep towards the house.

He avoided the gravel path and decided to make his way around the perimeter of the wall on the grass, snaking between the faux-Roman sculptures that were littered over the lawn. Cain came to the window on the east side and moved over to the wall slowly, coming underneath one of the sensor lights which had a flagpole sitting above, proudly flying the French flag.

He holstered the Heckler and got a handhold in the elaborate brick work on the side of the house, hoisting himself up so he could grab the first story windowsill. Then he propped himself up against the window and inhaled deeply. Cain reached out and leapt, hanging in the hair for a few moments before gripping the flagpole and swinging back and forth. He shimmed along the mast and came to the second floor window, where he used the base of the pole as an improvised platform and peered inside.

The glass had been left normal, so Cain could see in but the mark could see out. He looked around and spotted the obese Frenchman sitting at his desk on a laptop with his back to the window. Cain gripped the base of the pane and slowly slid it up, exhaling slowly and praying it wouldn’t creak.

When the window was high enough, Cain pushed up and slipped inside, redrawing the Heckler again. He crept up behind the Frenchman in a crouch and levelled the pistol. As he came within arms reach, Cain drew his Ka-Bar knife and grabbed the man around the neck, covering his mouth and letting him know the knife was there. The man kicked and swore, completely shocked and terrified.

“When I let go, you will not scream, got it?” said Cain through his balaclava, his goggles making him look like some sci-fi robot. The man nodded viciously and tried to talk, but his words where smothered in Cain’s gloved hand. He took it away and the man gasped for air, almost going to yell but feeling the knife and stopped.

Thank Christ.

Cain knew that if this guy wasn’t cooperative, the mission would be a flop. At a whopping 336 pounds the Frenchman had to walk out of here. In other snatch-and-grab missions Cain had walked out of places with guys in cleaning bins, furniture packaging and even a body bag once, but he couldn’t carry the Frenchman.

“What’s the fastest way out of here with the least patrols?” he said into the man’s ear as he flicked back the NVG’s.

“Down the west hall,” he said with a shaky voice, “But that’s through the locked doors.” Cain already knew there where some doors with eye scan locks on them.

“Lucky I’ve got the master key,” he said, tightening his grip a little.



So that's it. Please crit honestly as it is much appreciated. Also if you can think of a name for the actual agency Ben will be apart of, suggest that too. Cheers, R.

Hi, it's PenNPaper here.
Interesting storyline you've got here, is it about some secret agent mission kinda thing? You could have described the look of the interior of the house though, otherwise the picture formed in my mind would be that of a plain old boring room.

Any way, I spotted no errors which is good. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Bye for now!

Hiya RoachRed!

Okay, this is interesting. I like it and I would like to know where this goes. A few nitpicks:

It was huge, unnecessarily large, with huge, floor to ceiling windows fitted with switchable glass.

Don't use 'huge' twice.

The glass had been left normal, so Cain could see in but the mark could see out.

I don't quite get this sentence.

At a whopping 336 pounds, the Frenchman had to walk out of here.

Cain already knew there wherewere some doors with eye scan locks on them.

You could describe the room a little more. And give a bit more detail on what the Frenchman was wearing or his hair or something. It shouldn't give me a fat blob to picture in my head.

Anyway, good work!
Keep writing!
~Lava

Hey Redford!!!

Nice storyline, really nice. To be honest, I'm not a big fan of spy or police-murder stories, but this one seems acceptable so I'd really like to keep reading about it.
The storyline is good which means that if you keep on it and keep the plot interesting and avoid all the cliches that this kind of stories have, it could be great, really great!

I felt that the story was a bit flat though. I mean, there was not much characterization. The story itself is great, but characters are also important. a story is complete, when the plot is developed well and the characters are well described and developed as well.
In this story I felt that you needed more characterization, the MC was really flat. I know what he works at and what he does, but I don't know how he fells and how the world looks from his point of view. Try adding more things to your character, characters are people and in order to make your character believable, you have to give him traits, habits, thoughts, some expression he always does, or some things he always say.

Another thing I noticed is your sentence structure. In most of your story, you began with he or Cain, how does that affect your writing? Easy, it makes it sound monotonous, and weird at some points. This can turn your story in a complete bored because it bored the readers. Try changing your sentence structure and make it sound more interesting.

So that's all I can say, hope I helped.