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Brothers at Arms



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Fri Jun 18, 2010 9:20 pm
whitegreyson says...



Erm, I've never been good at introductions, but, uhh... Hi, I'm new here... My name is M or you could call me Greyson. Your choice. So this is something I've been playing with. Tell me what you think.

“Lunees?” I heard the teacher stumble over my name. The first day of classes always sucked.
I sighed, raised my hand, and called, “It’s pronounced Lunays.” Mr. Wilson made a note on his attendance sheet and proceeded to write on the black board in big block letters, DEFENSE 101.
I sank my teeth savagely into my lower lip. You better pass this year, I thought cursing my attitude of carelessness last year. It had landed me back in square one with an extra year of torture after I had served my required time. This sure was going to suck.
Half an hour later found me assigned to a back row seat, thanks to my last name, West, blood slowly dripping into my mouth where my teeth still clenched my lip, and throwing wads of paper at to the back of the red-head seated in front of me. I wasn’t paying attention to Mr. Wilson’s beginning-of-school-freshman tirade. I’d heard it all before. Don’t drink and drive, stay away from the parties, stick to the common areas with other gender friends, don’t practice with unbuttoned swords, and try not to lose to much blood. He was half way through his rant, teaching the students weapon safety, when another student walked through the door interrupting the class.
“Alex Axed., sir. They just switched me into this class. We had some err… errors to correct.”
“Axed?” Mr. Wilson asked, eyeing the piece of paper that Alex had handed him. “Why’s it spelled E-A-X-T?”
“It’s an ancient spelling of ’East’ I think.”
“Well East have a seat next to West in the back there.”
I raised my head up and sucked the blood into the back of my throat. So he had failed too. Alex made his way to the back slowly. Then I caught his eye. His eyebrows rose and he grinned in disbelief.
When he sat down he nodded in my direction. “Steele,” he greeted me politely.
“Dragon,” I said blood spilling from my mouth.
“So it’s true what they say about you,” he said watching me wipe the blood off my chin. “You’re really as ruthless as they say.” I swallowed and stuck my bottom lip out pouting, but also revealing fresh bite marks. I watched Dragon’s eyes trace the contours of my lips. They paused on the bite marks, a slightly awed expression crossing his features.
“Ruthless on the mats and off.”
“So why you back here again? I mean you’re one of the best fighters in the school.”
“ Oh, my strong suit is more physical then written.” He laughed. “So what about you?”
“I was… distracted last year. I didn‘t care I guess.” He glanced at the ground as if ashamed.
“And what was distracting you?” I asked, purposely trying to pry.
“I was a whom. Her name was Angelina Lopez.” He smiled devilishly. “Sadly she’s moved away. She decided she didn’t want this life.”
“Huh.” Angelina wouldn’t be the first to decide she didn’t want to be a Guide. They lived brutal and bloody lives and not many made it past their twenty-fifth birthday, I glanced around me. Which of these scrawny freshman would make to the battle hardened Elite? “Sucks, huh?” I asked him.
“I guess. She was more a fuck-up buddy then anything.” I gave him a startled look. Hot as he was I couldn’t give myself to him, not at only fifteen. He smiled, as if reading my mind. “I know the things I’ve done in the past were wrong but I’m here to correct my mistakes.” I grinned. This year might not be a waste after all.

The day wasn’t as much of a drag as I thought it be not with Dragon there. He was fun to be around and such a joker. He was in most of my classes. In fact all of them except my women’s fitness class, but that was to be expected. Not many people got a second chance at being a Guide. We also had the same track-record. We failed every class except Battle Practice. So that was the only class where we got to see people from our grade. It was the last class of the day and it was brutal practice. Only because Dragon was such a good fighter. We were tied seven to seven by the end of the period.
Finally it was over. The fights with Dragon had left me tired and sweaty. I headed for the locker rooms. I needed to find Amy and I knew that’s where she would be. I’d been avoiding her all day and I knew she’d be pissed when I finally told her the reason why we only had one class together was because I had failed out last year.
I sighed, resigned to my fate and started jogging. Before I entered the room Dragon called out. “Steele!” I stopped and turned to face him. He was standing at the door to the men’s locker room.
“What?” I responded a slight smile on my lips. But he didn’t answer just winked and disappeared into the locker room. My smile grew and color burned up my cheeks. I giggled and drifted not knowing where I was walking. I walked into Amy.
“Hey Lunays. When were you intending on telling me you were dating Dragon?”
“I’m not,” I spat at her, shoving my way past into the showers.
“Or how about telling your best friend that you failed Freshman year?” Her voice was deadly icy. I flinched.
“How’d you find out?” I asked looking away from her as her eyes bored into my back.
“I think I got it when you didn’t show up in any of my classes until the end of the day which I know was your best class last year.”
“I’m sorry. I… didn’t care,” I said trying to plead with her. “I thought it was so stupid. I didn’t want to do the work. But I swear I’ll pass this year.” I looked up at her expecting her to be fuming her face beet red. But she was smiling.
“You better,” she murmured pulling me into a hug. “I missed you Luny. Now come on I bet the rest of the campus did too.”
Summoned, I come.
In Valen's name I take the place that has been prepared for me.
I am grey.
I stand between the candle and the star.
We are grey.
We stand between the darkness and the light.
THE GREY COUNCIL - Babylon 5
  





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Fri Jun 18, 2010 9:58 pm
fire_of_dawn says...



Not a bad beginning, M.

You better pass this year, I thought cursing my attitude of carelessness last year.


You know about using italics, right? Also, a comma after "thought" wouldn't hurt.

“Alex Axed, sir.


Why have him spell it differently?

In fact all of them except my women’s fitness class, but that was to be expected.

Nice touch of humor here.
"Do? I'll tell you what we'll do! We'll be ready!"
Matthias, from Redwall

"Life consists of doing the impossible."
Brother Fir, The Heir of Mistmantle
  





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Reviews: 254
Mon Jun 21, 2010 5:52 pm
mikedb1492 says...



Hey M, I didn't read the other review so pardon any repeating on my part.

The first day of classes always sucked.

Say 'class' instead of 'classes'. Make it singular.

You better pass this year, I thought cursing my attitude of carelessness last year.

Comma after 'thought'. Also watch out for repetition of the word 'year'. Maybe the last part could be: 'cursing my attitude of its previous carelessness.' That would work well, or maybe figure something out on your own

Half an hour later found me assigned to a back row seat, thanks to my last name, West, blood slowly dripping into my mouth where my teeth still clenched my lip, and throwing wads of paper at to the back of the red-head seated in front of me.

No comma after 'seat'. Also, this sentence is a bit of a wreck. Work it over some.

and try not to lose to much blood.

'Too' not 'to'.

“Alex Axed., sir. They just switched me into this class. We had some err… errors to correct.”
“Axed?” Mr. Wilson asked, eyeing the piece of paper that Alex had handed him. “Why’s it spelled E-A-X-T?”
“It’s an ancient spelling of ’East’ I think.”
“Well East have a seat next to West in the back there.”

I'd give him a new last name. When you read it, you stumble over it big time, and when you say it out loud, it sounds rather odd.
Next, this whole bit with the names/pronunciations/spellings is a bit confusing. Either ditch the concept or introduce it in a different way.

“So it’s true what they say about you,” he said watching me wipe the blood off my chin. “You’re really as ruthless as they say.” I swallowed and stuck my bottom lip out pouting, but also revealing fresh bite marks. I watched Dragon’s eyes trace the contours of my lips. They paused on the bite marks, a slightly awed expression crossing his features.
“Ruthless on the mats and off.”
“So why you back here again? I mean you’re one of the best fighters in the school.”
“ Oh, my strong suit is more physical then written.” He laughed. “So what about you?”
“I was… distracted last year. I didn‘t care I guess.” He glanced at the ground as if ashamed.

Starting with "Ruthless" I am no longer sure who is saying what. You need to throw in at least one 'I said' to make us sure.

I was a whom.

'It' not 'I'.

She was more a fuck-up buddy then anything

If you're saying this girl's only good for sex, then call her a "fuck buddy" not a "fuck-up buddy". "Fuck-up buddy" sounds like a friend you beat the crap out of.

The day wasn’t as much of a drag as I thought it be not with Dragon there.

Put 'would' after 'it'. Also throw a comma after 'be'.

“What?” I responded a slight smile on my lips.

Comma after 'responded'.

But he didn’t answer just winked and disappeared into the locker room.

Comma after 'answer'.

I giggled and drifted not knowing where I was walking.

Comma after 'drifted'.

By the way, seeing how Steele and Dragon act, I would suspect they've been friends before. But when they first meet up, Dragon says "You're really as ruthless as they say." If they know eachother, which every other moment of this story implies, then he shouldn't say that.

Her voice was deadly icy.

I don't like the repetition of the 'y' sound. Get rid of 'deadly'.

“How’d you find out?” I asked looking away from her as her eyes bored into my back.

Comma after 'asked'.

I looked up at her expecting her to be fuming her face beet red.

Comma after 'her' and 'fuming'.

Now come on I bet the rest of the campus did too.”

Period after 'on'.

Overall this story seems pretty interesting. Fun characters that stand out well enough. I liked it. But the main thing you need to do is work on your comma usage. Google it, ask a teacher, do whatever, but you have got to at least learn the basics. Do that, and your writing will be presented in a far clearer and more professional fashion.
Other than that, though, it was rather good. Keep it up.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.
  





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Mon Jun 21, 2010 6:24 pm
SeleneForeverDream says...



Hey there, Greyson! Welcome to the wonderful world of YWS! I'm Selene *shakes hand* and it's nice to meet you. ^_^

So what are your hobbies besides writing? Do you like reading? What's your favorite book?

Okay, on to the review!

Nit-Picks:

Don’t drink and drive, stay away from the parties, stick to the common areas with other gender friends, don’t practice with unbuttoned swords, and try not to lose to much blood.

"to" should be 'too'. It's a common error, but you'll get the hang of it with practice.

Half an hour later found me assigned to a back row seat, thanks to my last name, West, blood slowly dripping into my mouth where my teeth still clenched my lip, and throwing wads of paper at to the back of the red-head seated in front of me.

This should be more than one sentence, so split it up. Also, "me" should be 'myself'.

He was half way through his rant, teaching the students weapon safety, when another student walked through the door interrupting the class.

"Half way" should be 'halfway'.

“Well East have a seat next to West in the back there.”

I love the irony here. :D

So why you back here again? I mean you’re one of the best fighters in the school.

Put 'are' between "why" and "you". Add a comma after "mean".

“Oh, my strong suit is more physical then written.”

"Then" should be 'than'. Again, another common error.

Which of these scrawny freshman would make to the battle hardened Elite?

"Battle hardened" should be 'battle-hardened'.

The day wasn’t as much of a drag as I thought it be not with Dragon there.

Put 'would' between "it" and "be". Add a semi-colon after "be".

He was fun to be around and such a joker. He was in most of my classes.

Too many "he" 's. Switch up the sentence structure.

Only because Dragon was such a good fighter.

Add 'that was' before "only" so this sentence makes sense.

Finally it was over. The fights with Dragon had left me tired and sweaty. I headed for the locker rooms. I needed to find Amy and I knew that’s where she would be. I’d been avoiding her all day and I knew she’d be pissed when I finally told her the reason why we only had one class together was because I had failed out last year.

The beginning of the paragraph is too choppy. Try adding some sentences together to make it flow. Your final sentence should be broken up into two sentences.

I responded a slight smile on my lips.

Add a comma after "responded".

“I missed you Luny. Now come on I bet the rest of the campus did too.”

Add a comma after "you". Add a period or semi-colon after "come one".

Overall:

I like where this story is going. I hope to see more character development in future chapters and more description about your fantasy world. Overall, not bad. In fact, it's a good start.

Have a question? Want a review? PM me and I'll be happy to help! :D

~Selene
Got YWS?

You judge others upon their actions, but you judge yourself by your intention.
  





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Mon Jun 21, 2010 10:18 pm
Drawers says...



Not going to get into nitpicks because I think the other reviewers have that covered.

I did, however, really like it :)

Yeah, it was confusing and I didn’t really know what was going on but I was drawn in anyway, and that takes skill. To be able to catch a reader’s attention without spelling things out is something that most younger writers don’t have. I try, haha, but I don’t always succeed.

The descriptions/imagery was great; you got a little wordy in some parts though. Just reread it and while you’re working out the grammatical stuff read it out loud to yourself. That’ll help you reword some of the more awkward sentences. Other than that, great job! I look forward to reading more!
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
  





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Tue Jun 22, 2010 10:28 pm
whitegreyson says...



Thank you everybody!! I honestly didn't think people would like this all that much.

All right, all right. I'll admit I suck at spelling, grammar, and as you can see, commas! I will take your guys' advice and edit what I have. I haven't decided though if I am going to continue this... I've been very unsatisfied with the way it has turned out which is the reason I posted it here.

Anyway thanks guys for the crits. I really needed them.

``Greyson``
Summoned, I come.
In Valen's name I take the place that has been prepared for me.
I am grey.
I stand between the candle and the star.
We are grey.
We stand between the darkness and the light.
THE GREY COUNCIL - Babylon 5
  








Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads.
— Marianne Moore