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Young Writers Society


Story w/o a name! Very short...



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6 Reviews



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Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:03 pm
Fang Ride says...



I think it's brilliant! Only the "quiet as a mouse" is a bit old. Other than that, Iwannareadmore!
  





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Tue Mar 18, 2008 10:01 pm
Krupp says...



nickelpickle wrote:I woke up with a start and looked around. Shaking my head, I laughed at how paranoid I was getting. I rolled back over and closed my eyes. As I was about to slip back into the simple world of dreams of rainbow candy and snowy, white clouds, I heard a creak like the screeching of nails along a blackboard. I started, and covered my mouth to stifle a scream. I took a deep breath and then slipped out of bed. Pulling on a robe, I let myself out into the ice cold corridor. I walked towards the stairs and gazed down. Seeing nothing except the jet black night that filled the hallway, I took a cautious step towards the first step. I began to make my way down, quiet as a mouse.
A loud crack came as I stepped on the next step, followed by a shout from downstairs. Spinning around, I broke into a run back up the winding, never ending staircase. I let out a gasp as a sharp bolt of pain moved through my leg like a flash of lightning. Glancing down, I saw my miniature wooden piano and shoved it aside I dashed through the hall to the next flight of stairs and sprinted up them. I crept into the attic and closed the door with a soft thud. Letting out a sigh of relief, I slid to the floor. Scarcely daring to breathe, I opened the attic door and looked out. Not seeing anyone, I stepped out of the attic and began to walk down the stairs. Almost at the bottom, I heard a thud and let out a gasp. I let out an earsplitting scream that shattered the silence of the house as I whirled around to face a man with torn clothing, a long beard and a heathens grin on his face.


There's only one thing I'm really noticing here...lack of sentence variety. Most of these start with "I did this," or "I did that." You're gonna want to mix it up in the future. Use a different view for the pace. Don't just do that "I" thing. It's too repetitive.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.
  





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Fri Mar 21, 2008 2:21 am
Memento Mori says...



It's good.

I think it'd be better if you had posted it in two paragraphs though. It's much easier to read that way.

Yours truly,
Memento Mori
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, pee in it, and serve it to the people who piss you off. Outdo yourself. ^^
  





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Sun Apr 13, 2008 7:52 am
Sela Locke says...



I think that here, your biggest problem is redundancy, and cliches. I'm sure with such good reviews it will be shaped up in no time, and you obviously have talent. I would list a few things here, but pretty much all of them have been addressed.
Good luck,
Sela
Last edited by Sela Locke on Tue Oct 13, 2009 5:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest
  





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Mon Apr 14, 2008 5:08 am
Jadeite says...



Nicely written. I like how you describe the feelings of what the character sees and thinks. The description was very well done and well worded. I saw it very clearly in my mind. Very good work.
Sincerely,

Jade
  





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Mon Apr 14, 2008 5:11 am
SIC says...



Its a good story, but very hard to read.
With few paragraphs I don't feel like im reading a story rather a article.
Try putting some paragraphs in there to make it easier to read.
  








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