Young Writers Society

(Hello. For about two weeks, or so, now, I've been working on a plot for a book called "Equinox." I've come up with a few ideas, but I've become partial to one. I wanted everyone's opinion on it. )

In a faraway land, where not even the sun can reach, there lives a kingdom of wolves. For many, many generations, the wolves of this kingdom have lived without conflict, but this peace is about to change. A forgotten prophecy has returned from the hidden passageways of the mountains, and it holds word of destruction for the kingdom. As if to make matters worse, a litter of pups has been born to the king and queen.

A crescent-shaped birthmark marks a young wolf, Aidan. His destiny is linked to the prophecy, in the fact that he possesses great power. But even so, he is oblivious to the matter. Yet, with the death of a loved one, his path will become clear.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the kingdom, and outsider named Lucas has been born with the same mark. His destiny, however, is to follow his father, the commander of a large pack, into war with the kingdom. He has never supported the attack, though, and his true test is beginning. He must make a choice: support his father, or warn the kingdom before it’s too late.

Hm. This sounds decent, but what I think will make this story really interesting, is the world it takes place in, and the wolf characters, since the plot isn't exactly anything new.
Please post your first chapter soon! I would love to see where this is going.
Good luck-

KD

Hi!

Hmm, I'm not exactly sure what you're looking for in the critique, so I'm just going to give my general thoughts on where I think the plot could go and what I don't like about it, okay? Well, I very much feel the same way as Kaedee about the plot, but unlike her, I don't really think that the fact that it's about wolves (while it is interesting) is going to save (and I don't mean to sound harsh) the cliches that this has.

In a faraway land

About the first bit- I don't know how many fantasy stories that you've read or movies that you've seen, but how many start with "A faraway land" or some form of it? In addition, where is it far from? In stories like these, there's usually entirely different geological arrangements, so there is nothing that the reader can compare to.

A forgotten prophecy, and it holds word of destruction for the kingdom

Why does it always have to be a prophecy? When you have a prophecy, you know there is going to be a chosen one. Some stories-like Harry Potter and Star Wars-are able to get away with this because there is so much else going on. I understand that I'm only critiquing a summary and not the actual story, but judging from it, it sounds pretty bare. Also, if you can avoid cliches, you should. For instance, why can't things just happen, and people just end up getting mixed up in them, like in Lord of the Rings? It would make things seem a lot more realistic and connectible.

Those are my qualms, really. Of course, I could end up being totally wrong and your story could end up being the most amazing, coolest thing that I've ever read. However, I'm advising you on this stuff, because even when you find the smallest cliches in a movie or book, they tend to be extremely irritating, and all of our focus ends up being on that rather then the piece's strengths. PM me if you have any questions/when it's up.

-Elinor xo

Judging from what I just read I belive that you will do just fine, but what I will like to advice is try as much as possible to stay off other fantasy like stories, cause a true read if it's going to be a novel is going to see through it.
As Elinor said you use of in a "faraway land" doesn't occur well, since you are going to be talking about wolfs be specific about your settings because it will have a lot to do as the story unfolds, we are talking about two packs of wolf each with a prophecy of great once.
And as you write I also want you to bear in mind that there is going to be two heros, because even from your story now you are already sidelining Aidan, making it seem that the wolf (who you didn't name) from the outcast carries the whole responsiblity of making every thing right.



~~~~~~E.K

Thank you for your advice, everyone. I've seen a lot of excellent points (most of them being that I'm relying too much on other fiction). From the looks of it, I have more editing to do. Again, thank you! (Sorry for the short post.)