Young Writers Society

(deleted)

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
Okay, I am a little confused by the dialogue and all, it seems that you have inverted commas at times but at times you don't. Please be consistent.
Overall your story was well written and all. I liked the part about turning into a wolf, although half of it is a little cliche. Like in Harry Potter when Remus Lupin was bitten and tuned into a wolf. I won't say that yours was too cliche but...how do I put it, you compensated for that from your story, which I find is good.

Good luck and keep writing!

Hello. I am going to crit this bit by bit, so I won't get as much sense of the 'flow' but I will get how the feel in each one matches the others. Firstly, I love all the names! They are really beautiful, and it's brilliant how you have researched all the origins and meanings. It will really make your story come alive. I will start with the preface:

Where the black sky touches the white snow I saw movement. A grey wolf.(this might work better if you changed it to 'a wolf' - it will make it sharper) He pushes through the snow, watching me wearily (this almost reads like it should be 'warily', maybe you should find a synonym). Harsh winds blow from the north, sculpting this frozen tundra. All life here is waiting, holding its breath for spring to come, for longer days whose sunlight will coax forth new life. (very nice - I love the voice of the narrator)

This wolf is oblivious to its patience (hmmm . . . this doesn't sound quite right, maybe something about the patience being natural?) Oblivious to the freezing snow that fails to penetrate his dense winter fur. Determination alone drove him forward, on and on through the snow.

I can see now that he is not as small as he seemed from a distance. This wolf stands as tall as a horse, his nose level with my forehead. He is but a meter away from me, watching me with those forever vigilant eyes. I am as frozen as the ground beneath me, but with fear not cold. I show none of this on my face or posture, (maybe this should be - 'I don't show this is in my face or posture' - the way you've said it sort of grates with the earlier voice) I stand tall and keep my expression relaxed.

“Friend,” I call, for I am no enemy of nature. The wolf tilts his head back and howls. Wind throws the snow around in a tantrum (I like this description of the snow) and the wolf gets lost in its fury. His spine-tingling howl echoes in my mind but the lone wolf is gone and without him I am lost. (I don't really understand - 'without him I am lost')

I know at once that this is no dream. (You haven't mentioned it being a dream.) I had never felt more awake than now, more alert, more cold. But a wolf that size couldn’t be possible. There was nothing more impossible than the lone wolf. But I know he exists… and on he pushes.

With nothing to lose, and much to gain, he pushes onward.

This is very good, but some of the observations the narrator makes sounds as if he is looking back, rather than being in the present. e.g.

There was nothing more impossible than the lone wolf

Overall, very good! I'll be back soon to crit the rest.
Sophie

I'm not going to talk about grammar or spelling, just the writing itself. First of all, you have fantastic imagery, and great word choice. Just remember to not overuse adjectives and adverbs. They're not what the reader cares about. Verbs and nouns are what really matter. Try not to use too many to be verbs (is, am, are, was, were, etc...) because they show absolutely nothing. Also, periodically ask yourself, "Does this sound like something I'd actually say?" Maybe even read it out loud. Make sure the voice is your own. I'm not a big fan of the plot, but I know it's something that a lot of people are into, so that's not a problem. You have good dialogue, but it's all alone without much besides what is being said. Show the reader why it's important, don't just let the words speak for themselves. My final piece of advice is this: make me care. Don't just tell a story, make your readers feel an emotional connection to the characters. You are a very talented writer. I'd like to read more of work, so keep writing and posting.

Hey,

Here is my review as promised. Sorry this is a little late.

Anyway, here goes.

1.Exposition

I was surfacing from a dream I didn’t want to leave. My sister, Lizzie and I were having a water fight in our backyard on a hot summer’s day. But that wasn’t a dream, it was a cherished memory.



A sigh escaped my lips as I opened my eyes to face reality. Everything was blindingly white; the snow covering the ground, the cloudy white sky, the shape moving on the horizon… what the heck is that? Then it was gone, dropped out of sight behind the snowy ridge.



The winter months were the hardest. It was always, always cold, despite my thick fur. A friend to keep me warm was a luxury I did not have; a pack to help me hunt was another. I guessed it was for the best, the food was scarce enough as it was without extra mouths to feed. The Pull urged me to move but I resisted. I wanted to lie here, just for a moment. Maybe I’d get lucky and freeze to death.



Right now you’re probably wondering “Is this guy some sort of suicidal emo?”, “What the heck is the Pull?” and possibly even “Lizzie is a nice name.” Well the answers are; sort of, the overpowering magnetism that likes to jerk me around here and there and, of course it’s a nice name, it’s my sister’s name.

Right now, the biggest problem is that you keep switching back and forth between backstory and what's happening in the present, which is very jarring.Every time it happens, we're reminded that this is a story. Plus, this is the very beginning, so you need to hook your readers. Explaining what's going on can happen later. I'm also not a fan of the character actually talking to the reader (eg. "By now you're probably wondering..." etc. etc.) since it completely destroys any sense of connection the reader has. The goal here is to make the reader feel as though they're actually in the story, not listening to someone talking about it. It is far better, IMO, to just jump right into the story. Don't worry, the reader will figure it out.

2. Sentence Structure and 1st person

Looking at the ground around me, I saw animal tracks but the snow was falling too fast. It covered them up before I could look closer. Protruding from the snow was a single blade of grass. Spring was on the way. From the corner of my eye I saw a streak of black against the field of white below.

Don't get me wrong, I love short, precise sentences. They nearly always work better than convoluted ones. The problem with having a bunch of them in a row, though, is that it starts to feel decidedly choppy, which again, can distract someone reading it. This is a problem especially in first person, where sentences start to have an "I do this, I do that" feeling. Using first definitely feels awkward at first, and it can take a while to get used to. It's also harder to read, which is why I think third is better to start with. (Though, for some reason, I like writing it a lot better. I guess we're opposites that way)

Try starting your sentences different ways, and staggering the length a bit so it feels more natural.

Another example:

The full moon hung low in the velvety sky, casting an eerie glow through the canopy of the trees. The chilly night was far from silent as we weaved through the life-abundant forest. An owl hooted from far above and bugs chirped all around. I could hear the scurry of vermin in the undergrowth and their heartbeats thrumming a little faster as we passed.

In this section, you also have a string of short, simple sentences, but the problem is that it sounds like you're just listing details. Again, combine some, twist some around, and chose your words carefully.

3.

I could hear all of their thoughts and they could hear mine.

Go out of your way to avoid sentences like this. Again, you do not have to explain most things. Show the reader what's going on. In this example, it's obvious that they're talking telepathically, so you don't have to tell us. I think this was my biggest problem with this piece. Watch for the places where you can hear the author's voice pointing something out. (And, ok, I'll just say the cliche: Show, Don't Tell! (capitalized for importance))

Just as I was stronger, Zeda faster, Sanel stealthier and Jazmun more compassionate than humanly (or in our case, non-humanly) possible.

Same thing here. Let us figure that out on our own.

4. A couple typos:

You right, this could be trouble.

You're?

Now I could also hear the wolves, it sounded like four males.

Run-on. "Now I could also hear the wolves, and it sounded like four males."

Wait. “Good evening,” She called to the other pack.

“I agree, this is a good evening,” the closest wolf smiled evilly.

The "wait" should be on a separate line, I think, and there's also an error in the dialogue.

Ok, I think that's it. This may not have come through in my review, but I really, really liked this piece, and I'm very interested to see where this goes. I also liked the way the pack reacted to eachother, since I'm a fan of wolf behavior.

Good luck!

Lupis

wow! this is really really great. i just loved the way you told it, there was no rush, everything just went on smoothly. you don't really find that in all stories.so again wow!!

i also liked your use of words, it was very descriptive and instead of just telling it, you were able to show what was happening. to me, the preface was the best part. it was very intresting and mysterious and the type that would get people to keep reading on. i have to really give you credit for that.

well apart from that there was a few minor errors but overall it was great!!!