Young Writers Society

Wow... you do know your stuff. The language grates on me a bit, but I do appreciate that you had all the proper warnings and whatnots.

I'm not sure why the lines weren't going all the way across the page. That made it a bit harder to read, but I didn't really mind too much. I'm fast becoming skeptical of your age... If you can write this way at fourteen, I think you'll sell your first novel at sixteen, you sick freak you.

(That's my way of saying: You write exceedingly well.)

But if you're into military... write a West Point story! *notsosubtlehint* Very nice overall. Well, not nice, gory, but well-written. Can't tell I need sleep, eh?

I did not care for this as much as I could have. There was far too much technical stuff, and not enough story/ character. I don't know about the others, but I really didn't care about Charles in the least...He's just Punisher with a helmet.

For a concept that's been made famous by Punisher, you dealt with it well--the equipment was close enough to accurate that a casual reader wouldn't know if any of it was made up or not, so that's always good.

The interaction between Mazer and Charles weas well written, and the dialogue was clever; if you could tighten up some of the description and the actual telling of the story, this would be much better..


--Dono


PS. Just so you know, Smith and Wesson doesn't make a 0.50 Caliber pistol currently. It's your future though.

Thanks for the critique; good advice. I'll try to implement it in my next work...

I didn't really expect this peice to be anything amazing. I was just moody and wanted to write something about shooting and action,so I typed this up in thirty minutes. Yes, had I put more time into it, I would've included a lot more character and storyline development, as you suggested.

Phoenix wrote:PS. Just so you know, Smith and Wesson doesn't make a 0.50 Caliber pistol currently. It's your future though.

That's the beauty of writing in the future

Good call--I love making up crap for stories lol