Young Writers Society

I woke up with a start and looked around. Shaking my head, I laughed at how paranoid I was getting. I rolled back over and closed my eyes. As I was about to slip back into the simple world of dreams of rainbow candy and snowy, white clouds, I heard a creak like the screeching of nails along a blackboard. I started, and covered my mouth to stifle a scream. I took a deep breath and then slipped out of bed. Pulling on a robe, I let myself out into the ice cold corridor. I walked towards the stairs and gazed down. Seeing nothing except the jet black night that filled the hallway, I took a cautious step towards the first step. I began to make my way down, quiet as a mouse.
A loud crack came as I stepped on the next step, followed by a shout from downstairs. Spinning around, I broke into a run back up the winding, never ending staircase. I let out a gasp as a sharp bolt of pain moved through my leg like a flash of lightning. Glancing down, I saw my miniature wooden piano and shoved it aside I dashed through the hall to the next flight of stairs and sprinted up them. I crept into the attic and closed the door with a soft thud. Letting out a sigh of relief, I slid to the floor. Scarcely daring to breathe, I opened the attic door and looked out. Not seeing anyone, I stepped out of the attic and began to walk down the stairs. Almost at the bottom, I heard a thud and let out a gasp. I let out an earsplitting scream that shattered the silence of the house as I whirled around to face a man with torn clothing, a long beard and a heathens grin on his face.

its.... interesting, to say the least.

there needs to be a bit more depth here. i dont think there is enough there to say anything about it. there really isnt a story, just a happening, that happens to be wirtten down. im left with too many questions; who is this guy, what happened to his leg, who's this guy in his house, where does he live, is there anyone else in the house?

write some more, and then we can give you some good honest opinion.

many thx for the comments...the only problem is...i havent decided what happens, so i cant write more...

nikki

Okay, here goes....

I woke up with a start and looked around. Shaking my head, I laughed at how paranoid I was getting. I rolled back over and closed my eyes. As I was about to slip back into the simple world of dreams of rainbow candy and snowy, white clouds, I heard a creak like the screeching of nails along a blackboard.

Good start. I'd change "the simple world" to "my simple world" but I guess that's just my preference. Also "snowy, white" clouds seems to sound better as just "snow white" (with no comma). Also, I don't like the last fragment od the the sentence "like the screeching of nails along a blackboard". Maybe it's because I'm not a fan of similes, but also because it's a little cliche. Try something like "I heard a screeching creek that......" Fill in the rest. This is all in my opinion of course, take it as you will.

I took a deep breath and then slipped out of bed. Pulling on a robe, I let myself out into the ice cold corridor. I walked towards the stairs and gazed down. Seeing nothing except the jet black night that filled the hallway, I took a cautious step towards the first step. I began to make my way down, quiet as a mouse.

Lots of cliche phrases and doubel adjectives. "Ice cold, "jet black" and "quiet as a mouse". Try something new, original. And drop one of the adjectives of one or both of those. It would sound better as perhaps "I let myself out onto the freezing corridor" and also, "Seeing nothing except the deep chasm of darkness". Oops, I don't mean to write this story for you.

A loud crack came as I stepped on the next step, followed by a shout from downstairs.

Eek! Steeped on a step! Sounds...bad. Change it to a different verb.

I let out a gasp as a sharp bolt of pain moved through my leg like a flash of lightning.

Somehow...this sentence feels wrong. The structure is odd. I don't like the long ending which takes away the focus of it all, the emphasis should be on the start. I also don't like "Moved through my leg", doesn't feel quite right. Sounds better as "went through my leg". Take off "flash of lightning", cliche again, try to use more metaphors eg. "I gasped as pain went through my leg...." oops I can't finish it now. I'm sure you can be more imaginative to me.

Glancing down, I saw my miniature wooden piano and shoved it aside I dashed through the hall to the next flight of stairs and sprinted up them.

You missed a full stop in the middle of those to split them into two sentences. The second would sound better as "I dashed through the hall and sprinted up the next flight of stairs."

Scarcely daring to breathe, I opened the attic door and looked out.

Nice.

Not seeing anyone, I stepped out of the attic and began to walk down the stairs. Almost at the bottom, I heard a thud and let out a gasp.

There's too much stepping and gasping in such a small piece! Find a thesaurus and change some verbs. I'm guilty of this too, I use a lot of verbs again and again. It will improve if you have variety.

All in all, I found this an intriguing piece, if rather small. It does read like an account, rather than a more descriptive piece. I would like it much more if you elaborated on a lot of the events, allowing for more description. This, I feel, would heighten the tension a lot more, and give a fuller understanding of what's happening to the reader.

This is good, believe me! I hope I didn't sound like I didn't like it, because I did.

All I did was suggest a few things which you can ignore if you want. One last thing though, you MUST, and I mean MUST, do some more I command thee.

Please?

i agree that you need some more variation in your word use. and that there needs to be more. i feel like i can't really judge till i see more.

Overall, I really like it. But, I agree that it lacks depth. The way you're describing it makes this event seem like something out of a dream for me. I'm guessing that's not what you're going for. I'm also very curious of the gender of the narrator. Very intriquing. I beg you, please continue.

The one major thing I notyiced that no one has mentioned is that when the character reaches the top of the stairs...he(she) runs right back down. I think you may want to insert a paragraph of the main character weaiting and listening, because their actions seem really strange right now...

I do think a little more depth and description would be in order here! I'm being hypocritical, though...I don't write about tense situations like this very well, ya know? The last line, about the heathens grin I think should be changed to like 'devilish'. It means the same thing, just sounds less clunky.

Talk about redundancy. I don't think this pulled off the effect you wanted it to, or otherwise you didn't want a very good one. I'm just going to say that I wholeheartedly agree with what the other members have said with the criticisms. I think this does need to be expanded on and certainly needs more in depth analysis of character and plot sequence.

Not a bad start.... There's a lot of things you could do with this. I think the pacing is off though. It moves too fast. I'm curious though, who is the main character and why does a creak send him into a panic? Did he already suspect someone was after him? And who is the man with torn clothing? I hope this helps and isn't too harsh.

nickelpickle wrote:I woke up with a start and looked around. Shaking my head, I laughed at how paranoid I was getting.

Not a bad hook. It makes me wonder what the character is paranoid about. Beginning with the character waking up seems a little overdone to me. Instead, have you thought of having your character lying awake in bed, trying to sleep? Also, the second sentence seems a little awkard to me. I think it might sound better though if it read "[...] I laughed at my paranoia."

I rolled back over and closed my eyes. As I was about to slip back into the simple world of dreams of rainbow candy and snowy, white clouds, I heard a creak like the screeching of nails along a blackboard.

I think the first sentence would flow better if you got rid of "back", but that might just be a personal preference of mine. Also "the simple world of dreams of rainbow candy, and snowy, white clouds..." doesn't seem to fit into the rest of the piece. This might just be me, but I think it might be better if you just said he about to fall asleep.

I started, and covered my mouth to stifle a scream.

Why does a creak make him want to scream?

Seeing nothing except the jet black night that filled the hallway, I took a cautious step towards the first step.

I think instead of saying he saw nothing, it would be better if you described his surrounding. Maybe you could put one thing out of place, and use it to heighten the suspense. Also the second part of the sentence is kind of awkward, I think it might be better if you broke this sentence up.

I began to make my way down, quiet as a mouse.

Quiet as a mouse, seems a little cliche. Maybe it would be better if you described him being quiet, intsead?

Spinning around, I broke into a run back up the winding, never ending staircase.

Slight confusion of motion here, I think. To me it sounds like he's spinning and running at the same time, which I guess would explain why he bumps into the the mini piano .

Glancing down, I saw my miniature wooden piano and shoved it aside I dashed through the hall to the next flight of stairs and sprinted up them.

I think this should broken up, because it sounds like he's doing everything at once. Also, at first, it wasn't really clear to me that he had bumped into the piano.

I crept into the attic and closed the door with a soft thud. Letting out a sigh of relief, I slid to the floor. Scarcely daring to breathe, I opened the attic door and looked out. Not seeing anyone, I stepped out of the attic and began to walk down the stairs. Almost at the bottom, I heard a thud and let out a gasp.

I think this part moves way too fast...It might be better if you added some description to slow it down a little.

I let out an earsplitting scream that shattered the silence of the house as I whirled around to face a man with torn clothing, a long beard and a heathens grin on his face.

Who is the man with torn clothing?

This is just a suggestion, and I'm sure you could think of something better, but I think this might be a good place to add a plot twist . For example, instead of having the man with torn clothing being a murderer or something, you could have him be someone the main character knows (or maybe just someone who is supposed to be there). Then have the main character explain that he thought it was [insert person who he thinks is trying to kill him here], and work from there.

Of course, this is just an idea. And I'm sure you could come up with something better than I could. Anyway, I hope I wasn't too harsh. Like I said before, this isn't a bad opening. Storywise, it's pretty good. There's many different directions you could take this, so I'm curious to see what you do with it.

This moves pretty quickly, and gets the reader interested in what's going to happen. Since there really isn't much to review, and as others have covered most of what I'd like to say, my main advice is to stay away from cliches like "quiet as a mouse" and "earsplitting scream." Good luck finishing the story!

-Sarah

Well, it's definately interesting, but it sounds more like a list than a story. It's like, "I did this, then I did that, then I did this..." if you know what I mean. That's all the crit I have!

I thought it was good and if there is more I look forward to reading it. Definitly need to check out a thesaurus now and then but overall good. If there isn't going to be a continuation of this than why bothering typing that at all.

AHHHHHHH!!!!! awesome.

Well, first off, it'd be nice for some more spacing.

This is a pretty good beginning, and it is decently attention-grabbing. You have a good way of building up suspense. The little details were neat, also. The whole thing was a little short for my taste, but I assume you're going to continue. I'll keep reading, and see where you're going with this.

Write on.