Young Writers Society

I sat outside after reading yet again a vampire book. I wish my prayers would be anwsered and I could be a vampire. My life sucks I needed something, to be differnt.I wanted to be a vampire.My little brother walked outside. “You have to come in ,mom said”


hope this is okay so far

hope this is okay so far please leave replies and feel free to pm me

you can also email me but if you do that i may not ever

read it

I liked it but you have to add a lot more than a few sentences...(No offence). I think it has a lot of potential and I can't wait for the next part.

~ Apple

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!

differnt

You missed out the 'e'.

vampire.My

You always need a space after a period.

You have to come in ,mom said

Okay if you wanted to include that comma there it should have been just after 'in' and a space before 'mom'. Or, if you wanted to rephrase it(just a suggestion), as it sounds like mom is saying this instead.(I know it's a dialogue)

Okay, I liked the story, nice sort of cliffhanger ending there. I think you should continue it, I've never read many vampire books but they still seem good to me. You had just left out something. You didn't describe it enough. Where was the MC after he finished reading his vampire book? You just said outside, there are many possibilities. Also, the little brother came out of the room. What was the look on his face, how did he walk? Was his face pale, or was he crying, or what you can think of. How did he walk, did he stumble, or did he totter? This may not be very good examples but they are descriptions.

Good luck and keep writing, bye!

Are you kidding? Will you post only this much? Okay if you want to post this much only but atleast make your write-up a bit more interesting. If you edit thus then i think you will have a great story in your hand.

I'm sorry dude. I came here as a request on my WRFF. Unfortunately, the rest have covered what there is/ (which is not much) I read the whole thing in like one second. You gotta post more. Peace.

I liked it but it really was far too short of a start. It really needed to be at least a big paragraph or two paragraphs to really catch a readers attention. The title was what really made me want to read the story and that was really good. When you are writing you want an eye popping title like yours. Add more and make others want to read it. I mean that's what a writer wants right?

Hey this is good so far, but you have a few grammatical errors.

I think it shoud be I sat outside after reading yet again another vampire book.

I sat outside after reading yet again a vampire book.

It should be My life sucks I needed something to be different (No commar needed, and spell different correct, also need to have a space after fullstops) I wanted to be a vampire. My little brother walled outside....you have to come in, Mom said."

My life sucks I needed something, to be differnt.I wanted to be a vampire.My little brother walked outside. “You have to come in ,mom said”

Other than that it is really good well done. I need to understand where you are gonna go, because you haven't really taken it anywhere...yet. It is just a collection of sentences, you could produce a story from this though...keep going!

Just keep going. Don't get bogged down. Just keep the words flowing, even if you don't think the story is gelling together.

Don't lose hope!