Young Writers Society

Bricks. All the windows, all the walls no way to escape. The door was locked and the windows were bricked up. Nothing. The only other differences was this large metallic cube sitting in the middle of my apartment floor. It's surface was shiny with a few scratches on the right side. It was cold to the touch as I lay my hand upon the top of the object . I observed the entire item and I could see two hinges attached to the top left side. Does this mean it can be opened? I thought to myself briefly, maybe, just maybe a person could fit inside of it, maybe it was a door or it might just be a big metallic cuboid. Who knows?

I lay down on my floor to rest my head for a while. I could smell the strong scent of cheese and decided to inspect where this was coming from. I stood and headed to the direction of the kitchen as this was the most obvious place. The fridge was wide open and the cheese was on the side. Taped to the front of my fridge was a photo of my wife and me with a red cross through it. With horror I tore it down and threw it in the trash. What did the people who trapped me in here want from me? Why me? Who are they? All these questions, no answers. My wife has just left me and took my kids. I lost my job and I don’t have anything else to live for. Why don’t I just end it now and get it over with. No! I’m Buc Dio and I’m a detective damn it and I will find a way out of here and catch the guy who did this. All of a sudden I felt strange, the walls started to spin and blackness greeted me as I felt the cold, hard, stone floor upon my face.

My memories flashed back to the bank, the guns, the dying and the one man who was behind it. He was a master mind and no-one else has ever caught him. Except for me, I caught him and put him behind bars for 15 years. So I thought, He got out in 5 due to good behaviour and roams the streets like a free man. He brutally killed so many people and I saw it all in person. I was the person who put him away and maybe he wants revenge.

A bright flash and I was back in that fateful day. He is running towards me with a pistol glinting from the reflection of the street lamps in the night sky. The sound from his bullet rips open the night sky as it flies from the barrel of his gun. The steel bullet penetrates my chest as easy as a sharp blade and with a cry of pain I crash to the ground. Through my blurred vision I can see but one thing. The mask of a clown.

I took a deep breath and tried to regain consciousness. I lay still looking at what has become of me. My hair was untamed and wild, my beard was unshaven and I had bags under my eyes due to many nights of no sleep. My suit was old and tatty and my breath stunk like a rotting animal. I slowly rose to my feet and used the table to stay upright. I turned off the kitchen light, shuffled into the living room and threw myself on to the couch. I puzzled over all the events of before this evening, if it was evening. I can remember my wife leaving but I don’t know why she left me but all I know she was upset and had to go stay with her parents for a while. I also remember that funeral I attended. Everyone seemed to be too upset to even talk to me or maybe they were ashamed. Ashamed that I let all those people die and couldn’t do anything. Ashamed that after 5 years he was let out. Ashamed that I was a failure.

I have to get out of this hell hole before I go crazy. If the person who did this left one photo maybe there was more. I quickly ran to the bedroom to check if something else was there. My suspicion was correct. On the bedroom wall sprawled in red paint were the words: The key lies in the answer to your name.

I pondered this for a while. The key lies in my name. Buc Dio, Buc Dio I can’t find the key or an equation. How am I supposed to answer something that has no question? I strolled back to the living room and crashed down on the couch. Maybe the bricks had something to do with it and I could find a way out using them. I staggered to the window, flung it open, and counted the bricks.56 bricks in counting and no clues what so ever. So the only clue I have is finding the answer to my name. I got back on the floor and looked up at my magnolia roof looking for answers. Back in school how did we solve equations that had no answer. Algebra?Rearranging formula?Rearrange my name?How do I do that. Anagram, I have to rearrange my name. I scrambled a piece of paper and a pencil off the table and wrote down my name leaving spaces at each letter. It read “B U C D I O”.What word can I get out of Buc Dio. Coi, Bud, cub. Pointless little words. Then it twigged, I looked at what word I have just created with horror. The answer is CUBIOD.I looked at the large metallic object in amazement. Should I open it and find a way out of here or should I keep whatever is inside it inside? I crept towards it and kicked the top off. I was stricken at what I saw inside, I flung myself back to the carpet away from the box. Did I really just see that?A human body lay still inside in the cold, unlit box wearing the same clown mask I saw 15 years ago. A piece of paper was also stuck the the clown masks forehead. The stench of death leaked out and polluted the clean smell of my apartment.I crawled back over and with shaking hands I took the piece of paper trying not to look at the body. The paper had the words”Death sometimes comes so quickly that we don't even know that its there.”

I peered over the piece of paper and stared with repugnance as I slowly lifted the mask of this unknown person who was laying still like a rock inside this tomb of metal. I couldn't believe what I was seeing as the mask finally came off. I noticed a door key between the cold lips of the deceased and decided to take it out. I held the silver rusted door key in my frightened hands and scrambled for the door. My hands were unstable and I couldn't get the key into the door. It finally slotted into place and with a click the door unlocked. I stopped for a minute and thought about all the events that has taken place today. How could have I been in that cuboid. I'm not dead, am I?

My wife was upset. no-one could see me. A funeral. Being shot. It all made a little more sense but I was still struck with confusion. Am I......Dead? Only one way to find out. I opened my door and a bright light shone onto my face,I could feel the warmth off it and it felt so natural. I took and a deep breath and stepped out into the light, eyes closed, and into the unknown.

Danny Barker
Written when I was 14

This was a little confusing. So you’re trapped in a building that has bricks blocking every entrance. Than you said ‘the only other differences was this large metallic cube’. I think you mean the only DIFFERENCE was A large metallic cube. The only difference from what, exactly?
ITS, not It’s.

Cheese isn’t really a strong scent. Unless you had like tons of cheese. But I doubt you could smell a block of cheese inside a refrigerator that was in a totally different room. Even if the fridge was packed with cheese, it’s still not that strong of an odor. You could just say ‘I wandered into the kitchen and saw a strange piece of paper taped to the door of the fridge. It was a picture of me and my wife.’. The cheese part could be left out completely. And then you just passed out? Just like that?

I’m guessing he hasn’t been trapped for a long time, or he would’ve noticed the picture and the strange cube before.

How can he be dead? It’s all too confusing for me. I might just be slow, but I just don’t get any of this.

I agree with TheBlackSheep the cheese part should be taken out, because it really isn't a strong scent and kind of random (unless cheese plays a role haha) it is also kind of confusing.
But it kept me reading and I do like it.

You need more character building.
Counting the bricks is great. Take some time to examine your character a little more and work out how his occupation and personality can conflict with the location.

Hi! I'm Regan, I'll review your peice!

Nothing. The only other differences was this large metallic cube sitting in the middle of my apartment floor.

Okay, this confused me. At first I thought maybe there was nothing in the apartment besides the cube, but theres a fridge, right? So maybe try: "Nothing. The room was empty of my previous possesions. Sitting in the middle of the room was a metallic cube."

I thought to myself briefly, maybe, just maybe a person could fit inside of it, maybe it was a door or it might just be a big metallic cuboid. Who knows?

If he's thinking, it should be italicized. I think the commas should be replaced with periods and each idea should be a new sentince. I like the last idea.

I could smell the strong scent of cheese and decided to inspect where this was coming from.

Cheese doesn't really smell. Go into your fridge, find your cheese and smell it. There's no smell until your really sniffing with it smushed against your nose.

detective damn it and I will

detective, damn it, and I will...

no-one

No one

So I thought, He got out in 5 due to good behaviour and roams the streets like a free man.

First of all, It should be "Or so I thought. He got out..." I'm no expert, but if someone 'brutally killed' many people, I dont think they would get out in five years. That wouldn't settle well with the families of the deceased, would it? The 5 needs to be writen out. Anything under a hundred does.

I can remember my wife leaving but I don’t know why she left me but all I know she was upset and had to go stay with her parents for a while.

This sentince is horrible. Break it up! Try: I can remember my wife leaving, but I don't know why. All I remember is she was upset and sstayed with her parents for a while.

I have to get out of this hell hole before I go crazy. If the person who did this left one photo maybe there was more. I quickly ran to the bedroom to check if something else was there. My suspicion was correct. On the bedroom wall sprawled in red paint were the words: The key lies in the answer to your name.

How did he know the writing would be there? Is he a phsycic? Maybe say "I ran to my bedroom to check for more photos. What I found was words written in red paint. They read....." I LOVE the riddle though.

I like this peice. It's a good take on death. There are a lot of errors, but if you fix them this story would be really good. The story itself sounds like one of those excape the room games online. It doesnt show very much emotion. Try to get some in there! The ending was really good though, how he embraced death to go to the unkown. Keep on keepin on!
REGAN